SARAH: I do not have plans on Sunday, other than to wallow in a puddle of tears.
SARAH: I KID. It won’t be a puddle.
SARAH: It will be a bathtub.
KATE: There's a Dethklok song called "Briefcase Full of Guts."
KATE: That's kind of like a bathtub full of tears.
KATE: And you can't forget "Suitcase Full of Vomit."
SARAH: That’s right. Suitcase full of vomit. Briefcase full of guts.
SARAH: Hatbox full of underarm sweat.
SARAH: It’s all the same.
Showing posts with label pits of freedom saga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pits of freedom saga. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Pits of Freedom Saga: Acceptance
SARAH: Kate. Can I tell you something?
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.
SARAH: I think the mystery of the gross sweaty armpits might be done.
SARAH: It might be. OH HURRAY!
KATE: That would be wonderful.
KATE: No moar fire? Or moar fire?
SARAH: No, I think I have to napalm my armpits like, once a week or something.
SARAH: So I will do that.
SARAH: Fire armpits, coming at you once a week until I stop being a gross sweaty person.
KATE: You should schedule it and have streaming video of you screaming and running around the house slapping your pits.
KATE: Once a week. You'd have a bajillion viewers.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued Further
SARAH: PLEASE STOP BURNING ARMPITS
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued
SARAH: SWEET DUMBLEDORE ARMPITS, WHY?
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.
A few minutes pass.
SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.
A few minutes pass.
SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution
SARAH: Kateeeeeee
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.
SARAH: Non-sweaty armpit stuff burns
SARAH: Like bad.
KATE: That's not right! It should not burn, dude.
SARAH: Ahhhhhh make it stop
SARAH: I want to run around with my arms up
KATE: I think you should.
SARAH: IF ONLY I COULD BLOW IN MY ARMPITS JESUS THIS BURNS
KATE: Did you ask your mom if it was supposed to burn?
KATE: This does not seem therapeutic.
SARAH: SWEET GOD OW
SARAH: THIS SHIT BETTER WORK
KATE: I'm sorry, dude. This is not cool.
KATE: Or free.
KATE: There is nothing about this that is like freedom.
SARAH: It doesn't feel like freedom.
SARAH: This feels like burning and sadness.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution Fails
SARAH: Guess who’s back!?
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution, Continued
SARAH: So I don’t think I’m as sweaty with this boy deodorant one, which is good.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.
The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution
EDITOR'S NOTE: The "prescription" turned out to be "wear men's deodorant." The first prescription, that is. Read on...
SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?
SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.
SARAH: I'm in the deodorant aisle trying to pick out a boy deodorant.
KATE: That's awesome! You should get some Old Spice.
KATE: Then you'd no longer be sweaty.
KATE: You'd also be on a horse.
SARAH: This deodorant claims to smell like ice, wind, and freedom.
SARAH: How can something smell like ice?
SARAH: Wait a minute. Freedom?
KATE: Maybe it smells like free ice?
SARAH: I'm totally buying this.
SARAH: I'm going to have Ice Pits.
(Editor's Note) The Pits of Freedom Saga: Prologue
A few weeks ago, Sarah started sweating. Profusely. So much so that she was first embarrassed, then concerned. She asked her mother, who is a horrible person but also a nurse, what to do. Later that day, her mother sent her an e-mail that read, simply:
I have a prescription for your problem
This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.
I have a prescription for your problem
This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.
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