Guess Who's Back, Part I

Editor's note: Sarah's a manager now. 

SARAH: Oh my god, I have to take this stupid management training thing.
SARAH: I can't even explain what's going on here.
SARAH: There's a lot of feedback in the narration--yes, it is narrated--and then there is this weird whistling music in the background.
SARAH: Right now they are defining what a manager is.
SARAH: And there is still elevator music going on.
SARAH: The music is different on every slide and it's making me insane. PICK SOME MUSIC AND GO WITH IT.
SARAH: Last slide of the presentation?
SARAH: "What is a manager?"
SARAH: "YOU ARE A MANAGER."

It's Like Melville Meets Verne...Meets Cosby.

KATE: I got pudding for snack.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.

A few minutes pass.

KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring (Banana Face!)

SARAH: Just told one of my coworkers I was going to punch her in the banana face.
KATE: What does that even mean?
SARAH: She was eating a banana. Thus...banana face.
SARAH: Going to get punched there. And it's going to hurt. Or at least I think it will.
SARAH: That’s what happens when you have a banana face.

Texts from Sarah: Rush Hour Edition

I need a vanity plate that says HATEU

Introducing: Flaky Cat Lady (Sarah Hates All Her Coworkers)

Where the hell is Ollie’s time machine? I need it to make this day over SHUT UP FLAKY CAT LADY

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND FULL OF VODKA, FLAKY CAT LADY, PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH

Introducing: Flour Face.

Flour Face is all ilke, “MY DAD HAS A GARDEN. MY DAD HAS APPLE TREES. MY DAD GROWS FRUIT.”

Fine. See if I bring you fuckers any fruit. You’ve lost your fruit privileges. I’m going to eat all the blueberries without you. I’m going to bring in a dozen blueberry muffins and eat them all myself. Whorebags.

And I’m going to shout ‘OH MAN, THESE MUFFINS ARE AMAZING. I WISH I HAD SOME FRIENDS TO SHARE THESE MUFFINS WITH”

Then I’ll sing the Jack Johnson sharing song about how it’s always more fun to share with everyone except I’ll change the words to “I WON’T SHARE WITH EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BITCHES BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE, THEY JUST CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY”

That might be too long though.

...Also, I just drooled all over my hand and I’m not sure how that happened. My mouth wasn’t even open, I don’t think.

Sarah in: The Decisionator

SARAH: Do you know this stuff with this media company has been going on for almost a month now?
KATE: Nonsense. That is nonsense.
SARAH: I interviewed on Jan 8th.
SARAH: You don't have to tell me it's nonsense. I am aware.
SARAH: I want to find this company that is being a pain in the ass and go and punch them.
SARAH: And be like THIS IS A JOB I NEED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS I WILL HIT YOU.
KATE: That seems like it might speed up their decision process.
SARAH: I hate these people.
KATE: Then let's hope you don't have to work with them.
SARAH: I know decisions relating to businesses are not ones to be taken lightly
SARAH: BUT SERIOUSLY? A MONTH?!
SARAH: Maybe companies should hire me to go and help clients decide
SARAH: and I can just bust in the potential client's office, all jeans and steel-toed Clydesdale-kicking boots and demand answers
SARAH: and JUSTICE.
KATE: Yes PLEASE.
KATE: And you need a costume.
KATE: To go with those boots.
SARAH: And I can roll up blasting Miranda Lambert and be so fired up.
KATE: A costume. Preferably involving gloves.
KATE: And a cape.
SARAH And I'll just go and say MAKE A CHOICE, YOU IDIOTS
KATE: I love it.
KATE: You can be called The Decisionator
SARAH: YES I CAN
SARAH: And every hour that goes by that they don't make a choice, I break something.
KATE: I love you.
SARAH: One hour down - picture of your family gets crushed.
SARAH: 2 hours - I'm going to break the lamp.
SARAH: 3 hours (god help you) - it's going to be some little paperweight that you got in Aruba.
SARAH: I will not stop until you make a choice. Because a MONTH is unacceptable.
KATE: You could so totes rent yourself out
KATE: as The Decisionator.
KATE: Sarah does not sleep. She waits.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I wait.

