Another Wild Night in Cupcake Land

KATE: (stepping out of the shower, calling down the stairs): Hey, I thought of something.
SARAH: What?
KATE: It's the dorkiest hypothetical question in human history. I mean it.
SARAH: What is it?
KATE: If I cast Lumos solem, would I break out in hives?

SARAH stands at the foot of the stairs, speechless.

KATE: Is it real sunlight? Like would the UV rays affect my immune system?
SARAH: You are not allowed to take showers anymore.

Editor's Note: Turfucken.

We made up a new word. A disgruntled e-mail arrived and included the phrase "fucken politics." We decided that "fucken" was a combination of "fuck" and "chicken." We then decided that it was like a turducken, which is a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey. And then we invented "turfucken." And then we realized we needed to be able to use "turfucken" in a sentence, so here it is:

"Oh, I would, but I'm not up turfucken tonight."

Like Your Mother Didn't Know.

I should go to the post office tomorrow during lunch. We need to remember to make out checks for April rent. I will do that tonight when I get back to the house. Look at me, doing stuff. Doing stuff...in the future.

In the future, no one wears pants.

The Trials and Tribulations of Knowing You Have Corn Dogs in the Freezer at Home

Suddenly, even though I've eaten lunch, I have a NEED for a corn dog. A MIGHTY NEED FOR A CORN DOG. Man, sometimes we are so white trash I can't barely stand us.

Sarah Makes a Friend

SARAH: So I work with this sweet guy and I want him to be my friend
SARAH: So I'm going to threaten to add him as a friend on Facebook.
KATE: It's not really much of a threat. I mean, I'm glad you're my friend. I don't find it to be a punishment.
SARAH: Of course you’re going to say that being my friend isn’t a punishment. I know where you live and sleep and eat.

That's Not My Name

KATE: Oh NO. Someone's ringtone is Owl City blops and bleeps.
KATE: FAILLLLLLLLLLLL.
KATE: Dammit now I have Owl City stuck in my head.
KATE: I will find you
KATE: Whoever you are.
SARAH: Bleep bloop
SARAH: blop blop
KATE: sigh.
SARAH: Beep beep beepity beep
SARAH: blop
KATE: Thanks.
SARAH: That's Owl City for you.
KATE: Bleep bloop bloopity bloop to you.
SARAH: There was something I was going to tell you.
KATE: I hope it was real words
KATE: And not bleeps.
SARAH: As if maybe I haven't seen you in years.
KATE: Right, right.
SARAH: No, it was going to be real words.
SARAH: But now you've given me the idea of bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: You're going to be like "Do we have any milk?" and I will say BEEPITY BEEP
SARAH: And you'll hit me.
KATE: I really, really will.
SARAH: Nice, Kate.
SARAH: Very nice.
KATE: Classy lady, coming through.
SARAH: Ting ting!
KATE: Ting ting!
KATE: Bitch trolley, merrily careening across town.
SARAH: Yes.
SARAH: And you have on a conductor's hat.
SARAH: And you're giving everyone the finger.
KATE: Yes.
KATE: Ting ting.
SARAH: Shut up and let her go

Sarah's Huge in Japan

SARAH: I am glad you live with me now, because now you are mine and I don't have to share you.
SARAH: Please imagine me squeezing you and carrying you around like a rag doll, because that's how I see this all happening.
SARAH: Because you are small and I am Godzilla.
KATE: Like Mindy and Buttons
SARAH: Or King Kong
KATE: Or that.
SARAH: Or some other scary large being that destroys most everything.

Sarah Detects.

SARAH: Fact - the whole upstairs smells like a Christmas tree.
SARAH: I think it's because of the sun hitting the wreath in the door.
SARAH: Take that, Encyclopedia Brown!

Sarah is Everyone's Favorite Neighbor

SARAH: There's now lots of children shouting and running outside.
SARAH: Not sure why that's going on.
SARAH: WHY ARE THERE CHILDREN?
SARAH: They sound so joyful.
KATE: GO TO SCHOOL, CHILDREN.
SARAH: SRSLY. GO, AND STOP RUNNING.
SARAH: I WILL COME OUT THERE AND BEAT YOU WITH GARBAGE.
KATE: Please please do.
SARAH: Stand still, child. I would like to beat you. With our garbage.

