The International Economy is Not Prepared for Us

KATE: I'm going to buy you a present.
KATE: It's a pile of string.
KATE: Etsy is such a disaster sometimes.
SARAH: We should have an Etsy shop!
SARAH: We’d have to get some sort of video of us doing our singing and dancing and you know, jigging routine to prove that yes, the Unicorn Juice works wonders.
SARAH: And can help you sing and dance and jig.
SARAH: We should get B1 to pitch it. He would do a good job. 
SARAH: I mean, in case they don’t believe that it’s a miracle.
SARAH: Also, we’d have to hit the other people with sticks and when they hurt, we’d give them some Unicorn Juice. 
SARAH: That way, they would know that it’s real Unicorn Juice and not imitation Unicorn Juice.
KATE: Yes. Genius. Genius on all counts.

Snake Oil is for Amateurs

KATE: I'm having an awful day.
KATE: And I'm covered in hives.
STARSHINE: Drink some water!
SARAH: Starshine knows what’s up. 
SARAH: And that is: drink all the water and then you can cure all your pains.
SARAH: We should sell bottled water as a miracle cure. 
SARAH: I bet it would work, too. We could be traveling medicine ladies and we could both tell everyone how water has fixed us. 
SARAH: Well, maybe you shouldn’t talk now because you have hives. 
SARAH: But I could say that water healed me.
KATE: Genius. It can be the Starshine-Sarah-Kate traveling medicine show.
KATE: With a soundtrack by the Full-Out Criers.
SARAH: We are going to make like, a million dollars.
SARAH: Can we travel around in a wagon with panels that come down when you pull on a rope? I feel that is only appropriate.
KATE: Absolutely. And we need top hats, and sticks, because you can't have a medicine show without gesturing and hitting things with your walking stick.
KATE: What'll we call it?
SARAH: I don’t know. We will figure it out. We need to make a website like, stat.
SARAH: And maybe if we’re REALLY good, we can have an infomercial where I can just say “BUY THIS MIRACLE WATER IT WILL CURE EVERYTHING INCLUDING PREGNANCY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK”
SARAH: Hmm…what should we call the magical miracle water?
KATE: Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: YES ABSOLUTELY YES
KATE: Unicorn Juice. Coming soon to a fairground and/or Target parking lot near you.

Hope You Got a Gift Receipt, or, Kate Doesn't Like Whales

KATE: Proofing a stupid brochure about humpback whales.
KATE: Stupid whales.
SARAH: Does everyone get one?
SARAH: Because I think they all should.
KATE: EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE!
KATE: And I'm so returning mine.
SARAH: Dude, maybe you could ride it places.
SARAH: Like you could ride it to London.
SARAH: Or maybe just outside of London.
SARAH: All you have to do is train the whale.
KATE: No. You know what I can ride to London? An airplane.
KATE: I am exchanging my whale for an airplane, bcause whales are just awful.
KATE: And airplanes, well, they're not great, but they're not too bad.
KATE: Though it would be pretty bad-ass to show up in Europe on the back of a whale.
KATE: No. Can't do it. They suck.
SARAH: But it would be so much cheaper to take the whale.
SARAH: All you would need is a wetsuit. And some sort of whale saddle.
KATE: No. N.O. I'm not doing it. I don't care.
KATE: I will save up and get a plane ticket and leave my whale in the garage.
SARAH: I don’t think the whale will fit in your garage.
SARAH: Unless you have an ocean in there.
SARAH: And if you do, that’s kind of amazing and you should probably tell someone about that.
SARAH: Also, I didn’t even know you HAD a garage.
SARAH: Thirdly – Hagrid’s buttcrack.

I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Monsters, Inc.

SARAH: Anne Boleyn was so badass. Think about it – she got the man that she wanted (granted, she stole him from another woman, which I cannot approve of) but she got him to marry her because she refused to be a mistress.
SARAH: SHE REFUSED THE KING.
SARAH: She was smart and funny and very charming and everyone loved her.
SARAH: And then she got her head chopped off.
SARAH: Which is sort of a bummer.
KATE: Look at the bright side--before Henry got sick of her she managed to come up with Elizabeth, who is the awesomest lady ever.
SARAH: That’s right! She did create Elizabeth, who is a frosty ice princess and our fearless leader.
SARAH: Also, can I just say that NOT being a frosty ice princess is like the easiest thing ever.
SARAH: Like, not forcing someone to talk to me by not talking to them makes far more sense than shooting lasers at them with my eyeballs to make them talk to me.
SARAH: And I know you know what I’m talking about.
SARAH: We’re both Make Love to Me Monsters. We understand.
SARAH: I haven’t been the Make Love to Me Monster in so long.
SARAH: I have been the FUCKING FEED ME NOW Monster like every day since forever.
SARAH: Which is why I don’t fit into my pants.

On Second Thought, Stop Thinking.

SARAH: I love that we exist.
SARAH: Think of how sad the world would be if you and I weren’t big nerds and didn’t work at B&N and wear the same sweater one day. Think about it.
SARAH: Actually, don’t. It might make you throw yourself off a building because it’s such a sad thought.

We'll Get Together Then, Bun

KATE: Look at this.
SARAH: Why would you want to convince someone that you’ve given birth to rabbits?
SARAH: And why would a rabbit give you a miscarriage?
KATE: I bet if I got pregnant it would be with rabbits.
KATE: I was saying something the other night about how tired I was and Dublin said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" and I said, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"
KATE: But pregnant with rabbits. Now THAT would be a miracle.
SARAH: EW EW SHE PUT A CAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING EVER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
SARAH: It’s a Thanksgiving miracle – Kate has a bun in the oven!
SARAH: A rabbit bun. But still a bun.
KATE: Just decided. "A Bunny in the Oven" is the name of the Full-Out Criers' first album.
SARAH: Bunny in the oven. I love it. I’m so going to ask people if they have bunnies in the oven now.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: No, srsly. If at any point, I decide I should put a DEAD ANIMAL in any part of my body that is not my mouth, you need to stop me.
SARAH: I don’t even think I have to say this because it sounds like common sense, but it needs to be said to some people.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: GROSS. ICK AND GROSS.
SARAH: EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Classy ladies, you and I.
SARAH: No wonder I have a date tonight – I’m talking about putting cats in cooters.
SARAH: And the cat’s in the cooter at the silver spoon!
SARAH: Little boy blue and the man in the moon!

The Sound of One Hand Clapping You Upside the Head

SARAH: That website is like stealing Best of Sarah! Those bitches!
KATE: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody could ever steal BoS, because the key element of BoS is...Sarah. It's you.
KATE: Without you there would be no site. It would be Best of.
KATE: Best of What? Best of NOTHING.
KATE: So.
SARAH: Best of nothing is not something anyone would want to read.
SARAH: Because nothing is nothing.
SARAH: Take that, existentialism!

The Office Awkwardness Continues

SARAH: Looking for things to do.
SARAH: Talking about Coworker K with food. That’s all I’ve been able to do.
SARAH: Talking about food. Loving talking about food.
KATE: You're probably talking about food with Coworker K. Not the other way around.
KATE: But I could be wrong.
SARAH: Nope – talking with food about Coworker K.
SARAH: It’s getting weird because I know that Coworker K can hear me and the food doesn’t care.

The Meaning of Meaning

SARAH: We are the most thrilling girls that I know.
SARAH: Totally and absolutely.
SARAH: OMG ALMOST POPCORN TIME DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!?!?!
SARAH: Its almost popcorn time. That’s what it means.

