SARAH: Maybe I will show up on Tuesday just to wow your friend.
SARAH: And you know, give him the best wedding present ever - my existence.
NEW MANFRIEND: Will your ego fit into your dress on Saturday?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Valid Questions, All
NEW MANFRIEND: I never slept with a girl in a dirty frat-house bedroom.
SARAH: Did you sleep with boys in a dirty frat-house bedroom?
NEW MANFRIEND: No.
SARAH: What about ponies?
SARAH: Did you sleep with boys in a dirty frat-house bedroom?
NEW MANFRIEND: No.
SARAH: What about ponies?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Man's Slippery Best Friend
SARAH: Duke drooled all over the floor.
SARAH: My dad asks why it's all wet.
SARAH: Deadpan, my mom says, "Spittles."
SARAH: Like that would be so obvious.
SARAH: Duke was like, drooling for the sake of it.
KATE: Don't hounds drool like a whole lot?
KATE: Isn't that one of their primary exports? Drool?
SARAH: Yeah, kinda. But it was coming out of both sides of his mouth and it was just…ew. Duke. Gross.
KATE: Your mom really comes out of left field sometimes.
SARAH: That’s when I like my mom.
SARAH: When she’s funny and yells at the cars in front of her that aren’t turning right on red and tells them to shit or get off the pot.
KATE: Spittles.
SARAH: Not to be confused with Skittles.
SARAH: Taste the rainbow.
SARAH: Of drool.
SARAH: On the floor.
SARAH: My dad asks why it's all wet.
SARAH: Deadpan, my mom says, "Spittles."
SARAH: Like that would be so obvious.
SARAH: Duke was like, drooling for the sake of it.
KATE: Don't hounds drool like a whole lot?
KATE: Isn't that one of their primary exports? Drool?
SARAH: Yeah, kinda. But it was coming out of both sides of his mouth and it was just…ew. Duke. Gross.
KATE: Your mom really comes out of left field sometimes.
SARAH: That’s when I like my mom.
SARAH: When she’s funny and yells at the cars in front of her that aren’t turning right on red and tells them to shit or get off the pot.
KATE: Spittles.
SARAH: Not to be confused with Skittles.
SARAH: Taste the rainbow.
SARAH: Of drool.
SARAH: On the floor.
It's Not Just Sarah (Texts From Sarah)
My dad was just wandering around the kitchen singing "Toot toot! Uh-huh. Beep beep! Uh-huh"
And Many More...
SARAH: OMG Guess what my dad did for my mom's birthday.
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
The Queen of Hearts
SARAH: Well, he’s a lover and not a fighter.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.
Never Forget.
SARAH: So what’s Fancy Lady doing on her date tonight?
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.
You Can Check Out Any Time You Like But You Can Never Leave
SARAH: And then we ventured into Chelsea and the meatpacking district.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.
The New Puppy, AKA The Doodie
SARAH: The doodie needs to get trained on the invisible fence.
SARAH: The doodie isn’t smart and makes terrible horrible noises when he gets shocked.
SARAH: I tell doodie that it’s okay when he’s in the middle of the yard.
SARAH: He just shouldn’t go near the sides.
SARAH: Like Operation.
KATE: And I'm sure if you explain it to him that way he'll understand completely.
SARAH: Well, we normally talk about all sorts of profound things over breakfast, except when he’s sleeping or chewing on his nuts. So.
SARAH: It wouldn’t be too far-fetched.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
SARAH: Happens.
SARAH: The doodie isn’t smart and makes terrible horrible noises when he gets shocked.
SARAH: I tell doodie that it’s okay when he’s in the middle of the yard.
SARAH: He just shouldn’t go near the sides.
SARAH: Like Operation.
KATE: And I'm sure if you explain it to him that way he'll understand completely.
SARAH: Well, we normally talk about all sorts of profound things over breakfast, except when he’s sleeping or chewing on his nuts. So.
SARAH: It wouldn’t be too far-fetched.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
SARAH: Happens.
The Summer When Dreams Come True (A Letter from Sarah)
Dearest, Most Lovely Starshine,
I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.