Sarah's Laws of Matter

SARAH: We are all kinds of broken.
KATE: We are.
SARAH: Maybe next Halloween we should go as healthy people.
KATE: We'd never pass.
SARAH: It's only for one day. We might be able to pull it off.
SARAH: Fact- I am bouncing around my room singing Ingrid Michaelson.
KATE: Fact: I was bouncing at my desk doing that when you said that.
SARAH: Fact - GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
KATE: gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
SARAH: I love us.
KATE: I do too.
SARAH: We are the best thing to ever happen to the universe
SARAH: Ever.
SARAH: Fuck the Big Bang, there was jack shit nothing before Sarah and Kate.
SARAH: I'm dancing around with Halloween socks and my Monarch sweatshirt on.
SARAH: Maybe I can get creative and make new words to "I'm On a Boat."
SARAH: That includes the phrase
SARAH: FUCK THE UNIVERSE, IT'S KATE AND SARAH, MOTHERFUCKER
SARAH: FUCK THE MILKY WAY, IT'S CUPCAKE LAND, MOTHERFUCKER˙

Texts from Sarah

I almost just told the Comcast guy who came to the door that we don't believe in the internet.

Sarah Loves Going to the Hospital

SARAH: So...I might have sprained my ankle.
SARAH: Ask me how.
KATE: Sarahhhhhhh
KATE: How?
SARAH: My toes got tangled up in my ipod wire that connects the pod to my computer
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: and I tripped.
SARAH: I was running because my toast dinged and I wanted it.
KATE: Of course.
KATE: I will be home in a few hours. Try not to die before then.
SARAH: I can't make any promises.
SARAH: I have to go to the store yet,
SARAH: I could die there.
KATE: Please don't.

Sarah Loves Our Neighborhood

SARAH: HOLY HELL, GET YOUR KID OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU IDIOT.
SARAH: Srsly, you know what time your kid gets home...be there. otherwise the bus goes careening around the neighborhood and the fucking bus driver just leans on the horn for 5 minutes...
SARAH: I AM TRYING TO BE FUNEMPLOYED IN PEACE OVER HERE, ASSHATS
SARAH: I would say I'm done, but we both know I'm not.
KATE: No, of course not.

Today's Disaster.

KATE: Oh, Sarah. We have each other.
KATE: and underpants
KATE: and Cupcake Land
KATE: and Ben and Jerry
KATE: and that might be it for us.
SARAH: And if we ever were to sit on the couch in our underpants, watching Reno 911 and eating Ben and Jerry's...that would really be it for us.
KATE: With cats.
KATE: Suicide pact.
KATE: That's the end.
SARAH: I can see the end - I feel like it's not far off.
KATE: Oh my god, don't say that.
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: Also, I have a coupon for free Ben and Jerry's.
KATE: Stop it.
SARAH: So really..this is the end.
KATE: But Sarah,
KATE: we're too cute to die!
SARAH: Kate, I'm just throwing this out there--
SARAH: If I'm not seriously dating someone by the time I'm 30, I'm killing everyone.
KATE: Sounds good.
SARAH: Not you.
KATE: No, me too, please.
SARAH: NO, if I'm going to be miserable, I'm taking you down with me.
SARAH: Additionally, killing everyone isn't going to lead to me finding someone...
SARAH: But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt

A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.

SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
  
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane

Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
 
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?


*To clarify: They never went out.

Cupcake Land? Or Mordhaus?

Kate, this is a house of evil we're building.

KATE: Uh, hello Cupcake Land.
SARAH: OMG YES NEVER ENOUGH GLITTER
SARAH: Do the curtains you're making have glitter on them? Because they should.
KATE: The curtains will not have glitter but other things can.
KATE:  I can make seat covers out of shiny fabric.
SARAH:I didn't know that you knew how to sew.
KATE: I don't.
SARAH: Oh.
SARAH: Well, my mom knows how to sew and I kind of know.
SARAH: Not that you want my mom to help you do anything.
KATE: No, I do not.
SARAH: Except kill yourself. She could help you do that.
KATE: She's certainly a motivating factor.

How's That For a Mental Picture?

SARAH: I'm looking at new mattresses online. Mine is a twin.
KATE: Ah. Yeah, that's itty bitty.
SARAH: It's hard to have sexytimes in - just in case you wanted to know.
SARAH: I mean, in college my bed was against the wall, so it was better,
SARAH: but now my bed is in the middle of the room and you can fall out of bed AT ANY MOMENT during sexytimes.
KATE: Not so good.
SARAH: Someone is going to f***ing get hurt
SARAH: also get hurt f***ing.
KATE: I was going to say that.
SARAH: Charming and classy ladies,
SARAH: right f***ing here.

Na na na na na na na na naaaaaaa Rivers Cuomo, We Blame You For This

KATE: We could get cupcake magnets for the fridge!
SARAH: We could MAKE cupcake magnets.
KATE: We COULD.
SARAH: ARTS AND F***ING CRAFTS, MOTHERF***ER