Billy Idol is a Liar

There has been a serious lack of dance parties in my life since you’re not around. I should start them up again, but dancing with yourself really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I'd Say That's Awkward.

SARAH: Things that are awkward: listening to Boss Lady argue with her husband about how he should stop smoking.
SARAH: She keeps on whisper-shouting, “I HAD COMPASSION FOR YOU BEFORE”
SARAH: Awkward turtle.
SARAH: She just hung up on him.
SARAH: Man, I am not jealous to not live in that house.

Sarah Solves Office Supply Problems

KATE: I'm using a red fine-point sharpie to edit...and it's all slimy.
KATE: Like my Crayola markers were all slimy this summer.
KATE: WTF MARKERS ARE YOU SNAILS?
SARAH: Pour salt on them and see what happens.

Not Even Once.

SARAH: I’m seeing the lady pocket doctor on Thursday and we have a lot to discuss.
KATE: Hey! You can say, "OMG GUESS WHAT I HAD SEX LIKE FOUR JILLION TIMES."
KATE: And that'll be cool.
KATE: Right? Right.
SARAH: I don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I had sex 4 jillion times.
SARAH: Wait. Who am I kidding? Yes I am.
SARAH: I will proudly tell her that.
SARAH: Followed by “AND I DIDN’T GET KNOCKED UP ONCE. THERE’S NO BUN IN THIS OVEN!”
SARAH: I feel like I should have a pin that says that or something.

I Also Have a Doctorate in Buttcracks.

SARAH: Thanks, MSN.
SARAH: It's ball science.
KATE: I'm not sure what it says about me, but you are not the first one of my friends to send me this.
SARAH: Apparently we know you have a thing for ball science.
SARAH: Weirdo.
KATE: I do not have a thing for "ball science," thank you very much.
KATE: I have a thing for science in general.
KATE: It's not my fault you people fixate on balls.
SARAH: It’s totes ball science.
SARAH: My Friend Kate, Ball Scientist.
SARAH: That has a nice ring to it

Heathen, Heal Thyself!

KATE: Feeling pukey.
KATE: Surprised? Nope.
KATE: Just pukey.
KATE: Totes just broke a nail by putting my hand on the desk. Gently.
KATE: Not gently enough, apparently.
SARAH: You’re a mess over there.
SARAH: Could you please settle down?
KATE: No, I cannot settle down.
KATE: I am just going to keep disintegrating until I fall apart completely.
KATE: So there.
SARAH: You need to learn to settle down before your arms fall off. Then what will you do?
SARAH: You’ll have to wear a helmet with a pencil attached just so you can type.
SARAH: You cannot be a copywriter without arms.
SARAH: I’m pretty sure that’s a rule or something.
KATE: You and your rules.
KATE: Damn the man. I don't need arms.
KATE: I may, however, need to eat something, since clearly I have lost my damn mind.
SARAH: They aren’t my rules. They are society’s rules.
SARAH: Maybe you should drink some water.

She Tries.

SARAH: Did you see this?
SARAH: DON’T LET THE CHILDREN USE THE INTERNET.
SARAH: DON’T LET THEM USE THE CELLULAR PHONES.
SARAH: I try to find reasons to want to have kids, but every article that I read on the internet tells me that they are going to be evil, sexually active drugged out heathens.
SARAH: And that’s by the age of 2.
SARAH: So you know, internet, you’re making me think I don’t want kids.

She Works Hard for It, Honey

SARAH: Actual words that I said to NewGuy on Sunday:
SARAH: “Please make sure your brother knows that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: I’m only here at night and he never sees me.
SARAH: I’m not a hooker. Tell him that.”
KATE: I think that's very smart of you. I hope he tells him that.
KATE: I mean, NewGuy seems like a cool guy.
KATE: I don't think he'd need a hooker, let alone one on a weekly schedule, but you never know.
SARAH: No, he doesn’t need a hooker.
SARAH: Also, I’m so not getting paid for this, so I’m going to have to start charging him.
SARAH: Also, I don’t want to be a hooker. I really don’t.
KATE: Don't be a hooker.
KATE: Can I put this on Best of Sarah?
SARAH: I almost want to brag to all the Best of Sarah readers that I am having the sexytimes.
SARAH: Because it’s that important.
SARAH: So sure. Tell the readers that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: Just in case they wondered.
SARAH: Sarah – So Totes Not a Hooker.
SARAH: Hookers don’t have families.
SARAH: We both know that I have a family.
SARAH: Therefore, I can never be a hooker.

Sarah Experiences Late Afternoon Malaise

SARAH: How is it not go-home time?
SARAH: How is this possible?
SARAH: Time is doing that standing-still bullshit and I have THINGS TO DO THAT ARE NOT HERE.
SARAH: Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t have anything to do.
SARAH: I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Editor's Note: Corporate Underwriting

I'm beginning to think we could get Absolut to sponsor this blog.

Blame Canada, Part III

KATE: I think you need to listen to some Dethklok tonight.
KATE: After all, there is a murder train a'comin'.
KATE: To Canada.
SARAH: The murder train is a’comin on the end of my fist.
SARAH: That’s right. I have murdertrains at the ends of my arms.
KATE: That's impressive but sounds a bit cumbersome.
KATE: Are they retractable?
SARAH: Only when I’m pleased.
SARAH: Which means it’s all murder trains, all the time.

Blame Canada, Part II

SARAH: I will tell you what my issue is.
SARAH: We have 3 programs (let’s call them programs A, B and C) that have been cancelled.
SARAH: So we sent out an email and it says, ‘Hey you damn Canadians, programs A, B, and C have been cancelled. Get rid of the materials. We aren’t doing that shiz.”
SARAH: So Canadian Archnemesis emails me and is all like, “What about program K? What about program R?”
SARAH: And I want to say WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SARAH: YOU TELL ME IF YOU THINK THAT THEY ARE CANCELLED EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T MENTION THOSE.
KATE: It's ok. It's Friday, it's 3pm, and your week is almost over, and then you will haz Mexican foods and kissyfaces.
KATE: And vodka!
SARAH: I don’t haz Mexican or kissy faces until tomorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooow.
KATE: Sarah, I don't haz Mexican or kissyfaces EVER. So shut up.
KATE: You can wait 24 hours.
SARAH: 24 hours is a long-ass time and you know it.
SARAH: Especially when you’re going to explode from HATRED.

Blame Canada, Part I

SARAH: Canadians gon’ get shanked.
SARAH: Kill me. Just kill me.
KATE: Don't let the Canadians get you down.
KATE: You're the Vodka Queen!
SARAH: The Canadians are getting me down. They send me snotty emails.
SARAH: And by they, I mean only one dude.
SARAH: He is my archnemesis for a reason.
SARAH: You better believe I’m going to drink my face off tonight.

Morning Has Broken

SARAH: At the Starbucks. There is a guy here wearing Ugg boots.
SARAH: I don't know why I'm surprised
SARAH: It's not even hip. It's just fucking weird.
SARAH: Wear real shoes, asshole.
SARAH: Find your shoes and wear boots like a man.
KATE: Maybe his balls went to Nashville too.
SARAH: Is that the ball capital of the United States?
KATE: It just might be.
SARAH: I don't want to go there anymore.