And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.
WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.
It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.
Love,
Sarah
I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.
And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.
WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.
It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.
Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Sarah Has a Good Day
SARAH: I love you. I love everything right now.
KATE: Yes, I imagine you do.
KATE: I love you too, dear.
KATE: We're just like Walter and Perry.
KATE: Time has now stopped.
KATE: Come on, Wednesday. You were doing so well.
SARAH: Probably because we’ve weighed down the world with so much gay that it can no longer move.
KATE: Yes, I imagine you do.
KATE: I love you too, dear.
KATE: We're just like Walter and Perry.
KATE: Time has now stopped.
KATE: Come on, Wednesday. You were doing so well.
SARAH: Probably because we’ve weighed down the world with so much gay that it can no longer move.
A Little Extra Barf and Gay
SARAH: I still think of some of your poems as the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Don't Keep Your Recipes Alphabetized and This Won't Happen
SARAH: We are having chicken in a pot tonight for dinner.
SARAH: Tell me something.
SARAH: How does my family exist? I still don’t understand.
SARAH: They are all completely mental.
KATE: Oh NO. Not chicken shit pot!
KATE: Can you do us all a favor? Make sure your mom actually cooks it this time?
KATE: And if not, make sure somebody throws it out?
KATE: ::shudder::
SARAH: No no – not chicken shit pot. Chicken IN a pot.
SARAH: I made it for you once. You liked it. You know, with the orzo?
SARAH: God, no one PLANS chicken shit pot
SARAH: Tell me something.
SARAH: How does my family exist? I still don’t understand.
SARAH: They are all completely mental.
KATE: Oh NO. Not chicken shit pot!
KATE: Can you do us all a favor? Make sure your mom actually cooks it this time?
KATE: And if not, make sure somebody throws it out?
KATE: ::shudder::
SARAH: No no – not chicken shit pot. Chicken IN a pot.
SARAH: I made it for you once. You liked it. You know, with the orzo?
SARAH: God, no one PLANS chicken shit pot
Jiminy Kate Is At It Again
SARAH: You ruin everything.
SARAH: You’re the goddamn Scott Baio to my life.
SARAH: #scottbaioruinseverything
KATE: I'm going to go cry Scott Baio tears now.
KATE: Sob Loblaw lobs sob bomb.
SARAH: You’re the goddamn Scott Baio to my life.
SARAH: #scottbaioruinseverything
KATE: I'm going to go cry Scott Baio tears now.
KATE: Sob Loblaw lobs sob bomb.
Silly New Manfriend.
SARAH: He thinks that every thing I do is reasonable which is BAD and DANGEROUS idea.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.
Storm Season's A-Comin'.
SARAH: Apparently on Saturday I drunkenly (and correctly) told New Manfriend that his pretty perfect friend is one of those girls that I really don’t like.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.
Sarah Was a Wee Bit Tipsy on Saturday
SARAH: One of New Manfriend’s friends just sent me a friend request on Facebook
SARAH: I asked New Manfriend who she was and he told me I talked to her for a while on Saturday night.
SARAH: YEAH, NO MEMORY OF THAT.
SARAH: But apparently she liked me. As she should.
SARAH: But I have no memory of talking to her.
SARAH: Therefore? We’re not going to be friends on Facebook.
KATE: SARAH HAS SPOKEN.
SARAH: YES I HAVE, YOU BITCHES.
SARAH: I asked New Manfriend who she was and he told me I talked to her for a while on Saturday night.
SARAH: YEAH, NO MEMORY OF THAT.
SARAH: But apparently she liked me. As she should.
SARAH: But I have no memory of talking to her.
SARAH: Therefore? We’re not going to be friends on Facebook.
KATE: SARAH HAS SPOKEN.
SARAH: YES I HAVE, YOU BITCHES.
Checks and Balances at Work
SARAH: (mumbling under her breath) And I’m going to punch you right in your girlface.
SARAH'S COWORKER: You need to take a deep breath and closed your damn eyes…and work for the rest of the day.
SARAH'S COWORKER: Right now.
