SARAH: I get super super self-conscious when new boys go to kiss me.
KATE: What do you think is going to happen?
SARAH: When new boys go to kiss me?
KATE: Are you going to like lose a tooth in his mouth or something?
KATE: It's kissing. It's automatically wonderful.
SARAH: No, he's going to kiss me and realize that he didn't want to do that in the first place.
KATE: Wow.
KATE: You are fucked up.
SARAH: And then he'll run screaming into the night
SARAH: And then get hit by a car and die.
KATE: I hope so
KATE: If that's how he treats you.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sarah Has Some Feelings
SARAH: That baby wants to punch the economy in the face.
SARAH: I want to punch 2009 in the balls.
Sarah Detects.
SARAH: Fact - the whole upstairs smells like a Christmas tree.
SARAH: I think it's because of the sun hitting the wreath in the door.
SARAH: Take that, Encyclopedia Brown!
SARAH: I think it's because of the sun hitting the wreath in the door.
SARAH: Take that, Encyclopedia Brown!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Sarah Plans for the Future
SARAH: If I brought my resume down there and no one called me - I was going to set fire to that building.
KATE: That's fair.
SARAH: Oh, I know.
SARAH: Because that would be rude of them. Not me, but them.
SARAH: And their punishment would be fire.
KATE: That's a good punishment.
KATE: I think it makes a pretty clear point.
SARAH: You wrong me and you suffer by fire.
a short while later
SARAH: I wish my car could shoot fire. then I could set everything on fire that I needed to
SARAH: And just drive away.
KATE: That would be extremely handy
KATE: And would probably bring about the apocalypse.
SARAH: But I'd have to get really good at backing up
SARAH: Because I can't drive into the fire i'm shooting.
KATE: Now THAT is thinking ahead.
SARAH: OR maybe I could have it come out of my exhaust. So I would just have to back up to the thing i wanted to set on fire
SARAH: And then drive away, setting it on fire as I go.
KATE: That's smart.
SARAH: Very smart.
SARAH: Man.
SARAH: I wonder how much that would cost
SARAH: To install flame throwers in my exhaust pipe.
SARAH: It would be best for everyone if I could just burn whoever pissed me off
SARAH: Then I would be done with it and not carry my anger around with me.
KATE: Nope. You'd just carry fire instead.
SARAH: Well, that's a better alternative.
KATE: I completely agree.
SARAH: Oh man, I could so show those fucking neighborhood kids who is in charge.
SARAH: (and it's motherfucking me. With my flamethrower car.)
KATE: No more MarioKart for you.
SARAH: OH MAN, do you know what would be even better?!?!
KATE: I do not.
SARAH: If I had a remote so I could operate the flame thrower from somewhere else. Like inside our house.
KATE: Isn't that what Dr. Horrible did?
SARAH: I don't know, I have't watched the whole thing.
SARAH: But I would totes do Dr. Horrible, even if he's kinda gay.
KATE: Whatever. If he's game, I'm game.
SARAH: And guess what? If he doesn't want to play along, he's getting set on fire.
KATE: I think that might be rape, honey.
SARAH: No, that would be me setting him on fire.
SARAH: If he doesn't want to have sex with me, fine. But then I torch him.
SARAH: And he'll really be flaming.
KATE: You're an evil, evil person.
SARAH: It's true.
SARAH: This is a very special moment we're having.
KATE: That's fair.
SARAH: Oh, I know.
SARAH: Because that would be rude of them. Not me, but them.
SARAH: And their punishment would be fire.
KATE: That's a good punishment.
KATE: I think it makes a pretty clear point.
SARAH: You wrong me and you suffer by fire.
a short while later
SARAH: I wish my car could shoot fire. then I could set everything on fire that I needed to
SARAH: And just drive away.
KATE: That would be extremely handy
KATE: And would probably bring about the apocalypse.
SARAH: But I'd have to get really good at backing up
SARAH: Because I can't drive into the fire i'm shooting.
KATE: Now THAT is thinking ahead.
SARAH: OR maybe I could have it come out of my exhaust. So I would just have to back up to the thing i wanted to set on fire
SARAH: And then drive away, setting it on fire as I go.
KATE: That's smart.
SARAH: Very smart.
SARAH: Man.
SARAH: I wonder how much that would cost
SARAH: To install flame throwers in my exhaust pipe.
SARAH: It would be best for everyone if I could just burn whoever pissed me off
SARAH: Then I would be done with it and not carry my anger around with me.
KATE: Nope. You'd just carry fire instead.
SARAH: Well, that's a better alternative.
KATE: I completely agree.
SARAH: Oh man, I could so show those fucking neighborhood kids who is in charge.
SARAH: (and it's motherfucking me. With my flamethrower car.)
KATE: No more MarioKart for you.
SARAH: OH MAN, do you know what would be even better?!?!
KATE: I do not.
SARAH: If I had a remote so I could operate the flame thrower from somewhere else. Like inside our house.
KATE: Isn't that what Dr. Horrible did?
SARAH: I don't know, I have't watched the whole thing.
SARAH: But I would totes do Dr. Horrible, even if he's kinda gay.
KATE: Whatever. If he's game, I'm game.
SARAH: And guess what? If he doesn't want to play along, he's getting set on fire.
KATE: I think that might be rape, honey.
SARAH: No, that would be me setting him on fire.
SARAH: If he doesn't want to have sex with me, fine. But then I torch him.
SARAH: And he'll really be flaming.
KATE: You're an evil, evil person.
SARAH: It's true.
SARAH: This is a very special moment we're having.
Sarah Runs with a Klassy Krowd
SARAH: I have no idea what to wear to this party tonight,
SARAH: Which is unsurprising.
SARAH: Last year I wore that black sweater and apparently my boobs were hanging out.
KATE: whooooops
SARAH: Because my aunts were sticking things down my shirt.
SARAH: You know, like you do.
SARAH: I mean, don't your aunts stick things down your shirt?
KATE: Not generally. There's not a lot of tomfoolery.
KATE: ...At least none that ends with me fishing butter packets out of my bra.
SARAH: You haven't really lived, then.
KATE: Hey, at least I get out.
SARAH: You may be out, but you are not alive.
KATE: All right, all right.
SARAH: I hope someone sticks butter in your bra tonight.
KATE: Merry Christmas to you too.
SARAH: Which is unsurprising.
SARAH: Last year I wore that black sweater and apparently my boobs were hanging out.
KATE: whooooops
SARAH: Because my aunts were sticking things down my shirt.
SARAH: You know, like you do.
SARAH: I mean, don't your aunts stick things down your shirt?
KATE: Not generally. There's not a lot of tomfoolery.
KATE: ...At least none that ends with me fishing butter packets out of my bra.
SARAH: You haven't really lived, then.
KATE: Hey, at least I get out.
SARAH: You may be out, but you are not alive.
KATE: All right, all right.
SARAH: I hope someone sticks butter in your bra tonight.
KATE: Merry Christmas to you too.
Sarah Follows the News
SARAH: People.com says that Tiger Woods' mistress didn't know that he had a wife.
SARAH: He is Tiger Woods. Everyone knows he has a wife.
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: Next she is going to say that she didn't know he played golf.
SARAH: He is Tiger Woods. Everyone knows he has a wife.
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: Next she is going to say that she didn't know he played golf.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sarah is Everyone's Favorite Neighbor
SARAH: There's now lots of children shouting and running outside.
SARAH: Not sure why that's going on.
SARAH: WHY ARE THERE CHILDREN?
SARAH: They sound so joyful.
KATE: GO TO SCHOOL, CHILDREN.
SARAH: SRSLY. GO, AND STOP RUNNING.
SARAH: I WILL COME OUT THERE AND BEAT YOU WITH GARBAGE.
KATE: Please please do.
SARAH: Stand still, child. I would like to beat you. With our garbage.
SARAH: Not sure why that's going on.
SARAH: WHY ARE THERE CHILDREN?
SARAH: They sound so joyful.
KATE: GO TO SCHOOL, CHILDREN.
SARAH: SRSLY. GO, AND STOP RUNNING.
SARAH: I WILL COME OUT THERE AND BEAT YOU WITH GARBAGE.
KATE: Please please do.
SARAH: Stand still, child. I would like to beat you. With our garbage.
Call Up the Team
SARAH: You know how there's that urban myth that cows can't go down stairs?
KATE: Yes.
SARAH: I am about to prove that cows can in fact go down stairs.
SARAH: Bring Mythbusters in.
KATE: Hahaha you are not a cow.
SARAH: Call Mythbusters! I've done it again!
KATE: You're ridiculous.
SARAH: Happens.
KATE: Yes.
SARAH: I am about to prove that cows can in fact go down stairs.
SARAH: Bring Mythbusters in.
KATE: Hahaha you are not a cow.
SARAH: Call Mythbusters! I've done it again!
KATE: You're ridiculous.
SARAH: Happens.
Sarah Loves Everybody
SARAH: My status message this morning was "getting a BA in housewivery"
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.
Sometimes I Just Wish She'd Say What She Meant
SARAH: I try to wrap my brain around WoW and I can't.
KATE: Me neither, dude.
KATE: It looks super tedious.
KATE: What *is* the appeal?
SARAH: The time where you decide that you would rather play a video game than HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE is the time you need to have your balls chopped off
SARAH: because clearly you won't ever use them again.
KATE: Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Sarah.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you.
KATE: Me neither, dude.
KATE: It looks super tedious.
KATE: What *is* the appeal?
SARAH: The time where you decide that you would rather play a video game than HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE is the time you need to have your balls chopped off
SARAH: because clearly you won't ever use them again.
KATE: Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Sarah.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part II
SARAH: Muffins can be purchased almost anywhere. But cupcakes?
KATE: Very special.
SARAH: You have to go to someplace special to get a good cupcake.
KATE: Damn straight.
SARAH: Jesus, we're impressive.
KATE: We really are.
KATE: What's up liberal arts!
SARAH: Or I am and you're just agreeing with me so I don't have a complete breakdown when you tell me this is just crazytalk.
SARAH: This can be the boy screening process. I can say...hey, which do you like more, cupcakes or muffins?
SARAH: And if they say muffins, they are out.
KATE: Devious.
SARAH: So out.
SARAH: Or if they said that they liked banana cupcakes
SARAH: Those fuckers won't know what hit them.
KATE: The door
KATE: on the ass.
SARAH: Home to the bed.
KATE: Put 'em in the clink.
KATE: Very special.
SARAH: You have to go to someplace special to get a good cupcake.
KATE: Damn straight.
SARAH: Jesus, we're impressive.
KATE: We really are.
KATE: What's up liberal arts!
SARAH: Or I am and you're just agreeing with me so I don't have a complete breakdown when you tell me this is just crazytalk.
SARAH: This can be the boy screening process. I can say...hey, which do you like more, cupcakes or muffins?
SARAH: And if they say muffins, they are out.
KATE: Devious.
SARAH: So out.
SARAH: Or if they said that they liked banana cupcakes
SARAH: Those fuckers won't know what hit them.
KATE: The door
KATE: on the ass.
SARAH: Home to the bed.
KATE: Put 'em in the clink.
Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part I
SARAH: A relationship that nobody's calling a relationship is like a cupcake without frosting. What the fuck is the point?
KATE: I know. It seems like it should work but it never will.
SARAH: He's a fucking muffin, apparently.
SARAH: I want to be a cupcake, he wants to be a muffin.
SARAH: This is a good analogy.
KATE: I like it!
SARAH: I should just shout at him "CUPCAKE OR MUFFIN, ACHILLES. CUPCAKE OR FUCKING MUFFIN."
KATE: Omg please do.
KATE: Out of nowhere.
SARAH: It's cupcake or muffin. You're with someone or you're not.
SARAH: You can be the dessert everyone craves...or a breakfast time thing possibly filled with bran
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Bran.
SARAH: That's why you don't want to be a muffin.
KATE: But the point is you should know what you want to make before you make it, no?
KATE: Like you don't start making cupcakes and decide halfway through, "oh, these are muffins."
SARAH: Yes, you have to know if you're making cupcakes or muffins before you start.
SARAH: because cupcakes and muffins are so different.
SARAH: You'[re going to piss people off if you tell them you're making cupcakes and give them muffins.
KATE: Dude, no kidding.
KATE: I'd be pissed.
SARAH: You can scrape off the frosting, but it's still there
KATE: All soggy.
SARAH: I don't know if this makes us brilliant or insane.
KATE: Definitely both.
SARAH: But it works.
KATE: I know. It seems like it should work but it never will.
SARAH: He's a fucking muffin, apparently.
SARAH: I want to be a cupcake, he wants to be a muffin.
SARAH: This is a good analogy.
KATE: I like it!
SARAH: I should just shout at him "CUPCAKE OR MUFFIN, ACHILLES. CUPCAKE OR FUCKING MUFFIN."
KATE: Omg please do.
KATE: Out of nowhere.
SARAH: It's cupcake or muffin. You're with someone or you're not.
SARAH: You can be the dessert everyone craves...or a breakfast time thing possibly filled with bran
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Bran.
SARAH: That's why you don't want to be a muffin.
KATE: But the point is you should know what you want to make before you make it, no?
KATE: Like you don't start making cupcakes and decide halfway through, "oh, these are muffins."
SARAH: Yes, you have to know if you're making cupcakes or muffins before you start.
SARAH: because cupcakes and muffins are so different.
SARAH: You'[re going to piss people off if you tell them you're making cupcakes and give them muffins.
KATE: Dude, no kidding.
KATE: I'd be pissed.
SARAH: You can scrape off the frosting, but it's still there
KATE: All soggy.
SARAH: I don't know if this makes us brilliant or insane.
KATE: Definitely both.
SARAH: But it works.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sarah's Laws of Matter
SARAH: We are all kinds of broken.
KATE: We are.
SARAH: Maybe next Halloween we should go as healthy people.
KATE: We'd never pass.
SARAH: It's only for one day. We might be able to pull it off.
SARAH: Fact- I am bouncing around my room singing Ingrid Michaelson.
KATE: Fact: I was bouncing at my desk doing that when you said that.
SARAH: Fact - GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
KATE: gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
SARAH: I love us.
KATE: I do too.
SARAH: We are the best thing to ever happen to the universe
SARAH: Ever.
SARAH: Fuck the Big Bang, there was jack shit nothing before Sarah and Kate.
SARAH: I'm dancing around with Halloween socks and my Monarch sweatshirt on.
