The Best of Sarah

Valid Questions, All

2011-07-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

NEW MANFRIEND: I never slept with a girl in a dirty frat-house bedroom.
SARAH: Did you sleep with boys in a dirty frat-house bedroom?
NEW MANFRIEND: No.
SARAH: What about ponies?

Man's Slippery Best Friend

2011-06-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Duke drooled all over the floor.
SARAH: My dad asks why it's all wet.
SARAH: Deadpan, my mom says, "Spittles."
SARAH: Like that would be so obvious.
SARAH: Duke was like, drooling for the sake of it.
KATE: Don't hounds drool like a whole lot?
KATE: Isn't that one of their primary exports? Drool?
SARAH: Yeah, kinda. But it was coming out of both sides of his mouth and it was just…ew. Duke. Gross.
KATE: Your mom really comes out of left field sometimes.
SARAH: That’s when I like my mom.
SARAH: When she’s funny and yells at the cars in front of her that aren’t turning right on red and tells them to shit or get off the pot.
KATE: Spittles.
SARAH: Not to be confused with Skittles.
SARAH: Taste the rainbow.
SARAH: Of drool.
SARAH: On the floor.

It's Not Just Sarah (Texts From Sarah)

2011-06-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

My dad was just wandering around the kitchen singing "Toot toot! Uh-huh. Beep beep! Uh-huh"

And Many More...

2011-06-23T16:07:00.001-07:00

SARAH: OMG Guess what my dad did for my mom's birthday.
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The Queen of Hearts

2011-06-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Well, he’s a lover and not a fighter.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.

We Don't Even Need Twitter Anymore (Texts From Sarah)

2011-06-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

#killingit
#fancyladies
#withfancyfaces

Never Forget.

2011-06-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

SARAH: So what’s Fancy Lady doing on her date tonight?
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like But You Can Never Leave

2011-06-23T16:01:00.001-07:00

SARAH: And then we ventured into Chelsea and the meatpacking district.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.

The New Puppy, AKA The Doodie

2011-06-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

SARAH: The doodie needs to get trained on the invisible fence.
SARAH: The doodie isn’t smart and makes terrible horrible noises when he gets shocked.
SARAH: I tell doodie that it’s okay when he’s in the middle of the yard.
SARAH: He just shouldn’t go near the sides.
SARAH: Like Operation.
KATE: And I'm sure if you explain it to him that way he'll understand completely.
SARAH: Well, we normally talk about all sorts of profound things over breakfast, except when he’s sleeping or chewing on his nuts. So.
SARAH: It wouldn’t be too far-fetched.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
SARAH: Happens.

The Summer When Dreams Come True (A Letter from Sarah)

2011-06-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

Dearest, Most Lovely Starshine,

I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.

And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.

WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.

It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.

Love,
Sarah

Sarah Has a Good Day

2011-06-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I love you. I love everything right now.
KATE: Yes, I imagine you do.
KATE: I love you too, dear.
KATE: We're just like Walter and Perry.
KATE: Time has now stopped.
KATE: Come on, Wednesday. You were doing so well.
SARAH: Probably because we’ve weighed down the world with so much gay that it can no longer move.

A Little Extra Barf and Gay

2011-06-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I still think of some of your poems as the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.

Don't Keep Your Recipes Alphabetized and This Won't Happen

2011-06-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

SARAH: We are having chicken in a pot tonight for dinner.
SARAH: Tell me something.
SARAH: How does my family exist? I still don’t understand.
SARAH: They are all completely mental.
KATE: Oh NO. Not chicken shit pot!
KATE: Can you do us all a favor? Make sure your mom actually cooks it this time?
KATE: And if not, make sure somebody throws it out?
KATE: ::shudder::
SARAH: No no – not chicken shit pot. Chicken IN a pot.
SARAH: I made it for you once. You liked it. You know, with the orzo?
SARAH: God, no one PLANS chicken shit pot

Jiminy Kate Is At It Again

2011-06-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

SARAH: You ruin everything.
SARAH: You’re the goddamn Scott Baio to my life.
SARAH: #scottbaioruinseverything
KATE: I'm going to go cry Scott Baio tears now.
KATE: Sob Loblaw lobs sob bomb.

Silly New Manfriend.

2011-06-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

SARAH: He thinks that every thing I do is reasonable which is BAD and DANGEROUS idea.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.