SARAH'S COWORKER: You need to take a deep breath and closed your damn eyes…and work for the rest of the day.
SARAH'S COWORKER: Right now.
How Things Are
KATE: So he stood her up.
KATE: He called later and said he had forgotten or had the wrong date on his calendar or something.
SARAH: That is bullshit.
SARAH: If someone wants to go out with me, they better be waiting from the moment they ask me until the moment I show up
SARAH: to see my wonderful face and bask in my ever-awesome life.
SARAH: I don't have an ego problem.
KATE: He called later and said he had forgotten or had the wrong date on his calendar or something.
SARAH: That is bullshit.
SARAH: If someone wants to go out with me, they better be waiting from the moment they ask me until the moment I show up
SARAH: to see my wonderful face and bask in my ever-awesome life.
SARAH: I don't have an ego problem.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Pretty Awesome.
SARAH: I think New Manfriend thinks the sun shines out of my butt, so there’s that.
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?
That's What Friends Are For
KATE: You need to get here soon.
KATE: I've been looking at pictures of toddlers and now I want to adopt a child.
KATE: Save me from myself.
SARAH: SHOVEL, KATE. SHOVEL.
KATE: This is why I need you in my life. Thank you.
SARAH: Meanwhile, over here, Sarah is getting mad about yarn.
KATE: I've been looking at pictures of toddlers and now I want to adopt a child.
KATE: Save me from myself.
SARAH: SHOVEL, KATE. SHOVEL.
KATE: This is why I need you in my life. Thank you.
SARAH: Meanwhile, over here, Sarah is getting mad about yarn.
And God Help You If It Isn't Seedless.
SARAH: New Manfriend just told me he’s going to the store tomorrow to get things for his birthday.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.
NSF: Bankrolling Beatings Since 2010
KATE: Look at this.
KATE: Look at the picture on the left.
KATE: Then scroll to the bottom of the page and look at the title of the ACADEMIC PAPER.
SARAH: What is going on here?
SARAH: Does the world only exist inside our heads?
KATE: Look at the picture on the left.
KATE: Then scroll to the bottom of the page and look at the title of the ACADEMIC PAPER.
SARAH: What is going on here?
SARAH: Does the world only exist inside our heads?
The Lexicon Continues to Expand
SARAH: Do you know what a road soder is?
STARSHINE: I do not.
SARAH: A road soder (soda) is a beer.
SARAH: It's a joke in my family.
STARSHINE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SARAH: Going on a long drive? TAKE A ROAD SODER!
SARAH: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE.
STARSHINE: Road soders are good when you're on the train!
SARAH: Oh, Starshine.
SARAH: Those are train soders.
STARSHINE: I do not.
SARAH: A road soder (soda) is a beer.
SARAH: It's a joke in my family.
STARSHINE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SARAH: Going on a long drive? TAKE A ROAD SODER!
SARAH: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE.
STARSHINE: Road soders are good when you're on the train!
SARAH: Oh, Starshine.
SARAH: Those are train soders.
Pop Music, AKA Traumatic Brain Injury
SARAH: I've had Ke$ha stuck in my head ALL DAY over here.
SARAH: It’s much more fun in your head than mine, I think.
SARAH: BLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Duke ran into the wall yesterday.
SARAH: I know how he feels.
SARAH: It’s much more fun in your head than mine, I think.
SARAH: BLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Duke ran into the wall yesterday.
SARAH: I know how he feels.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
She Has a Point (Texts to/from Sarah)
KATE: I'm walking directly behind the human version of Bender Bending Rodriguez.
KATE: Bald head, heavy boots, weirdly dressed, weirdly muscular, smoking a cigar.
SARAH: Was his butt moving without him?
SARAH: Wait a minute.
SARAH: How do you know it wasn't Flexo?
KATE: Bald head, heavy boots, weirdly dressed, weirdly muscular, smoking a cigar.
SARAH: Was his butt moving without him?
SARAH: Wait a minute.
SARAH: How do you know it wasn't Flexo?
As Crime Coiffure Goes, I Guess That's Pretty Efficient.