I Don't Think You're Ready for This

KATE: Just realized that the DMB song "Typical Situation" is no longer accurate.
KATE: There are not nine planets anymore.
KATE: Huh.
KATE: Fortunately, the classics are still valid.
KATE: "Single Ladies" will always be true.
SARAH: Men need to learn – if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
SARAH: That is the truth.
SARAH: Beyonce knows us better than we do.
SARAH: She also felt that people were not ready for her jelly. I can understand that feeling too.
SARAH: I’ve got a lot of jelly myself.

Sarah Has a Short Fuse

My parents keep on saying that they are going to Vermont this weekend. And then they say that they aren’t. then they are. Then they aren’t. YOU GUYS. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS I AM TRYING TO MAKE PLANS HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

Sarah Respects Her Elders

KATE: Nelly turns 36 today.
KATE: How does that make you feel?
SARAH: Stop it.
SARAH: That's not what's going on. There's no way he's that old.
SARAH: How is he not dead yet?

Terminal Fun, Part Deux

SARAH: The flight is supposed to leave in 10 minutes.
SARAH: We still haven't boarded.
SARAH: What is going on? My antsy pants are getting worse.
KATE: Bitch, be cool.
KATE: Just think: there is some guy in the airport with no testicles.
SARAH: He's in the air with no testicles now.
SARAH: He and his balls went to Nashville.

Sarah Goes to the Airport, or, Terminal Fun

SARAH: There's a girl here wearing fur-lined boots and a skirt.
SARAH:  She feels that equals pants.
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: And she's either going to Toronto or Nashville.
SARAH: Either way, she is dressed inappropriately.
SARAH: And she spent 15 minutes putting on makeup.
SARAH: Using her boyfriend's leg as a table.
SARAH: I hope he checked his balls with his luggage
SARAH:Because otherwise, he might need to buy a pair at the duty-free.
SARAH: Today is going to be one of those days.

Texts from Sarah: Xavier School Edition

8:29am So far they've checked my passport twice
8:29am Like maybe I've changed since I got here.

8:30am Sarah, The Shapeshifter.
8:30am Don't tell.
8:30am If I could shapeshift, I'd totally be someone hotter than me.

Texts from Sarah: Sarah Goes Abroad!

8:23am Pretty sure there are hobos trying to get on this flight.
8:23am Does Canada allow hobos?

8:24am They're either hobos or hipsters.
8:24am That can be the new game!

And I Am So Very Proud.

SARAH: Guess what?
ACHILLES: What?
SARAH: I got a bronze medal in the Special Olympics on Saturday!
ACHILLES: Um, I knew you were tarded, but is that legal?
SARAH: I don't know if it is
SARAH: but B1 and I were a team
SARAH: and we got bronze medals.
ACHILLES: What event?
SARAH: Fishing.
SARAH: I cast the line out myself and caught it.
ACHILLES: I am impressed.
SARAH: BE IMPRESSED I DID IT AND I TOUCHED A GROSS FISH AND PUT MY FINGER IN ITS MOUTH
ACHILLES: Ew.
ACHILLES: Did you then throw it at the judges and shout, "Suck it, bassholes!"
SARAH: No. I'm not you--
SARAH: I know how to act at the Special Olympics.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

SARAH: Borat knows about Best of Sarah but I haven’t sent him the link.  It’s a little...much.
SARAH: Also, all I talk about is drinking, steak and sexy times. 
SARAH: I don’t think that really is all I’m about. 
SARAH: I also like cupcakes. 
SARAH: And glitter. 
SARAH: And goddamn unicorns.
SARAH: And did I mention you?  I LOVE YOU TOTES GAY OVER HERE

She's Got the Snacktime Train Blues

SARAH: I’m thinking it’s snack time. 
SARAH: But considering I almost choked to death yesterday on my snack, it’s a little scary. 
SARAH: But maybe today I have my shit together and I can eat things without dying.
SARAH: Mashed Potato Johnson, play me off!

I'm Pretty Sure He Doesn't Mind

SARAH: Just started tweaking. What the hell is my problem? 
SARAH: SELF. GET A GRIP. DON’T BE A WEIRDO.
SARAH: That didn’t seem to work. 
SARAH: I apologize to the baby jesus for my inability to be a normal human. 
SARAH: Or a unicorn. 
SARAH: Or a cupcake, for that matter.

Because Unicorns...Well. They Make Cupcakes. With Their Butts.

SARAH: Kate, we are so gay that I am very surprised that rainbows don’t follow in our wake.
KATE: Me too. But we aren't unicorns.
KATE: At least I'm not. 
SARAH: You don’t shit cupcakes? 
SARAH: Cause if you did shit cupcakes and you didn’t tell me, our soupsnakery would be over.
SARAH: D-U-N.
KATE: I don't, I don't.
SARAH: Welcome to Shit Sarah Says on Fridays – Birthday Edition.
SARAH: OMG IT IS MY BIRTHDAY

At Least She Realizes This

SARAH: Things I shouldn’t say to anyone that isn’t you:
SARAH: Uhh…everything I just said to you.

Much Better.

SARAH: Yeah, this birthday really is the cat’s pajamas. 
SARAH: I mean, last year was also good. Don’t get me wrong. 
SARAH: You put a lot of effort into that and I was just too much Sally Sadpants to realize it. 
SARAH: But I still had fun.
SARAH: This year, I need freakin’ DotCom to come and sit on me. I’m overstimulated.

Gold Medalists, Right Here

SARAH: I have social special needs – I’m not going to say I’m socially retarded, even though I am. 
SARAH: And I just did. 
SARAH: This is a fact. But you seem to like me anyway.
KATE: You know what? I do like you anyway.
KATE: And look who you're talking to.
KATE: If there were a social special olympics, you and I would definitely be competitors. You could just run down the track yelling everything that pops into your head, and I can contort myself into impossible positions while trying to hide from social activities.
KATE: It'll be great!
SARAH: Can we make that an event for tomorrow night? 
SARAH: We can run around the cul-de-sac shouting things and no one will question us because that’s about what happens normally

Anything You Say Can and Will Be Held Against You in a Court of Madonna

Things I might be doing – singing "Borderline" under my breath. I mean, that might be happening. I don’t think you can prove it though. 

Texts from Sarah: Airport Security Edition

SARAH: Guess who just got frisked!
SARAH: That's the most action I've gotten in months.
SARAH: I almost wanted to thank her

FB, Are You Listening?

SARAH: Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are super gayyyyyyyyyyy for each other.
SARAH: It’s too bad there isn’t a relationship status on Facebook that is “Totes Gay for Each Other” because if there was, we would be that
KATE: I would rescind my policy of not having a relationship status on Facebook if that were an option.

No, The RHYMING Katetionary

SARAH: Just got an e-mail from Karen: Going to pick up my laptop tonight! And then have dinner and kissy faces!
SARAH: Kate, we are taking over the word universe and winning SO HARD

Do Not Read This Post

SARAH: Don't read this article because it's gross.
SARAH: Just read the headline.
SARAH: Basically it tells you what to do when your arm flies out of your body.
SARAH: CNN felt like this is a topic that they should address because APPARENTLY people are losing their shit left and right

Population: 1

SARAH: I'm sitting at my desk giggling like a crazy person. I’ve snapped. GOODBYE.
SARAH:  (Not leaving work. Just entering Crazytown.)
KATE: Come on, Crackers. It's time for you to go home.
SARAH: Crackers? Like animal crackers? 
SARAH: What kind of crackers? With cheese? 
SARAH: WITH WINE AND CHEESE?
SARAH: Know what I think is going to happen tonight? 
SARAH: Dance party. DANCE PARTY IN THE KITCHEN. EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE

Sarah Plans Her Evening

After work, I am going to go to the grocery store and get things for dinner and then I will come home and maybe I will play with the Wii Fit that can tell me HEY FATTY GET THE HELL OFF YOU ARE BREAKING ME.
 
