Snake Oil is for Amateurs

KATE: I'm having an awful day.
KATE: And I'm covered in hives.
STARSHINE: Drink some water!
SARAH: Starshine knows what’s up. 
SARAH: And that is: drink all the water and then you can cure all your pains.
SARAH: We should sell bottled water as a miracle cure. 
SARAH: I bet it would work, too. We could be traveling medicine ladies and we could both tell everyone how water has fixed us. 
SARAH: Well, maybe you shouldn’t talk now because you have hives. 
SARAH: But I could say that water healed me.
KATE: Genius. It can be the Starshine-Sarah-Kate traveling medicine show.
KATE: With a soundtrack by the Full-Out Criers.
SARAH: We are going to make like, a million dollars.
SARAH: Can we travel around in a wagon with panels that come down when you pull on a rope? I feel that is only appropriate.
KATE: Absolutely. And we need top hats, and sticks, because you can't have a medicine show without gesturing and hitting things with your walking stick.
KATE: What'll we call it?
SARAH: I don’t know. We will figure it out. We need to make a website like, stat.
SARAH: And maybe if we’re REALLY good, we can have an infomercial where I can just say “BUY THIS MIRACLE WATER IT WILL CURE EVERYTHING INCLUDING PREGNANCY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK”
SARAH: Hmm…what should we call the magical miracle water?
KATE: Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: YES ABSOLUTELY YES
KATE: Unicorn Juice. Coming soon to a fairground and/or Target parking lot near you.

Heathen, Heal Thyself!

KATE: Feeling pukey.
KATE: Surprised? Nope.
KATE: Just pukey.
KATE: Totes just broke a nail by putting my hand on the desk. Gently.
KATE: Not gently enough, apparently.
SARAH: You’re a mess over there.
SARAH: Could you please settle down?
KATE: No, I cannot settle down.
KATE: I am just going to keep disintegrating until I fall apart completely.
KATE: So there.
SARAH: You need to learn to settle down before your arms fall off. Then what will you do?
SARAH: You’ll have to wear a helmet with a pencil attached just so you can type.
SARAH: You cannot be a copywriter without arms.
SARAH: I’m pretty sure that’s a rule or something.
KATE: You and your rules.
KATE: Damn the man. I don't need arms.
KATE: I may, however, need to eat something, since clearly I have lost my damn mind.
SARAH: They aren’t my rules. They are society’s rules.
SARAH: Maybe you should drink some water.

Is That Going to Stop Her? I Think You Know the Answer.

SARAH: Things I cannot do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt. 
SARAH: You want to see my boobs?  Now you can!

Taxonomy 101 With Kate and Sarah

SARAH: I just ate about 4 pounds of melon, so I should be good for a while. 
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.

SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening. 
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot. 
SARAH: Peepot.  YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.

Kate and Sarah: A Study in Hydrology

KATE: My headache is still there and I've almost finished my Nalgene. Guess it's time for another one. I love that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you and I drink water like it's going to fix things. It's not. It's a nice drink and everything, but clearly it has not cured us yet. But maybe we just haven't had enough. (har har).
SARAH: You are right about the water. We drink it like it’s some sort of magic potion…but it’s not. It just makes us pee a lot and THAT is not magic. That’s how your damn body works.

We Should Not Own Such Large Water Bottles.

Why do we drink so much water? I bet it's because we have diabetes. Or I have diabetes. You're probably just thirsty.

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem, Part II

I have been amazing today.

Also, I have drank so much water today that I can switch to vodka when I get home. I like my justification of things. I don’t need anyone to try to convince me otherwise. Drinking water all day allows you to drink vodka all night. Or at least until you pass out. One or the other. Something like that.

OMG TIME PLZ TO MOVE FORWARD.

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem

SARAH: 2 big bottles of water down. Totes going to pee myself.
SARAH: Fact - I have gone pee so many times today that I forgot how to wash my hands.
SARAH: Really.
SARAH: I went to the bathroom, went to the sink, got my hands wet…and then stood there for a moment, thinking about what my next action should be. So I got some paper towels to dry off my hands and I realized that I forgot soap. So I got my hands all wet all over again and used soap this time and then dried them off.
SARAH: Do not let me drink so much water during the day JESUS HOW IS IT ONLY 4 PM WHY IS TIME STANDING STILL
KATE: It's official. You have drowned your brain.