SARAH: Maybe I can get creative and make new words to "I'm On a Boat."
SARAH: That includes the phrase
SARAH: FUCK THE UNIVERSE, IT'S KATE AND SARAH, MOTHERFUCKER
SARAH: FUCK THE MILKY WAY, IT'S CUPCAKE LAND, MOTHERFUCKER˙
KATE: We are.
SARAH: Maybe next Halloween we should go as healthy people.
KATE: We'd never pass.
SARAH: It's only for one day. We might be able to pull it off.
SARAH: Fact- I am bouncing around my room singing Ingrid Michaelson.
KATE: Fact: I was bouncing at my desk doing that when you said that.
SARAH: Fact - GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
KATE: gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
SARAH: I love us.
KATE: I do too.
SARAH: We are the best thing to ever happen to the universe
SARAH: Ever.
SARAH: Fuck the Big Bang, there was jack shit nothing before Sarah and Kate.
SARAH: I'm dancing around with Halloween socks and my Monarch sweatshirt on.
SARAH: Maybe I can get creative and make new words to "I'm On a Boat."
SARAH: That includes the phrase
SARAH: FUCK THE UNIVERSE, IT'S KATE AND SARAH, MOTHERFUCKER
SARAH: FUCK THE MILKY WAY, IT'S CUPCAKE LAND, MOTHERFUCKER˙
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Sarah's Adventures in Shopping
SARAH: Costco just called to tell me my contact lenses are in.
SARAH: Those bitches.
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE, YOU FUCKERS
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME A WEEK WHEN IT'S A DAY AND A HALF
SARAH: They probably had them and were hiding them on purpose just to burn my biscuits
KATE: snerk
KATE: And does that really frost your butt?
SARAH: IT FROSTS MY BUTT
SARAH: AND GRINDS MY GEARS
SARAH: AND RAINS ON MY PARADE
SARAH: AND THERE'S A BEE IN MY BONNET AND A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
SARAH: OTHER OLD TIMEY PHRASES
KATE: You are too much.
SARAH: Don't act surprised.
SARAH: Those bitches.
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE, YOU FUCKERS
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME A WEEK WHEN IT'S A DAY AND A HALF
SARAH: They probably had them and were hiding them on purpose just to burn my biscuits
KATE: snerk
KATE: And does that really frost your butt?
SARAH: IT FROSTS MY BUTT
SARAH: AND GRINDS MY GEARS
SARAH: AND RAINS ON MY PARADE
SARAH: AND THERE'S A BEE IN MY BONNET AND A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
SARAH: OTHER OLD TIMEY PHRASES
KATE: You are too much.
SARAH: Don't act surprised.
Texts from Sarah
I almost just told the Comcast guy who came to the door that we don't believe in the internet.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Don't Fix It if It Ain't Broken, Folks
SARAH: Excuse me
KATE: Yes?
SARAH: but what the fuck is THIS shit?
KATE: Sacrilege. That's what that is.
SARAH: UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE
SARAH: I just made up a word to tell you how horrible it is.
SARAH: I mean, people say that all the time
SARAH: but not all smashed together.
SARAH: MY ANGER SMASHES THINGS
KATE: It's bon mot, too. Exactly the right word.
KATE: Maybe you should put on the tiny shirt
KATE: So you can go hulk.
SARAH: Oh, I am so peeved right now.
SARAH: And then everyone is going to prance into B&N and act like this is the first Winnie the Pooh book ever
KATE: ugh
SARAH:"You know, the one with the otter?"
KATE: No, they'll call it a beaver
SARAH: and I would say "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THE OTTER TOO"
KATE: Or like an elephant
SARAH: Or a badger
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: They will call it a fucking badger
KATE: They don't know what badgers are.
SARAH: ARGH "Eeyore would have a more proactive role than in the originals...and Christopher Robin would return."
SARAH: NO
KATE: WHAT?
KATE: NO.
KATE: EEYORE IS PASSIVE.
SARAH: The reason eeyore is awesome is because he's such an asshole
SARAH: and hates EVERYTHING
SARAH: ARG
SARAH: SARAH SMASH ENGLAND
KATE: omg please do.
KATE: You will be Europe's Godzilla.
SARAH: YES
SARAH: I hope so.
SARAH: Fucking commies in England
SARAH: bastardizing Winnie the Pooh
KATE: Otter commies.
SARAH: I'm coming for you fuckers.
SARAH: Badger nazis!
KATE: That's what they are.
KATE: Yes?
SARAH: but what the fuck is THIS shit?
KATE: Sacrilege. That's what that is.
SARAH: UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE
SARAH: I just made up a word to tell you how horrible it is.
SARAH: I mean, people say that all the time
SARAH: but not all smashed together.
SARAH: MY ANGER SMASHES THINGS
KATE: It's bon mot, too. Exactly the right word.
KATE: Maybe you should put on the tiny shirt
KATE: So you can go hulk.
SARAH: Oh, I am so peeved right now.
SARAH: And then everyone is going to prance into B&N and act like this is the first Winnie the Pooh book ever
KATE: ugh
SARAH:"You know, the one with the otter?"
KATE: No, they'll call it a beaver
SARAH: and I would say "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THE OTTER TOO"
KATE: Or like an elephant
SARAH: Or a badger
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: They will call it a fucking badger
KATE: They don't know what badgers are.
SARAH: ARGH "Eeyore would have a more proactive role than in the originals...and Christopher Robin would return."
SARAH: NO
KATE: WHAT?
KATE: NO.
KATE: EEYORE IS PASSIVE.
SARAH: The reason eeyore is awesome is because he's such an asshole
SARAH: and hates EVERYTHING
SARAH: ARG
SARAH: SARAH SMASH ENGLAND
KATE: omg please do.
KATE: You will be Europe's Godzilla.
SARAH: YES
SARAH: I hope so.
SARAH: Fucking commies in England
SARAH: bastardizing Winnie the Pooh
KATE: Otter commies.
SARAH: I'm coming for you fuckers.
SARAH: Badger nazis!
KATE: That's what they are.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Lovers: An Aside
SARAH: BJ is talking to me.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.
BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.
Some time later.
SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.
BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.
Some time later.
SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.
The Lovers, Reunited After Two Birthdays
BJ: So, you're one year closer to death now.
BJ: I had no idea that your birthday was so close to the High Holy Day that is my birthday.
SARAH: Well, my birthday is first because I am better.
BJ: ...
BJ: Your birthday is a week after mine.
SARAH: Mine is better.
BJ: By your own logic, I am better.
BJ: I have won this already.
SARAH: You can bite me, BJ.
BJ: I am the victor.
SARAH: You can just bite me.
BJ: I AM THE VICTOR.
SARAH: And no more fucking cupcakes for you.
BJ: =(
SARAH: HA
BJ: Kate will bake me cupcakes! You're not the boss of her!
SARAH: I'm not the boss of her, but I'm her housewife.
SARAH: and therefore...no.
SARAH: I win.
BJ: I am still the victor.
BJ: Never forget that.
SARAH: You are not.
SARAH: and I already have.
BJ: NEVER FORGET.
BJ: Then you hate America.
SARAH: Good, I do.
BJ: You hate Amer'ca.
SARAH: If you're america, that's terrible and yes, I totally hate it.
BJ: Terrorist.
SARAH: I don't think that i'm a terrorist. I'm just someone that dislikes you. A lot.
BJ: Terrorists never think that they're terrorists.
BJ: I had no idea that your birthday was so close to the High Holy Day that is my birthday.
SARAH: Well, my birthday is first because I am better.
BJ: ...
BJ: Your birthday is a week after mine.
SARAH: Mine is better.
BJ: By your own logic, I am better.
BJ: I have won this already.
SARAH: You can bite me, BJ.
BJ: I am the victor.
SARAH: You can just bite me.
BJ: I AM THE VICTOR.
SARAH: And no more fucking cupcakes for you.
BJ: =(
SARAH: HA
BJ: Kate will bake me cupcakes! You're not the boss of her!
SARAH: I'm not the boss of her, but I'm her housewife.
SARAH: and therefore...no.
SARAH: I win.
BJ: I am still the victor.
BJ: Never forget that.
SARAH: You are not.
SARAH: and I already have.
BJ: NEVER FORGET.
BJ: Then you hate America.
SARAH: Good, I do.
BJ: You hate Amer'ca.
SARAH: If you're america, that's terrible and yes, I totally hate it.
BJ: Terrorist.
SARAH: I don't think that i'm a terrorist. I'm just someone that dislikes you. A lot.
BJ: Terrorists never think that they're terrorists.
Sarah, Happy Homemaker
I found a recipe for baked ziti. All these people commented on the recipe saying that they are going to layer the ziti with the cheese mixture and the sauce and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, IDIOT PEOPLE? LASAGNA. YOU HAVE MADE LASAGNA. To mix all of it together is baked ziti. Fucking IDIOTS.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sarah Loves Going to the Hospital
SARAH: So...I might have sprained my ankle.
SARAH: Ask me how.
KATE: Sarahhhhhhh
KATE: How?
SARAH: My toes got tangled up in my ipod wire that connects the pod to my computer
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: and I tripped.
SARAH: I was running because my toast dinged and I wanted it.
KATE: Of course.
KATE: I will be home in a few hours. Try not to die before then.
SARAH: I can't make any promises.
SARAH: I have to go to the store yet,
SARAH: I could die there.
KATE: Please don't.
SARAH: Ask me how.
KATE: Sarahhhhhhh
KATE: How?
SARAH: My toes got tangled up in my ipod wire that connects the pod to my computer
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: and I tripped.
SARAH: I was running because my toast dinged and I wanted it.
KATE: Of course.
KATE: I will be home in a few hours. Try not to die before then.
SARAH: I can't make any promises.
SARAH: I have to go to the store yet,
SARAH: I could die there.
KATE: Please don't.
Sarah Loves Children
SARAH: OH MY GOD
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY
Sarah Loves Our Neighborhood
SARAH: HOLY HELL, GET YOUR KID OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU IDIOT.
SARAH: Srsly, you know what time your kid gets home...be there. otherwise the bus goes careening around the neighborhood and the fucking bus driver just leans on the horn for 5 minutes...
SARAH: I AM TRYING TO BE FUNEMPLOYED IN PEACE OVER HERE, ASSHATS
SARAH: I would say I'm done, but we both know I'm not.
KATE: No, of course not.
SARAH: Srsly, you know what time your kid gets home...be there. otherwise the bus goes careening around the neighborhood and the fucking bus driver just leans on the horn for 5 minutes...
SARAH: I AM TRYING TO BE FUNEMPLOYED IN PEACE OVER HERE, ASSHATS
SARAH: I would say I'm done, but we both know I'm not.
KATE: No, of course not.
We're Not Dead! But We Might Be Soon!, or, Sarah Has Lyme Disease
SARAH: THANKS FUCKING DEER TICKS I WILL KILL YOU ALL
KATE: That would be good if you could do that
SARAH: I wish I knew how.
KATE: I wish we had saved that tick
KATE: So I could light it on fire again
SARAH: But you already lit it on fire once
KATE: I know, but now that you definitely have Lyme I want to do it again.
SARAH: FUCKING LYME
KATE: That would be good if you could do that
SARAH: I wish I knew how.
KATE: I wish we had saved that tick
KATE: So I could light it on fire again
SARAH: But you already lit it on fire once
KATE: I know, but now that you definitely have Lyme I want to do it again.
SARAH: FUCKING LYME
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Be Prepared
KATE: Here, you might find that this comes in handy.
SARAH: I like how you can't touch anything: water, yourself, concrete or the universe. But apparently hopping on one foot like a fucking boyscout is the way to go so that you're safe.
SARAH: Basically, existence is deadly when there's a thunderstorm.
SARAH: I like how you can't touch anything: water, yourself, concrete or the universe. But apparently hopping on one foot like a fucking boyscout is the way to go so that you're safe.
SARAH: Basically, existence is deadly when there's a thunderstorm.
Ollie and His Baby Have a Complicated Relationship.
SARAH: Ollie was in a mood last night.
KATE: Isn't he always?
SARAH: I caught him humping his baby.
KATE: Oh boy. Man. Ollie.
SARAH: and I said "HEY. KEEP IT CLEAN"
SARAH: and he glared.
SARAH: and then I picked him up when he got up the stairs
SARAH: and he wouldn't stop wiggling
KATE: Haha. Wiggle cat.
SARAH: kind of like pigs do, you know?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: I know exactly what you mean.
SARAH: When you pick them up and they are all oinking and shit
SARAH: and I said "IF YOU FIGHT IT, IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE WORSE"
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: I was just holding him.
SARAH: He didn't have to struggle.
KATE: That's what she said.
SARAH: I was all loving like, petting him and telling him he was a nice baby
SARAH: and he's thrashing around like an asshole.
KATE: Isn't he always?
SARAH: I caught him humping his baby.
KATE: Oh boy. Man. Ollie.
SARAH: and I said "HEY. KEEP IT CLEAN"
SARAH: and he glared.
SARAH: and then I picked him up when he got up the stairs
SARAH: and he wouldn't stop wiggling
KATE: Haha. Wiggle cat.
SARAH: kind of like pigs do, you know?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: I know exactly what you mean.
SARAH: When you pick them up and they are all oinking and shit
SARAH: and I said "IF YOU FIGHT IT, IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE WORSE"
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: I was just holding him.
SARAH: He didn't have to struggle.
KATE: That's what she said.
SARAH: I was all loving like, petting him and telling him he was a nice baby
SARAH: and he's thrashing around like an asshole.
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Kate?
KATE: I really hope the rest of my life is not going to go this way.
KATE: I'll just join a convent.
SARAH: Please don't.
SARAH: You can't swear there.
KATE: I'll just join a convent.
SARAH: Please don't.
SARAH: You can't swear there.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Today's Disaster.
KATE: Oh, Sarah. We have each other.
KATE: and underpants
KATE: and Cupcake Land
KATE: and Ben and Jerry
KATE: and that might be it for us.
SARAH: And if we ever were to sit on the couch in our underpants, watching Reno 911 and eating Ben and Jerry's...that would really be it for us.
KATE: With cats.
KATE: Suicide pact.
KATE: That's the end.
SARAH: I can see the end - I feel like it's not far off.
KATE: Oh my god, don't say that.
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: Also, I have a coupon for free Ben and Jerry's.
KATE: Stop it.
