Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Texts From Last Night That Will Probably Recur Tonight

(quoted)(925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
KATE: Awww. Like you would ever waste good vodka on a balloon.
KATE: Though if it actually did float it would be a very handy way to carry your drink.
SARAH: Oh man, then I would bring balloons to work every day.
SARAH: Don’t mind me, coworkers. I just wanted an extra bit of cheer in my cube.
SARAH: Y’all can suck it.

She Is Going to Haunt the F*** Out of Us.

SARAH: Fact – going to serve popcorn and vodka at my funeral.
SARAH: Get excited.

It's Like Melville Meets Verne...Meets Cosby.

KATE: I got pudding for snack.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.

A few minutes pass.

KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.

PSA (Popcorn Service Announcement)

SARAH: Just dropped popcorn down my shirt.
SARAH: Just stuck my hand down my shirt to fish it out.
SARAH: At work.
SARAH: HEY EVERYONE I AM CLASSY

We Don't Just Coin Phrases. We Dollar Buck Them.

SARAH: The last email from New Guy told me that people in the room next to his are being very shouty and he wants to shank them.
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?

Sarah Has a Date Tonight

KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.

Duke Is a Special Dog (And You Know What Kind of Special I Mean)

SARAH: I have bruises allllllllllllll over my legs.
SARAH: ALL OVER. From Duke biting me. Like a jerkface.
SARAH: He does this thing now when he’s mad at me that he bows down and makes terrible noises like he’s talking to me.
SARAH: Then he rockets off the couch and tries to knock me down.
SARAH: He only does it with me. I don’t know why he picks on me.
SARAH: Also, when he gets something in his mouth, he prances around with it like “YES LOOK AT ME LOOK WHAT I HAVE”

Web M(agical)D(octor)

SARAH: Kates, I would love to shank someone in order to go home and keep on reading Harry Potter.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.

Everybody Wants a Piece of the Unicorn Action.


SARAH: THAT IS COPYRIGHT INFRINGMENT.
SARAH: THOSE BITCHES.
SARAH: BITCH PIGEONS, ALL OF THEM.

We've Started Naming Her Personalities.

SARAH: I like that a separate, even more evil part of me takes over at times.
SARAH: And that part of me cannot be TAMED, MILEY
KATE: Do you have a good side?
SARAH: I guess the good side of me volunteers for shit and loves a few people.
SARAH: She pops up every now and again.
SARAH: She’s like the Groundhog of Goodness--comes out, does some good and then it’s 6 more weeks of evil.

Rubble Rouser

SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.