Rubble Rouser

SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.

That Is One Handsome Melon

SARAH: Eating this honeydew melon.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.

Sarah Needs More Vodka If She's Going to Have to Deal With You (An Open Letter)

Dear boys,

Please read this. Please learn. You make me tired.
 
Love,
Sarah

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

How Frosty Is It?

SARAH:  I'm being a frosty ice princess right now.
SARAH: I'm so frosty I can ice my own knee.
SARAH: I'm so frosty, you'd need to wear a winter coat in my room.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that Jack fuckin' Frost looks like the sun.
SARAH: Frosty the goddamn Snowman aint got SHIT on me.
KATE: Sing it.
SARAH: Or snow, for that matter.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that winter needs to go to the southern hemisphere when I'm around.
SARAH: I'm SO frosty that I don't even have to make sense.
KATE: That IS frosty.
KATE: And does it frost your butt?
SARAH: Frosts my butt.
SARAH: And burns my biscuits.
SARAH: And also greases my chassis
SARAH: Which is a personal problem
SARAH: I overshared.

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Asked to See a Dessert Menu

SARAH: When I was in the bathroom washing my hands, I got a hardcore craving for a NY strip steak.  HEY BOYS. BUY ME STEAK.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical?  We may have thought that I have grown, but no.  I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak. 
SARAH: And I want a salad too. 
SARAH: And some vodka drinks. 
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.

The Cute Guy Comes to Clean the Office Aquarium. Sarah Has a Plan.

Maybe you should tell the cute guy that you are part mermaid…and wouldn’t he like to see which part? And then you say WE HAS KISSY FACES and then whoo! Kate has kissy faces.

Sarah Makes a Friend

SARAH: So I work with this sweet guy and I want him to be my friend
SARAH: So I'm going to threaten to add him as a friend on Facebook.
KATE: It's not really much of a threat. I mean, I'm glad you're my friend. I don't find it to be a punishment.
SARAH: Of course you’re going to say that being my friend isn’t a punishment. I know where you live and sleep and eat.

Sarah Knows What's Good for You

If there was shaken adult syndrome, he would have it. Courtesy of me. And no one would stop me, because they all know he needs it.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah!

SARAH: I would say i'm done with the Iron Chef*, but my anger never ends.
SARAH: Kind of like...uhh...The Neverending Story?
SARAH: But not with those weird flying dog things.
KATE: If we could convert your rage to electricity we'd never need a power plant again.
SARAH: Don't they say all the yelling you will do in your entire life makes enough energy to heat up a pot of coffee or something?
SARAH: They do not know me.
KATE: No. That's like an Olympic-sized hot tub.
SARAH: And no one will be invited it in unless I like them.
KATE: I shouldn't go in hot tubs.
KATE: I get woozy.
SARAH: Then you can sit on the side
SARAH: And be the lifeguard.
KATE: Can do.
KATE: HEY NO RUNNING SARAH
SARAH: But running will make the hot tub warmer.



*New character. All you need to know: He's a chef, he has wronged Sarah, and he will never be forgiven.

And She's Still Talking.

BJ's not going to like this. It's true, though. It's because of his stupid hair.

Sarah's Back.

He is really hot. I can see why someone would want to have lots and lots of his beautiful babies. You have a lot of ridiculously good-looking friends. BJ is not one of them.

Sarah Plans 2010

SARAH: I get super super self-conscious when new boys go to kiss me.
KATE: What do you think is going to happen?
SARAH: When new boys go to kiss me?
KATE: Are you going to like lose a tooth in his mouth or something?
KATE: It's kissing. It's automatically wonderful.
SARAH: No, he's going to kiss me and realize that he didn't want to do that in the first place.
KATE: Wow.
KATE: You are fucked up.
SARAH: And then he'll run screaming into the night
SARAH: And then get hit by a car and die.
KATE: I hope so
KATE: If that's how he treats you.

Sarah Loves Everybody

SARAH: My status message this morning was "getting a BA in housewivery"
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.

Sometimes I Just Wish She'd Say What She Meant

SARAH: I try to wrap my brain around WoW and I can't.
KATE: Me neither, dude.
KATE: It looks super tedious.
KATE: What *is* the appeal?
SARAH: The time where you decide that you would rather play a video game than HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE is the time you need to have your balls chopped off
SARAH: because clearly you won't ever use them again.
KATE: Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Sarah.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part II

SARAH: Muffins can be purchased almost anywhere. But cupcakes?
KATE: Very special.
SARAH: You have to go to someplace special to get a good cupcake.
KATE: Damn straight.
SARAH: Jesus, we're impressive.
KATE: We really are.
KATE: What's up liberal arts!
SARAH: Or I am and you're just agreeing with me so I don't have a complete breakdown when you tell me this is just crazytalk.
SARAH: This can be the boy screening process. I can say...hey, which do you like more, cupcakes or muffins?
SARAH: And if they say muffins, they are out.
KATE: Devious.
SARAH: So out.
SARAH: Or if they said that they liked banana cupcakes
SARAH: Those fuckers won't know what hit them.
KATE: The door
KATE: on the ass.
SARAH: Home to the bed.
KATE: Put 'em in the clink.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part I

SARAH: A relationship that nobody's calling a relationship is like a cupcake without frosting. What the fuck is the point?
KATE: I know. It seems like it should work but it never will.
SARAH: He's a fucking muffin, apparently.
SARAH: I want to be a cupcake, he wants to be a muffin.
SARAH: This is a good analogy.
KATE: I like it!
SARAH: I should just shout at him "CUPCAKE OR MUFFIN, ACHILLES. CUPCAKE OR FUCKING MUFFIN."
KATE: Omg please do.
KATE: Out of nowhere.
SARAH: It's cupcake or muffin. You're with someone or you're not.
SARAH: You can be the dessert everyone craves...or a breakfast time thing possibly filled with bran
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Bran.
SARAH: That's why you don't want to be a muffin.
KATE: But the point is you should know what you want to make before you make it, no?
KATE: Like you don't start making cupcakes and decide halfway through, "oh, these are muffins."
SARAH: Yes, you have to know if you're making cupcakes or muffins before you start.
SARAH: because cupcakes and muffins are so different.
SARAH: You'[re going to piss people off if you tell them you're making cupcakes and give them muffins.
KATE: Dude, no kidding.
KATE: I'd be pissed.
SARAH: You can scrape off the frosting, but it's still there
KATE: All soggy.
SARAH: I don't know if this makes us brilliant or insane.
KATE: Definitely both.
SARAH: But it works.

Nobody Has Ever Been This Sick Before, Ever.

SARAH: He's a bigger wuss than you or I.
SARAH: cough cough I am so sick!
SARAH: I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie here I am so sick
KATE: black lung
KATE: koff koff
SARAH: Goooooooooodbye cruel world!
SARAH: I was but a young man until a papercut stole my life!