Storm Season's A-Comin'.

2011-06-14T19:19:00.001-07:00

SARAH: Apparently on Saturday I drunkenly (and correctly) told New Manfriend that his pretty perfect friend is one of those girls that I really don’t like.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.

Sarah Was a Wee Bit Tipsy on Saturday

2011-06-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

SARAH: One of New Manfriend’s friends just sent me a friend request on Facebook
SARAH: I asked New Manfriend who she was and he told me I talked to her for a while on Saturday night.
SARAH: YEAH, NO MEMORY OF THAT.
SARAH: But apparently she liked me. As she should.
SARAH: But I have no memory of talking to her.
SARAH: Therefore? We’re not going to be friends on Facebook.
KATE: SARAH HAS SPOKEN.
SARAH: YES I HAVE, YOU BITCHES.

Checks and Balances at Work

2011-06-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

SARAH: (mumbling under her breath) And I’m going to punch you right in your girlface.
SARAH'S COWORKER: You need to take a deep breath and closed your damn eyes…and work for the rest of the day.
SARAH'S COWORKER: Right now.

How Things Are

2011-06-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

KATE: So he stood her up.
KATE: He called later and said he had forgotten or had the wrong date on his calendar or something.
SARAH: That is bullshit.
SARAH: If someone wants to go out with me, they better be waiting from the moment they ask me until the moment I show up
SARAH: to see my wonderful face and bask in my ever-awesome life.
SARAH: I don't have an ego problem.

Pretty Awesome.

2011-06-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I think New Manfriend thinks the sun shines out of my butt, so there’s that.
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?

That's What Friends Are For

2011-06-09T18:14:00.001-07:00

KATE: You need to get here soon.
KATE: I've been looking at pictures of toddlers and now I want to adopt a child.
KATE: Save me from myself.
SARAH: SHOVEL, KATE. SHOVEL.
KATE: This is why I need you in my life. Thank you.
SARAH: Meanwhile, over here, Sarah is getting mad about yarn.

And God Help You If It Isn't Seedless.

2011-06-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

SARAH: New Manfriend just told me he’s going to the store tomorrow to get things for his birthday.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.

NSF: Bankrolling Beatings Since 2010

2011-06-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

KATE: Look at this.
KATE: Look at the picture on the left.
KATE: Then scroll to the bottom of the page and look at the title of the ACADEMIC PAPER.
SARAH: What is going on here?
SARAH: Does the world only exist inside our heads?

The Lexicon Continues to Expand

2011-06-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Do you know what a road soder is?
STARSHINE: I do not.
SARAH: A road soder (soda) is a beer.
SARAH: It's a joke in my family.
STARSHINE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SARAH: Going on a long drive? TAKE A ROAD SODER!
SARAH: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE.
STARSHINE: Road soders are good when you're on the train!
SARAH: Oh, Starshine.
SARAH: Those are train soders.

Pop Music, AKA Traumatic Brain Injury

2011-06-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I've had Ke$ha stuck in my head ALL DAY over here.
SARAH: It’s much more fun in your head than mine, I think.
SARAH: BLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Duke ran into the wall yesterday.
SARAH: I know how he feels.

She Has a Point (Texts to/from Sarah)

2011-06-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

KATE: I'm walking directly behind the human version of Bender Bending Rodriguez.
KATE: Bald head, heavy boots, weirdly dressed, weirdly muscular, smoking a cigar.

SARAH: Was his butt moving without him?
SARAH: Wait a minute.
SARAH: How do you know it wasn't Flexo?

As Crime Coiffure Goes, I Guess That's Pretty Efficient.

2011-06-02T16:05:00.001-07:00

KATE: Check this out.
KATE: They're calling this guy the Mullet Bandit.

SARAH: It’s workday in the front, bank robbin’ in the back!

Oh, the Crushing.

2011-06-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Made the mistake of telling New Manfriend about my demand for nachos.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.

Texts From Last Night That Will Probably Recur Tonight

2011-05-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

(quoted)(925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
KATE: Awww. Like you would ever waste good vodka on a balloon.
KATE: Though if it actually did float it would be a very handy way to carry your drink.
SARAH: Oh man, then I would bring balloons to work every day.
SARAH: Don’t mind me, coworkers. I just wanted an extra bit of cheer in my cube.
SARAH: Y’all can suck it.