Sarah Loves Everybody

SARAH: My status message this morning was "getting a BA in housewivery"
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part II

SARAH: Muffins can be purchased almost anywhere. But cupcakes?
KATE: Very special.
SARAH: You have to go to someplace special to get a good cupcake.
KATE: Damn straight.
SARAH: Jesus, we're impressive.
KATE: We really are.
KATE: What's up liberal arts!
SARAH: Or I am and you're just agreeing with me so I don't have a complete breakdown when you tell me this is just crazytalk.
SARAH: This can be the boy screening process. I can say...hey, which do you like more, cupcakes or muffins?
SARAH: And if they say muffins, they are out.
KATE: Devious.
SARAH: So out.
SARAH: Or if they said that they liked banana cupcakes
SARAH: Those fuckers won't know what hit them.
KATE: The door
KATE: on the ass.
SARAH: Home to the bed.
KATE: Put 'em in the clink.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part I

SARAH: A relationship that nobody's calling a relationship is like a cupcake without frosting. What the fuck is the point?
KATE: I know. It seems like it should work but it never will.
SARAH: He's a fucking muffin, apparently.
SARAH: I want to be a cupcake, he wants to be a muffin.
SARAH: This is a good analogy.
KATE: I like it!
SARAH: I should just shout at him "CUPCAKE OR MUFFIN, ACHILLES. CUPCAKE OR FUCKING MUFFIN."
KATE: Omg please do.
KATE: Out of nowhere.
SARAH: It's cupcake or muffin. You're with someone or you're not.
SARAH: You can be the dessert everyone craves...or a breakfast time thing possibly filled with bran
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Bran.
SARAH: That's why you don't want to be a muffin.
KATE: But the point is you should know what you want to make before you make it, no?
KATE: Like you don't start making cupcakes and decide halfway through, "oh, these are muffins."
SARAH: Yes, you have to know if you're making cupcakes or muffins before you start.
SARAH: because cupcakes and muffins are so different.
SARAH: You'[re going to piss people off if you tell them you're making cupcakes and give them muffins.
KATE: Dude, no kidding.
KATE: I'd be pissed.
SARAH: You can scrape off the frosting, but it's still there
KATE: All soggy.
SARAH: I don't know if this makes us brilliant or insane.
KATE: Definitely both.
SARAH: But it works.

Don't Fix It if It Ain't Broken, Folks

SARAH: Excuse me
KATE: Yes?
SARAH: but what the fuck is THIS shit?
KATE: Sacrilege. That's what that is.
SARAH: UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE
SARAH: I just made up a word to tell you how horrible it is.
SARAH: I mean, people say that all the time
SARAH: but not all smashed together.
SARAH: MY ANGER SMASHES THINGS
KATE: It's bon mot, too. Exactly the right word.
KATE: Maybe you should put on the tiny shirt
KATE: So you can go hulk.
SARAH: Oh, I am so peeved right now.
SARAH: And then everyone is going to prance into B&N and act like this is the first Winnie the Pooh book ever
KATE: ugh
SARAH:"You know, the one with the otter?"
KATE: No, they'll call it a beaver
SARAH: and I would say "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THE OTTER TOO"
KATE: Or like an elephant
SARAH: Or a badger
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: They will call it a fucking badger
KATE: They don't know what badgers are.
SARAH: ARGH "Eeyore would have a more proactive role than in the originals...and Christopher Robin would return."
SARAH: NO
KATE: WHAT?
KATE: NO.
KATE: EEYORE IS PASSIVE.
SARAH: The reason eeyore is awesome is because he's such an asshole
SARAH: and hates EVERYTHING
SARAH: ARG
SARAH: SARAH SMASH ENGLAND
KATE: omg please do.
KATE: You will be Europe's Godzilla.
SARAH: YES
SARAH: I hope so.
SARAH: Fucking commies in England
SARAH: bastardizing Winnie the Pooh
KATE: Otter commies.
SARAH: I'm coming for you fuckers.
SARAH: Badger nazis!
KATE: That's what they are.

