Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Could I Have Been Any Other Hamster Than Me?
Sometimes, I think it would be awesome to be a small animal, because then regular food would be HUGE and who doesn’t want to eat a HUGE PIECE OF POPCORN? Then I remember that I would be a small animal and someone would probably step on me. Or Ollie would eat me out of spite.
The Cute Guy Comes to Clean the Office Aquarium. Sarah Has a Plan.
Maybe you should tell the cute guy that you are part mermaid…and wouldn’t he like to see which part? And then you say WE HAS KISSY FACES and then whoo! Kate has kissy faces.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Sarah Howser, MD and Revisionist
SARAH: If your doctor says that he can’t do anything else, you say thank you, you get your records and you see another doctor and you get answers.
SARAH: Did we give up after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? NO!
KATE: When exactly did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor?
KATE: I am laughing so hard I'm crying and the interns are staring at me.
SARAH: They bombed Pearl Harbor in 1857, because they had secret plane technology that we didn’t know about.
SARAH: This before we even knew Hawaii existed.
SARAH: TRICKY GERMANS
SARAH: Did we give up after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? NO!
KATE: When exactly did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor?
KATE: I am laughing so hard I'm crying and the interns are staring at me.
SARAH: They bombed Pearl Harbor in 1857, because they had secret plane technology that we didn’t know about.
SARAH: This before we even knew Hawaii existed.
SARAH: TRICKY GERMANS
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sarah Takes A Practical Approach to Pets
SARAH:The adorable dog that I love from the shelter has an application in. I want it to not be that way – but I can’t possibly take her home.
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds.
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her.
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate. She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME. She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine. Also, chicken butt.
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds.
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her.
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate. She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME. She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine. Also, chicken butt.
Oh. That Kind of Day.
Do you know what kind of day it has been? The kind of day where I went to pull up my shirt because it was falling down and I punched myself in the face.
THAT KIND OF DAY.
THAT KIND OF DAY.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The Return of Owl City
SARAH: I'm not saying it's your fault
SARAH: But now I have Owl City stuck in my head
KATE: Goddamn bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: I'm going to march to his shitty house in Minnesota or wherever the fuck he lives and beat him with his bleep blop machine
SARAH: But now I have Owl City stuck in my head
KATE: Goddamn bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: I'm going to march to his shitty house in Minnesota or wherever the fuck he lives and beat him with his bleep blop machine
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I'm Telling You, the Cat is Pure Evil
SARAH: Maybe I should get Ollie a squeaky toy. It would sound like him rolling over a mouse.
SARAH: Because he is Voldemort.
KATE: If I hadn't met Ollie, I wouldn't believe that a cat could do that. But I have, and yes, such a ridiculous thing is not only possible but likely. A-mazing. That has to be the best thing that cat has ever done.
SARAH: Once he had his claws out and smacked my neanderthal ex-boyfriend in the junk. That was also amazing.
KATE: That's right! If only we had this all on video, we could do a highlights reel. Oh well. I really don't want to see neanderthal junk anyway.
KATE: Ugh.
SARAH: And then, if we did a highlights reel, Ollie would wait until we were sleeping and slit our throats with his claws. He would waddle to Cupcake Land and pick our lock with his claws and then he would open the door (because he’s just about figured out how to do that) and he would come and find us.
SARAH: And then eat Angela and Phyllis for good measure.
KATE: No way, man. If we did a highlights reel Ollie would get lawyers and sue us. And THEN he'd kill us and our pets in our sleep.
SARAH: I like to imagine fat Ollie smashing his paws on the phone trying to call some lawyers.
SARAH: Because he is Voldemort.
KATE: If I hadn't met Ollie, I wouldn't believe that a cat could do that. But I have, and yes, such a ridiculous thing is not only possible but likely. A-mazing. That has to be the best thing that cat has ever done.
SARAH: Once he had his claws out and smacked my neanderthal ex-boyfriend in the junk. That was also amazing.
KATE: That's right! If only we had this all on video, we could do a highlights reel. Oh well. I really don't want to see neanderthal junk anyway.
KATE: Ugh.
SARAH: And then, if we did a highlights reel, Ollie would wait until we were sleeping and slit our throats with his claws. He would waddle to Cupcake Land and pick our lock with his claws and then he would open the door (because he’s just about figured out how to do that) and he would come and find us.