She Is Going to Haunt the F*** Out of Us.

2011-05-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Fact – going to serve popcorn and vodka at my funeral.
SARAH: Get excited.

It's Like Melville Meets Verne...Meets Cosby.

2011-05-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

KATE: I got pudding for snack.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.

A few minutes pass.

KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.

PSA (Popcorn Service Announcement)

2011-05-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Just dropped popcorn down my shirt.
SARAH: Just stuck my hand down my shirt to fish it out.
SARAH: At work.
SARAH: HEY EVERYONE I AM CLASSY

We Don't Just Coin Phrases. We Dollar Buck Them.

2011-05-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

SARAH: The last email from New Guy told me that people in the room next to his are being very shouty and he wants to shank them.
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?

Sarah Has a Date Tonight

2011-05-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.

Duke Is a Special Dog (And You Know What Kind of Special I Mean)

2011-05-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I have bruises allllllllllllll over my legs.
SARAH: ALL OVER. From Duke biting me. Like a jerkface.
SARAH: He does this thing now when he’s mad at me that he bows down and makes terrible noises like he’s talking to me.
SARAH: Then he rockets off the couch and tries to knock me down.
SARAH: He only does it with me. I don’t know why he picks on me.
SARAH: Also, when he gets something in his mouth, he prances around with it like “YES LOOK AT ME LOOK WHAT I HAVE”

Web M(agical)D(octor)

2011-05-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Kates, I would love to shank someone in order to go home and keep on reading Harry Potter.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.

Everybody Wants a Piece of the Unicorn Action.

2011-05-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

SARAH: THAT IS COPYRIGHT INFRINGMENT.
SARAH: THOSE BITCHES.
SARAH: BITCH PIGEONS, ALL OF THEM.

We've Started Naming Her Personalities.

2011-05-04T09:50:00.001-07:00

SARAH: I like that a separate, even more evil part of me takes over at times.
SARAH: And that part of me cannot be TAMED, MILEY
KATE: Do you have a good side?
SARAH: I guess the good side of me volunteers for shit and loves a few people.
SARAH: She pops up every now and again.
SARAH: She’s like the Groundhog of Goodness--comes out, does some good and then it’s 6 more weeks of evil.

Rubble Rouser

2011-05-04T09:48:00.001-07:00

SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.

That Is One Handsome Melon

2011-04-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Eating this honeydew melon.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.

Sarah Has Some Opinions About Things

2011-04-28T14:02:00.002-07:00

SARAH: If you want to be a vegan, you shouldn’t be able to exist. End of freakin’ story.
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS

You Tell 'Em.

2011-04-28T14:02:00.001-07:00

SARAH: It smells like pizza around here.
SARAH: I'm eating a piece of chocolate.
SARAH: Suck on that, Thursday.

Duke Finds a Home (in Hell)

2011-04-28T14:00:00.001-07:00

SARAH: The vet told my dad that Duke will totally end up being more than 100 pounds
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?

Get On That, Neville

2011-04-28T13:58:00.001-07:00

SARAH: I watched the Harry Potter trailer.
SARAH: Made me really happy and then really sad.
SARAH: Because it’s going to be over.
SARAH: And because there’s a giant snake in the damn movie.
SARAH: What am I going to do? I hate snakes.
SARAH: I hate giant ones even more.
SARAH: HOW WILL I WATCH THAT SHIT IN 3D?
SARAH: #firstworldproblems

I Believe The Technical Term is Shittrombone

2011-04-28T13:57:00.001-07:00

SARAH: Starshine just called someone a shittrumpet.
SARAH: I cannot handle my life

Sarah's Family Has a New Dog

2011-04-28T13:56:00.001-07:00

SARAH: My mom, to Duke this morning: “We’re going to chop your gonads off at 6 months. To the day. YES WE ARE”
SARAH: My mom was very excited to tell Duke he would not have balls anymore.

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring (Banana Face!)

2011-04-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Just told one of my coworkers I was going to punch her in the banana face.
KATE: What does that even mean?
SARAH: She was eating a banana. Thus...banana face.
SARAH: Going to get punched there. And it's going to hurt. Or at least I think it will.
SARAH: That’s what happens when you have a banana face.

The Second Rule of Best of Sarah

2011-04-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

SARAH: You know, I write you dumb things.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.