SARAH: So really..this is the end.
KATE: But Sarah,
KATE: we're too cute to die!
SARAH: Kate, I'm just throwing this out there--
SARAH: If I'm not seriously dating someone by the time I'm 30, I'm killing everyone.
KATE: Sounds good.
SARAH: Not you.
KATE: No, me too, please.
SARAH: NO, if I'm going to be miserable, I'm taking you down with me.
SARAH: Additionally, killing everyone isn't going to lead to me finding someone...
SARAH: But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
KATE: and underpants
KATE: and Cupcake Land
KATE: and Ben and Jerry
KATE: and that might be it for us.
SARAH: And if we ever were to sit on the couch in our underpants, watching Reno 911 and eating Ben and Jerry's...that would really be it for us.
KATE: With cats.
KATE: Suicide pact.
KATE: That's the end.
SARAH: I can see the end - I feel like it's not far off.
KATE: Oh my god, don't say that.
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: Also, I have a coupon for free Ben and Jerry's.
KATE: Stop it.
SARAH: So really..this is the end.
KATE: But Sarah,
KATE: we're too cute to die!
SARAH: Kate, I'm just throwing this out there--
SARAH: If I'm not seriously dating someone by the time I'm 30, I'm killing everyone.
KATE: Sounds good.
SARAH: Not you.
KATE: No, me too, please.
SARAH: NO, if I'm going to be miserable, I'm taking you down with me.
SARAH: Additionally, killing everyone isn't going to lead to me finding someone...
SARAH: But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Monday, July 27, 2009
And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt
A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part III
He hasn't called yet. But if he does call, I'm going to pretend like I can't hear him. I'm going to say, "What? Sorry? Is someone there? This phone only works THREE DAYS AGO, when you were supposed to CALL ME."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part II
SARAH: TEXT ME GODDAMN IT
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.
Sarah Gives an Archaeologist Her Phone Number. This is Her Story.
SARAH: MAYBE HE ONLY WANTED TO GET DRINKS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wednesday Was a Very Long Day
SARAH: This cookbook has a recipe for Milanos.
SARAH: They have an assload of butter in them.
SARAH: Also - I almost wrote asshole.
SARAH: I don't know what an asshole of butter is.
KATE: That
KATE: is
KATE: disgusting.
KATE: If someone walked over here right now they would think I was crying.
SARAH: They have an assload of butter in them.
SARAH: Also - I almost wrote asshole.
SARAH: I don't know what an asshole of butter is.
KATE: That
KATE: is
KATE: disgusting.
KATE: If someone walked over here right now they would think I was crying.
Sometimes Sarah Has Opinions About Things
SARAH: So I'm reading this cookbook now and it tells you how to make all that brand-name stuff.
SARAH: Like Shamrock Shakes.
time passes
SARAH: CREAM CHEESE??!?!?
SARAH: YOU BUY THAT SHIT, YOU DON'T MAKE IT!
time passes
SARAH: DUCK SAUCE.
SARAH: THERE IS A RECIPE FOR DUCK SAUCE.
KATE: I like that you just shouted "DUCK SAUCE" at me.
SARAH: NEWSFLASH - NOT FROM DUCKS.
time passes
SARAH: FRUIT MOTHERFUCKING ROLLUPS?!?!
SARAH: WHY?
KATE: I couldn't tell you.
KATE: I am, however amused at how irate this has made you.
SARAH: Gatorade?
SARAH: You buy that shit.
SARAH: Goo goo clusters?
SARAH: What the frig are those I am disgusted
KATE: I think it's candy? You're the one with the recipe in front of you.
SARAH: Jesus, Kate, this shit is blowing my mind.
KATE: I can see that
SARAH: MAYO.
SARAH: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE MAYO?!?
SARAH: Like Shamrock Shakes.
time passes
SARAH: CREAM CHEESE??!?!?
SARAH: YOU BUY THAT SHIT, YOU DON'T MAKE IT!
time passes
SARAH: DUCK SAUCE.
SARAH: THERE IS A RECIPE FOR DUCK SAUCE.
KATE: I like that you just shouted "DUCK SAUCE" at me.
SARAH: NEWSFLASH - NOT FROM DUCKS.
time passes
SARAH: FRUIT MOTHERFUCKING ROLLUPS?!?!
SARAH: WHY?
KATE: I couldn't tell you.
KATE: I am, however amused at how irate this has made you.
SARAH: Gatorade?
SARAH: You buy that shit.
SARAH: Goo goo clusters?
SARAH: What the frig are those I am disgusted
KATE: I think it's candy? You're the one with the recipe in front of you.
SARAH: Jesus, Kate, this shit is blowing my mind.
KATE: I can see that
SARAH: MAYO.
SARAH: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE MAYO?!?
And Their Little Plastic Life Choice is a Surprise Every Time
SARAH: KATE PAY MORE ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE
KATE: IF I PAID YOU ANY MORE ATTENTION THEY'D ARREST MEEEEEE
SARAH: Stalking?
KATE: Yeah.
KATE: I keep reading the one BoS post where you said, "I feel like I've been especially demanding of your attention recently. And by recently I mean for the last 15 minutes"
KATE: And I laugh and laugh and laugh.
SARAH: Yeah, that's pretty much how my life goes.
KATE: I just love that "recently" for you is about fifteen minutes long.
SARAH: I'm like a fucked-up goldfish.
KATE: IF I PAID YOU ANY MORE ATTENTION THEY'D ARREST MEEEEEE
SARAH: Stalking?
KATE: Yeah.
KATE: I keep reading the one BoS post where you said, "I feel like I've been especially demanding of your attention recently. And by recently I mean for the last 15 minutes"
KATE: And I laugh and laugh and laugh.
SARAH: Yeah, that's pretty much how my life goes.
KATE: I just love that "recently" for you is about fifteen minutes long.
SARAH: I'm like a fucked-up goldfish.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
No, the Harry Potter Jokes Are Not Even Close to Finished
KATE: So.
KATE: Want to hear something stupid?
SARAH: Of course.
SARAH: Is it "Hagrid's Buttcrack"?
KATE: OMG STOP IT
SARAH: Your grandmother is a blast ended skrewt
KATE: STOP IT YOU ARE A BLAST ENDED JERK
KATE: You don't understand.
KATE: Every time you say things like that I spray spit everywhere.
SARAH: You should stop drinking before you read my text messages.
KATE: I think I should probably start drinking before I read your text messages.
KATE: Want to hear something stupid?
SARAH: Of course.
SARAH: Is it "Hagrid's Buttcrack"?
KATE: OMG STOP IT
SARAH: Your grandmother is a blast ended skrewt
KATE: STOP IT YOU ARE A BLAST ENDED JERK
KATE: You don't understand.
KATE: Every time you say things like that I spray spit everywhere.
SARAH: You should stop drinking before you read my text messages.
KATE: I think I should probably start drinking before I read your text messages.
Charm School Dropouts
SARAH: WIN all over your face!
KATE: UGH. SARAH.
SARAH: WHAT?
SARAH: What did I do this time?
KATE: I am paralyzed
KATE: with laughter.
SARAH: Better than being just paralyzed.
KATE: True.
SARAH: JESUS I'm going to hell.
KATE: UGH. SARAH.
SARAH: WHAT?
SARAH: What did I do this time?
KATE: I am paralyzed
KATE: with laughter.
SARAH: Better than being just paralyzed.
KATE: True.
SARAH: JESUS I'm going to hell.
Witness the Power of this Fully Armed and Operational Short Girl
KATE: Oh NO NO NO. This intern has moved into the cubicle next to me and is playing his shitty rap music very loudly.
SARAH: Oh no.
SARAH: OH NO TERN.
KATE: TERN NO.
KATE: NO TERN.
SARAH: TERN.
SARAH: LISTEN UP.
KATE: He can't hear you.
KATE: His shitty music is too loud.
SARAH: KATE IS A VERY POWERFUL WIZARD
SARAH: AND SHE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
KATE: That's wonderful.
SARAH: You totes would.
SARAH: You're scrappy!
KATE: Scrappy.
SARAH: You will cut bitches.
SARAH: You tell him that.
SARAH: Oh no.
SARAH: OH NO TERN.
KATE: TERN NO.
KATE: NO TERN.
SARAH: TERN.
SARAH: LISTEN UP.
KATE: He can't hear you.
KATE: His shitty music is too loud.
SARAH: KATE IS A VERY POWERFUL WIZARD
SARAH: AND SHE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
KATE: That's wonderful.
SARAH: You totes would.
SARAH: You're scrappy!
KATE: Scrappy.
SARAH: You will cut bitches.
SARAH: You tell him that.
KATE: Uh, hello Cupcake Land.
SARAH: OMG YES NEVER ENOUGH GLITTER
SARAH: Do the curtains you're making have glitter on them? Because they should.
KATE: The curtains will not have glitter but other things can.
KATE: I can make seat covers out of shiny fabric.
SARAH:I didn't know that you knew how to sew.
KATE: I don't.
SARAH: Oh.
SARAH: Well, my mom knows how to sew and I kind of know.
SARAH: Not that you want my mom to help you do anything.
KATE: No, I do not.
SARAH: Except kill yourself. She could help you do that.
KATE: She's certainly a motivating factor.
I Guess That's Good
Kate, I'm always here for you. I might not make the best choices for myself, but I'll always make good choices for you.
Take This Seriously, Please
SARAH: We have to go to Farmingdale, NY.
KATE: We who?
SARAH: You and me.
SARAH: There is a place called Sarah Drive
SARAH: and we need to steal that f'ing sign.
SARAH: For reals!
SARAH: You act like my missions don't have a purpose
SARAH: and they are just silliness.
KATE: We who?
SARAH: You and me.
SARAH: There is a place called Sarah Drive
SARAH: and we need to steal that f'ing sign.
SARAH: For reals!
SARAH: You act like my missions don't have a purpose
SARAH: and they are just silliness.
Lessons in Terror
SARAH: Maybe i'll be like Ollie
SARAH: and hide in the bushes
SARAH: and scare children.
KATE: Please do.
SARAH: RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR VOLDEMORT I will yell when I jump out.
SARAH: And they'll fucking hit me with sticks
SARAH: Little assholes.
SARAH: and hide in the bushes
SARAH: and scare children.
KATE: Please do.
SARAH: RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR VOLDEMORT I will yell when I jump out.
SARAH: And they'll fucking hit me with sticks
SARAH: Little assholes.
You Want Me to Stay Up How Late?
KATE: zzzzzzzz
SARAH: I'm all hyped up over here.
KATE: Good, you can prop me up.
SARAH: KATE THIS IS HARRY POTTER YOU BETTER WAKE THE FUCK UP, WOMAN
SARAH: I'm all hyped up over here.
KATE: Good, you can prop me up.
SARAH: KATE THIS IS HARRY POTTER YOU BETTER WAKE THE FUCK UP, WOMAN
Kate Frolics Among Her People
KATE: I am currently living on Nerd Island.
SARAH: I wonder if they make nerd disinfectant spray.
SARAH: I'm going to have to buy it by the case.
SARAH: I wonder if they make nerd disinfectant spray.
SARAH: I'm going to have to buy it by the case.
Sarah Plans for the Future
SARAH: And when you're old, all the men are probably dead.
KATE: Can we just focus on the present please?
KATE: Let's find you a man for now. We'll find one.
SARAH: AT THE SENIOR CENTER.
KATE: hahahahahaa
KATE: omg.
KATE: I just snotted on my face.
SARAH: Sexy, Kate.
SARAH: Actually, I bet that would attract men at the senior center.
KATE: You bring out the snot in me.
SARAH: You snot on your face, they drool...
KATE: Oh ew ew ew
SARAH: a new exchange of bodily fluids.
KATE: oh GOD
KATE : that's HORRIBLE.
SARAH: And funny.
SARAH: You know you can't stop laughing.
KATE: Of course.
SARAH: I'm going to go and shake it to the old men in wheelchairs
SARAH: because maybe they are rich
SARAH: and want a nice girl.
KATE: I...
KATE: Speechless.
SARAH: And who cares if I am younger than their children or grandchildren?
SARAH: They just have to love me enough to leave me all their shit in their will.
KATE: Can we just focus on the present please?
KATE: Let's find you a man for now. We'll find one.
SARAH: AT THE SENIOR CENTER.
KATE: hahahahahaa
KATE: omg.
KATE: I just snotted on my face.
SARAH: Sexy, Kate.
SARAH: Actually, I bet that would attract men at the senior center.
KATE: You bring out the snot in me.
SARAH: You snot on your face, they drool...
KATE: Oh ew ew ew
SARAH: a new exchange of bodily fluids.
KATE: oh GOD
KATE : that's HORRIBLE.
SARAH: And funny.
SARAH: You know you can't stop laughing.
KATE: Of course.
SARAH: I'm going to go and shake it to the old men in wheelchairs
SARAH: because maybe they are rich
SARAH: and want a nice girl.
KATE: I...
KATE: Speechless.
SARAH: And who cares if I am younger than their children or grandchildren?
SARAH: They just have to love me enough to leave me all their shit in their will.
Time is Relative.
Kate, I feel like I am very needy for your attention as of late...And by late, I mean in the past 15 minutes.
Lessons in Seduction
SARAH: You should butter your landlord up with cupcakes.
KATE: I can do that.
SARAH: You can. Bat your eyelashes.
KATE: I'm doing it right now.
KATE: bat bat bat
SARAH: Sometimes that makes me dizzy.
KATE: haha
SARAH: I can be coy, but I might fall down.
KATE: I can do that.
SARAH: You can. Bat your eyelashes.
KATE: I'm doing it right now.
KATE: bat bat bat
SARAH: Sometimes that makes me dizzy.
KATE: haha
SARAH: I can be coy, but I might fall down.
Like the World is Not Scary Enough Already
SARAH: I hardly ever do things for evil.
KATE: Oh, hardly EVER.
SARAH: It's not like I've taught Ollie to use a gun...yet.
KATE: That cat does NOT need any more weapons.
SARAH: He would totally use it on me.
SARAH: Like a fucker.
KATE: Oh, hardly EVER.
SARAH: It's not like I've taught Ollie to use a gun...yet.
KATE: That cat does NOT need any more weapons.
SARAH: He would totally use it on me.
SARAH: Like a fucker.
Tweety = Death
SARAH: 2 things:
SARAH: 1: The sun is out and it's kind of summery.
