Monday, February 14, 2011
Apropos of Nothing (So Far As I Can Tell, Anyway)
SARAH: Just shouted “BIRD” (like Bambi) and drooled on my desk.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: Acceptance
SARAH: Kate. Can I tell you something?
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.
She Blinded Me with {A Beaker Full of Acid}
SARAH: Maybe I should be a scientist.
KATE: It's not too late to change careers.
KATE: Just order a lab coat on eBay and BAM you're a scientist.
SARAH: I already have the glasses.
SARAH: And I’m really good at shouting SCIENCE!
SARAH: I bet that’s a test you have to take to be a scientist.
SARAH: Can you shout it?
SARAH: You’re in.
KATE: It's not too late to change careers.
KATE: Just order a lab coat on eBay and BAM you're a scientist.
SARAH: I already have the glasses.
SARAH: And I’m really good at shouting SCIENCE!
SARAH: I bet that’s a test you have to take to be a scientist.
SARAH: Can you shout it?
SARAH: You’re in.
The Shouty Menagerie
KATE THEY FOUND A BOA CONSTRICTOR ON THE T IN BOSTON THERE IS NOTHING SAFE ANYMORE. NOT EVEN TRAINS.
SNAKES ON TRAINS! ELEPHANTS ON A BOX TRUCK!
SNAKES ON TRAINS! ELEPHANTS ON A BOX TRUCK!
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued Further
SARAH: PLEASE STOP BURNING ARMPITS
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued
SARAH: SWEET DUMBLEDORE ARMPITS, WHY?
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.
A few minutes pass.
SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.
A few minutes pass.
SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution
SARAH: Kateeeeeee
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.
In Case You Weren't Already Hearing Circus Music In Your Head
SARAH: I asked my dad if he could change my oil in my car today.
SARAH: He said sure, just leave it at home and I'll do it.
SARAH: So I left it at home.
SARAH: Instead of doing it himself, he brought it to the dealership to get an oil change, which is fine...
SARAH: But now B2 is texting me and telling me I need to go and pick it up.
SARAH: I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, since I drove a car to work and I don’t think I can drive 2 cars at once.
SARAH: I mean, maybe I can.
SARAH: But probably not.
KATE: The idea of you driving two cars at once is cracking me up.
KATE: You're like on two chariots and the horses are running in opposite directions.
KATE: I just had to pause for a moment to try to remember if chariots were pulled by horses or something else.
KATE: Yep, it's one of those days.
SARAH: PIGS. They're pulled by PIGS.
SARAH: He said sure, just leave it at home and I'll do it.
SARAH: So I left it at home.
SARAH: Instead of doing it himself, he brought it to the dealership to get an oil change, which is fine...
SARAH: But now B2 is texting me and telling me I need to go and pick it up.
SARAH: I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, since I drove a car to work and I don’t think I can drive 2 cars at once.
SARAH: I mean, maybe I can.
SARAH: But probably not.
KATE: The idea of you driving two cars at once is cracking me up.
KATE: You're like on two chariots and the horses are running in opposite directions.
KATE: I just had to pause for a moment to try to remember if chariots were pulled by horses or something else.
KATE: Yep, it's one of those days.
SARAH: PIGS. They're pulled by PIGS.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution Fails
SARAH: Guess who’s back!?
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.
I Almost Feel Bad for Demon Cat Sometimes
SARAH: My mom yelled at Ollie this morning because Ollie does not want to poop in the litter box.
SARAH: She kept on saying, “YOU POOP IN HERE,” and shaking him.
SARAH: He’s like a martini.
SARAH: A poop martini.
SARAH: She kept on saying, “YOU POOP IN HERE,” and shaking him.
SARAH: He’s like a martini.
SARAH: A poop martini.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution, Continued
SARAH: So I don’t think I’m as sweaty with this boy deodorant one, which is good.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution
EDITOR'S NOTE: The "prescription" turned out to be "wear men's deodorant." The first prescription, that is. Read on...
SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?
SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.
SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?
SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.
(Editor's Note) The Pits of Freedom Saga: Prologue
A few weeks ago, Sarah started sweating. Profusely. So much so that she was first embarrassed, then concerned. She asked her mother, who is a horrible person but also a nurse, what to do. Later that day, her mother sent her an e-mail that read, simply:
I have a prescription for your problem
This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.
I have a prescription for your problem
This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.
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