The First Rule of Best of Sarah is You Don't Talk About Best of Sarah Except Actually You Do.

2011-04-19T20:00:00.001-07:00

SARAH: The Frenemy is so wonderful.
SARAH: I wish I could be as awesome as she is.
KATE: You're a real person, so you're already awesomer.
KATE: I mean, you're mostly a real person.
KATE: I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder if you are my Tyler Durden.
SARAH: Yes. I am.
SARAH: All those bruises you have? That’s Sarah Tyler Durden, from the fight clubs I have at night.
SARAH: You’re really talking to yourself right now, not another person.
KATE: I KNEW IT.
KATE: Well, we may as well keep it up. I'm rather enjoying it.
SARAH: Totes fucking mcgoats.
SARAH: I am Kate’s sense of AWESOME and I am TINGLING

Sarah Makes Friends Online

2011-04-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.

Sarah Loves Cadbury

2011-04-11T14:43:00.001-07:00

Just ate a Cadbury caramel egg and there might have been foil stuck on it and I might have eaten it anyway…but you can’t prove it

Sarah Has a Bad Day

2011-04-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Well, I went to the dermatologist this morning because I was like, WHY DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE ASS?
SARAH: And she said, I DON'T KNOW, PUT THIS CREAM ON IT
SARAH: And I don't feel well
SARAH: And also, rain

Sarah Loves Doctors (and Doctors LOVE Sarah)

2011-04-11T14:39:00.001-07:00

SARAH: I'm at the dermatologist's!
SARAH: And I will say, "Why does my face look so terrible?"
SARAH: And she will say, "Well, Sarah, you've got a nasty case of the assface"

She's Back in the Game.

2011-04-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Now I know why the website is okcupid and not okaycupid.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.

Achilles Has a New Girlfriend...Or So He Claims.

2011-04-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

ACHILLES: Pretty much any girl who was nice to me and threw herself on me would have succeeded.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.

Achilles Has No Hair. Sarah Is Very Sympathetic.

2011-04-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Achilles and I are arguing…about why I wear makeup to work.
SARAH: I bet he’s jealous. He wants to feel like a pretty pretty princess too. SARAH: He’s jealous of my long hair.
SARAH: I should brush it next time he’s around and shout MAN THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE HAVING HAIR

How About A Tea Party in Your Trousers?

2011-04-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

SARAH: ANTS IN MY PANTS, GET OUT.
SARAH: THIS IS NO PLACE FOR AN ANT FARM.
KATE: Sarah is the #1 exporter of snot rockets from the nation of Kate.
KATE: I just did it again. Or rather, you just made me do it again.
KATE: You're right, though. Get out of there, ants.
SARAH: Seriously, I don’t even know how the ants got in there.
SARAH: I am not having a picnic in my pants.

Every Receptacle Is Exactly the Same

2011-03-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

SARAH: I do not have plans on Sunday, other than to wallow in a puddle of tears.
SARAH: I KID. It won’t be a puddle.
SARAH: It will be a bathtub.
KATE: There's a Dethklok song called "Briefcase Full of Guts."
KATE: That's kind of like a bathtub full of tears.
KATE: And you can't forget "Suitcase Full of Vomit."
SARAH: That’s right. Suitcase full of vomit. Briefcase full of guts.
SARAH: Hatbox full of underarm sweat.
SARAH: It’s all the same.

Thank Goodness.

2011-03-22T05:50:00.001-07:00

SARAH: French Fry Heaven is following me on Twitter.
SARAH: Happy days are here again!

Last Year We Had a Pet Fish Named Chuck Norris. Sarah Killed Him.

2011-03-16T16:29:00.001-07:00

SARAH: Just told 21 about Chuck Norris the betta fish.
SARAH: I haven't told him how he died yet.
SARAH: How did Chuck Norris die?
SARAH: OH, I JUST LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN AND HE FROZE TO DEATH AND GOT ALL BLOATED AND I MADE KATE FLUSH HIM
KATE: Poor Chuck Norris. We should have known he would be no match for you.
SARAH: That’s right. I have bested Chuck Norris.
SARAH: Some might argue that the weather did, but we know that I feed Pudge the Fish.
SARAH: And he controls the weather.
SARAH: So I, in fact, used the weather CONTROLLED BY A FISH, to kill Chuck Norris, WHO IS A PERSON AND A FISH.
SARAH: BOOM. ROASTED