SARAH: 2: If I ever own a tweety bird anything, I want you to kill me.
KATE: You don't have a say in the matter, I'll just do it.
SARAH: Thank the lord.
KATE: You can count on me.
SARAH: 1: The sun is out and it's kind of summery.
SARAH: 2: If I ever own a tweety bird anything, I want you to kill me.
KATE: You don't have a say in the matter, I'll just do it.
SARAH: Thank the lord.
KATE: You can count on me.
Ground Control to Major Sarah
OKAY.
PEOPLE.
I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY HANDS.
When I answer the phone "Good morning, Company X," that's where you are calling. We are not the hospital. If you used the internet to find this number, you can find the number you want there. I want to be like FIND IT YOURSELF. Instead I will leave this woman on hold for a bit while I half-assedly look for the number. If you're going to be an idiot, I can be a bitch.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.
I did keep her on hold for 5 minutes though. It brought me joy...
I am the phone commander.
PEOPLE.
I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY HANDS.
When I answer the phone "Good morning, Company X," that's where you are calling. We are not the hospital. If you used the internet to find this number, you can find the number you want there. I want to be like FIND IT YOURSELF. Instead I will leave this woman on hold for a bit while I half-assedly look for the number. If you're going to be an idiot, I can be a bitch.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.
I did keep her on hold for 5 minutes though. It brought me joy...
I am the phone commander.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
How's That For a Mental Picture?
SARAH: I'm looking at new mattresses online. Mine is a twin.
KATE: Ah. Yeah, that's itty bitty.
SARAH: It's hard to have sexytimes in - just in case you wanted to know.
SARAH: I mean, in college my bed was against the wall, so it was better,
SARAH: but now my bed is in the middle of the room and you can fall out of bed AT ANY MOMENT during sexytimes.
KATE: Not so good.
SARAH: Someone is going to f***ing get hurt
SARAH: also get hurt f***ing.
KATE: I was going to say that.
SARAH: Charming and classy ladies,
SARAH: right f***ing here.
KATE: Ah. Yeah, that's itty bitty.
SARAH: It's hard to have sexytimes in - just in case you wanted to know.
SARAH: I mean, in college my bed was against the wall, so it was better,
SARAH: but now my bed is in the middle of the room and you can fall out of bed AT ANY MOMENT during sexytimes.
KATE: Not so good.
SARAH: Someone is going to f***ing get hurt
SARAH: also get hurt f***ing.
KATE: I was going to say that.
SARAH: Charming and classy ladies,
SARAH: right f***ing here.
We're All Class Over Here
They are printing our business cards and we will have them on Friday. And then I can flash them around, and say THIS IS HOW YOU GET ME WHEN YOU NEED ME BECAUSE I AM FANCY AND IMPORTANT. And I could give them to boys. You know, in case they needed my "services." My "media planning and buying" services.
Na na na na na na na na naaaaaaa Rivers Cuomo, We Blame You For This
KATE: We could get cupcake magnets for the fridge!
SARAH: We could MAKE cupcake magnets.
KATE: We COULD.
SARAH: ARTS AND F***ING CRAFTS, MOTHERF***ER
SARAH: We could MAKE cupcake magnets.
KATE: We COULD.
SARAH: ARTS AND F***ING CRAFTS, MOTHERF***ER
Tyrannosaurus Sarah
SARAH: If I was still dating Achilles and he brought me a cupcake from the Magnolia Bakery,
SARAH: it would be a very very good night in his life
SARAH: but since i DON'T date him
SARAH: I'm just going to emotionally abuse him for a while.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
KATE: You are some kind of monster.
SARAH: a CUPCAKE-EATING, MAN-CRUSHING MONSTER
KATE: That's the one.
SARAH: it would be a very very good night in his life
SARAH: but since i DON'T date him
SARAH: I'm just going to emotionally abuse him for a while.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
KATE: You are some kind of monster.
SARAH: a CUPCAKE-EATING, MAN-CRUSHING MONSTER
KATE: That's the one.
It's From PB&J Otter, Okay?
SARAH: I just tapped my head and said to BStP, "I used my noodle."
KATE: noooodle
KATE: use your noooooodle
SARAH: noooooooooodle
SARAH: do the noodle dance
KATE: ::dance dance dance::
KATE: Apparently it's a Nick Jr kind of day.
SARAH: Soupsnake f***ing dog friends up in this biatch!
KATE: I almost just fell out of my chair laughing.
KATE: noooodle
KATE: use your noooooodle
SARAH: noooooooooodle
SARAH: do the noodle dance
KATE: ::dance dance dance::
KATE: Apparently it's a Nick Jr kind of day.
SARAH: Soupsnake f***ing dog friends up in this biatch!
KATE: I almost just fell out of my chair laughing.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Kate Goes to Poetry Camp, With Special Guest Tom the Manfriend!
TOM: Hey, at least you're not going LARPing.
TOM: I like your poetry, but when you say you're going to poetry camp I laugh and laugh.
KATE: Shut up. I'm cool.
KATE: I'm super cool.
KATE: I'm the coolest.
KATE: Shut up.
SARAH: You are so cool.
KATE: SO cool.
SARAH: But if you were LARPing, you'd be living in a box somewhere without me.
KATE: Good to know.
SARAH: I'd keep that shit on the DL.
KATE: What, poetry camp? Or LARPing?
SARAH: LARPing. I'd LARP your face,
SARAH: except it wouldn't be LARP
SARAH: It would be LAMFIYF
SARAH: (live action my fist in your face)
TOM: I like your poetry, but when you say you're going to poetry camp I laugh and laugh.
KATE: Shut up. I'm cool.
KATE: I'm super cool.
KATE: I'm the coolest.
KATE: Shut up.
SARAH: You are so cool.
KATE: SO cool.
SARAH: But if you were LARPing, you'd be living in a box somewhere without me.
KATE: Good to know.
SARAH: I'd keep that shit on the DL.
KATE: What, poetry camp? Or LARPing?
SARAH: LARPing. I'd LARP your face,
SARAH: except it wouldn't be LARP
SARAH: It would be LAMFIYF
SARAH: (live action my fist in your face)
The Story of Andre, Who is 47,000 Feet Tall
OMG. So Andre and his adorable wife sat on that stage on the town green and ate their picnic lunch.
I want to wash my heart. It's so overwhelmed with joy.
I want to wash my heart. It's so overwhelmed with joy.
Don't Be That Cat
This morning, Ollie was sitting on my lap and I was petting him and he was purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring and then he would bite me and then he would purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr some more and then he would bite me again. Ollie, there are reasons no one loves you. We've figured them out.
Dear Kate's Stomach:
Don't be an asshole like Ollie. I mean, it isn't possible for your stomach to ACTUALLY be an asshole, mostly because they are in different places.
XO
Sarah
Dear Kate's Stomach:
Don't be an asshole like Ollie. I mean, it isn't possible for your stomach to ACTUALLY be an asshole, mostly because they are in different places.
XO
Sarah
Sarah Reads the Classifieds
WHY ARE YOU SELLING A SPECIAL OLYMPICS SHIRT AND HAT FROM THE 1995 GAMES? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO BUY THAT? YOU KEEP THAT SHIT, WEIRDO
Monday, June 22, 2009
It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
SARAH: Oh my holy crap.
KATE: Wow. Aren't you glad you're alive now and not then?
SARAH: I totally would have gotten smacked every day.
KATE: Yes.
SARAH: Smacked right in my smart mouth.
SARAH: You know, for burning the roast or whatever.
KATE: And I would have just killed myself, because a girl like me is just not meant for that sort of thing.
SARAH: And then I would have been sad.
KATE: Oh, we wouldn't know each other--how would we have met? At WORK? Nope.
SARAH: That's right.
SARAH: In that case, I think I would also be sticking my head in the oven.
KATE: We are so much fun.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Crotches, Coming Summer 2009
I just called Achilles a "crotchy old man." I feel like that's accurate.
It's like the computer knows, and is changing the words to make sense. If this was a bad movie starring Nicholas Cage or Bruce Willis, the letters that the computer omits would actually be getting stored someone else, and the computer is predicting the end of the universe, and the way it is telling us is by stealing letters from insulting IMs.
It's going to be a box office smash and make like, 90 trillion dollars opening weekend.
Kate. We need to pitch this to someone.
It's like the computer knows, and is changing the words to make sense. If this was a bad movie starring Nicholas Cage or Bruce Willis, the letters that the computer omits would actually be getting stored someone else, and the computer is predicting the end of the universe, and the way it is telling us is by stealing letters from insulting IMs.
It's going to be a box office smash and make like, 90 trillion dollars opening weekend.
Kate. We need to pitch this to someone.
Don't Stop Believing
SARAH: I don't think I will be having sexy times anytime soon
SARAH: because of my snark.
KATE: You never know.
SARAH: I do know.
SARAH: It's what happens when you're a nasty bitch.
SARAH: It's called reality.
KATE: Don't worry.
KATE: That didn't really prevent you from getting laid before.
SARAH: because of my snark.
KATE: You never know.
SARAH: I do know.
SARAH: It's what happens when you're a nasty bitch.
SARAH: It's called reality.
KATE: Don't worry.
KATE: That didn't really prevent you from getting laid before.
Never Thought I'd Be On a Cloud
SARAH: You really do love science and I really don't get science and we're like the odd couple or something, except not.
KATE: Here's the full video of "Partly Cloudy" (the Pixar short).
SARAH: Kate, that is not a link for Partly Cloudy, that's a link for nerd news. And you know how I feel about that.
KATE: Here's the full video of "Partly Cloudy" (the Pixar short).
SARAH: Kate, that is not a link for Partly Cloudy, that's a link for nerd news. And you know how I feel about that.
Do You Know Sarah? Oh, Good, You're Fair Game.
SARAH: Coworker N went out with two old guys this weekend. Guys with kids.
KATE: Someone's dad?
SARAH: 2 Someone's Dads. Let's get it straight.
SARAH: One of them asked for her phone number. I told her that maybe he wanted her to babysit.
SARAH: I think I'm funny, even if no one else does.
KATE: Someone's dad?
SARAH: 2 Someone's Dads. Let's get it straight.
SARAH: One of them asked for her phone number. I told her that maybe he wanted her to babysit.
SARAH: I think I'm funny, even if no one else does.
I Am Become Sarah, Shatterer of Boys
You're right. It's impossible to meet people around here and I have no hope in that case. It's not even like I have any hobbies that would bring me in contact with people worth knowing. So. Maybe your friends have a nice friend or something? I mean, he can't be too nice, otherwise I'll destroy him. But we know this... or at least you know it. No nice boys for me, otherwise I will rip out their soul and kill them.
Whenever I watch the Ok Go video, I wonder how long it took them to find the right speed for the treadmills. And then I think of them doing it at the wrong speed and falling down and then I laugh. Other people's pain amuses me. Going straight to hell I am.
Whenever I watch the Ok Go video, I wonder how long it took them to find the right speed for the treadmills. And then I think of them doing it at the wrong speed and falling down and then I laugh. Other people's pain amuses me. Going straight to hell I am.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
You've Heard of Gorillas in the Mist?
Coworker X is outside...JUMPING ROPE IN THE RAIN. He's also on a crash diet of eating nothing but apples for breakfast and lunch so he can lose 10 pounds in a week. Yes, that's healthy. Eat nothing but apples and work out. I don't see how that could go badly.
An Open Letter to Lettuce
Dear Lettuce,
Sometimes when I put on you my veggie burger that I have for lunch, I have extra. So I pick it up and eat it...You really need to work on tasting better. You're always so good when you have dressing on you, but without dressing, you're crap. Just wanted to let you know.
XO,
Sarah
Sometimes when I put on you my veggie burger that I have for lunch, I have extra. So I pick it up and eat it...You really need to work on tasting better. You're always so good when you have dressing on you, but without dressing, you're crap. Just wanted to let you know.
XO,
Sarah
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Domain Name Probably Isn't Taken.
SARAH: Why are all the websites for men funny, and none of the ones for women?
KATE: Well, duh, Sarah, women aren't funny.
KATE: We're just here for decoration.
SARAH: Rephrase - why are there no funny women websites?
SARAH: What the frig is that about?
SARAH: We should start one.
SARAH: (Other than Best of Sarah)
KATE: I was going to say,
KATE: we kind of have.
SARAH: We should start another one,
SARAH: called "We Can Be Funny Too, You Assholes"
KATE: Well, duh, Sarah, women aren't funny.
KATE: We're just here for decoration.
SARAH: Rephrase - why are there no funny women websites?
SARAH: What the frig is that about?
SARAH: We should start one.
SARAH: (Other than Best of Sarah)
KATE: I was going to say,
KATE: we kind of have.
SARAH: We should start another one,
SARAH: called "We Can Be Funny Too, You Assholes"
1-5000 Gumdrop Lane
SARAH: We're sending a letter to the Yummy Yummy Baking Company
SARAH: and all I can think is REALLY?
SARAH: That's like owning a store and calling it the "Good Shit in Here Place."
KATE: I bet they're at like 3701 Yummy Yummy Baking Company Street.
SARAH: If I ever own a company, I'm going to get a road
SARAH: and call it Gumdrop Lane
SARAH: because HELLO, WHY NOT
SARAH: and every time someone asks for the address, I'll give them a different number
SARAH: because we will be the only fucking building on Gumdrop Lane!
SARAH: and all I can think is REALLY?
SARAH: That's like owning a store and calling it the "Good Shit in Here Place."
KATE: I bet they're at like 3701 Yummy Yummy Baking Company Street.
SARAH: If I ever own a company, I'm going to get a road
SARAH: and call it Gumdrop Lane
SARAH: because HELLO, WHY NOT
SARAH: and every time someone asks for the address, I'll give them a different number
SARAH: because we will be the only fucking building on Gumdrop Lane!
Nobody Has Ever Been This Sick Before, Ever.
SARAH: He's a bigger wuss than you or I.
SARAH: cough cough I am so sick!
SARAH: I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie here I am so sick
KATE: black lung
KATE: koff koff
SARAH: Goooooooooodbye cruel world!
SARAH: I was but a young man until a papercut stole my life!
SARAH: cough cough I am so sick!
SARAH: I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie here I am so sick
KATE: black lung
KATE: koff koff
SARAH: Goooooooooodbye cruel world!
SARAH: I was but a young man until a papercut stole my life!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
It's Like Lord of the Flies, Except Everyone is Piggy
KATE: I'm getting nerdier, I'm sure of it.
