Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We Should Not Own Such Large Water Bottles.

Why do we drink so much water? I bet it's because we have diabetes. Or I have diabetes. You're probably just thirsty.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Introducing: Flaky Cat Lady (Sarah Hates All Her Coworkers)

Where the hell is Ollie’s time machine? I need it to make this day over SHUT UP FLAKY CAT LADY

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND FULL OF VODKA, FLAKY CAT LADY, PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem, Part II

I have been amazing today.

Also, I have drank so much water today that I can switch to vodka when I get home. I like my justification of things. I don’t need anyone to try to convince me otherwise. Drinking water all day allows you to drink vodka all night. Or at least until you pass out. One or the other. Something like that.

OMG TIME PLZ TO MOVE FORWARD.

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem

SARAH: 2 big bottles of water down. Totes going to pee myself.
SARAH: Fact - I have gone pee so many times today that I forgot how to wash my hands.
SARAH: Really.
SARAH: I went to the bathroom, went to the sink, got my hands wet…and then stood there for a moment, thinking about what my next action should be. So I got some paper towels to dry off my hands and I realized that I forgot soap. So I got my hands all wet all over again and used soap this time and then dried them off.
SARAH: Do not let me drink so much water during the day JESUS HOW IS IT ONLY 4 PM WHY IS TIME STANDING STILL
KATE: It's official. You have drowned your brain.

The Magic of Turfucken

SARAH: When I laugh, it hurts my back.
SARAH: My back is all sorts of fucken broken.
SARAH: Turfucken.
SARAH: That’s never not going to be funny.

Editor's Note: Turfucken.

We made up a new word. A disgruntled e-mail arrived and included the phrase "fucken politics." We decided that "fucken" was a combination of "fuck" and "chicken." We then decided that it was like a turducken, which is a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey. And then we invented "turfucken." And then we realized we needed to be able to use "turfucken" in a sentence, so here it is:

"Oh, I would, but I'm not up turfucken tonight."

Sarah on Medication, Continued

B2 often threatens to shove his size 13 boot up Ollie’s shitass, but he never does it.

That cat has more enemies than friends. Also, I had to fight him off with a cardboard box last night, because he was trying to bite me. I won’t have that shit.

Introducing: Flour Face.

Flour Face is all ilke, “MY DAD HAS A GARDEN. MY DAD HAS APPLE TREES. MY DAD GROWS FRUIT.”

Fine. See if I bring you fuckers any fruit. You’ve lost your fruit privileges. I’m going to eat all the blueberries without you. I’m going to bring in a dozen blueberry muffins and eat them all myself. Whorebags.

And I’m going to shout ‘OH MAN, THESE MUFFINS ARE AMAZING. I WISH I HAD SOME FRIENDS TO SHARE THESE MUFFINS WITH”

Then I’ll sing the Jack Johnson sharing song about how it’s always more fun to share with everyone except I’ll change the words to “I WON’T SHARE WITH EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BITCHES BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE, THEY JUST CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY”

That might be too long though.

...Also, I just drooled all over my hand and I’m not sure how that happened. My mouth wasn’t even open, I don’t think.

The World Makes Sense When Sarah is On Medication

SARAH: Oh man, Ollie was such a little bastard last night. He ran up to my mom and bit her and my mom claimed he bit her because he was not getting enough socialization. She is in denial. Very, very, very deep denial.
KATE: I just figured out who Ollie reminds me of: Dudley Dursley. And your mom is Petunia and she thinks her fat bastard can do no wrong but really he is an awful awful creature and terrorizes everyone. Which would make you (and everyone else) Harry Potter. But mostly you, because your mom is mean to you.
SARAH: Oh  man.  But I’m not going to Hogwarts.  I bet it’s because that bastard Ollie ate the owl before it got to me to give me my letter. Even though Ollie wasn’t even born when I would have been of the appropriate age to go to Hogwarts.  Ollie’s mom wasn’t even born then.  So…maybe not.
SARAH: But Ollie is so evil, I bet he made a time machine and went back to the past and told them to eat my letter from the Hogwarts owl and then Nellie (who was before Ollie and just as mean) ate the Hogwarts owl and in the end, Ollie wins.
SARAH: I just spent some time coming up with that scenario.  I think I need help.  Anti-inflammatory drugs have gone to my brain.
KATE: Wow. Yes. You do need help. But don't get too much help because then you won't be funny.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Kate Went on Vacation.

Dear Dublin -

If you do not return Kates to me promptly, I'm going to come over to Ireland and take her back. Do you know why? BECAUSE SHE IS MY SOUPSNAKE AND I WILL NOT SHARE HER. Unless you find someone else for me to have in my life constantly. You know how when a dog takes a toy it's not supposed to have and then you have to bribe it with something else to get the thing that you want back? That's what you're going to have to do.

Wow, worst analogy ever.

Love,
Sarah

Like Your Mother Didn't Know.

I should go to the post office tomorrow during lunch. We need to remember to make out checks for April rent. I will do that tonight when I get back to the house. Look at me, doing stuff. Doing stuff...in the future.

In the future, no one wears pants.

The Trials and Tribulations of Knowing You Have Corn Dogs in the Freezer at Home

Suddenly, even though I've eaten lunch, I have a NEED for a corn dog. A MIGHTY NEED FOR A CORN DOG. Man, sometimes we are so white trash I can't barely stand us.

Sarah Makes a Friend

SARAH: So I work with this sweet guy and I want him to be my friend
SARAH: So I'm going to threaten to add him as a friend on Facebook.
KATE: It's not really much of a threat. I mean, I'm glad you're my friend. I don't find it to be a punishment.
SARAH: Of course you’re going to say that being my friend isn’t a punishment. I know where you live and sleep and eat.

She's Still Stapling

SARAH: I’m on my 4th thing of staples and not even close to finished. Stapling stapling.

some time later

SARAH: Still stapling

some time later

SARAH: I’m going to be stapling until my hand falls off. Still stapling. Still doing it. There is nothing else for me to do but staple. I would shank someone for any other kind of work at this point.

some time later

SARAH: I never want to see a staple again.

some time later

SARAH: Totally going to have to have reconstructive surgery on my staplin’ hand.

some time later

SARAH: Kill me.

Workman's Comp Hasn't Yet Kicked In, or, Sarah Starts Her New Job

SARAH: Oh my god I'm going to be stapling until I DIE
SARAH: Stapling stapling stapling
SARAH: You know how people get tennis elbow? I’m going to get stapling hand.
KATE: Don't get stapling hand. That's the least glamorous work-related injury I've ever heard of.
SARAH: No, some sort of STD would be the least glamorous work-related injury. Tootin’ ain’t easy.
KATE: Ohhhhhhhhh dear.
SARAH: Last week I took two birth control pills by mistake and nearly gave myself an accidental abortion.
KATE: You're not having sex.
SARAH: I know, but still.