Sarah's Grandma Is a Total Rockstar From Mars

2011-03-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Fact – my grandma quoted Charlie Sheen today.
SARAH: She said something about tiger blood in her veins.
SARAH: And then said DUH WINNING
SARAH: My grandma is the coolest person ever.
SARAH: SHE’S ON A DRUG CALLED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ALSO CRAZY ITALIAN GRANDMA

Extremely Special Olympics

2011-03-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

SARAH: B1 was on a roll yesterday during speed skating.
SARAH: He got put in time out because he was cursing.
SARAH: He’s not supposed to be doing that, apparently.
SARAH: Oh! And I forgot to tell you!
SARAH: We were cheering for him and shouting and making all the noise that we do and we distracted one of the other athletes and he almost skated into the wall and then B1 passed him.
SARAH: It’s our new way of helping B1 win.

Not All Babies Are Ugly Babies

2011-03-15T20:01:00.002-07:00

OMG that kid is so cute, you have to wear some sort of suit around her. Because otherwise you might die from the cuteness.

Five Rings Might Be Too Many

2011-03-15T20:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Special Olympics speed skating. B1 told us he’s retiring next year and going to drive the zamboni instead.

Co-Dependent? More Like Awesome-Dependent.

2011-03-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

KATE: I mentioned you a few times last night. I did not start shouting about how amazing you are, so I think that was pretty smart of me.
SARAH: It’s kind of hard to resist shouting about you. I have that issue sometimes.
SARAH: And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

Sarah Needs More Vodka If She's Going to Have to Deal With You (An Open Letter)

2011-03-15T19:57:00.002-07:00

Dear boys,

Please read this. Please learn. You make me tired.

Love,
Sarah

It's True. Check Your Clock.

2011-03-15T19:57:00.001-07:00

SARAH: ALMOST SNACK TIME OVER UP IN THIS BITCH OVER THERE POSSIBLY BEHIND SOMETHING.
SARAH: I have no idea what that means. But I said it.
SARAH: I could have deleted it.
SARAH: But I didn’t.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back On the Internet

2011-03-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

KATE: WHOA. My planets just collided. LiLu just reblogged BJ on Tumblr.
KATE: What is going on?
SARAH: WHAT.
SARAH: WHAT.
SARAH: BJ DOES NOT EXIST HE IS NOT REAL

She's Not Wrong.

2011-03-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

SARAH: Still digging out from all my emails.
SARAH: It probably doesn’t help that I have some serious ADD right now.
SARAH: OMG BREAD IS SO GOOD.

Apropos of Nothing (So Far As I Can Tell, Anyway)

2011-02-14T18:10:00.000-08:00

SARAH: Just shouted “BIRD” (like Bambi) and drooled on my desk.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: Acceptance

2011-02-14T18:08:00.001-08:00

SARAH: Kate. Can I tell you something?
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.

She Blinded Me with {A Beaker Full of Acid}

2011-02-14T18:06:00.001-08:00

SARAH: Maybe I should be a scientist.
KATE: It's not too late to change careers.
KATE: Just order a lab coat on eBay and BAM you're a scientist.
SARAH: I already have the glasses.
SARAH: And I’m really good at shouting SCIENCE!
SARAH: I bet that’s a test you have to take to be a scientist.
SARAH: Can you shout it?
SARAH: You’re in.

The Shouty Menagerie

2011-02-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

KATE THEY FOUND A BOA CONSTRICTOR ON THE T IN BOSTON THERE IS NOTHING SAFE ANYMORE. NOT EVEN TRAINS.

SNAKES ON TRAINS! ELEPHANTS ON A BOX TRUCK!

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued Further

2011-02-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

SARAH: PLEASE STOP BURNING ARMPITS
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued

2011-02-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

SARAH: SWEET DUMBLEDORE ARMPITS, WHY?
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.

A few minutes pass.

SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution

2011-02-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

SARAH: Kateeeeeee
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.