SARAH: I wish there was some sort of vaccine.
KATE: Don't cure me!
KATE: I want to be a mutant.
SARAH: I want to save you from yourself!
SARAH: Otherwise we're going to have to start an all-new Australia,
SARAH: but instead of criminals, it will be nerds.
SARAH: I wish there was some sort of vaccine.
KATE: Don't cure me!
KATE: I want to be a mutant.
SARAH: I want to save you from yourself!
SARAH: Otherwise we're going to have to start an all-new Australia,
SARAH: but instead of criminals, it will be nerds.
That's What Friends Are For.
KATE: Such good stuff happened in the world of science today!
KATE: Can I tell you one of them?
KATE: You won't care,
KATE: But it's kind of a big deal.
SARAH: Of course!
SARAH: You can always tell me whatever you want
SARAH: and I will always pretend to care.
incidentally, I was referring to this.
KATE: Can I tell you one of them?
KATE: You won't care,
KATE: But it's kind of a big deal.
SARAH: Of course!
SARAH: You can always tell me whatever you want
SARAH: and I will always pretend to care.
incidentally, I was referring to this.
See Also: Duck Farts.
SARAH: I just thought of this one:
SARAH: Unicorns fart glitter, right?
SARAH: So if you were going to have to have a shot called a Unicorn Fart,
SARAH: you have to have vanilla vodka, glitter
SARAH: and a tad bit of cranberry juice
SARAH: because I would imagine unicorn farts are pink and glittery.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Hardly.
SARAH: But I have been giggling to myself
SARAH: about animal flatulence.
KATE: That's really what's important.
SARAH: Unicorns fart glitter, right?
SARAH: So if you were going to have to have a shot called a Unicorn Fart,
SARAH: you have to have vanilla vodka, glitter
SARAH: and a tad bit of cranberry juice
SARAH: because I would imagine unicorn farts are pink and glittery.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Hardly.
SARAH: But I have been giggling to myself
SARAH: about animal flatulence.
KATE: That's really what's important.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Did I Mention She Was Evil?
SARAH: B2 is totally the best looking kid in his grade.
SARAH: He goes to school with lots of ugly kids.
KATE: How does that happen?
SARAH: I don't know
SARAH: but these kids are so ugly.
SARAH: They fell down the Ugly Tree and into the You-Look-Llike-Ass Puddle.
SARAH: He goes to school with lots of ugly kids.
KATE: How does that happen?
SARAH: I don't know
SARAH: but these kids are so ugly.
SARAH: They fell down the Ugly Tree and into the You-Look-Llike-Ass Puddle.
No Day But Today, Guys
So Coworker N has gotten all preachy lately, and she keeps repeating this stupid shit like "When a door closes, a window opens." I want to be like, "HEY. This isn't RENT."
Sarah's Helpful Hints
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WEBSITE?
YOU CANNOT TROUBLESHOOT YOURSELF
I'm going to troubleshoot these people in the face.
Oh my holy crap.
YOU CANNOT TROUBLESHOOT YOURSELF
I'm going to troubleshoot these people in the face.
Oh my holy crap.
Like Debutantes, We Are. Or Longshoremen.
SARAH: Apparently there is a drink called a duck fart.
SARAH: I don't know what that would be, but the idea of ducks farting is funny.
KATE: What the hell? Pondweeds and fish?
SARAH: Cause maybe their feathers would get all disturbed
KATE: And there would be bubbles.
SARAH:And they don't have butts - so would it make a sound?
KATE: Ah. This is a question philosophers have pondered for centuries.
SARAH: I want to google "duck fart"
SARAH: but I don't
SARAH: I don't know what that would be, but the idea of ducks farting is funny.
KATE: What the hell? Pondweeds and fish?
SARAH: Cause maybe their feathers would get all disturbed
KATE: And there would be bubbles.
SARAH:And they don't have butts - so would it make a sound?
KATE: Ah. This is a question philosophers have pondered for centuries.
SARAH: I want to google "duck fart"
SARAH: but I don't
Sarah and The Face She Keeps in a Jar By the Door
SARAH: Whenever I hear "Eleanor Rigby," I feel like I should be stabbing someone.
KATE: ...why?
SARAH: I dunno.
KATE: Oh, because of the string part?
SARAH: Yeah. That's it.
KATE: I never thought of that before.
SARAH: stab stab stab stab
SARAH: I'll be sure to hum this the next time I go all murdery
SARAH: That can be my thing.
KATE: That is a great idea.
SARAH: I can't see how that would go wrong.
SARAH: Dude, I OWNED last night at Jeopardy.
KATE: What were the categories?
SARAH: I think there was something about fruit.
SARAH: There was a category called "i killed someone."
KATE: Wow. It was like Sarah Night on Jeopardy.
KATE: ...why?
SARAH: I dunno.
KATE: Oh, because of the string part?
SARAH: Yeah. That's it.
KATE: I never thought of that before.
SARAH: stab stab stab stab
SARAH: I'll be sure to hum this the next time I go all murdery
SARAH: That can be my thing.
KATE: That is a great idea.
SARAH: I can't see how that would go wrong.
SARAH: Dude, I OWNED last night at Jeopardy.
KATE: What were the categories?
SARAH: I think there was something about fruit.
SARAH: There was a category called "i killed someone."
KATE: Wow. It was like Sarah Night on Jeopardy.
So, of course, I Asked Why Her Dad Didn't Do It Himself.
I had to take care of it because my dad was cleaning the kitchen and he said that B2 or I had to do it and B2 is a wimp about that s*** and so it came to me and that crap couldn't stay in the house.
God, it was horrible. And then when Jack started eating it? ICKY ICK ICK GROSS VOM.
I guess with Jack, the deader and more gross and disgusting it is, the more tasty it is?
And my mom came home and acted like it was no big deal. Excuse me, mom, I almost vomited up very tasty pizza because of your gross chicken bits and if B1 was here he would have totally vomited and there isn't enough soap in the world to make me feel clean right now GOD I HATE YOU
God, it was horrible. And then when Jack started eating it? ICKY ICK ICK GROSS VOM.
I guess with Jack, the deader and more gross and disgusting it is, the more tasty it is?
And my mom came home and acted like it was no big deal. Excuse me, mom, I almost vomited up very tasty pizza because of your gross chicken bits and if B1 was here he would have totally vomited and there isn't enough soap in the world to make me feel clean right now GOD I HATE YOU
The Legend of Sarah and the Nasty-Ass Smell
Are you ready for the story of....Sarah and B2 and the Case of the Nasty-Ass Smell in My House OMG Where is it Coming From? (Kind of imagine this is like Are You Afraid of the Dark, and i threw that dust into the fire that makes it get all smoky and dramatic-like.)
Okay, so I came home last night and the house smelled TERRIBLE. It smelled like something had vomited and died. Yes, it was that bad. And my dad had no idea where the smell was coming from, and B2 had no idea. So my dad told B2 to wash out the garbage can, thinking maybe the smell was coming from there.
It wasn't.
So B2 asks my dad again where the smell is coming from. My dad tells us that he knows but we have to guess. So we start shouting out things - ONIONS! POTATOES! STRAWBERRIES! THAT WEIRD FIRE HYDRANT THING WE PUT COMPOST IN! THE FRUIT IN THE BASKET! OLLIE!
Nope, none of those things.
So...We had chicken on sunday night, like a whole roast chicken. We put it on a beer can and you put it on the grill and nom nom nom it is so good. So in the chicken come gizzards or whatever that s*** is? Well, my mom takes the gizzards out and does god knows what with them. We were going to have the chicken on Saturday night, but we ended up going out to dinner and we didn't have the chicken until Sunday. So the chicken gizzards sat on a pot on the stove from Saturday morning until last night... which explains the smell.
We are dying.
My dad says that we have to take the gizzards down to the compost or something and I said that I would do it as long as B2 had the assist (there were other things that needed to go as well). So I grab the gross chicken pot without looking at it and I go outside and I'm like "B2, OPEN THE GATE TO THE DECK SO I CAN GET RID OF THIS" and he's refusing because the smell is so bad and I'm begging him to do so and so I turned around with the chicken s*** pot and he's like "STOP TWIRLING LIKE A BALLERINA YOU ARE MAKING THIS WORSE"
He finally opens the gate and I start going down in the backyard and Jack starts following me and (I'm getting a little queasy thinking about this) I go to dump the chicken s*** out and it's stuck in the pot and THE CHICKEN S*** JUICE GETS ON MY HAND so I scream and drop it and run and now the chicken s*** smells is everywhere and WE ARE OUTSIDE and we're gagging and I tried to run away from the smell and it was following me and then Jack was eating the chicken s*** and I had to go and get the pot but it was in the bushes and GOD IT SMELLED SO BAD and I would start dry heaving whenever I got near the pot and then I finally got it.
So we went back up to the house and I left the pot on the deck to punish it for being nasty-ass. But my dad said we had to wash it. So i brought it in and covered it with soap and my dad washed it AND THE HOUSE STILL SMELLED LIKE CHICKEN S*** FROM A POT and then my mom came home because OF COURSE she was out at dinner. And we shouted at her about the chicken s*** in the pot.
Okay, so I came home last night and the house smelled TERRIBLE. It smelled like something had vomited and died. Yes, it was that bad. And my dad had no idea where the smell was coming from, and B2 had no idea. So my dad told B2 to wash out the garbage can, thinking maybe the smell was coming from there.
It wasn't.
So B2 asks my dad again where the smell is coming from. My dad tells us that he knows but we have to guess. So we start shouting out things - ONIONS! POTATOES! STRAWBERRIES! THAT WEIRD FIRE HYDRANT THING WE PUT COMPOST IN! THE FRUIT IN THE BASKET! OLLIE!
Nope, none of those things.
So...We had chicken on sunday night, like a whole roast chicken. We put it on a beer can and you put it on the grill and nom nom nom it is so good. So in the chicken come gizzards or whatever that s*** is? Well, my mom takes the gizzards out and does god knows what with them. We were going to have the chicken on Saturday night, but we ended up going out to dinner and we didn't have the chicken until Sunday. So the chicken gizzards sat on a pot on the stove from Saturday morning until last night... which explains the smell.
We are dying.
My dad says that we have to take the gizzards down to the compost or something and I said that I would do it as long as B2 had the assist (there were other things that needed to go as well). So I grab the gross chicken pot without looking at it and I go outside and I'm like "B2, OPEN THE GATE TO THE DECK SO I CAN GET RID OF THIS" and he's refusing because the smell is so bad and I'm begging him to do so and so I turned around with the chicken s*** pot and he's like "STOP TWIRLING LIKE A BALLERINA YOU ARE MAKING THIS WORSE"
He finally opens the gate and I start going down in the backyard and Jack starts following me and (I'm getting a little queasy thinking about this) I go to dump the chicken s*** out and it's stuck in the pot and THE CHICKEN S*** JUICE GETS ON MY HAND so I scream and drop it and run and now the chicken s*** smells is everywhere and WE ARE OUTSIDE and we're gagging and I tried to run away from the smell and it was following me and then Jack was eating the chicken s*** and I had to go and get the pot but it was in the bushes and GOD IT SMELLED SO BAD and I would start dry heaving whenever I got near the pot and then I finally got it.
So we went back up to the house and I left the pot on the deck to punish it for being nasty-ass. But my dad said we had to wash it. So i brought it in and covered it with soap and my dad washed it AND THE HOUSE STILL SMELLED LIKE CHICKEN S*** FROM A POT and then my mom came home because OF COURSE she was out at dinner. And we shouted at her about the chicken s*** in the pot.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
You Can't Win. Just Give Up.
ACHILLES: You're Little Miss Can't-be-wrong, you know that?
ACHILLES: The Spin Doctors were talking about you.
SARAH: They were not.
SARAH: Because they don't know me.
SARAH: And Achilles, it's not that I Can't-be-wrong.
ACHILLES: HA!
SARAH: It's that you're Mr. Never-makes-f***ing-sense.
ACHILLES: The Spin Doctors were talking about you.
SARAH: They were not.
SARAH: Because they don't know me.
SARAH: And Achilles, it's not that I Can't-be-wrong.
ACHILLES: HA!
SARAH: It's that you're Mr. Never-makes-f***ing-sense.
Check and Mate.
ACHILLES: You just made up and are trying to be some sort of internet celebrity.
SARAH: Honey, I already am.
SARAH: (HELLO, Best of Sarah)
SARAH: Honey, I already am.
SARAH: (HELLO, Best of Sarah)
Sarah, the Life of the Office
Word got around my office that I have venison, and now I'm everyone's best friend. I said that out loud, and Coworker N's response was, "I can't believe I'm not drunk right now."
We're Not Unreasonable
KATE: Not if he were the last man on earth.
SARAH: Ever.
KATE: Ever.
SARAH: Even if everyone else was eaten by zombies.
KATE: Ha! How on earth did we manage to survive that?
KATE: I figure we'd be the first to go.
SARAH: Because we are resourceful?
SARAH: Because of underpants?
KATE: Ah. Yes. Because of underpants.
KATE: Zombie-resistant underpants.
SARAH: Yes. They keep the zombies out and the boys in?
KATE: Sounds good to me.
KATE: But wait--what if it's a boy zombie?
KATE: Which takes precedence?
SARAH: Zombie always comes before boy.
SARAH: We don't want any zombies at all.
KATE: That's wise.
SARAH: Then again, we don't want all boys.
KATE: Well, no.
KATE: But surely we'll have some say in that part.
SARAH: Invitation-only underpants.
KATE: You can't really decide with zombies.
KATE: "No, I don't want you to attack me. You? You're okay though."
KATE: Nope.
SARAH: As long as no one eats your eyes.
SARAH: Ever.
KATE: Ever.
SARAH: Even if everyone else was eaten by zombies.
KATE: Ha! How on earth did we manage to survive that?
KATE: I figure we'd be the first to go.
SARAH: Because we are resourceful?
SARAH: Because of underpants?
KATE: Ah. Yes. Because of underpants.
KATE: Zombie-resistant underpants.
SARAH: Yes. They keep the zombies out and the boys in?
KATE: Sounds good to me.
KATE: But wait--what if it's a boy zombie?
KATE: Which takes precedence?
SARAH: Zombie always comes before boy.
SARAH: We don't want any zombies at all.
KATE: That's wise.
SARAH: Then again, we don't want all boys.