KATE: Check this out.
KATE: They're calling this guy the Mullet Bandit.
SARAH: It’s workday in the front, bank robbin’ in the back!
KATE: They're calling this guy the Mullet Bandit.
SARAH: It’s workday in the front, bank robbin’ in the back!
Oh, the Crushing.
SARAH: Made the mistake of telling New Manfriend about my demand for nachos.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Texts From Last Night That Will Probably Recur Tonight
(quoted)(925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
KATE: Awww. Like you would ever waste good vodka on a balloon.
KATE: Though if it actually did float it would be a very handy way to carry your drink.
SARAH: Oh man, then I would bring balloons to work every day.
SARAH: Don’t mind me, coworkers. I just wanted an extra bit of cheer in my cube.
SARAH: Y’all can suck it.
KATE: Awww. Like you would ever waste good vodka on a balloon.
KATE: Though if it actually did float it would be a very handy way to carry your drink.
SARAH: Oh man, then I would bring balloons to work every day.
SARAH: Don’t mind me, coworkers. I just wanted an extra bit of cheer in my cube.
SARAH: Y’all can suck it.
She Is Going to Haunt the F*** Out of Us.
SARAH: Fact – going to serve popcorn and vodka at my funeral.
SARAH: Get excited.
SARAH: Get excited.
It's Like Melville Meets Verne...Meets Cosby.
KATE: I got pudding for snack.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.
A few minutes pass.
KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.
A few minutes pass.
KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.
PSA (Popcorn Service Announcement)
SARAH: Just dropped popcorn down my shirt.
SARAH: Just stuck my hand down my shirt to fish it out.
SARAH: At work.
SARAH: HEY EVERYONE I AM CLASSY
SARAH: Just stuck my hand down my shirt to fish it out.
SARAH: At work.
SARAH: HEY EVERYONE I AM CLASSY
We Don't Just Coin Phrases. We Dollar Buck Them.
SARAH: The last email from New Guy told me that people in the room next to his are being very shouty and he wants to shank them.
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?
Sarah Has a Date Tonight
KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.
Duke Is a Special Dog (And You Know What Kind of Special I Mean)
SARAH: I have bruises allllllllllllll over my legs.
SARAH: ALL OVER. From Duke biting me. Like a jerkface.
SARAH: He does this thing now when he’s mad at me that he bows down and makes terrible noises like he’s talking to me.
SARAH: Then he rockets off the couch and tries to knock me down.
SARAH: He only does it with me. I don’t know why he picks on me.
SARAH: Also, when he gets something in his mouth, he prances around with it like “YES LOOK AT ME LOOK WHAT I HAVE”
SARAH: ALL OVER. From Duke biting me. Like a jerkface.
SARAH: He does this thing now when he’s mad at me that he bows down and makes terrible noises like he’s talking to me.
SARAH: Then he rockets off the couch and tries to knock me down.
SARAH: He only does it with me. I don’t know why he picks on me.
SARAH: Also, when he gets something in his mouth, he prances around with it like “YES LOOK AT ME LOOK WHAT I HAVE”
Web M(agical)D(octor)
SARAH: Kates, I would love to shank someone in order to go home and keep on reading Harry Potter.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.
Everybody Wants a Piece of the Unicorn Action.
SARAH: THAT IS COPYRIGHT INFRINGMENT.
SARAH: THOSE BITCHES.
SARAH: BITCH PIGEONS, ALL OF THEM.
We've Started Naming Her Personalities.
SARAH: I like that a separate, even more evil part of me takes over at times.
SARAH: And that part of me cannot be TAMED, MILEY
KATE: Do you have a good side?
SARAH: I guess the good side of me volunteers for shit and loves a few people.
SARAH: She pops up every now and again.
SARAH: She’s like the Groundhog of Goodness--comes out, does some good and then it’s 6 more weeks of evil.
SARAH: And that part of me cannot be TAMED, MILEY
KATE: Do you have a good side?
SARAH: I guess the good side of me volunteers for shit and loves a few people.
SARAH: She pops up every now and again.