In Case You Weren't Already Hearing Circus Music In Your Head

2011-02-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

SARAH: I asked my dad if he could change my oil in my car today.
SARAH: He said sure, just leave it at home and I'll do it.
SARAH: So I left it at home.
SARAH: Instead of doing it himself, he brought it to the dealership to get an oil change, which is fine...
SARAH: But now B2 is texting me and telling me I need to go and pick it up.
SARAH: I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, since I drove a car to work and I don’t think I can drive 2 cars at once.
SARAH: I mean, maybe I can.
SARAH: But probably not.
KATE: The idea of you driving two cars at once is cracking me up.
KATE: You're like on two chariots and the horses are running in opposite directions.
KATE: I just had to pause for a moment to try to remember if chariots were pulled by horses or something else.
KATE: Yep, it's one of those days.
SARAH: PIGS. They're pulled by PIGS.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution Fails

2011-02-14T17:44:00.001-08:00

SARAH: Guess who’s back!?
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.

I Almost Feel Bad for Demon Cat Sometimes

2011-02-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

SARAH: My mom yelled at Ollie this morning because Ollie does not want to poop in the litter box.
SARAH: She kept on saying, “YOU POOP IN HERE,” and shaking him.
SARAH: He’s like a martini.
SARAH: A poop martini.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution, Continued

2011-02-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

SARAH: So I don’t think I’m as sweaty with this boy deodorant one, which is good.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution

2011-02-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: The "prescription" turned out to be "wear men's deodorant." The first prescription, that is. Read on...

SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?

SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.

(Editor's Note) The Pits of Freedom Saga: Prologue

2011-02-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, Sarah started sweating. Profusely. So much so that she was first embarrassed, then concerned. She asked her mother, who is a horrible person but also a nurse, what to do. Later that day, her mother sent her an e-mail that read, simply:

I have a prescription for your problem

This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.

The International Economy is Not Prepared for Us

2010-12-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

KATE: I'm going to buy you a present.
KATE: It's a pile of string.
KATE: Etsy is such a disaster sometimes.
SARAH: We should have an Etsy shop!
SARAH: We’d have to get some sort of video of us doing our singing and dancing and you know, jigging routine to prove that yes, the Unicorn Juice works wonders.
SARAH: And can help you sing and dance and jig.
SARAH: We should get B1 to pitch it. He would do a good job.
SARAH: I mean, in case they don’t believe that it’s a miracle.
SARAH: Also, we’d have to hit the other people with sticks and when they hurt, we’d give them some Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: That way, they would know that it’s real Unicorn Juice and not imitation Unicorn Juice.
KATE: Yes. Genius. Genius on all counts.

Snake Oil is for Amateurs

2010-12-18T09:49:00.000-08:00

KATE: I'm having an awful day.
KATE: And I'm covered in hives.
STARSHINE: Drink some water!
SARAH: Starshine knows what’s up.
SARAH: And that is: drink all the water and then you can cure all your pains.
SARAH: We should sell bottled water as a miracle cure.
SARAH: I bet it would work, too. We could be traveling medicine ladies and we could both tell everyone how water has fixed us.
SARAH: Well, maybe you shouldn’t talk now because you have hives.
SARAH: But I could say that water healed me.
KATE: Genius. It can be the Starshine-Sarah-Kate traveling medicine show.
KATE: With a soundtrack by the Full-Out Criers.
SARAH: We are going to make like, a million dollars.
SARAH: Can we travel around in a wagon with panels that come down when you pull on a rope? I feel that is only appropriate.
KATE: Absolutely. And we need top hats, and sticks, because you can't have a medicine show without gesturing and hitting things with your walking stick.
KATE: What'll we call it?
SARAH: I don’t know. We will figure it out. We need to make a website like, stat.
SARAH: And maybe if we’re REALLY good, we can have an infomercial where I can just say “BUY THIS MIRACLE WATER IT WILL CURE EVERYTHING INCLUDING PREGNANCY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK”
SARAH: Hmm…what should we call the magical miracle water?
KATE: Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: YES ABSOLUTELY YES
KATE: Unicorn Juice. Coming soon to a fairground and/or Target parking lot near you.