SARAH: And then eat Angela and Phyllis for good measure.
KATE: No way, man. If we did a highlights reel Ollie would get lawyers and sue us. And THEN he'd kill us and our pets in our sleep.
SARAH: I like to imagine fat Ollie smashing his paws on the phone trying to call some lawyers.
Texts from Sarah: Demon Cat Edition
Ollie is rolling in the grass and every time he rolls I hear a squeaking sound...I'm pretty sure he's crushing a field mouse to death with his fat ass.
Cat Pot Calling Cat Kettle Cat Black
SARAH: FLAKY CAT LADY I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND
SARAH: She’s all like “I thought I was crazy because I didn’t see that link on there”
SARAH: LISTEN. YOU ARE CRAZY. LINK OR NOT, YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU HAVE FACEBOOK FOR YOUR CAT
KATE: Doesn't Ollie have a facebook?
KATE: Just saying.
SARAH: Ollie has catbook. Which is facebook for cats. There is a difference. Also, you will notice that I don’t write on my own wall, pretending to be Ollie. Nor have I updated catbook since I was in college.
SARAH: But Flaky Cat Lady’s cat? Her cat updates its status. The cat. Updates. Its status.
SARAH: She’s all like “I thought I was crazy because I didn’t see that link on there”
SARAH: LISTEN. YOU ARE CRAZY. LINK OR NOT, YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU HAVE FACEBOOK FOR YOUR CAT
KATE: Doesn't Ollie have a facebook?
KATE: Just saying.
SARAH: Ollie has catbook. Which is facebook for cats. There is a difference. Also, you will notice that I don’t write on my own wall, pretending to be Ollie. Nor have I updated catbook since I was in college.
SARAH: But Flaky Cat Lady’s cat? Her cat updates its status. The cat. Updates. Its status.
Sarah Abides
It's 2: 24. 2:24!! Know what makes me sad? Numbers have no capitals. Saying TWO TWENTY-FOUR is not the same. Numbers need capitals. Sarah has spoken.
The History of Anything, I Say
KATE: Google says: "Vet Scopes Affordable Yes - 8mm 150cm Endoscopes New Veterinary Endoscopy Systems"
KATE: Google thinks maybe you and I are going to be doing some mobile veterinary medicine.
KATE: That's sweet of you to think, Google, but it's going to be more like "mobile margarita medicine."
SARAH: I like the idea of mobile margarita medicine. We have the best ideas. And Stephanie is going to make us dinner!
KATE: Actually, dinner's pretty much made (hello crockpot). So we should have a lovely evening.
SARAH: Whatever. The fact that it’s basically made means there is more time for drinking. And that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard EVER in the history of ANYTHING
KATE: Google thinks maybe you and I are going to be doing some mobile veterinary medicine.
KATE: That's sweet of you to think, Google, but it's going to be more like "mobile margarita medicine."
SARAH: I like the idea of mobile margarita medicine. We have the best ideas. And Stephanie is going to make us dinner!
KATE: Actually, dinner's pretty much made (hello crockpot). So we should have a lovely evening.
SARAH: Whatever. The fact that it’s basically made means there is more time for drinking. And that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard EVER in the history of ANYTHING
Taxonomy 101 With Kate and Sarah
SARAH: I just ate about 4 pounds of melon, so I should be good for a while.
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.
SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening.
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot.
SARAH: Peepot. YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.
SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening.
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot.
SARAH: Peepot. YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.
Sometimes Kate Hates Things Too
SARAH: (looking at a friend's wedding photos) I really love that dress. That’s the sort of dress that I think I want. Except I would look like a cow and not as delicate as she does.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.
Sarah Plays with Dolls in Royal Fashion
KATE: Look what I found for you! It's Anne Boleyn!
SARAH: Unless her head comes off, I don't want it.
Sarah is Weary of Toil
SARAH: This is so much work. This is like the neverending project. I’m friggin’ Sisyphus over here. Why? Maybe I need Red Bull. I heard it gives you wings.
KATE: Yes. No to the Red Bull, but yes to the Sisyphus.
SARAH: Damn it. My life as a Greek myth.
SARAH: Scott Baio ruins everything.
KATE: Yes. No to the Red Bull, but yes to the Sisyphus.
SARAH: Damn it. My life as a Greek myth.
SARAH: Scott Baio ruins everything.
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