SARAH: She’s like the Groundhog of Goodness--comes out, does some good and then it’s 6 more weeks of evil.
Rubble Rouser
SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
That Is One Handsome Melon
SARAH: Eating this honeydew melon.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.
Sarah Has Some Opinions About Things
SARAH: If you want to be a vegan, you shouldn’t be able to exist. End of freakin’ story.
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS
You Tell 'Em.
SARAH: It smells like pizza around here.
SARAH: I'm eating a piece of chocolate.
SARAH: Suck on that, Thursday.
SARAH: I'm eating a piece of chocolate.
SARAH: Suck on that, Thursday.
Duke Finds a Home (in Hell)
SARAH: The vet told my dad that Duke will totally end up being more than 100 pounds
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?
Get On That, Neville
SARAH: I watched the Harry Potter trailer.
SARAH: Made me really happy and then really sad.
SARAH: Because it’s going to be over.
SARAH: And because there’s a giant snake in the damn movie.
SARAH: What am I going to do? I hate snakes.
SARAH: I hate giant ones even more.
SARAH: HOW WILL I WATCH THAT SHIT IN 3D?
SARAH: #firstworldproblems
SARAH: Made me really happy and then really sad.
SARAH: Because it’s going to be over.
SARAH: And because there’s a giant snake in the damn movie.
SARAH: What am I going to do? I hate snakes.
SARAH: I hate giant ones even more.
SARAH: HOW WILL I WATCH THAT SHIT IN 3D?
SARAH: #firstworldproblems
I Believe The Technical Term is Shittrombone
SARAH: Starshine just called someone a shittrumpet.
SARAH: I cannot handle my life
SARAH: I cannot handle my life
Sarah's Family Has a New Dog
SARAH: My mom, to Duke this morning: “We’re going to chop your gonads off at 6 months. To the day. YES WE ARE”
SARAH: My mom was very excited to tell Duke he would not have balls anymore.
SARAH: My mom was very excited to tell Duke he would not have balls anymore.
Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring (Banana Face!)
SARAH: Just told one of my coworkers I was going to punch her in the banana face.
KATE: What does that even mean?
SARAH: She was eating a banana. Thus...banana face.
SARAH: Going to get punched there. And it's going to hurt. Or at least I think it will.
SARAH: That’s what happens when you have a banana face.
KATE: What does that even mean?
SARAH: She was eating a banana. Thus...banana face.
SARAH: Going to get punched there. And it's going to hurt. Or at least I think it will.
SARAH: That’s what happens when you have a banana face.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Second Rule of Best of Sarah
SARAH: You know, I write you dumb things.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.
The First Rule of Best of Sarah is You Don't Talk About Best of Sarah Except Actually You Do.
SARAH: The Frenemy is so wonderful.
SARAH: I wish I could be as awesome as she is.
KATE: You're a real person, so you're already awesomer.
KATE: I mean, you're mostly a real person.
KATE: I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder if you are my Tyler Durden.
SARAH: Yes. I am.
SARAH: All those bruises you have? That’s Sarah Tyler Durden, from the fight clubs I have at night.
SARAH: You’re really talking to yourself right now, not another person.
KATE: I KNEW IT.
KATE: Well, we may as well keep it up. I'm rather enjoying it.
SARAH: Totes fucking mcgoats.
SARAH: I am Kate’s sense of AWESOME and I am TINGLING
SARAH: I wish I could be as awesome as she is.
KATE: You're a real person, so you're already awesomer.
KATE: I mean, you're mostly a real person.
KATE: I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder if you are my Tyler Durden.
SARAH: Yes. I am.
SARAH: All those bruises you have? That’s Sarah Tyler Durden, from the fight clubs I have at night.
SARAH: You’re really talking to yourself right now, not another person.
KATE: I KNEW IT.
KATE: Well, we may as well keep it up. I'm rather enjoying it.
SARAH: Totes fucking mcgoats.