The Lovers, Reunited After Two Birthdays

BJ: So, you're one year closer to death now.
BJ: I had no idea that your birthday was so close to the High Holy Day that is my birthday.
SARAH: Well, my birthday is first because I am better.
BJ: ...
BJ: Your birthday is a week after mine.
SARAH: Mine is better.
BJ: By your own logic, I am better.
BJ: I have won this already.
SARAH: You can bite me, BJ.
BJ: I am the victor.
SARAH: You can just bite me.
BJ: I AM THE VICTOR.
SARAH: And no more fucking cupcakes for you.
BJ: =(
SARAH: HA
BJ: Kate will bake me cupcakes! You're not the boss of her!
SARAH: I'm not the boss of her, but I'm her housewife.
SARAH: and therefore...no.
SARAH: I win.
BJ: I am still the victor.
BJ: Never forget that.
SARAH: You are not.
SARAH: and I already have.
BJ: NEVER FORGET.
BJ: Then you hate America.
SARAH: Good, I do.
BJ: You hate Amer'ca.
SARAH: If you're america, that's terrible and yes, I totally hate it.
BJ: Terrorist.
SARAH: I don't think that i'm a terrorist. I'm just someone that dislikes you. A lot.
BJ: Terrorists never think that they're terrorists.

Sarah, Happy Homemaker

I found a recipe for baked ziti. All these people commented on the recipe saying that they are going to layer the ziti with the cheese mixture and the sauce and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, IDIOT PEOPLE? LASAGNA. YOU HAVE MADE LASAGNA. To mix all of it together is baked ziti. Fucking IDIOTS.

Sarah Loves Our Neighborhood

SARAH: HOLY HELL, GET YOUR KID OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU IDIOT.
SARAH: Srsly, you know what time your kid gets home...be there. otherwise the bus goes careening around the neighborhood and the fucking bus driver just leans on the horn for 5 minutes...
SARAH: I AM TRYING TO BE FUNEMPLOYED IN PEACE OVER HERE, ASSHATS
SARAH: I would say I'm done, but we both know I'm not.
KATE: No, of course not.

We're Not Dead! But We Might Be Soon!, or, Sarah Has Lyme Disease

SARAH: THANKS FUCKING DEER TICKS I WILL KILL YOU ALL
KATE: That would be good if you could do that
SARAH: I wish I knew how.
KATE: I wish we had saved that tick
KATE: So I could light it on fire again
SARAH: But you already lit it on fire once
KATE: I know, but now that you definitely have Lyme I want to do it again.
SARAH: FUCKING LYME

Sarah and the Hamburgers of Hatred

SARAH: So I'm thinking of all the things that we might be having for dinner tonight, and $5 says it's hot dogs and hamburgers, because that's the default food in my house. When my mom doesn't know what to make, that's what she makes. Not pasta. Not something logical. F***ing hotdogs and hamburgers.
SARAH: and it makes me SO MAD
SARAH: and for that reason, cookouts make me annoyed.
KATE: Why does it make you mad?
SARAH: Well, to make hot dogs and hamburgers, you have to go to the store and get rolls.
SARAH: like...if you're going GET SOMETHING TO EAT...
SARAH: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
KATE: I would just like you to know
KATE: That in my head what you're typing is being read by Lewis Black.
SARAH: YESSSSSSSSS
KATE: Lots of fist-waving.
SARAH: I don't think it's good for anyone to eat that much processed meat.
SARAH: But it doesn't bother anyone,
SARAH: except me.
SARAH: And I'm like F***ING GODDAMN HOTDOGS
SARAH: I DON'T WANT TO EAT THESE
SARAH: but...if I go out, I'll have a hamburger.
SARAH: I just don't want it to come from my house.
KATE: Those are the hamburgers of hatred.
SARAH: Okay, time to go home!
SARAH: Where there will hopefully not be hot dogs and hamburgers
SARAH: because otherwise, sh** is getting broken.