Thanks, a-hole. I’m going to take out your batteries.

Sarah and Kate are Cake Snobs

KATE: They had a store cake for Karen's birthday and did I have any?
KATE: No, I did not. Even though it was chocolate. 
KATE: You may praise me now.
SARAH: Kate, you and I are stone-cold bitches that no one can fuck with. 
SARAH: No shitty cake for us. 
SARAH: NO SHITTY CAKE

Sarah's Company Had a "Tailgate" "Party"

SARAH: I am going to slaughter the HR lady.
SARAH: I emailed her to tell her about who was on our flip cup team. 
SARAH: And I said, “Here’s the team roster:”
SARAH: Which she took to mean our team name. Our team name is Team Roster. 
SARAH: GO TEAM ROSTER.
KATE: That's...wow. Wow wow wow.
SARAH: That’s what I’m saying.  Apparently you don’t need to know words to work in HR.

Sarah Decides to Make Soft Pretzels

SARAH: Oh man, I cannot stand the idea of not having them. 
SARAH: EVERYONE. LOVE ME. I GET POSSESSED BY THE FLOUR DEVIL
SARAH: Hello, I cookin’ you tomorrow?
SARAH: We have some problems.
SARAH: KATE. SOFT PRETZELS. 
SARAH: IT’S 17 FORMS OF WIN

We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.

KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men. 
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle. 
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that?  Everyone wants that.  HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles.  Sexytimes.  I want such simple things. 
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it. 
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

I Think She's Paraphrasing

I just got an email from Spanx. And it said, “Guess what, fatty! Soon you’ll be able to fit into your dress! MAYBE YOU SHOULD EAT LESS”

Is That Going to Stop Her? I Think You Know the Answer.

SARAH: Things I cannot do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt. 
SARAH: You want to see my boobs?  Now you can!

I'm Inclined to Agree

Pam wants me to come over tonight, but I wanted to go to the mall so maybe we ALL COULD GO TO THE MALL in the biggest gayest fallout anywhere and do you know what they have at the mall THEY HAVE PRETZELS AND I WANT ONE.
 
I think I’ve had too much sugar today. What are YOUR thoughts?

Introducing: Borat

Borat sent me a text message last night telling me that he hoped I dreamed of unicorns. Man. I wish I dreamed of unicorns. That would be friggin’ awesome.

She's Going to Be Talking About Fish Oil A Lot, You Guys

SARAH: There is a hunger in my belly.  FEED ME, it says. 
SARAH: You wait your damn turn, stomach. 
SARAH: I already gave you Swedish fish and fish oil. What more could you want?
KATE: Please tell me you have eaten something other than Poseidon tears and Swedish fish today.
SARAH: I had some cereal. But the only thing that really matters are Swedish fish and Poseidon tears. 
SARAH: I wonder what’s going on in my tummy, what with such magical shit. 
SARAH: OH MAN, what if the Poseidon tears turned the Swedish fish into REAL FISH? 
SARAH: WOULDN”T THAT BE CRAZY?!?!?!

HINT HINT HINT HINT

SARAH: I need to get brown sugar and then tonight I can make cookies.  Cookies for the new girl at work!!  Except not.
KATE: What are they for?
KATE: Are they Hey Everybody Please Remember My Birthday cookies?
KATE: They should be. You should put a piece of paper inside each cookie that says SARAH'S BIRTHDAY IS LATER THIS MONTH, ASSHAT.
SARAH: Man, that would be so awesome.

Sarah Was Born During the Industrial Fish Revolution

SARAH: I feel like when you make fish oil, you just squeeze a fish really really hard until all the oil comes out.
SARAH: This is your Sarah Thought of the Day.
KATE: What sort of machine does that, do you think? Or is it just some guy with a fish in his hand, squeezing it like a lemon?
SARAH: I don’t know.  Maybe in third-world countries someone squeezes fish by hand. But here, in America, we use a fish squeeze press. 

Like An Easy Button, But for Rage.

SARAH:  I wish I had some sort of buzzer that I could hit when people made me mad.
KATE: You'd never stop.
SARAH: Then people should stop making me mad.

Just Around the Corner from Crazypants

SARAH: We are all sadpants sometimes.
KATE: It's true.
SARAH: Everyone gets a little sad in their pants sometimes.
SARAH: But you change pants
SARAH: And can put happy ones on.
KATE: Sometimes you surpass even Tracy Jordan in your wisdom.
SARAH: Why, thank you!
KATE: I think I am currently wearing happy pants. Or at least well-adjusted pants.
SARAH: Good
SARAH: You can always adjust your pants.
SARAH: But not in public.

How Frosty Is It?

SARAH:  I'm being a frosty ice princess right now.
SARAH: I'm so frosty I can ice my own knee.
SARAH: I'm so frosty, you'd need to wear a winter coat in my room.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that Jack fuckin' Frost looks like the sun.
SARAH: Frosty the goddamn Snowman aint got SHIT on me.
KATE: Sing it.
SARAH: Or snow, for that matter.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that winter needs to go to the southern hemisphere when I'm around.
SARAH: I'm SO frosty that I don't even have to make sense.
KATE: That IS frosty.
KATE: And does it frost your butt?
SARAH: Frosts my butt.
SARAH: And burns my biscuits.
SARAH: And also greases my chassis
SARAH: Which is a personal problem
SARAH: I overshared.

Sarah Rediscovers Ugly Baby

SARAH: It's just so...hideous.
SARAH: I am a bad, bad person.
KATE: Well, that is a seriously ugly baby. That's not your fault. 
KATE:...Looking for photos of it, on the other hand...well. That might be your fault.
KATE: But I appreciate it. And damn, that baby is ugly.
SARAH: I’m only half at fault.  Or a quarter at fault.
SARAH: Or some percentage.
SARAH: She shouldn’t put pictures of the ugly baby on the internet if she doesn’t want anyone to say, "DAMN THAT IS AN UGLY BABY"

Another Wild Night in Cupcake Land

KATE: (stepping out of the shower, calling down the stairs): Hey, I thought of something.
SARAH: What?
KATE: It's the dorkiest hypothetical question in human history. I mean it.
SARAH: What is it?
KATE: If I cast Lumos solem, would I break out in hives?

SARAH stands at the foot of the stairs, speechless.

KATE: Is it real sunlight? Like would the UV rays affect my immune system?
SARAH: You are not allowed to take showers anymore.

The Crisis, Continued

KATE: I should tell you, I get away with a lot more as a redhead than I ever did as a blonde-ish person.
KATE: But that's probably because my red hair gives me the attitude to try more.
KATE: People expect gingers to be trouble. I'm just doing my job.
SARAH: And maybe I’m just doing my job. 
SARAH: My job of being AWESOME LIKE TOTALLY.
SARAH: Save me.  Save me from myself.

Sartre Had Similar Issues

SARAH: I want chili. I most certainly do not want my rice and veggies for lunch. But I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it and be pissed with every bite. 
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up. 
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis? 
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde. 
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde. 
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it. 
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years. 
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want.  And you know, make unreasonable demands. 
SARAH: It is my blonde existence! 
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!