SARAH: I am Kate’s sense of AWESOME and I am TINGLING
Sarah Makes Friends Online
SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sarah Loves Cadbury
Just ate a Cadbury caramel egg and there might have been foil stuck on it and I might have eaten it anyway…but you can’t prove it
Sarah Has a Bad Day
SARAH: Well, I went to the dermatologist this morning because I was like, WHY DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE ASS?
SARAH: And she said, I DON'T KNOW, PUT THIS CREAM ON IT
SARAH: And I don't feel well
SARAH: And also, rain
SARAH: And she said, I DON'T KNOW, PUT THIS CREAM ON IT
SARAH: And I don't feel well
SARAH: And also, rain
Sarah Loves Doctors (and Doctors LOVE Sarah)
SARAH: I'm at the dermatologist's!
SARAH: And I will say, "Why does my face look so terrible?"
SARAH: And she will say, "Well, Sarah, you've got a nasty case of the assface"
SARAH: And I will say, "Why does my face look so terrible?"
SARAH: And she will say, "Well, Sarah, you've got a nasty case of the assface"
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
She's Back in the Game.
SARAH: Now I know why the website is okcupid and not okaycupid.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.
Achilles Has a New Girlfriend...Or So He Claims.
ACHILLES: Pretty much any girl who was nice to me and threw herself on me would have succeeded.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.
Achilles Has No Hair. Sarah Is Very Sympathetic.
SARAH: Achilles and I are arguing…about why I wear makeup to work.
SARAH: I bet he’s jealous. He wants to feel like a pretty pretty princess too. SARAH: He’s jealous of my long hair.
SARAH: I should brush it next time he’s around and shout MAN THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE HAVING HAIR
SARAH: I bet he’s jealous. He wants to feel like a pretty pretty princess too. SARAH: He’s jealous of my long hair.
SARAH: I should brush it next time he’s around and shout MAN THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE HAVING HAIR
How About A Tea Party in Your Trousers?
SARAH: ANTS IN MY PANTS, GET OUT.
SARAH: THIS IS NO PLACE FOR AN ANT FARM.
KATE: Sarah is the #1 exporter of snot rockets from the nation of Kate.
KATE: I just did it again. Or rather, you just made me do it again.
KATE: You're right, though. Get out of there, ants.
SARAH: Seriously, I don’t even know how the ants got in there.
SARAH: I am not having a picnic in my pants.
SARAH: THIS IS NO PLACE FOR AN ANT FARM.
KATE: Sarah is the #1 exporter of snot rockets from the nation of Kate.
KATE: I just did it again. Or rather, you just made me do it again.
KATE: You're right, though. Get out of there, ants.
SARAH: Seriously, I don’t even know how the ants got in there.
SARAH: I am not having a picnic in my pants.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Every Receptacle Is Exactly the Same
SARAH: I do not have plans on Sunday, other than to wallow in a puddle of tears.
SARAH: I KID. It won’t be a puddle.
SARAH: It will be a bathtub.
KATE: There's a Dethklok song called "Briefcase Full of Guts."
KATE: That's kind of like a bathtub full of tears.
KATE: And you can't forget "Suitcase Full of Vomit."
SARAH: That’s right. Suitcase full of vomit. Briefcase full of guts.
SARAH: Hatbox full of underarm sweat.
SARAH: It’s all the same.
SARAH: I KID. It won’t be a puddle.
SARAH: It will be a bathtub.
KATE: There's a Dethklok song called "Briefcase Full of Guts."
KATE: That's kind of like a bathtub full of tears.
KATE: And you can't forget "Suitcase Full of Vomit."
SARAH: That’s right. Suitcase full of vomit. Briefcase full of guts.
SARAH: Hatbox full of underarm sweat.
SARAH: It’s all the same.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thank Goodness.
SARAH: French Fry Heaven is following me on Twitter.
SARAH: Happy days are here again!
SARAH: Happy days are here again!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Last Year We Had a Pet Fish Named Chuck Norris. Sarah Killed Him.
SARAH: Just told 21 about Chuck Norris the betta fish.
SARAH: I haven't told him how he died yet.
SARAH: How did Chuck Norris die?