Hope You Got a Gift Receipt, or, Kate Doesn't Like Whales

2010-12-08T15:50:00.001-08:00

KATE: Proofing a stupid brochure about humpback whales.
KATE: Stupid whales.
SARAH: Does everyone get one?
SARAH: Because I think they all should.
KATE: EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE!
KATE: And I'm so returning mine.
SARAH: Dude, maybe you could ride it places.
SARAH: Like you could ride it to London.
SARAH: Or maybe just outside of London.
SARAH: All you have to do is train the whale.
KATE: No. You know what I can ride to London? An airplane.
KATE: I am exchanging my whale for an airplane, bcause whales are just awful.
KATE: And airplanes, well, they're not great, but they're not too bad.
KATE: Though it would be pretty bad-ass to show up in Europe on the back of a whale.
KATE: No. Can't do it. They suck.
SARAH: But it would be so much cheaper to take the whale.
SARAH: All you would need is a wetsuit. And some sort of whale saddle.
KATE: No. N.O. I'm not doing it. I don't care.
KATE: I will save up and get a plane ticket and leave my whale in the garage.
SARAH: I don’t think the whale will fit in your garage.
SARAH: Unless you have an ocean in there.
SARAH: And if you do, that’s kind of amazing and you should probably tell someone about that.
SARAH: Also, I didn’t even know you HAD a garage.
SARAH: Thirdly – Hagrid’s buttcrack.

I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

2010-11-30T16:17:00.000-08:00

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Monsters, Inc.

2010-11-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

SARAH: Anne Boleyn was so badass. Think about it – she got the man that she wanted (granted, she stole him from another woman, which I cannot approve of) but she got him to marry her because she refused to be a mistress.
SARAH: SHE REFUSED THE KING.
SARAH: She was smart and funny and very charming and everyone loved her.
SARAH: And then she got her head chopped off.
SARAH: Which is sort of a bummer.
KATE: Look at the bright side--before Henry got sick of her she managed to come up with Elizabeth, who is the awesomest lady ever.
SARAH: That’s right! She did create Elizabeth, who is a frosty ice princess and our fearless leader.
SARAH: Also, can I just say that NOT being a frosty ice princess is like the easiest thing ever.
SARAH: Like, not forcing someone to talk to me by not talking to them makes far more sense than shooting lasers at them with my eyeballs to make them talk to me.
SARAH: And I know you know what I’m talking about.
SARAH: We’re both Make Love to Me Monsters. We understand.
SARAH: I haven’t been the Make Love to Me Monster in so long.
SARAH: I have been the FUCKING FEED ME NOW Monster like every day since forever.
SARAH: Which is why I don’t fit into my pants.

On Second Thought, Stop Thinking.

2010-11-19T14:31:00.000-08:00

SARAH: I love that we exist.
SARAH: Think of how sad the world would be if you and I weren’t big nerds and didn’t work at B&N and wear the same sweater one day. Think about it.
SARAH: Actually, don’t. It might make you throw yourself off a building because it’s such a sad thought.

We'll Get Together Then, Bun

2010-11-17T15:25:00.000-08:00

KATE: Look at this.
SARAH: Why would you want to convince someone that you’ve given birth to rabbits?
SARAH: And why would a rabbit give you a miscarriage?
KATE: I bet if I got pregnant it would be with rabbits.
KATE: I was saying something the other night about how tired I was and Dublin said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" and I said, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"
KATE: But pregnant with rabbits. Now THAT would be a miracle.
SARAH: EW EW SHE PUT A CAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING EVER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
SARAH: It’s a Thanksgiving miracle – Kate has a bun in the oven!
SARAH: A rabbit bun. But still a bun.
KATE: Just decided. "A Bunny in the Oven" is the name of the Full-Out Criers' first album.
SARAH: Bunny in the oven. I love it. I’m so going to ask people if they have bunnies in the oven now.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: No, srsly. If at any point, I decide I should put a DEAD ANIMAL in any part of my body that is not my mouth, you need to stop me.
SARAH: I don’t even think I have to say this because it sounds like common sense, but it needs to be said to some people.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: GROSS. ICK AND GROSS.
SARAH: EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Classy ladies, you and I.
SARAH: No wonder I have a date tonight – I’m talking about putting cats in cooters.
SARAH: And the cat’s in the cooter at the silver spoon!
SARAH: Little boy blue and the man in the moon!

The Sound of One Hand Clapping You Upside the Head

2010-11-17T15:19:00.001-08:00

SARAH: That website is like stealing Best of Sarah! Those bitches!
KATE: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody could ever steal BoS, because the key element of BoS is...Sarah. It's you.
KATE: Without you there would be no site. It would be Best of.
KATE: Best of What? Best of NOTHING.
KATE: So.
SARAH: Best of nothing is not something anyone would want to read.
SARAH: Because nothing is nothing.
SARAH: Take that, existentialism!