A few minutes later

SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff.  Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not. 
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde. 
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.

A few minutes later

SARAH: Or maybe I do.

A few minutes later

SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.

Sarah Does What She's Told (an e-mail from Sarah)

ME: I don't understand this.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: What don’t you understand?
ME: Like, all of it.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: Write down what you don’t understand.


So I took a piece of paper and wrote “everything.”

Sarah Anticipates Her Family Vacation

A week from now, I’ll be drinking vodka and reading on a beach. A WEEK. I can do this. I can work through this week to get to the vodka on the other side.

I’m like the chicken that crossed the road, except I’m Sarah, and I exploded all the shit in my way to get to the end of the week. And the vodka.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy

Kate. Kate. I love you so bad I want to pee.

I don’t know what those two thoughts have to do with each other, but know this: loving you so much I have to pee is the greatest compliment I can give.

Texts from Sarah: 4:33 on a Thursday

SARAH: That-
SARAH: Kate.
SARAH: Boss Lady is singing The Thong Song.
SARAH: Jesus Christmas, what is going on here?

Texts from Sarah: Vacation Edition

I am telling you this because you are my soupsnake - my parents are arguing about what is the best way to wipe one's ass.

Sarah Slammed Her Finger in a Door. It Got Gross.

SARAH: Grosssssssssssssss finger. It’s fascinating. 
SARAH:I can’t look away.  Honestly, I can’t.
KATE: You are so funny with Gross Finger. I mean, obviously I'm sorry that it hurts and is gross, but your fascination with it is fascinating to me. 
SARAH: I can’t help it.  it’s so interesting and totally gross.  Like…who expects that? 
SARAH: It’s kind of like when my dad joins the HSA.*  It’s gross, but I cannot look away. 
SARAH: I come from a weird family.
SARAH: I say that like maybe MAYBE you haven’t realized that yet and think that everything that goes down in my family is normal.




*The HSA, or Home Surgery Association, is what it's called when Sarah's father takes a drill to a swollen finger, or a screwdriver to a busted tooth...usually his own, but not exclusively.

The Chain Gang Don't Take Kindly to All This Talk of Shanking

Think of where I would be if it weren’t for you.  IN PRISON, that is where.

2 pm.

Kate.  Today should be over by now.  I timed it.

The Romance, Rekindled

SARAH: I’m not totally heartless when it comes to BJ. 
SARAH: I just hate his existence.
SARAH: And he has stupid hair.

Suck It, Evolution

Kate, it really is amazing that you are still alive.  Even more amazing than the fact that I am still alive. Survival of the fittest ain’t got shit on us. Or something. 

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Asked to See a Dessert Menu

SARAH: When I was in the bathroom washing my hands, I got a hardcore craving for a NY strip steak.  HEY BOYS. BUY ME STEAK.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical?  We may have thought that I have grown, but no.  I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak. 
SARAH: And I want a salad too. 
SARAH: And some vodka drinks. 
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.

Could I Have Been Any Other Hamster Than Me?

Sometimes, I think it would be awesome to be a small animal, because then regular food would be HUGE and who doesn’t want to eat a HUGE PIECE OF POPCORN? Then I remember that I would be a small animal and someone would probably step on me. Or Ollie would eat me out of spite.

The Cute Guy Comes to Clean the Office Aquarium. Sarah Has a Plan.

Maybe you should tell the cute guy that you are part mermaid…and wouldn’t he like to see which part? And then you say WE HAS KISSY FACES and then whoo! Kate has kissy faces.

Sarah Howser, MD and Revisionist

SARAH: If your doctor says that he can’t do anything else, you say thank you, you get your records and you see another doctor and you get answers.
SARAH: Did we give up after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?  NO!
KATE: When exactly did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor? 
KATE: I am laughing so hard I'm crying and the interns are staring at me.
SARAH: They bombed Pearl Harbor in 1857, because they had secret plane technology that we didn’t know about. 
SARAH: This before we even knew Hawaii existed.
SARAH: TRICKY GERMANS

Sarah Takes A Practical Approach to Pets

SARAH:The adorable dog that I love from the shelter has an application in. I want it to not be that way – but I can’t possibly take her home. 
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds. 
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her. 
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate.  She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME.  She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine.  Also, chicken butt.

Oh. That Kind of Day.

Do you know what kind of day it has been?  The kind of day where I went to pull up my shirt because it was falling down and I punched myself in the face.
 
THAT KIND OF DAY.

The Return of Owl City

SARAH: I'm not saying it's your fault
SARAH: But now I have Owl City stuck in my head
KATE: Goddamn bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: I'm going to march to his shitty house in Minnesota or wherever the fuck he lives and beat him with his bleep blop machine

I'm Telling You, the Cat is Pure Evil

SARAH: Maybe I should get Ollie a squeaky toy. It would sound like him rolling over a mouse.
SARAH: Because he is Voldemort.
KATE: If I hadn't met Ollie, I wouldn't believe that a cat could do that. But I have, and yes, such a ridiculous thing is not only possible but likely. A-mazing. That has to be the best thing that cat has ever done.
SARAH: Once he had his claws out and smacked my neanderthal ex-boyfriend in the junk.  That was also amazing.
KATE: That's right! If only we had this all on video, we could do a highlights reel. Oh well. I really don't want to see neanderthal junk anyway. 
KATE: Ugh.
SARAH: And then, if we did a highlights reel, Ollie would wait until we were sleeping and slit our throats with his claws.  He would waddle to Cupcake Land and pick our lock with his claws and then he would open the door (because he’s just about figured out how to do that) and he would come and find us.
SARAH: And then eat Angela and Phyllis for good measure.
KATE: No way, man. If we did a highlights reel Ollie would get lawyers and sue us. And THEN he'd kill us and our pets in our sleep.
SARAH: I like to imagine fat Ollie smashing his paws on the phone trying to call some lawyers.

Texts from Sarah: Demon Cat Edition

Ollie is rolling in the grass and every time he rolls I hear a squeaking sound...I'm pretty sure he's crushing a field mouse to death with his fat ass.

Cat Pot Calling Cat Kettle Cat Black

SARAH: FLAKY CAT LADY I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND
SARAH: She’s all like “I thought I was crazy because I didn’t see that link on there”
SARAH: LISTEN. YOU ARE CRAZY. LINK OR NOT, YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU HAVE FACEBOOK FOR YOUR CAT
KATE: Doesn't Ollie have a facebook?
KATE: Just saying.
SARAH: Ollie has catbook.  Which is facebook for cats.  There is a difference.  Also, you will notice that I don’t write on my own wall, pretending to be Ollie.  Nor have I updated catbook since I was in college. 
SARAH: But Flaky Cat Lady’s cat? Her cat updates its status. The cat. Updates. Its status.

Sarah Abides

It's 2: 24. 2:24!! Know what makes me sad? Numbers have no capitals. Saying TWO TWENTY-FOUR is not the same. Numbers need capitals. Sarah has spoken.