SARAH: OH, I JUST LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN AND HE FROZE TO DEATH AND GOT ALL BLOATED AND I MADE KATE FLUSH HIM
KATE: Poor Chuck Norris. We should have known he would be no match for you.
SARAH: That’s right. I have bested Chuck Norris.
SARAH: Some might argue that the weather did, but we know that I feed Pudge the Fish.
SARAH: And he controls the weather.
SARAH: So I, in fact, used the weather CONTROLLED BY A FISH, to kill Chuck Norris, WHO IS A PERSON AND A FISH.
SARAH: BOOM. ROASTED
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sarah's Grandma Is a Total Rockstar From Mars
SARAH: Fact – my grandma quoted Charlie Sheen today.
SARAH: She said something about tiger blood in her veins.
SARAH: And then said DUH WINNING
SARAH: My grandma is the coolest person ever.
SARAH: SHE’S ON A DRUG CALLED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ALSO CRAZY ITALIAN GRANDMA
SARAH: She said something about tiger blood in her veins.
SARAH: And then said DUH WINNING
SARAH: My grandma is the coolest person ever.
SARAH: SHE’S ON A DRUG CALLED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ALSO CRAZY ITALIAN GRANDMA
Extremely Special Olympics
SARAH: B1 was on a roll yesterday during speed skating.
SARAH: He got put in time out because he was cursing.
SARAH: He’s not supposed to be doing that, apparently.
SARAH: Oh! And I forgot to tell you!
SARAH: We were cheering for him and shouting and making all the noise that we do and we distracted one of the other athletes and he almost skated into the wall and then B1 passed him.
SARAH: It’s our new way of helping B1 win.
SARAH: He got put in time out because he was cursing.
SARAH: He’s not supposed to be doing that, apparently.
SARAH: Oh! And I forgot to tell you!
SARAH: We were cheering for him and shouting and making all the noise that we do and we distracted one of the other athletes and he almost skated into the wall and then B1 passed him.
SARAH: It’s our new way of helping B1 win.
Not All Babies Are Ugly Babies
OMG that kid is so cute, you have to wear some sort of suit around her. Because otherwise you might die from the cuteness.
Five Rings Might Be Too Many
Yesterday was Special Olympics speed skating. B1 told us he’s retiring next year and going to drive the zamboni instead.
Co-Dependent? More Like Awesome-Dependent.
KATE: I mentioned you a few times last night. I did not start shouting about how amazing you are, so I think that was pretty smart of me.
SARAH: It’s kind of hard to resist shouting about you. I have that issue sometimes.
SARAH: And by sometimes, I mean all the time.
SARAH: It’s kind of hard to resist shouting about you. I have that issue sometimes.
SARAH: And by sometimes, I mean all the time.
It's True. Check Your Clock.
SARAH: ALMOST SNACK TIME OVER UP IN THIS BITCH OVER THERE POSSIBLY BEHIND SOMETHING.
SARAH: I have no idea what that means. But I said it.
SARAH: I could have deleted it.
SARAH: But I didn’t.
SARAH: I have no idea what that means. But I said it.
SARAH: I could have deleted it.
SARAH: But I didn’t.
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back On the Internet
KATE: WHOA. My planets just collided. LiLu just reblogged BJ on Tumblr.
KATE: What is going on?
SARAH: WHAT.
SARAH: WHAT.
SARAH: BJ DOES NOT EXIST HE IS NOT REAL
KATE: What is going on?
SARAH: WHAT.
SARAH: WHAT.
SARAH: BJ DOES NOT EXIST HE IS NOT REAL
She's Not Wrong.
SARAH: Still digging out from all my emails.
SARAH: It probably doesn’t help that I have some serious ADD right now.
SARAH: OMG BREAD IS SO GOOD.
SARAH: It probably doesn’t help that I have some serious ADD right now.
SARAH: OMG BREAD IS SO GOOD.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Apropos of Nothing (So Far As I Can Tell, Anyway)
SARAH: Just shouted “BIRD” (like Bambi) and drooled on my desk.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: Acceptance
SARAH: Kate. Can I tell you something?
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.
She Blinded Me with {A Beaker Full of Acid}
SARAH: Maybe I should be a scientist.