KATE: Well, no.
KATE: But surely we'll have some say in that part.
SARAH: Invitation-only underpants.
KATE: You can't really decide with zombies.
KATE: "No, I don't want you to attack me. You? You're okay though."
KATE: Nope.
SARAH: As long as no one eats your eyes.
All Aboard the Bitch Bus
SARAH: Andre just dropped the key for the bathroom on the floor.
SARAH: I told him he's the reason we can't have nice things.
KATE: Ha.
SARAH: All aboard the Bitch Bus!
KATE: toot toot!
SARAH: No, I would totally have an airhorn on the Bitch Bus.
KATE: WHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
SARAH: The Bitch Bus does not toot.
KATE: Mine would. Mine would be a Bitch Trolley,
KATE: with a little bell.
SARAH: ting ting!
KATE: Exactly.
SARAH: Your Bitch Trolley would roll peacefully through the town
KATE: and run people over. Adorably.
SARAH: whereas the Bitch Bus would drive around like the Knight Bus from Harry Potter,
SARAH: except it would actually hit things.
SARAH: I told him he's the reason we can't have nice things.
KATE: Ha.
SARAH: All aboard the Bitch Bus!
KATE: toot toot!
SARAH: No, I would totally have an airhorn on the Bitch Bus.
KATE: WHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
SARAH: The Bitch Bus does not toot.
KATE: Mine would. Mine would be a Bitch Trolley,
KATE: with a little bell.
SARAH: ting ting!
KATE: Exactly.
SARAH: Your Bitch Trolley would roll peacefully through the town
KATE: and run people over. Adorably.
SARAH: whereas the Bitch Bus would drive around like the Knight Bus from Harry Potter,
SARAH: except it would actually hit things.
Sarah Plays Hipster Bingo
KATE: Nope, I only get the free square and the chuck ts.
KATE: Maybe it is accurate, Sarah.
KATE: Maybe you are a hipster.
SARAH: NO. I don't wanna be.
KATE: Maybe you and BJ are truly meant to be.
SARAH: NO. I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE BJ.
SARAH: Show him the hipster bingo.
SARAH: I'm surprised his head isn't on there somewhere.
SARAH: OH MAN, and I have a puffy down vest...
SARAH: KATE, I'm a hipster.
KATE: Yeah. You are.
SARAH: I'm no better than BJ.
KATE: Nope.
SARAH: I might have to go home and kill myself.
SARAH: Find someone else to feed the rats.
SARAH: I have a feeling. My "you're a f***ing moron" sense is tingling
SARAH: and it's saying...YOU'RE A F***ING MORON, IDIOTFACE.
KATE: Yeah, but you have that all the time though even when it's not true.
SARAH: Maybe it's on the fritz. I dont know who you would see about fixing that.
SARAH: Do they make sense doctors? I don't think so.
SARAH: If there were sense doctors, I would send my mom there
SARAH: and make her stay there until she made sense again.
KATE: YES.
SARAH: I bet they would put you in a box and ask you questions.
KATE: Maybe you can tell her she's going to the sense doctors, and just drop her in the polar bear enclosure?
KATE: because obviously doctors are at the zoo.
SARAH: Like they would give her a phone and she would call my cell and say, "Sarah?"
SARAH: and someone would hit her.
KATE: Ha!
SARAH: OR if she called the house phone and ask if the person who answered was home
SARAH: She'd get a smack for that.
SARAH: Kate, we should become doctors
SARAH: just so people would pay us to literally slap sense into someone.
SARAH: MAN. I AM SO SMART.
KATE: Good idea.
SARAH: I feel as though we have stumbled upon something really important today.
SARAH: and it's saying...YOU'RE A F***ING MORON, IDIOTFACE.
KATE: Yeah, but you have that all the time though even when it's not true.
SARAH: Maybe it's on the fritz. I dont know who you would see about fixing that.
SARAH: Do they make sense doctors? I don't think so.
SARAH: If there were sense doctors, I would send my mom there
SARAH: and make her stay there until she made sense again.
KATE: YES.
SARAH: I bet they would put you in a box and ask you questions.
KATE: Maybe you can tell her she's going to the sense doctors, and just drop her in the polar bear enclosure?
KATE: because obviously doctors are at the zoo.
SARAH: Like they would give her a phone and she would call my cell and say, "Sarah?"
SARAH: and someone would hit her.
KATE: Ha!
SARAH: OR if she called the house phone and ask if the person who answered was home
SARAH: She'd get a smack for that.
SARAH: Kate, we should become doctors
SARAH: just so people would pay us to literally slap sense into someone.
SARAH: MAN. I AM SO SMART.
KATE: Good idea.
SARAH: I feel as though we have stumbled upon something really important today.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Wednesday Was a Very Long Day
PEOPLE
PEOPLE ON THE PHONE. If someone doesn't answer their phone...LEAVE THEM A MESSAGE.
Dear Everyone:
Go f*** yourselves.
Love,
Me
Kate, kill this guy. And kill me.
No, kill me. Kill me twice.
PEOPLE
LEAVE VOICEMAILS
THAT IS THE POINT OF F***ING VOICEMAIL
YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE AND PEOPLE CALL YOU BACK AND WHY DOES MY DESK SMELL LIKE MAPLE SYRUP I AM GOING TO KILL EVERYONE
PEOPLE ON THE PHONE. If someone doesn't answer their phone...LEAVE THEM A MESSAGE.
Dear Everyone:
Go f*** yourselves.
Love,
Me
Kate, kill this guy. And kill me.
No, kill me. Kill me twice.
PEOPLE
LEAVE VOICEMAILS
THAT IS THE POINT OF F***ING VOICEMAIL
YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE AND PEOPLE CALL YOU BACK AND WHY DOES MY DESK SMELL LIKE MAPLE SYRUP I AM GOING TO KILL EVERYONE
Careful.
KATE: Oh dear god.
KATE: I just snotted on my desk.
KATE: You are too much.
KATE: My cubicle neighbors must think I'm epileptic.
SARAH: Ew. Snot.
SARAH: I suppose the calories would come out in the snots too.
KATE: I was paralyzed for a moment
KATE: With trying not to laugh too loud.
SARAH: It could come out as a fart if you're not careful.
SARAH: Happens to my brother sometimes.
KATE: I just snotted on my desk.
KATE: You are too much.
KATE: My cubicle neighbors must think I'm epileptic.
SARAH: Ew. Snot.
SARAH: I suppose the calories would come out in the snots too.
KATE: I was paralyzed for a moment
KATE: With trying not to laugh too loud.
SARAH: It could come out as a fart if you're not careful.
SARAH: Happens to my brother sometimes.
Magical Melty Crack Rock Vitamins? On Sale.
SARAH: So in Weight Watchers once we were talking about how your body gets all the daily requirements of stuff that it needs...like vitamin C or D or sodium or whatever,
SARAH: So people at the meeting thought that once you reached your requirement of vitamin C, all the calories associated with the vitamin would also be gotten rid of by your body.
KATE: Magically?
SARAH: Well, by peeing
SARAH: You would pee out all the calories.
SARAH: Are people really this dumb?
SARAH: If we peed out everything we didn't need, NONE OF US WOULD BE FAT, DUMBSH**.
SARAH: So people at the meeting thought that once you reached your requirement of vitamin C, all the calories associated with the vitamin would also be gotten rid of by your body.
KATE: Magically?
SARAH: Well, by peeing
SARAH: You would pee out all the calories.
SARAH: Are people really this dumb?
SARAH: If we peed out everything we didn't need, NONE OF US WOULD BE FAT, DUMBSH**.
Sarah and the Massachusetts Dog Company
SARAH: Okay, there is some place called the "Massachusetts Dog Company."
SARAH: What sort of a place does that sound like to you?
KATE: A sewer?
SARAH: Right. Or a place where you would buy used dogs.
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Jack is a used dog. Used and ruined.
SARAH: RUINED. He is ruined for sure.
SARAH: But no, they are a place that has people that come to your house when you're out of town to walk your dog or whatever.
KATE: Wow. That's a terrible name for that company.
SARAH: I know, right?
SARAH: Continuing the weirdness:
SARAH: There's some community out in Long Island for old people
SARAH: and it's a "secure memory impairment neighborhood."
SARAH: And what the f*** is that about?
KATE: Well, that makes sense.
KATE: They built it so old gramps can't wander out into the world.
KATE: It's like a big cage for old people.
SARAH: In the ad is an old lady looking at a photo album
SARAH: and I thought, "She probably doesn't even know that's her grandkid."
SARAH: What sort of a place does that sound like to you?
KATE: A sewer?
SARAH: Right. Or a place where you would buy used dogs.
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Jack is a used dog. Used and ruined.
SARAH: RUINED. He is ruined for sure.
SARAH: But no, they are a place that has people that come to your house when you're out of town to walk your dog or whatever.
KATE: Wow. That's a terrible name for that company.
SARAH: I know, right?
SARAH: Continuing the weirdness:
SARAH: There's some community out in Long Island for old people
SARAH: and it's a "secure memory impairment neighborhood."
SARAH: And what the f*** is that about?
KATE: Well, that makes sense.
KATE: They built it so old gramps can't wander out into the world.
KATE: It's like a big cage for old people.
SARAH: In the ad is an old lady looking at a photo album
SARAH: and I thought, "She probably doesn't even know that's her grandkid."
WoW, She's Brutal
SARAH: Kate, loving sick people is just like laughing that your ex-boyfriend is still kinda fat and was in a wedding for people who met on WoW. Yeah. That's right. And someone posted pictures from the wedding using the people's WoW names instead of their real people names. The real people names you use when you are real people.
SARAH: If I ever start playing WoW (no, I don't know why either) and I meet some boy on there, do not let me meet him. Unless he's really good-looking and smart and not awkward and makes me laugh. Although good-looking people do not play WoW. Look at my ex-boyfriend. or BJ.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
KATE: Hey, it's better that they're marrying each other.
KATE: At least they're not in the dating pool.
SARAH: I suppose.
SARAH: No, they're not in the dating pool. They are in the WoW puddle.
SARAH: If I ever start playing WoW (no, I don't know why either) and I meet some boy on there, do not let me meet him. Unless he's really good-looking and smart and not awkward and makes me laugh. Although good-looking people do not play WoW. Look at my ex-boyfriend. or BJ.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
KATE: Hey, it's better that they're marrying each other.
KATE: At least they're not in the dating pool.
SARAH: I suppose.
SARAH: No, they're not in the dating pool. They are in the WoW puddle.
Ollie May Be a Demon But I Almost Feel Sorry for Him
Ollie didn't come home until 1 AM and so my mom gave him a talking to this morning and told him that he was not allowed to be out that late. I think she thinks this works. I tell her to talk to the cat for my own personal amusement.
When she talks to Ollie, she picks him up and sort of shakes him around and he is too busy looking for food. Because he's a fatass. Also, he ate his way into a bag of dog food last night.
When she talks to Ollie, she picks him up and sort of shakes him around and he is too busy looking for food. Because he's a fatass. Also, he ate his way into a bag of dog food last night.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sarah and the Hamburgers of Hatred
SARAH: So I'm thinking of all the things that we might be having for dinner tonight, and $5 says it's hot dogs and hamburgers, because that's the default food in my house. When my mom doesn't know what to make, that's what she makes. Not pasta. Not something logical. F***ing hotdogs and hamburgers.
SARAH: and it makes me SO MAD
SARAH: and for that reason, cookouts make me annoyed.
KATE: Why does it make you mad?
SARAH: Well, to make hot dogs and hamburgers, you have to go to the store and get rolls.
SARAH: like...if you're going GET SOMETHING TO EAT...
SARAH: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
KATE: I would just like you to know
KATE: That in my head what you're typing is being read by Lewis Black.
SARAH: YESSSSSSSSS
KATE: Lots of fist-waving.
SARAH: I don't think it's good for anyone to eat that much processed meat.
SARAH: But it doesn't bother anyone,
SARAH: except me.
SARAH: And I'm like F***ING GODDAMN HOTDOGS
SARAH: I DON'T WANT TO EAT THESE
SARAH: but...if I go out, I'll have a hamburger.
SARAH: I just don't want it to come from my house.
KATE: Those are the hamburgers of hatred.
SARAH: Okay, time to go home!
SARAH: Where there will hopefully not be hot dogs and hamburgers
SARAH: because otherwise, sh** is getting broken.
SARAH: and it makes me SO MAD
SARAH: and for that reason, cookouts make me annoyed.
KATE: Why does it make you mad?
SARAH: Well, to make hot dogs and hamburgers, you have to go to the store and get rolls.
SARAH: like...if you're going GET SOMETHING TO EAT...
SARAH: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
KATE: I would just like you to know
KATE: That in my head what you're typing is being read by Lewis Black.
SARAH: YESSSSSSSSS
KATE: Lots of fist-waving.
SARAH: I don't think it's good for anyone to eat that much processed meat.
SARAH: But it doesn't bother anyone,
SARAH: except me.
SARAH: And I'm like F***ING GODDAMN HOTDOGS
SARAH: I DON'T WANT TO EAT THESE
SARAH: but...if I go out, I'll have a hamburger.
SARAH: I just don't want it to come from my house.
KATE: Those are the hamburgers of hatred.
SARAH: Okay, time to go home!
SARAH: Where there will hopefully not be hot dogs and hamburgers
SARAH: because otherwise, sh** is getting broken.
Sarah in Desperate (and Not So Desperate) Times
ACHILLES: So you're saying I'm evil?
SARAH: Are you saying you're not?
ACHILLES: I asked first.
SARAH: If you eat babies, then yes, you're evil.
SARAH: Babies are for shaking, not for eating.
ACHILLES: Well, you said I ate babies.
SARAH: Because you said that I eat babies and we both know that's not true!
SARAH: Because I bet babies are like veal and I don't like veal.
KATE: The two of you together are bad news. Babies will die.
SARAH: I wouldn't eat my own baby! Jesus!
SARAH: Kate, I'm not a barbarian.
KATE: ha!
SARAH: I would only eat other people's babies.
KATE: Well, good.
SARAH: And only if they were really annoying and we were stuck on a desert island and there was no hope of rescue.
KATE: You'd do it for fun. Don't lie.
BEST OF SARAH POLL
I believe that Sarah would eat a baby.
1. Only in desperate circumstances
2. If it looked at her funny
3. Never
4. I believe she already has
SARAH: Are you saying you're not?
