Not Even Once.

SARAH: I’m seeing the lady pocket doctor on Thursday and we have a lot to discuss.
KATE: Hey! You can say, "OMG GUESS WHAT I HAD SEX LIKE FOUR JILLION TIMES."
KATE: And that'll be cool.
KATE: Right? Right.
SARAH: I don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I had sex 4 jillion times.
SARAH: Wait. Who am I kidding? Yes I am.
SARAH: I will proudly tell her that.
SARAH: Followed by “AND I DIDN’T GET KNOCKED UP ONCE. THERE’S NO BUN IN THIS OVEN!”
SARAH: I feel like I should have a pin that says that or something.

She Works Hard for It, Honey

SARAH: Actual words that I said to NewGuy on Sunday:
SARAH: “Please make sure your brother knows that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: I’m only here at night and he never sees me.
SARAH: I’m not a hooker. Tell him that.”
KATE: I think that's very smart of you. I hope he tells him that.
KATE: I mean, NewGuy seems like a cool guy.
KATE: I don't think he'd need a hooker, let alone one on a weekly schedule, but you never know.
SARAH: No, he doesn’t need a hooker.
SARAH: Also, I’m so not getting paid for this, so I’m going to have to start charging him.
SARAH: Also, I don’t want to be a hooker. I really don’t.
KATE: Don't be a hooker.
KATE: Can I put this on Best of Sarah?
SARAH: I almost want to brag to all the Best of Sarah readers that I am having the sexytimes.
SARAH: Because it’s that important.
SARAH: So sure. Tell the readers that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: Just in case they wondered.
SARAH: Sarah – So Totes Not a Hooker.
SARAH: Hookers don’t have families.
SARAH: We both know that I have a family.
SARAH: Therefore, I can never be a hooker.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

SARAH: Borat knows about Best of Sarah but I haven’t sent him the link.  It’s a little...much.
SARAH: Also, all I talk about is drinking, steak and sexy times. 
SARAH: I don’t think that really is all I’m about. 
SARAH: I also like cupcakes. 
SARAH: And glitter. 
SARAH: And goddamn unicorns.
SARAH: And did I mention you?  I LOVE YOU TOTES GAY OVER HERE

Texts from Sarah: Airport Security Edition

SARAH: Guess who just got frisked!
SARAH: That's the most action I've gotten in months.
SARAH: I almost wanted to thank her

We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.

KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men. 
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle. 
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that?  Everyone wants that.  HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles.  Sexytimes.  I want such simple things. 
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it. 
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Asked to See a Dessert Menu

SARAH: When I was in the bathroom washing my hands, I got a hardcore craving for a NY strip steak.  HEY BOYS. BUY ME STEAK.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical?  We may have thought that I have grown, but no.  I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak. 
SARAH: And I want a salad too. 
SARAH: And some vodka drinks. 
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.

Sarah Goes Out for Lunch

Just got back from lunch at my grandma’s house. We sat on the deck and then I had a popsicle. There is no way to eat a popsicle that doesn’t look like a bj. Just saying.