KATE: It's not too late to change careers.
KATE: Just order a lab coat on eBay and BAM you're a scientist.
SARAH: I already have the glasses.
SARAH: And I’m really good at shouting SCIENCE!
SARAH: I bet that’s a test you have to take to be a scientist.
SARAH: Can you shout it?
SARAH: You’re in.
KATE: It's not too late to change careers.
KATE: Just order a lab coat on eBay and BAM you're a scientist.
SARAH: I already have the glasses.
SARAH: And I’m really good at shouting SCIENCE!
SARAH: I bet that’s a test you have to take to be a scientist.
SARAH: Can you shout it?
SARAH: You’re in.
The Shouty Menagerie
KATE THEY FOUND A BOA CONSTRICTOR ON THE T IN BOSTON THERE IS NOTHING SAFE ANYMORE. NOT EVEN TRAINS.
SNAKES ON TRAINS! ELEPHANTS ON A BOX TRUCK!
SNAKES ON TRAINS! ELEPHANTS ON A BOX TRUCK!
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued Further
SARAH: PLEASE STOP BURNING ARMPITS
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued
SARAH: SWEET DUMBLEDORE ARMPITS, WHY?
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.
A few minutes pass.
SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.
A few minutes pass.
SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution
SARAH: Kateeeeeee
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.
In Case You Weren't Already Hearing Circus Music In Your Head
SARAH: I asked my dad if he could change my oil in my car today.
SARAH: He said sure, just leave it at home and I'll do it.
SARAH: So I left it at home.
SARAH: Instead of doing it himself, he brought it to the dealership to get an oil change, which is fine...
SARAH: But now B2 is texting me and telling me I need to go and pick it up.
SARAH: I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, since I drove a car to work and I don’t think I can drive 2 cars at once.
SARAH: I mean, maybe I can.
SARAH: But probably not.
KATE: The idea of you driving two cars at once is cracking me up.
KATE: You're like on two chariots and the horses are running in opposite directions.
KATE: I just had to pause for a moment to try to remember if chariots were pulled by horses or something else.
KATE: Yep, it's one of those days.
SARAH: PIGS. They're pulled by PIGS.
SARAH: He said sure, just leave it at home and I'll do it.
SARAH: So I left it at home.
SARAH: Instead of doing it himself, he brought it to the dealership to get an oil change, which is fine...
SARAH: But now B2 is texting me and telling me I need to go and pick it up.
SARAH: I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, since I drove a car to work and I don’t think I can drive 2 cars at once.
SARAH: I mean, maybe I can.
SARAH: But probably not.
KATE: The idea of you driving two cars at once is cracking me up.
KATE: You're like on two chariots and the horses are running in opposite directions.
KATE: I just had to pause for a moment to try to remember if chariots were pulled by horses or something else.
KATE: Yep, it's one of those days.
SARAH: PIGS. They're pulled by PIGS.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution Fails
SARAH: Guess who’s back!?
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.
I Almost Feel Bad for Demon Cat Sometimes
SARAH: My mom yelled at Ollie this morning because Ollie does not want to poop in the litter box.
SARAH: She kept on saying, “YOU POOP IN HERE,” and shaking him.
SARAH: He’s like a martini.
SARAH: A poop martini.
SARAH: She kept on saying, “YOU POOP IN HERE,” and shaking him.
SARAH: He’s like a martini.
SARAH: A poop martini.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution, Continued
SARAH: So I don’t think I’m as sweaty with this boy deodorant one, which is good.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution
EDITOR'S NOTE: The "prescription" turned out to be "wear men's deodorant." The first prescription, that is. Read on...
SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?
SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.
SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?
SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.
(Editor's Note) The Pits of Freedom Saga: Prologue
A few weeks ago, Sarah started sweating. Profusely. So much so that she was first embarrassed, then concerned. She asked her mother, who is a horrible person but also a nurse, what to do. Later that day, her mother sent her an e-mail that read, simply:
I have a prescription for your problem
This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.
I have a prescription for your problem
This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.
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