Sarah May Need a New Hobby

SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.

Sarah's Huge in Japan

SARAH: I am glad you live with me now, because now you are mine and I don't have to share you.
SARAH: Please imagine me squeezing you and carrying you around like a rag doll, because that's how I see this all happening.
SARAH: Because you are small and I am Godzilla.
KATE: Like Mindy and Buttons
SARAH: Or King Kong
KATE: Or that.
SARAH: Or some other scary large being that destroys most everything.

Sarah Knows What's Good for You

If there was shaken adult syndrome, he would have it. Courtesy of me. And no one would stop me, because they all know he needs it.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah!

SARAH: I would say i'm done with the Iron Chef*, but my anger never ends.
SARAH: Kind of like...uhh...The Neverending Story?
SARAH: But not with those weird flying dog things.
KATE: If we could convert your rage to electricity we'd never need a power plant again.
SARAH: Don't they say all the yelling you will do in your entire life makes enough energy to heat up a pot of coffee or something?
SARAH: They do not know me.
KATE: No. That's like an Olympic-sized hot tub.
SARAH: And no one will be invited it in unless I like them.
KATE: I shouldn't go in hot tubs.
KATE: I get woozy.
SARAH: Then you can sit on the side
SARAH: And be the lifeguard.
KATE: Can do.
KATE: HEY NO RUNNING SARAH
SARAH: But running will make the hot tub warmer.



*New character. All you need to know: He's a chef, he has wronged Sarah, and he will never be forgiven.

Sarah Has an Ultimatum

Everyone needs to stop wronging me. It's for their own good.

This Cat Has No Fashion Sense, Either

4:01pm Ollie's big fat ass makes it look like he's wearing parachute pants.

This Cat Doesn't Even Speak Spanish!

3:40pm I just shouted COMPRENDE MUCHACHO at Ollie
3:40pm He did not comprende
3:43pm And now he's trying to cough up a hairball

Introducing Chatty Cathy

KATE: It's not even 9am. Chatty Cathy is on her third gossip call.
KATE: To quote the great Albus Dumbledore: KILL. MEEEEEEEEEEEE.
KATE: Also
KATE: Good morning.
SARAH: Good morning.
KATE: I seriously wish I could drink poison.
KATE: Not that horcrux juice, but real poison.
SARAH: This is a Best of Sarah conversation and I didn't even do anything.
KATE: Merry Christmas.
SARAH Fucking for serious.
KATE: So I have been waking up every few hours for the last few nights.
KATE: It's bull
KATE: And does not make me predisposed to NOT poison myself.
SARAH: I love you.
SARAH: Just when I think I can't love you any more - I love you more.

We've Been Good, But We Can't Last

SARAH: You know, I'm starting to think that Dave from the Chipmunks has a rage problem.
KATE: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my day is over.
SARAH: Check this out.
KATE: Sarah, if you ever do this please drive away before the cops arrive.
SARAH: Is it bad that I can see why this would be a logical response to there not being chicken nuggets?
SARAH: Because I can.
KATE: I knew you would.
SARAH: Dude, when you want nuggets, you want fucking nuggets.
SARAH: You better have some goddamn nuggets, bitches.
KATE: Oh dear.
KATE: I mean, okay, when you need nuggets you need nuggets.
KATE: But I can hardly reach the pickup window as it is.
KATE: So I couldn't really do that anyway.
SARAH: Well, I can.
KATE: Sometimes I have to open my door and get out.
SARAH: Adorable.
SARAH: But back to Dave and his problems.
KATE: Oh, yes. You were saying?
SARAH: I bet he smacks those chipmunks around. Which is silly because he could just lock them out of the house and then they would die because I am SURE they have no idea how to fend for themselves.
SARAH: And how did he end up with talking chipmunks anyway?
SARAH: And WHY do they wear shirts?
KATE: I just squeaked.
KATE: i'm helpless.
KATE: I'm crying.
SARAH: That's just what Dave wants when he shouts.
SARAH: Fucking Dave.
SARAH: He's a real asshole.
SARAH: Chipmunk Protective Services should be called in to do...whatever it is they do.
KATE: He seems like he'd fit in with your family.
SARAH: I bet you dave is taking a HUGE cut from the chipmunk piggy bank
SARAH: Because they are chipmunks and don't understand money.
SARAH: They understand nuts. And let me tell you, nuts are cheap.

And She's Still Talking.

BJ's not going to like this. It's true, though. It's because of his stupid hair.

Sarah's Back.

He is really hot. I can see why someone would want to have lots and lots of his beautiful babies. You have a lot of ridiculously good-looking friends. BJ is not one of them.

Sarah is Moved By Words of Love

Waffles and tears are not appropriate for breakfast...

But it's lunchtime now.