ACHILLES: I asked first.
SARAH: If you eat babies, then yes, you're evil.
SARAH: Babies are for shaking, not for eating.
ACHILLES: Well, you said I ate babies.
SARAH: Because you said that I eat babies and we both know that's not true!
SARAH: Because I bet babies are like veal and I don't like veal.
KATE: The two of you together are bad news. Babies will die.
SARAH: I wouldn't eat my own baby! Jesus!
SARAH: Kate, I'm not a barbarian.
KATE: ha!
SARAH: I would only eat other people's babies.
KATE: Well, good.
SARAH: And only if they were really annoying and we were stuck on a desert island and there was no hope of rescue.
KATE: You'd do it for fun. Don't lie.
BEST OF SARAH POLL
I believe that Sarah would eat a baby.
1. Only in desperate circumstances
2. If it looked at her funny
3. Never
4. I believe she already has
Sarah, The Nice Girl
SARAH: I have to be difficult with things? You only want complicated cupcakes?
ACHILLES: Yes. Sorry.
SARAH: I don't have to make you anything AT ALL.
SARAH: I CHOOSE to make you things because I'M A NICE GIRL.
SARAH: note to self: saying you are a nice girl in shouty tones does not make you a nice girl.
KATE: Oh, come on. If it's loud it must be true.
ACHILLES: Yes. Sorry.
SARAH: I don't have to make you anything AT ALL.
SARAH: I CHOOSE to make you things because I'M A NICE GIRL.
SARAH: note to self: saying you are a nice girl in shouty tones does not make you a nice girl.
KATE: Oh, come on. If it's loud it must be true.
Nerd Island? Yeah, We're There.
KATE: Can I be honest? I am still really f***ing proud of your Death Eater shirt. That was a labor of love.
SARAH: It's f***ing sweet.
KATE: Maybe you can wear it when we go to the premiere if you won't feel like a huge loser.
SARAH: Kate, we will be surrounded by losers.
KATE: HA!
KATE: TRUE.
KATE: I have to find my radish earrings.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Demon Cat's Keyboard Debut
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Daily/Colbert - Keyboard Cat | ||||
| ||||
Last night i showed my mom Keyboard Cat. She didn't understand why it was funny, but I showed it to her. Then, after she had thrown the slippers at Ollie, I picked him up and said "Keyboard Ollie!" and flung his paws around and hummed the song. She told me I had to stop because Ollie was going to get away again and he had to go to bed.
Sometimes I am truly convinced that I live in a sitcom. There's no way this is a real life we're living.
This is Turning Into The Best of Sarah Hating on BJ
KAREN: Soooo I am confused...I love reading your chats with "BJ" on "Best of Sarah"...but who is that!?!
SARAH: BJ is a friend of Kate’s that I’ve met once or twice. He’s pretty much like me…except pretentious. I just like to be mean to him because I can.
KAREN: Interesting. You are hilarious. =)
SARAH: I sometimes am, it’s true. Basically I’ve been taking my sore muscles and turning it into fresh hatred to spread around to everyone. Or just to BJ.
SARAH: BJ is a friend of Kate’s that I’ve met once or twice. He’s pretty much like me…except pretentious. I just like to be mean to him because I can.
KAREN: Interesting. You are hilarious. =)
SARAH: I sometimes am, it’s true. Basically I’ve been taking my sore muscles and turning it into fresh hatred to spread around to everyone. Or just to BJ.
Friday, May 29, 2009
All Class, All the Time
SARAH: I have to pee. Again.
SARAH: This makes me so mad.
KATE: You can't control it, just accept it. We pee a lot.
SARAH: Doesn't it bother you? Like, why am I peeing so much? I had a small iced coffee this morning, and a diet coke.
KATE: Well, both coffee and soda are diuretics.
KATE: They make you pee.
SARAH: YOU MAKE ME PEE
SARAH: This makes me so mad.
KATE: You can't control it, just accept it. We pee a lot.
SARAH: Doesn't it bother you? Like, why am I peeing so much? I had a small iced coffee this morning, and a diet coke.
KATE: Well, both coffee and soda are diuretics.
KATE: They make you pee.
SARAH: YOU MAKE ME PEE
I'll Take "Dysfunction" for $800, Alex.
SARAH: So there was a category on Jeopardy last night called "What's Wrong With Me?"
KATE: No way. That show is too good.
SARAH: Yes. And my mom was shouting at the TV.
KATE: That's what's wrong with her.
SARAH: Shouting?
KATE: I don't know, but if she was an answer that would be the question.
KATE: "This is what's wrong with Sarah's mom."
KATE: "What is shouting?"
SARAH: Maybe that can be our new game, coming up with Jeopardy answers and questions.
KATE: "This includes sleeping, sleeping, and having a pity party."
KATE: "What are Kate's plans for the day?"
KATE: That is correct!
SARAH: "This includes falling down, drinking too much and insulting people."
SARAH: "What is how we know that Sarah is Sarah?"
KATE: No way. That show is too good.
SARAH: Yes. And my mom was shouting at the TV.
KATE: That's what's wrong with her.
SARAH: Shouting?
KATE: I don't know, but if she was an answer that would be the question.
KATE: "This is what's wrong with Sarah's mom."
KATE: "What is shouting?"
SARAH: Maybe that can be our new game, coming up with Jeopardy answers and questions.
KATE: "This includes sleeping, sleeping, and having a pity party."
KATE: "What are Kate's plans for the day?"
KATE: That is correct!
SARAH: "This includes falling down, drinking too much and insulting people."
SARAH: "What is how we know that Sarah is Sarah?"
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming
So I was downstairs walking/running/dying on the treadmill and it was wicked hot, so I opened the basement door to let some cool air in. Ollie ran in the house and I couldn't keep an eye on him because HELLO, he's a f***ing cat and because I was dying. Then my dad came in, and then B2, and my dad started listening to music at like, 40 decibels because it was that kind of day, I guess. And the door was still open, so Ollie must have run back outside because you know, sometimes he thinks.
Then my mom came home and OMG WHERE IS HER BABY OMG OMG OMG I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SH***Y KIDS ANYMORE.
Then my mom came home and OMG WHERE IS HER BABY OMG OMG OMG I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SH***Y KIDS ANYMORE.
The Wedding Pool, Part III
BJ: IF KATE DIDN'T INDULGE YOU, YOU'D COME BY HER HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT DRUNK AND THROWING SHOES AND VODKA BOTTLES
SARAH: I am awesome and freaking sweet and you are none of those things. YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE CUPCAKES.
BJ: Why bother? Other people make them for me!
SARAH: Yeah...not anymore.
BJ: Kate will still make me cupcakes, and I will tend fainting goats.
BJ: and you WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
BJ: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES AND NO GOATS FOR YOU SARAH
later.
SARAH: BJ, we both know that if we got into a fight, I would win. Because I eat meat.
SARAH: and that makes me stronger and better.
BJ: It makes you neither of those things. Plus, you're also a lush. And that makes me faster.
SARAH: I wasn't the one drunk on whiskey, okay?
BJ: And still I bested you.
SARAH: On what? What did you do?
BJ: Awesomeness. Yeah, I bested you real hard in the "Awesomeness" category.
BJ: Despite being drunk on whiskey.
SARAH: You know what? We need to assemble a panel of judges, and let them decide
SARAH: who is more awesomer.
BJ: They will name me.
BJ: Or we can just bug Kate about it. That'll be pretty good for a laugh.
BJ: But after lunch. I have to go eat now. Can't be this awesome without food.
SARAH: Yeah. Your weak little sad person food.
BJ: My awesome food. You shut up.
SARAH: I am awesome and freaking sweet and you are none of those things. YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE CUPCAKES.
BJ: Why bother? Other people make them for me!
SARAH: Yeah...not anymore.
BJ: Kate will still make me cupcakes, and I will tend fainting goats.
BJ: and you WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
BJ: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES AND NO GOATS FOR YOU SARAH
later.
SARAH: BJ, we both know that if we got into a fight, I would win. Because I eat meat.
SARAH: and that makes me stronger and better.
BJ: It makes you neither of those things. Plus, you're also a lush. And that makes me faster.
SARAH: I wasn't the one drunk on whiskey, okay?
BJ: And still I bested you.
SARAH: On what? What did you do?
BJ: Awesomeness. Yeah, I bested you real hard in the "Awesomeness" category.
BJ: Despite being drunk on whiskey.
SARAH: You know what? We need to assemble a panel of judges, and let them decide
SARAH: who is more awesomer.
BJ: They will name me.
BJ: Or we can just bug Kate about it. That'll be pretty good for a laugh.
BJ: But after lunch. I have to go eat now. Can't be this awesome without food.
SARAH: Yeah. Your weak little sad person food.
BJ: My awesome food. You shut up.
Aside: The Aftershocks of Sarah
BJ: KATE
KATE: Yes?
BJ: KAAAAAAAAAAATE. SARAH IS BEING MEAN TO ME ABOUT MY HAIR
KATE: This is between y'all. But that's not very nice. Did you insult her hair?
BJ: NO
KATE:Maybe you should.
minutes pass
BJ: Now she's saying you don't care about me. TELL HER YOU CARE, KATE. TELL HER!
KATE: I AM NOT INVOLVED. NOT. INVOLVED
KATE:But I will turn this Internet right around if you guys don't work it out.
BJ:This is going to be like Highlander.
KATE: I definitely believe that.
BJ: And Sarah is The Kurgan and will follow me through time wearing bad shoes and raping women.
BJ: until I kill her.
KATE: Probably.
KATE: Yes?
BJ: KAAAAAAAAAAATE. SARAH IS BEING MEAN TO ME ABOUT MY HAIR
KATE: This is between y'all. But that's not very nice. Did you insult her hair?
BJ: NO
KATE:Maybe you should.
minutes pass
BJ: Now she's saying you don't care about me. TELL HER YOU CARE, KATE. TELL HER!
KATE: I AM NOT INVOLVED. NOT. INVOLVED
KATE:But I will turn this Internet right around if you guys don't work it out.
BJ:This is going to be like Highlander.
KATE: I definitely believe that.
BJ: And Sarah is The Kurgan and will follow me through time wearing bad shoes and raping women.
BJ: until I kill her.
KATE: Probably.
The Wedding Pool, Part II (We Start to Notice a Trend)
BJ: Ain't nothing wrong with my haircut.
SARAH: Suuuuuuuuuuuure.
BJ: I HAVE TO GO WORK FOR A MINUTE BUT KATE SAYS YOU ARE MEAN AND THAT YOUR HAIR IS UGLY
SARAH: Well, I know that she didn't. Because she and I are hetero lifemates and you're just a stupidface. With stupid hair.
BJ: SUCK IT, NERD
SARAH: I think we both know I'm not a nerd. I don't play WoW.
SARAH: and I don't work on computers
SARAH: and most importantly, I'M NOT YOU.
BJ: WHICH IS WHY YOU AREN'T AWESOME
SARAH: Is there a Best of BJ blog? Well, there probably is, but it's about blowjobs.
BJ: haha
SARAH: but NO, you don't have a best of BJ blog because YOU ARE NOT AWESOME.
BJ: NO, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T SHARE ALL OF MY INANE RAGE WITH KATE.
BJ: I AM BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, AND I'M SURE KATE HAS THINGS SHE'D RATHER DO
SARAH: Because Kate doesn't care about you and your silly hipster rage.
SARAH: Suuuuuuuuuuuure.
BJ: I HAVE TO GO WORK FOR A MINUTE BUT KATE SAYS YOU ARE MEAN AND THAT YOUR HAIR IS UGLY
SARAH: Well, I know that she didn't. Because she and I are hetero lifemates and you're just a stupidface. With stupid hair.
BJ: SUCK IT, NERD
SARAH: I think we both know I'm not a nerd. I don't play WoW.
SARAH: and I don't work on computers
SARAH: and most importantly, I'M NOT YOU.
BJ: WHICH IS WHY YOU AREN'T AWESOME
SARAH: Is there a Best of BJ blog? Well, there probably is, but it's about blowjobs.
BJ: haha
SARAH: but NO, you don't have a best of BJ blog because YOU ARE NOT AWESOME.
BJ: NO, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T SHARE ALL OF MY INANE RAGE WITH KATE.
BJ: I AM BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, AND I'M SURE KATE HAS THINGS SHE'D RATHER DO
SARAH: Because Kate doesn't care about you and your silly hipster rage.
Now Taking Wagers for the Wedding Pool, Part I
BJ: Everything you do on the internet fills me with dread. Also, I am not FAILMEATS. 'Cause I don't know what the hell that is.
BJ: Unless that means "Awesome." In that case, I am.
SARAH: Yu are the meats of fail. *you
BJ: Hahahaha! Something about shoddy spelling turns your TERRIBLE AND EVIL SLANDER into comedy gold!
SARAH: Kind of like your face every day. And your haircut.
BJ: HOLD ON I'M WORKING GOD
SARAH: NO I WILL NOT HOLD ON. YOU ARE FAIL, BJ.
SARAH: ABSOLUTE FAIL ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY.
BJ: Unless that means "Awesome." In that case, I am.
SARAH: Yu are the meats of fail. *you
BJ: Hahahaha! Something about shoddy spelling turns your TERRIBLE AND EVIL SLANDER into comedy gold!
SARAH: Kind of like your face every day. And your haircut.
BJ: HOLD ON I'M WORKING GOD
SARAH: NO I WILL NOT HOLD ON. YOU ARE FAIL, BJ.
SARAH: ABSOLUTE FAIL ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
He's Not Even Here to Defend Himself.
Kate, you are not full of fail because last night you made AMAZING strawberry shortcake and had drunk pasta and had fun with your friends.
But the most important reason that you are not full of fail is because you are NOT BJ. He doesn't even get invited to meetings at his own office! You get invited to meetings and they tell you they love your mad cupcake skillz.
What sort of skills does BJ have? Aside from sucking skills.
(He is full of fail. About life.)
But the most important reason that you are not full of fail is because you are NOT BJ. He doesn't even get invited to meetings at his own office! You get invited to meetings and they tell you they love your mad cupcake skillz.
What sort of skills does BJ have? Aside from sucking skills.
(He is full of fail. About life.)
All the Single Ladies
KATE: I can't stop proofreading.
SARAH: You should see someone about that.
KATE: I really should.
KATE: Okay, got an e-mail from Netflix, Kung Fu Panda is coming.