The History of Anything, I Say

KATE: Google says: "Vet Scopes Affordable Yes - 8mm 150cm Endoscopes New Veterinary Endoscopy Systems"
KATE: Google thinks maybe you and I are going to be doing some mobile veterinary medicine. 
KATE: That's sweet of you to think, Google, but it's going to be more like "mobile margarita medicine."
SARAH: I like the idea of mobile margarita medicine. We have the best ideas. And Stephanie is going to make us dinner!
KATE: Actually, dinner's pretty much made (hello crockpot). So we should have a lovely evening.
SARAH: Whatever. The fact that it’s basically made means there is more time for drinking. And that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard EVER in the history of ANYTHING

Sarah Chooses a Mantra

We are awesome, we are awesome

Taxonomy 101 With Kate and Sarah

SARAH: I just ate about 4 pounds of melon, so I should be good for a while. 
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.

SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening. 
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot. 
SARAH: Peepot.  YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.

Sometimes Kate Hates Things Too

SARAH: (looking at a friend's wedding photos) I really love that dress. That’s the sort of dress that I think I want. Except I would look like a cow and not as delicate as she does.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.

Sarah Plays with Dolls in Royal Fashion

KATE: Look what I found for you! It's Anne Boleyn!
SARAH: Unless her head comes off, I don't want it.

Sarah is Weary of Toil

SARAH: This is so much work. This is like the neverending project. I’m friggin’ Sisyphus over here. Why? Maybe I need Red Bull. I heard it gives you wings.
KATE: Yes. No to the Red Bull, but yes to the Sisyphus.
SARAH: Damn it. My life as a Greek myth.
SARAH: Scott Baio ruins everything.

Sarah Solves Problems

KATE: Ugh I am all puffy and it is making me so sad. I wish I could just deflate myself.
SARAH: Would you like me to poke you with a pin? Then you will not feel so bloaty. I will deflate you!
KATE: Yes. Deflate me please. This is ridiculous. I looked in the mirror last night and didn't recognize myself, because I'm a balloon. So yes.
SARAH: Maybe someone should squeeze you and then all the air would come out. That’s a thought too.
KATE: Or pee would come out. That's more likely.
SARAH: If I squeezed you and pee came out, I would laugh. Then I would be sad because you peed on me, but clearly I would be asking for it.

Kate and Sarah: A Study in Hydrology

KATE: My headache is still there and I've almost finished my Nalgene. Guess it's time for another one. I love that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you and I drink water like it's going to fix things. It's not. It's a nice drink and everything, but clearly it has not cured us yet. But maybe we just haven't had enough. (har har).
SARAH: You are right about the water. We drink it like it’s some sort of magic potion…but it’s not. It just makes us pee a lot and THAT is not magic. That’s how your damn body works.

Look at Her Go

Man, look at us, improving our lives. Or at least you are improving your life and I’m sitting here on my busted broken fat ass saying “MAN, LOOK AT KATE GO” and then eating everything that can fit in my mouth. Kind of like Ollie. Oh god, I’m turning into Ollie. Soon my mom will love me and squeeze me and feed me nonstop.
 
Wait. Who am I kidding? That will never happen.

Somehow It Always Becomes About the Crushing.

My sunburn is okay. It’s a little burny. Headache is painy. Knees are okay – it’s actually my thigh muscles that hurt super bad. And they are getting better and I know they hurt like this because I’m working them out and then they will be all good and strong and WHOO WATCH OUT MEN, I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH MY LEGS.

Sarah Empathizes

Dear Flaky Cat Lady,

No one cares that you are too poor to have a dryer or that all your towels are now wet or that your shower tomorrow might not happen. That is a gross overshare. And no one cares. Especially me. I don’t care the most.

Sarah is Good at Threats, Part II

Flaky cat lady, I don’t care if it’s your birthday. I will bring you full circle and END YOU TODAY if you don’t stop coughing NO ONE IS SICK FOR THIS LONG ARE YOU SECRETLY A DBAG YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE YOUR LEGS WAGON LEGS I SWEAR TO GOD

I just made up a song. It’s called “You’re Going to Lose Your Legs.”

You’re going to lose your legs OHHHHHHHH You’re going to lose your legs! Yes you’re going to lose your leggggggggggggggggs. You are a dbag, YES! You're going to lose your legs!

Sarah Goes Out for Lunch

Just got back from lunch at my grandma’s house. We sat on the deck and then I had a popsicle. There is no way to eat a popsicle that doesn’t look like a bj. Just saying.

Sarah is Good at Threats

FLAKY CAT LADY YOU SHOULD BE GLAD IT IS THE END OF THE DAY OR I WOULD END YOUR LIFE STOP FUCKING COUGHING JESUS MARY AND DUMBLEDORE

Texts from Sarah: Rush Hour Edition

I need a vanity plate that says HATEU

We Should Not Own Such Large Water Bottles.

Why do we drink so much water? I bet it's because we have diabetes. Or I have diabetes. You're probably just thirsty.

Introducing: Flaky Cat Lady (Sarah Hates All Her Coworkers)

Where the hell is Ollie’s time machine? I need it to make this day over SHUT UP FLAKY CAT LADY

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND FULL OF VODKA, FLAKY CAT LADY, PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem, Part II

I have been amazing today.

Also, I have drank so much water today that I can switch to vodka when I get home. I like my justification of things. I don’t need anyone to try to convince me otherwise. Drinking water all day allows you to drink vodka all night. Or at least until you pass out. One or the other. Something like that.

OMG TIME PLZ TO MOVE FORWARD.

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem

SARAH: 2 big bottles of water down. Totes going to pee myself.
SARAH: Fact - I have gone pee so many times today that I forgot how to wash my hands.
SARAH: Really.
SARAH: I went to the bathroom, went to the sink, got my hands wet…and then stood there for a moment, thinking about what my next action should be. So I got some paper towels to dry off my hands and I realized that I forgot soap. So I got my hands all wet all over again and used soap this time and then dried them off.
SARAH: Do not let me drink so much water during the day JESUS HOW IS IT ONLY 4 PM WHY IS TIME STANDING STILL
KATE: It's official. You have drowned your brain.

The Magic of Turfucken

SARAH: When I laugh, it hurts my back.
SARAH: My back is all sorts of fucken broken.
SARAH: Turfucken.
SARAH: That’s never not going to be funny.

Editor's Note: Turfucken.

We made up a new word. A disgruntled e-mail arrived and included the phrase "fucken politics." We decided that "fucken" was a combination of "fuck" and "chicken." We then decided that it was like a turducken, which is a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey. And then we invented "turfucken." And then we realized we needed to be able to use "turfucken" in a sentence, so here it is:

"Oh, I would, but I'm not up turfucken tonight."

Sarah on Medication, Continued

B2 often threatens to shove his size 13 boot up Ollie’s shitass, but he never does it.

That cat has more enemies than friends. Also, I had to fight him off with a cardboard box last night, because he was trying to bite me. I won’t have that shit.

Introducing: Flour Face.

Flour Face is all ilke, “MY DAD HAS A GARDEN. MY DAD HAS APPLE TREES. MY DAD GROWS FRUIT.”

Fine. See if I bring you fuckers any fruit. You’ve lost your fruit privileges. I’m going to eat all the blueberries without you. I’m going to bring in a dozen blueberry muffins and eat them all myself. Whorebags.

And I’m going to shout ‘OH MAN, THESE MUFFINS ARE AMAZING. I WISH I HAD SOME FRIENDS TO SHARE THESE MUFFINS WITH”

Then I’ll sing the Jack Johnson sharing song about how it’s always more fun to share with everyone except I’ll change the words to “I WON’T SHARE WITH EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BITCHES BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE, THEY JUST CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY”

That might be too long though.

