Guess Who's Back, Part IV

SARAH: There are quizzes at the end of the segments.  

SARAH: This one is a word search.  

SARAH: They aren't giving you the words.

SARAH: You have to fill in the blank and then find the word. That is...what. No. 

SARAH: I don't want to play this stupid game anymore, grandma.

SARAH: I just want to find dirty words, like "dicklicker."  

SARAH: Not words like "trust" and "recognition​."

SARAH: I did find the word "queef." I'm done.

KATE: Congratulations. You are now a manager.

Guess Who's Back, Part II

SARAH: Oh, good, I GET TO TAKE A QUIZ

KATE: You are Mr. Manager.

SARAH: I am.  I am Mr. Manager and I will manage you SO HARD.

SARAH: Talking point on this slide: "Introduce new hire to their accountabilities."

SARAH: Like that's a person.  that you shake hands with.  

SARAH: It's like having a puppy.

SARAH: SOCIALIZE your new hire.  help them ADAPT to the new environment.

SARAH: They are talking about the millennials now.  

SARAH: They can open multiple tabs in Internet Explorer!  

SARAH: They can search for things AND listen to music!  

SARAH: They are highly educated and well informed!  

SARAH: THEY PLAY ANGRY BIRDS.

SARAH: YOU may even be a millenial, they said.  

SARAH: YOU COULD BE ONE TOO. THEY ARE AMONG US

Guess Who's Back, Part I

Editor's note: Sarah's a manager now. 

SARAH: Oh my god, I have to take this stupid management training thing.
SARAH: I can't even explain what's going on here.
SARAH: There's a lot of feedback in the narration--yes, it is narrated--and then there is this weird whistling music in the background.
SARAH: Right now they are defining what a manager is.
SARAH: And there is still elevator music going on.
SARAH: The music is different on every slide and it's making me insane. PICK SOME MUSIC AND GO WITH IT.
SARAH: Last slide of the presentation?
SARAH: "What is a manager?"
SARAH: "YOU ARE A MANAGER."

Checks and Balances at Work

SARAH: (mumbling under her breath) And I’m going to punch you right in your girlface.
SARAH'S COWORKER: You need to take a deep breath and closed your damn eyes…and work for the rest of the day.
SARAH'S COWORKER: Right now.

She's Not Wrong.

SARAH: Still digging out from all my emails. 
SARAH: It probably doesn’t help that I have some serious ADD right now.
SARAH: OMG BREAD IS SO GOOD.

Sarah Experiences Late Afternoon Malaise

SARAH: How is it not go-home time?
SARAH: How is this possible?
SARAH: Time is doing that standing-still bullshit and I have THINGS TO DO THAT ARE NOT HERE.
SARAH: Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t have anything to do.
SARAH: I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Is That Going to Stop Her? I Think You Know the Answer.

SARAH: Things I cannot do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt. 
SARAH: You want to see my boobs?  Now you can!

Sarah Does What She's Told (an e-mail from Sarah)

ME: I don't understand this.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: What don’t you understand?
ME: Like, all of it.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: Write down what you don’t understand.


So I took a piece of paper and wrote “everything.”

Texts from Sarah: 4:33 on a Thursday

SARAH: That-
SARAH: Kate.
SARAH: Boss Lady is singing The Thong Song.
SARAH: Jesus Christmas, what is going on here?

2 pm.

Kate.  Today should be over by now.  I timed it.

Sarah is Weary of Toil

SARAH: This is so much work. This is like the neverending project. I’m friggin’ Sisyphus over here. Why? Maybe I need Red Bull. I heard it gives you wings.
KATE: Yes. No to the Red Bull, but yes to the Sisyphus.
SARAH: Damn it. My life as a Greek myth.
SARAH: Scott Baio ruins everything.

Introducing: Flour Face.

Flour Face is all ilke, “MY DAD HAS A GARDEN. MY DAD HAS APPLE TREES. MY DAD GROWS FRUIT.”

Fine. See if I bring you fuckers any fruit. You’ve lost your fruit privileges. I’m going to eat all the blueberries without you. I’m going to bring in a dozen blueberry muffins and eat them all myself. Whorebags.

And I’m going to shout ‘OH MAN, THESE MUFFINS ARE AMAZING. I WISH I HAD SOME FRIENDS TO SHARE THESE MUFFINS WITH”

Then I’ll sing the Jack Johnson sharing song about how it’s always more fun to share with everyone except I’ll change the words to “I WON’T SHARE WITH EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BITCHES BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE, THEY JUST CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY”

That might be too long though.

...Also, I just drooled all over my hand and I’m not sure how that happened. My mouth wasn’t even open, I don’t think.

Sarah Makes a Friend

SARAH: So I work with this sweet guy and I want him to be my friend
SARAH: So I'm going to threaten to add him as a friend on Facebook.
KATE: It's not really much of a threat. I mean, I'm glad you're my friend. I don't find it to be a punishment.
SARAH: Of course you’re going to say that being my friend isn’t a punishment. I know where you live and sleep and eat.

