SARAH: The last email from New Guy told me that people in the room next to his are being very shouty and he wants to shank them.
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?
Showing posts with label meta is the new black. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meta is the new black. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
She Works Hard for It, Honey
SARAH: Actual words that I said to NewGuy on Sunday:
SARAH: “Please make sure your brother knows that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: I’m only here at night and he never sees me.
SARAH: I’m not a hooker. Tell him that.”
KATE: I think that's very smart of you. I hope he tells him that.
KATE: I mean, NewGuy seems like a cool guy.
KATE: I don't think he'd need a hooker, let alone one on a weekly schedule, but you never know.
SARAH: No, he doesn’t need a hooker.
SARAH: Also, I’m so not getting paid for this, so I’m going to have to start charging him.
SARAH: Also, I don’t want to be a hooker. I really don’t.
KATE: Don't be a hooker.
KATE: Can I put this on Best of Sarah?
SARAH: I almost want to brag to all the Best of Sarah readers that I am having the sexytimes.
SARAH: Because it’s that important.
SARAH: So sure. Tell the readers that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: Just in case they wondered.
SARAH: Sarah – So Totes Not a Hooker.
SARAH: Hookers don’t have families.
SARAH: We both know that I have a family.
SARAH: Therefore, I can never be a hooker.
SARAH: “Please make sure your brother knows that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: I’m only here at night and he never sees me.
SARAH: I’m not a hooker. Tell him that.”
KATE: I think that's very smart of you. I hope he tells him that.
KATE: I mean, NewGuy seems like a cool guy.
KATE: I don't think he'd need a hooker, let alone one on a weekly schedule, but you never know.
SARAH: No, he doesn’t need a hooker.
SARAH: Also, I’m so not getting paid for this, so I’m going to have to start charging him.
SARAH: Also, I don’t want to be a hooker. I really don’t.
KATE: Don't be a hooker.
KATE: Can I put this on Best of Sarah?
SARAH: I almost want to brag to all the Best of Sarah readers that I am having the sexytimes.
SARAH: Because it’s that important.
SARAH: So sure. Tell the readers that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: Just in case they wondered.
SARAH: Sarah – So Totes Not a Hooker.
SARAH: Hookers don’t have families.
SARAH: We both know that I have a family.
SARAH: Therefore, I can never be a hooker.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sarah Takes A Practical Approach to Pets
SARAH:The adorable dog that I love from the shelter has an application in. I want it to not be that way – but I can’t possibly take her home.
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds.
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her.
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate. She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME. She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine. Also, chicken butt.
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds.
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her.
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate. She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME. She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine. Also, chicken butt.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sarah May Need a New Hobby
SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Introducing Chatty Cathy
KATE: It's not even 9am. Chatty Cathy is on her third gossip call.
KATE: To quote the great Albus Dumbledore: KILL. MEEEEEEEEEEEE.
KATE: Also
KATE: Good morning.
SARAH: Good morning.
KATE: I seriously wish I could drink poison.
KATE: Not that horcrux juice, but real poison.
SARAH: This is a Best of Sarah conversation and I didn't even do anything.
KATE: Merry Christmas.
SARAH Fucking for serious.
KATE: So I have been waking up every few hours for the last few nights.
KATE: It's bull
KATE: And does not make me predisposed to NOT poison myself.
SARAH: I love you.
SARAH: Just when I think I can't love you any more - I love you more.
KATE: To quote the great Albus Dumbledore: KILL. MEEEEEEEEEEEE.
KATE: Also
KATE: Good morning.
SARAH: Good morning.
KATE: I seriously wish I could drink poison.
KATE: Not that horcrux juice, but real poison.
SARAH: This is a Best of Sarah conversation and I didn't even do anything.
KATE: Merry Christmas.
SARAH Fucking for serious.
KATE: So I have been waking up every few hours for the last few nights.
KATE: It's bull
KATE: And does not make me predisposed to NOT poison myself.
SARAH: I love you.
SARAH: Just when I think I can't love you any more - I love you more.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sarah Loves Everybody
SARAH: My status message this morning was "getting a BA in housewivery"
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Lovers: An Aside
SARAH: BJ is talking to me.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.
BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.
Some time later.
SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.
BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.
Some time later.
SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Domain Name Probably Isn't Taken.
SARAH: Why are all the websites for men funny, and none of the ones for women?
KATE: Well, duh, Sarah, women aren't funny.
KATE: We're just here for decoration.
SARAH: Rephrase - why are there no funny women websites?
SARAH: What the frig is that about?
SARAH: We should start one.
SARAH: (Other than Best of Sarah)
KATE: I was going to say,
KATE: we kind of have.
SARAH: We should start another one,
SARAH: called "We Can Be Funny Too, You Assholes"
KATE: Well, duh, Sarah, women aren't funny.
KATE: We're just here for decoration.
SARAH: Rephrase - why are there no funny women websites?
SARAH: What the frig is that about?
SARAH: We should start one.
SARAH: (Other than Best of Sarah)
KATE: I was going to say,
KATE: we kind of have.
SARAH: We should start another one,
SARAH: called "We Can Be Funny Too, You Assholes"
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Check and Mate.
ACHILLES: You just made up and are trying to be some sort of internet celebrity.
SARAH: Honey, I already am.
SARAH: (HELLO, Best of Sarah)
SARAH: Honey, I already am.
SARAH: (HELLO, Best of Sarah)
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