SARAH: Wheeeeeeeeee!
SARAH: Kate, I am shocked we are single.
SARAH: You should see someone about that.
KATE: I really should.
KATE: Okay, got an e-mail from Netflix, Kung Fu Panda is coming.
SARAH: Wheeeeeeeeee!
SARAH: Kate, I am shocked we are single.
Pooooooor BJ.
SARAH: NO, BJ. YOU IZ FAILMEATS.
KATE: HA. That is just wonderful.
SARAH: Damn it, he's not on google talk, otherwise I would call him that to his face.
KATE: Well, to his google.
KATE: HA. That is just wonderful.
SARAH: Damn it, he's not on google talk, otherwise I would call him that to his face.
KATE: Well, to his google.
Sarah Just Does Not Learn
Previously, on Best of Sarah, we learned that Sarah will blindly take anything anyone hands her.
Today:
SARAH: My coworker gave me almonds to eat before my training session. She is so helpful.
KATE: That was nice.
SARAH: She said "HERE, EAT THESE," and so I did.
KATE: And you didn't even ask what they were.
SARAH: No, because i KNEW they were almonds.
SARAH: And even if I didn't...I would have eaten them anyway.
KATE: Now we get to the truth.
Today:
SARAH: My coworker gave me almonds to eat before my training session. She is so helpful.
KATE: That was nice.
SARAH: She said "HERE, EAT THESE," and so I did.
KATE: And you didn't even ask what they were.
SARAH: No, because i KNEW they were almonds.
SARAH: And even if I didn't...I would have eaten them anyway.
KATE: Now we get to the truth.
Right in the Love Hole
SARAH: Jesus Christ, Bossy is cruising for a bruising. She's getting a punch in her face hole, and I 'm going to mean it.
KATE: Face hole, eh?
SARAH: Kind of like a love hole, but your face.
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: And you don't get punched in the love hole...unless you're dating Achilles, he decided it would be a good idea to headbutt his girlfriend. In the love hole.
SARAH: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Why do you let me speak? WHY?
KATE: Do you really think I could stop you?
KATE: Face hole, eh?
SARAH: Kind of like a love hole, but your face.
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: And you don't get punched in the love hole...unless you're dating Achilles, he decided it would be a good idea to headbutt his girlfriend. In the love hole.
SARAH: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Why do you let me speak? WHY?
KATE: Do you really think I could stop you?
Not Exactly Material Girls
KATE: I wish I was better-dressed and had more style, but it is SO not a priority.
SARAH: And I wish I wasn't a fatty, but we all can't have what we want.
KATE: Who's the best-dressed person you know?
SARAH: My cousin. She's always very well put together. She can wear white things and not spill on them.
KATE: Wow.
SARAH: I like how that's how we know she's fancy.
SARAH: And I wish I wasn't a fatty, but we all can't have what we want.
KATE: Who's the best-dressed person you know?
SARAH: My cousin. She's always very well put together. She can wear white things and not spill on them.
KATE: Wow.
SARAH: I like how that's how we know she's fancy.
How Many Tacos?
SARAH: OMG. THERE IS A COOKBOOK ALL ABOUT TACOS.
KATE: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? That's a buttload of tacos!
SARAH: AND? Do you know what it's called?
KATE: Buttload of Tacos?
SARAH: TACOS. It is called Tacos. Which is very to the point. You don't have to wonder what the cookbook is about. The title tells you.
SARAH: "TACOS!" it screams from the shelves.
SARAH: Or maybe you're in a library. and then it would just whisper, "tacos!"
KATE: You are really punchy.
SARAH: It's only 2:15 and I am not even close to being done with my nonsense.
KATE: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? That's a buttload of tacos!
SARAH: AND? Do you know what it's called?
KATE: Buttload of Tacos?
SARAH: TACOS. It is called Tacos. Which is very to the point. You don't have to wonder what the cookbook is about. The title tells you.
SARAH: "TACOS!" it screams from the shelves.
SARAH: Or maybe you're in a library. and then it would just whisper, "tacos!"
KATE: You are really punchy.
SARAH: It's only 2:15 and I am not even close to being done with my nonsense.
Tuesday Really Was a Banner Day
SARAH: I just told my coworker I was going to tell the government that she texts while she drives.
SARAH: I don't know what that means either, really.
KATE: I am so glad I know you.
SARAH: Why, so I won't tell the government on you?
KATE: No, because you're ridiculous.
SARAH: I don't know what that means either, really.
KATE: I am so glad I know you.
SARAH: Why, so I won't tell the government on you?
KATE: No, because you're ridiculous.
Sarah and the Sweet Nothings
SARAH: Achilles' nephew is 14 and probably having sex.
KATE: Ew.
SARAH: and since I'm well...me...I asked Achilles, "How do you feel that you're twice as old as him and he's getting more ass?"
KATE: You didn't.
SARAH: I did. Because I am Satan or something.
KATE: That's the only reason I can come up with.
KATE: Ew.
SARAH: and since I'm well...me...I asked Achilles, "How do you feel that you're twice as old as him and he's getting more ass?"
KATE: You didn't.
SARAH: I did. Because I am Satan or something.
KATE: That's the only reason I can come up with.
Sarah and the Disclaimer
SARAH: I should tattoo a disclaimer on my forehead: "WARNING: I AM GOING TO OFFEND YOU. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. SOMETIMES I'M KIND OF HEARTLESS. YOU BETTER LEARN TO LIKE IT OR JUST WALK AWAY, ASSHOLE."
SARAH: I should punch them when they are done reading, for good measure.
KATE: Agreed. You can't be too careful.
SARAH: Hey, when people interact with me, those are the chances they take. You might hit them with a shovel, but I will break down their self esteem, and then say "HAHAHAH, I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S WHY I'M MEAN TO YOU! Now get in this bag so I can get rid of you."
SARAH: I should punch them when they are done reading, for good measure.
KATE: Agreed. You can't be too careful.
SARAH: Hey, when people interact with me, those are the chances they take. You might hit them with a shovel, but I will break down their self esteem, and then say "HAHAHAH, I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S WHY I'M MEAN TO YOU! Now get in this bag so I can get rid of you."
Nom Nom...Ugh.
KATE: I was thinking, I should make Vacation Cupcakes next.
SARAH: Vacation cupcakes?
KATE: Yeah, I call them that because it's like a vacation in your mouth.
SARAH: uhh...what does a vacation taste like? sunburn and pina coladas?
SARAH: Ew and peeling skin is the aftertaste.
KATE: oh GROSS. Thanks.
SARAH: Like you would expect any less from me.
SARAH: Vacation cupcakes?
KATE: Yeah, I call them that because it's like a vacation in your mouth.
SARAH: uhh...what does a vacation taste like? sunburn and pina coladas?
SARAH: Ew and peeling skin is the aftertaste.
KATE: oh GROSS. Thanks.
SARAH: Like you would expect any less from me.
More Fun with Demon Cats
SARAH: The Japanese are like professional cat torturers. Look at this.
KATE: OMG. I like this one already.
SARAH: Oh, OOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLIE? Where did you goooooooooooo? I have some fun for youuuuuuuuuuu!
Gettin' Murdery
SARAH: I will like you, even if you go on a murderous rampage. And I'll let you go on that rampage because THAT'S WHAT A GOOD FRIEND DOES, LETS THEIR FRIEND KILL PEOPLE THAT BOTHER THEM.
I do like the idea of you going "I WILL MURDERY EVERYONE" and me being like "Here, let me sharpen this knife and give you a gun and a shiv and you know what? Here's a hand grenade for good measure and some poison something or other in a cupcake. I know they look good and tasty, but they are filled with death...so don't eat them."
KATE: Oh man, I got so excited when I read that because instead of a shank I thought you were giving me a shark. And while all those other weapons are great, how awesome would it be to arm someone with a shark?
Totally awesome, that's how awesome.
I do like the idea of you going "I WILL MURDERY EVERYONE" and me being like "Here, let me sharpen this knife and give you a gun and a shiv and you know what? Here's a hand grenade for good measure and some poison something or other in a cupcake. I know they look good and tasty, but they are filled with death...so don't eat them."
KATE: Oh man, I got so excited when I read that because instead of a shank I thought you were giving me a shark. And while all those other weapons are great, how awesome would it be to arm someone with a shark?
Totally awesome, that's how awesome.
The Continued Adventures of Demon Cat
When I got home last night from babysitting, it was shouty o'clock. It hasn't been that time at my house in a while. B2 went on the hunt for my mom's car keys so he went into the garage to look. He said that when he got there, Ollie was rolling around on the top of my mom's car like he was in a playpen. It made me laugh a whole lot.
Oh, and this morning? The cat was eating corn on the cob. No, I don't know why either.
Oh, and this morning? The cat was eating corn on the cob. No, I don't know why either.
After a Long Weekend
BStP: What is your picture??
SARAH: It's a guy in a butterfly costume.
BStP: ...AND???
SARAH: And what?
SARAH: Here. Go here. It's the guy on the right. He's an evil henchman.
BStP: If I lend you $5.00, will you go out and put a deposit down on A LIFE?!?!?
SARAH: I think they cost more than $5.
BStP: Not mine! Of course, I bought mine used...
SARAH: Ewww...I hope you washed it first.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Sarah and the Days of the Week
SARAH: Oh, woe is Achilles. He gets sick and he's so sad. But I want to tell him to grow a pair.
SARAH: But then we'll talk about balls.
KATE: Oh, man, you're right.
SARAH: And I'm not ready for ball talk.
KATE: No.
SARAH: It's not Talk Testicles Tuesday!
SARAH: It's For F***'s Sake Friday.
SARAH: But then we'll talk about balls.
KATE: Oh, man, you're right.
SARAH: And I'm not ready for ball talk.
KATE: No.
SARAH: It's not Talk Testicles Tuesday!
SARAH: It's For F***'s Sake Friday.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It's Important to Have Standards
KATE: Oh man, I'm psyched for this dinner tonight, it will be most excellent.
SARAH: As long as Vinny doesn't try to, you know, put roofies in your pasta.
KATE: Well, I'm counting on you to help me keep watch.
KATE: Besides, if so I'd just give it to you, since we know you'll take anything.
SARAH: Hey now! Not from Vinny!
KATE: Ha!
SARAH: Even I have roofie standards.
SARAH: As long as Vinny doesn't try to, you know, put roofies in your pasta.
KATE: Well, I'm counting on you to help me keep watch.
KATE: Besides, if so I'd just give it to you, since we know you'll take anything.
SARAH: Hey now! Not from Vinny!
KATE: Ha!
SARAH: Even I have roofie standards.
Introducing: Tragic Nikki
KATE: Awww. Tragic Nikki is so sweet.
SARAH: She might have been misguided, but her heart is in the right place.
KATE: Exactly.
SARAH: And whenever I think of when you told me that Tragic Nikki wanted a baby and you said "SHOVEL, NIKKI. SHOVEL," I laugh a lot.
KATE: I don't even remember what that means. What did it mean? Did I threaten to hit a pregnant woman with a shovel?
SARAH: I think you were going to hit her with it.
KATE: Wow. She really brought out the best in me.
SARAH: Some people have it coming.
SARAH: She might have been misguided, but her heart is in the right place.
KATE: Exactly.
SARAH: And whenever I think of when you told me that Tragic Nikki wanted a baby and you said "SHOVEL, NIKKI. SHOVEL," I laugh a lot.
KATE: I don't even remember what that means. What did it mean? Did I threaten to hit a pregnant woman with a shovel?
SARAH: I think you were going to hit her with it.
KATE: Wow. She really brought out the best in me.
SARAH: Some people have it coming.
More Wisdom Lost to the Ages
SARAH: If you were trying to get me to sleep with you and you said what you just said
SARAH: I would totally do you.
KATE: Thank you. I don't know why, but that's heartwarming.
SARAH: I would totally do you.
KATE: Thank you. I don't know why, but that's heartwarming.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Max Jr.
SARAH: Talking to me is kind of like talking to a hysterical old person. You never know what offensive mean thing I will say next.
KATE: It's so true. You are The Max Jr.
SARAH: Except I don't pee. I mean, I do, but not myself.
KATE: Good. Keep it that way.
SARAH: I will do my best.
SARAH: "What are you doing today?"
SARAH: "Not peeing myself, that's for damn sure."
KATE: It's so true. You are The Max Jr.
SARAH: Except I don't pee. I mean, I do, but not myself.
KATE: Good. Keep it that way.
SARAH: I will do my best.
SARAH: "What are you doing today?"
SARAH: "Not peeing myself, that's for damn sure."
Dunder-Dunder-Dunder-Dunder-Dunder
SARAH: Well, I'm only going to work myself up into a frenzy, like a shark about chum.
SARAH: And what happens then?
SARAH: Some man in a cage loses his arm.
KATE: We can only hope.
SARAH: Maybe he'll get maimed!
KATE: Going. To. Hell.
KATE: We. Are.
SARAH: Thanks, Yoda.
SARAH: And what happens then?
SARAH: Some man in a cage loses his arm.
KATE: We can only hope.
SARAH: Maybe he'll get maimed!
KATE: Going. To. Hell.
KATE: We. Are.
SARAH: Thanks, Yoda.
Apropos of Nothing
SARAH: Do you know what I feel hasn't been happening a lot lately?
KATE: What?
SARAH: Kidnappings.
KATE: What?
SARAH: Kidnappings.
Life Lessons
Okay, so last year at bocce, my aunt and I started what we called "life lessons."
Okay, well, the first life lesson is "be aware of the balls around you," which is a bocce lesson and a life lesson, really. I mean, balls: watch out.
The second life lesson was "if it tastes bad, spit it out."
Okay, well, the first life lesson is "be aware of the balls around you," which is a bocce lesson and a life lesson, really. I mean, balls: watch out.
The second life lesson was "if it tastes bad, spit it out."
The Lie in the Way Way
SARAH: I was trying to leave and Jack was in the lie in the way way and I had to get out of my car and TELL HIM TO MOVE beause I was in the car and driving and that didn't seem to matter, because HELLO he had things to do in the driveway. Like get run over, I guess.
KATE: Yeah. He has priorities. 1. Get run over
SARAH: Maybe he wants his elephant-man head to be even on both sides.
KATE: 2. Get run over again
SARAH: 3. eat the cat 4. walks
SARAH: 5. bark at you until you throw the ball GOD***N IT
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