...Also, I just drooled all over my hand and I’m not sure how that happened. My mouth wasn’t even open, I don’t think.

The World Makes Sense When Sarah is On Medication

SARAH: Oh man, Ollie was such a little bastard last night. He ran up to my mom and bit her and my mom claimed he bit her because he was not getting enough socialization. She is in denial. Very, very, very deep denial.
KATE: I just figured out who Ollie reminds me of: Dudley Dursley. And your mom is Petunia and she thinks her fat bastard can do no wrong but really he is an awful awful creature and terrorizes everyone. Which would make you (and everyone else) Harry Potter. But mostly you, because your mom is mean to you.
SARAH: Oh  man.  But I’m not going to Hogwarts.  I bet it’s because that bastard Ollie ate the owl before it got to me to give me my letter. Even though Ollie wasn’t even born when I would have been of the appropriate age to go to Hogwarts.  Ollie’s mom wasn’t even born then.  So…maybe not.
SARAH: But Ollie is so evil, I bet he made a time machine and went back to the past and told them to eat my letter from the Hogwarts owl and then Nellie (who was before Ollie and just as mean) ate the Hogwarts owl and in the end, Ollie wins.
SARAH: I just spent some time coming up with that scenario.  I think I need help.  Anti-inflammatory drugs have gone to my brain.
KATE: Wow. Yes. You do need help. But don't get too much help because then you won't be funny.

Kate Went on Vacation.

Dear Dublin -

If you do not return Kates to me promptly, I'm going to come over to Ireland and take her back. Do you know why? BECAUSE SHE IS MY SOUPSNAKE AND I WILL NOT SHARE HER. Unless you find someone else for me to have in my life constantly. You know how when a dog takes a toy it's not supposed to have and then you have to bribe it with something else to get the thing that you want back? That's what you're going to have to do.

Wow, worst analogy ever.

Love,
Sarah

Like Your Mother Didn't Know.

I should go to the post office tomorrow during lunch. We need to remember to make out checks for April rent. I will do that tonight when I get back to the house. Look at me, doing stuff. Doing stuff...in the future.

In the future, no one wears pants.

The Trials and Tribulations of Knowing You Have Corn Dogs in the Freezer at Home

Suddenly, even though I've eaten lunch, I have a NEED for a corn dog. A MIGHTY NEED FOR A CORN DOG. Man, sometimes we are so white trash I can't barely stand us.

Sarah Makes a Friend

SARAH: So I work with this sweet guy and I want him to be my friend
SARAH: So I'm going to threaten to add him as a friend on Facebook.
KATE: It's not really much of a threat. I mean, I'm glad you're my friend. I don't find it to be a punishment.
SARAH: Of course you’re going to say that being my friend isn’t a punishment. I know where you live and sleep and eat.

She's Still Stapling

SARAH: I’m on my 4th thing of staples and not even close to finished. Stapling stapling.

some time later

SARAH: Still stapling

some time later

SARAH: I’m going to be stapling until my hand falls off. Still stapling. Still doing it. There is nothing else for me to do but staple. I would shank someone for any other kind of work at this point.

some time later

SARAH: I never want to see a staple again.

some time later

SARAH: Totally going to have to have reconstructive surgery on my staplin’ hand.

some time later

SARAH: Kill me.

Workman's Comp Hasn't Yet Kicked In, or, Sarah Starts Her New Job

SARAH: Oh my god I'm going to be stapling until I DIE
SARAH: Stapling stapling stapling
SARAH: You know how people get tennis elbow? I’m going to get stapling hand.
KATE: Don't get stapling hand. That's the least glamorous work-related injury I've ever heard of.
SARAH: No, some sort of STD would be the least glamorous work-related injury. Tootin’ ain’t easy.
KATE: Ohhhhhhhhh dear.
SARAH: Last week I took two birth control pills by mistake and nearly gave myself an accidental abortion.
KATE: You're not having sex.
SARAH: I know, but still.

All Sarah, All the Time

SARAH: Okay, if I don't have a job by August, I'm going to apply to be on the Real World.
SARAH: That's the only choice.
KATE: Obviously.
SARAH: Dude, I would RULE on that show.
SARAH: Man, they all hate each other. And say nasty things about each other. And I am a PRO at that shit.
KATE: You sure are.
KATE: Though it would quickly become The Sarah Show.
SARAH: And then they would pay me lots of money.
KATE: And then there would be a spinoff.
KATE: I Love Sarah.
SARAH: And I wouldn't need a job because then being AWESOME would be my job.
KATE: This is all going to happen.
KATE: I can just feel it.
SARAH: YES and then they would bring men on that think that they love me and I will destroy them.
SARAH: And then there will be another spinoff called Sarah Destroys Lives.
KATE: They should all be called that.
KATE: You can just number them.
KATE: SDL 1
KATE: SDL 2
KATE: SDL: THE REVENGE OF SARAH
SARAH: I can go back and destroy again.
KATE: Brilliant.
KATE: You can start with that tick that gave you lyme.
KATE: Because he deserves to be destroyed twice.
SARAH: We will find his fucking family
SARAH: And end them
KATE: All 4,000,000,000 of them?
SARAH: YES
KATE: Longest death list ever.
SARAH: I think you have to be on the show. You have to remind me who I need to exact my revenge on.
KATE: You could just keep a notebook, that would probably do the same thing.
SARAH: Okay, MTV is looking to cast a show about people that are BFF with their moms
SARAH: I could be on one about people wanting to kill their mothers.
KATE: It's true.
KATE: That would be a show on Lifetime.
SARAH: It would be "Snapped."
SARAH: It's about women that snap and kill people.
KATE: Sounds good. And maybe on that show they will give you rocket boosters for your car and a flame thrower and bumpers.
KATE: And a fist on a stick like the mayor had.
SARAH: OH MAN
SARAH: No one would ignore my phone calls again.
KATE: All your dreams will come true.
SARAH: Yes, they would. And yours too.
SARAH: It wouldn't be United Breaks Guitars, it would be SARAH BREAKS YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU DESERVE IT, MOTHERFUCKER
KATE: That would be all the time, right?
SARAH: ...maybe
KATE: You might need your own channel, dude.
SARAH: I need to have an element of surprise.
KATE: This is a lot of hours of programming.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I need my own channel.
SARAH: All Sarah, all the time
SARAH: Your life is my channel.
KATE: It's true.
KATE: We're supposed to get snow on the 27th. We don't have a forecast for the 28th yet. If it is snowing when I am leaving for Ireland I will need you to collect your weapons and meet me at Mount Olympus so I can beat Zeus up.
SARAH: Dude, they are so guessing about the 27th.
SARAH: They can't even be a little bit right about what happens.
KATE: I really don't want to have to lay the smackdown.
SARAH: Remain positive. It's not going to snow.
SARAH: Bitch please. Zeus won't know what hit him.
SARAH: But I'll give you a hint - it's my fist.