The Office Awkwardness Continues

2010-11-17T15:17:00.001-08:00

SARAH: Looking for things to do.
SARAH: Talking about Coworker K with food. That’s all I’ve been able to do.
SARAH: Talking about food. Loving talking about food.
KATE: You're probably talking about food with Coworker K. Not the other way around.
KATE: But I could be wrong.
SARAH: Nope – talking with food about Coworker K.
SARAH: It’s getting weird because I know that Coworker K can hear me and the food doesn’t care.

The Meaning of Meaning

2010-11-17T15:15:00.000-08:00

SARAH: We are the most thrilling girls that I know.
SARAH: Totally and absolutely.
SARAH: OMG ALMOST POPCORN TIME DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!?!?!
SARAH: Its almost popcorn time. That’s what it means.

Billy Idol is a Liar

2010-11-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

There has been a serious lack of dance parties in my life since you’re not around. I should start them up again, but dancing with yourself really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I'd Say That's Awkward.

2010-11-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

SARAH: Things that are awkward: listening to Boss Lady argue with her husband about how he should stop smoking.
SARAH: She keeps on whisper-shouting, “I HAD COMPASSION FOR YOU BEFORE”
SARAH: Awkward turtle.
SARAH: She just hung up on him.
SARAH: Man, I am not jealous to not live in that house.

Sarah Solves Office Supply Problems

2010-11-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

KATE: I'm using a red fine-point sharpie to edit...and it's all slimy.
KATE: Like my Crayola markers were all slimy this summer.
KATE: WTF MARKERS ARE YOU SNAILS?
SARAH: Pour salt on them and see what happens.

Not Even Once.

2010-11-16T17:58:00.001-08:00

SARAH: I’m seeing the lady pocket doctor on Thursday and we have a lot to discuss.
KATE: Hey! You can say, "OMG GUESS WHAT I HAD SEX LIKE FOUR JILLION TIMES."
KATE: And that'll be cool.
KATE: Right? Right.
SARAH: I don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I had sex 4 jillion times.
SARAH: Wait. Who am I kidding? Yes I am.
SARAH: I will proudly tell her that.
SARAH: Followed by “AND I DIDN’T GET KNOCKED UP ONCE. THERE’S NO BUN IN THIS OVEN!”
SARAH: I feel like I should have a pin that says that or something.

I Also Have a Doctorate in Buttcracks.

2010-11-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

SARAH: Thanks, MSN.
SARAH: It's ball science.
KATE: I'm not sure what it says about me, but you are not the first one of my friends to send me this.
SARAH: Apparently we know you have a thing for ball science.
SARAH: Weirdo.
KATE: I do not have a thing for "ball science," thank you very much.
KATE: I have a thing for science in general.
KATE: It's not my fault you people fixate on balls.
SARAH: It’s totes ball science.
SARAH: My Friend Kate, Ball Scientist.
SARAH: That has a nice ring to it

Heathen, Heal Thyself!

2010-11-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

KATE: Feeling pukey.
KATE: Surprised? Nope.
KATE: Just pukey.
KATE: Totes just broke a nail by putting my hand on the desk. Gently.
KATE: Not gently enough, apparently.
SARAH: You’re a mess over there.
SARAH: Could you please settle down?
KATE: No, I cannot settle down.
KATE: I am just going to keep disintegrating until I fall apart completely.
KATE: So there.
SARAH: You need to learn to settle down before your arms fall off. Then what will you do?
SARAH: You’ll have to wear a helmet with a pencil attached just so you can type.
SARAH: You cannot be a copywriter without arms.
SARAH: I’m pretty sure that’s a rule or something.
KATE: You and your rules.
KATE: Damn the man. I don't need arms.
KATE: I may, however, need to eat something, since clearly I have lost my damn mind.
SARAH: They aren’t my rules. They are society’s rules.
SARAH: Maybe you should drink some water.

She Tries.

2010-11-16T17:44:00.000-08:00

SARAH: Did you see this?
SARAH: DON’T LET THE CHILDREN USE THE INTERNET.
SARAH: DON’T LET THEM USE THE CELLULAR PHONES.
SARAH: I try to find reasons to want to have kids, but every article that I read on the internet tells me that they are going to be evil, sexually active drugged out heathens.
SARAH: And that’s by the age of 2.
SARAH: So you know, internet, you’re making me think I don’t want kids.