She's Still Stapling

SARAH: I’m on my 4th thing of staples and not even close to finished. Stapling stapling.

some time later

SARAH: Still stapling

some time later

SARAH: I’m going to be stapling until my hand falls off. Still stapling. Still doing it. There is nothing else for me to do but staple. I would shank someone for any other kind of work at this point.

some time later

SARAH: I never want to see a staple again.

some time later

SARAH: Totally going to have to have reconstructive surgery on my staplin’ hand.

some time later

SARAH: Kill me.

Workman's Comp Hasn't Yet Kicked In, or, Sarah Starts Her New Job

SARAH: Oh my god I'm going to be stapling until I DIE
SARAH: Stapling stapling stapling
SARAH: You know how people get tennis elbow? I’m going to get stapling hand.
KATE: Don't get stapling hand. That's the least glamorous work-related injury I've ever heard of.
SARAH: No, some sort of STD would be the least glamorous work-related injury. Tootin’ ain’t easy.
KATE: Ohhhhhhhhh dear.
SARAH: Last week I took two birth control pills by mistake and nearly gave myself an accidental abortion.
KATE: You're not having sex.
SARAH: I know, but still.

Sarah in: The Decisionator

SARAH: Do you know this stuff with this media company has been going on for almost a month now?
KATE: Nonsense. That is nonsense.
SARAH: I interviewed on Jan 8th.
SARAH: You don't have to tell me it's nonsense. I am aware.
SARAH: I want to find this company that is being a pain in the ass and go and punch them.
SARAH: And be like THIS IS A JOB I NEED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS I WILL HIT YOU.
KATE: That seems like it might speed up their decision process.
SARAH: I hate these people.
KATE: Then let's hope you don't have to work with them.
SARAH: I know decisions relating to businesses are not ones to be taken lightly
SARAH: BUT SERIOUSLY? A MONTH?!
SARAH: Maybe companies should hire me to go and help clients decide
SARAH: and I can just bust in the potential client's office, all jeans and steel-toed Clydesdale-kicking boots and demand answers
SARAH: and JUSTICE.
KATE: Yes PLEASE.
KATE: And you need a costume.
KATE: To go with those boots.
SARAH: And I can roll up blasting Miranda Lambert and be so fired up.
KATE: A costume. Preferably involving gloves.
KATE: And a cape.
SARAH And I'll just go and say MAKE A CHOICE, YOU IDIOTS
KATE: I love it.
KATE: You can be called The Decisionator
SARAH: YES I CAN
SARAH: And every hour that goes by that they don't make a choice, I break something.
KATE: I love you.
SARAH: One hour down - picture of your family gets crushed.
SARAH: 2 hours - I'm going to break the lamp.
SARAH: 3 hours (god help you) - it's going to be some little paperweight that you got in Aruba.
SARAH: I will not stop until you make a choice. Because a MONTH is unacceptable.
KATE: You could so totes rent yourself out
KATE: as The Decisionator.
KATE: Sarah does not sleep. She waits.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I wait.

Witness the Power of this Fully Armed and Operational Short Girl

KATE: Oh NO NO NO. This intern has moved into the cubicle next to me and is playing his shitty rap music very loudly.
SARAH: Oh no.
SARAH: OH NO TERN.
KATE: TERN NO.
KATE: NO TERN.
SARAH: TERN.
SARAH: LISTEN UP.
KATE: He can't hear you.
KATE: His shitty music is too loud.
SARAH: KATE IS A VERY POWERFUL WIZARD
SARAH: AND SHE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
KATE: That's wonderful.
SARAH: You totes would.
SARAH: You're scrappy!
KATE: Scrappy.
SARAH: You will cut bitches.
SARAH: You tell him that.

Ground Control to Major Sarah

OKAY.
  
PEOPLE.
 
I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY HANDS.
  
When I answer the phone "Good morning, Company X," that's where you are calling. We are not the hospital. If you used the internet to find this number, you can find the number you want there. I want to be like FIND IT YOURSELF. Instead I will leave this woman on hold for a bit while I half-assedly look for the number. If you're going to be an idiot, I can be a bitch.
  
THOSE ARE THE RULES.

I did keep her on hold for 5 minutes though. It brought me joy...
  
I am the phone commander.

We're All Class Over Here

They are printing our business cards and we will have them on Friday. And then I can flash them around, and say THIS IS HOW YOU GET ME WHEN YOU NEED ME BECAUSE I AM FANCY AND IMPORTANT. And I could give them to boys. You know, in case they needed my "services." My "media planning and buying" services.

The Story of Andre, Who is 47,000 Feet Tall

OMG. So Andre and his adorable wife sat on that stage on the town green and ate their picnic lunch.

I want to wash my heart. It's so overwhelmed with joy.