That's Not My Name

KATE: Oh NO. Someone's ringtone is Owl City blops and bleeps.
KATE: FAILLLLLLLLLLLL.
KATE: Dammit now I have Owl City stuck in my head.
KATE: I will find you
KATE: Whoever you are.
SARAH: Bleep bloop
SARAH: blop blop
KATE: sigh.
SARAH: Beep beep beepity beep
SARAH: blop
KATE: Thanks.
SARAH: That's Owl City for you.
KATE: Bleep bloop bloopity bloop to you.
SARAH: There was something I was going to tell you.
KATE: I hope it was real words
KATE: And not bleeps.
SARAH: As if maybe I haven't seen you in years.
KATE: Right, right.
SARAH: No, it was going to be real words.
SARAH: But now you've given me the idea of bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: You're going to be like "Do we have any milk?" and I will say BEEPITY BEEP
SARAH: And you'll hit me.
KATE: I really, really will.
SARAH: Nice, Kate.
SARAH: Very nice.
KATE: Classy lady, coming through.
SARAH: Ting ting!
KATE: Ting ting!
KATE: Bitch trolley, merrily careening across town.
SARAH: Yes.
SARAH: And you have on a conductor's hat.
SARAH: And you're giving everyone the finger.
KATE: Yes.
KATE: Ting ting.
SARAH: Shut up and let her go

Sarah in: The Decisionator

SARAH: Do you know this stuff with this media company has been going on for almost a month now?
KATE: Nonsense. That is nonsense.
SARAH: I interviewed on Jan 8th.
SARAH: You don't have to tell me it's nonsense. I am aware.
SARAH: I want to find this company that is being a pain in the ass and go and punch them.
SARAH: And be like THIS IS A JOB I NEED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS I WILL HIT YOU.
KATE: That seems like it might speed up their decision process.
SARAH: I hate these people.
KATE: Then let's hope you don't have to work with them.
SARAH: I know decisions relating to businesses are not ones to be taken lightly
SARAH: BUT SERIOUSLY? A MONTH?!
SARAH: Maybe companies should hire me to go and help clients decide
SARAH: and I can just bust in the potential client's office, all jeans and steel-toed Clydesdale-kicking boots and demand answers
SARAH: and JUSTICE.
KATE: Yes PLEASE.
KATE: And you need a costume.
KATE: To go with those boots.
SARAH: And I can roll up blasting Miranda Lambert and be so fired up.
KATE: A costume. Preferably involving gloves.
KATE: And a cape.
SARAH And I'll just go and say MAKE A CHOICE, YOU IDIOTS
KATE: I love it.
KATE: You can be called The Decisionator
SARAH: YES I CAN
SARAH: And every hour that goes by that they don't make a choice, I break something.
KATE: I love you.
SARAH: One hour down - picture of your family gets crushed.
SARAH: 2 hours - I'm going to break the lamp.
SARAH: 3 hours (god help you) - it's going to be some little paperweight that you got in Aruba.
SARAH: I will not stop until you make a choice. Because a MONTH is unacceptable.
KATE: You could so totes rent yourself out
KATE: as The Decisionator.
KATE: Sarah does not sleep. She waits.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I wait.

Sarah May Need a New Hobby

SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.

Sarah's Huge in Japan

SARAH: I am glad you live with me now, because now you are mine and I don't have to share you.
SARAH: Please imagine me squeezing you and carrying you around like a rag doll, because that's how I see this all happening.
SARAH: Because you are small and I am Godzilla.
KATE: Like Mindy and Buttons
SARAH: Or King Kong
KATE: Or that.
SARAH: Or some other scary large being that destroys most everything.

Sarah Knows What's Good for You

If there was shaken adult syndrome, he would have it. Courtesy of me. And no one would stop me, because they all know he needs it.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah!

SARAH: I would say i'm done with the Iron Chef*, but my anger never ends.
SARAH: Kind of like...uhh...The Neverending Story?
SARAH: But not with those weird flying dog things.
KATE: If we could convert your rage to electricity we'd never need a power plant again.
SARAH: Don't they say all the yelling you will do in your entire life makes enough energy to heat up a pot of coffee or something?
SARAH: They do not know me.
KATE: No. That's like an Olympic-sized hot tub.
SARAH: And no one will be invited it in unless I like them.
KATE: I shouldn't go in hot tubs.
KATE: I get woozy.
SARAH: Then you can sit on the side
SARAH: And be the lifeguard.
KATE: Can do.
KATE: HEY NO RUNNING SARAH
SARAH: But running will make the hot tub warmer.



*New character. All you need to know: He's a chef, he has wronged Sarah, and he will never be forgiven.

Sarah Has an Ultimatum

Everyone needs to stop wronging me. It's for their own good.

This Cat Has No Fashion Sense, Either

4:01pm Ollie's big fat ass makes it look like he's wearing parachute pants.

This Cat Doesn't Even Speak Spanish!

3:40pm I just shouted COMPRENDE MUCHACHO at Ollie
3:40pm He did not comprende
3:43pm And now he's trying to cough up a hairball

Introducing Chatty Cathy

KATE: It's not even 9am. Chatty Cathy is on her third gossip call.
KATE: To quote the great Albus Dumbledore: KILL. MEEEEEEEEEEEE.
KATE: Also
KATE: Good morning.
SARAH: Good morning.
KATE: I seriously wish I could drink poison.
KATE: Not that horcrux juice, but real poison.
SARAH: This is a Best of Sarah conversation and I didn't even do anything.
KATE: Merry Christmas.
SARAH Fucking for serious.
KATE: So I have been waking up every few hours for the last few nights.
KATE: It's bull
KATE: And does not make me predisposed to NOT poison myself.
SARAH: I love you.
SARAH: Just when I think I can't love you any more - I love you more.

We've Been Good, But We Can't Last

SARAH: You know, I'm starting to think that Dave from the Chipmunks has a rage problem.
KATE: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my day is over.
SARAH: Check this out.
KATE: Sarah, if you ever do this please drive away before the cops arrive.
SARAH: Is it bad that I can see why this would be a logical response to there not being chicken nuggets?
SARAH: Because I can.
KATE: I knew you would.
SARAH: Dude, when you want nuggets, you want fucking nuggets.
SARAH: You better have some goddamn nuggets, bitches.
KATE: Oh dear.
KATE: I mean, okay, when you need nuggets you need nuggets.
KATE: But I can hardly reach the pickup window as it is.
KATE: So I couldn't really do that anyway.
SARAH: Well, I can.
KATE: Sometimes I have to open my door and get out.
SARAH: Adorable.
SARAH: But back to Dave and his problems.
KATE: Oh, yes. You were saying?
SARAH: I bet he smacks those chipmunks around. Which is silly because he could just lock them out of the house and then they would die because I am SURE they have no idea how to fend for themselves.
SARAH: And how did he end up with talking chipmunks anyway?
SARAH: And WHY do they wear shirts?
KATE: I just squeaked.
KATE: i'm helpless.
KATE: I'm crying.
SARAH: That's just what Dave wants when he shouts.
SARAH: Fucking Dave.
SARAH: He's a real asshole.
SARAH: Chipmunk Protective Services should be called in to do...whatever it is they do.
KATE: He seems like he'd fit in with your family.
SARAH: I bet you dave is taking a HUGE cut from the chipmunk piggy bank
SARAH: Because they are chipmunks and don't understand money.
SARAH: They understand nuts. And let me tell you, nuts are cheap.

And She's Still Talking.

BJ's not going to like this. It's true, though. It's because of his stupid hair.

Sarah's Back.

He is really hot. I can see why someone would want to have lots and lots of his beautiful babies. You have a lot of ridiculously good-looking friends. BJ is not one of them.

Sarah is Moved By Words of Love

Waffles and tears are not appropriate for breakfast...

But it's lunchtime now.