Never Forget.

SARAH: So what’s Fancy Lady doing on her date tonight?
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.

Silly New Manfriend.

SARAH: He thinks that every thing I do is reasonable which is BAD and DANGEROUS idea.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.

It's Like Melville Meets Verne...Meets Cosby.

KATE: I got pudding for snack.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.

A few minutes pass.

KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.

Sarah Has a Date Tonight

KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.

Web M(agical)D(octor)

SARAH: Kates, I would love to shank someone in order to go home and keep on reading Harry Potter.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.

The First Rule of Best of Sarah is You Don't Talk About Best of Sarah Except Actually You Do.

SARAH: The Frenemy is so wonderful.
SARAH: I wish I could be as awesome as she is.
KATE: You're a real person, so you're already awesomer.
KATE: I mean, you're mostly a real person.
KATE: I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder if you are my Tyler Durden.
SARAH: Yes. I am.
SARAH: All those bruises you have? That’s Sarah Tyler Durden, from the fight clubs I have at night.
SARAH: You’re really talking to yourself right now, not another person.
KATE: I KNEW IT.
KATE: Well, we may as well keep it up. I'm rather enjoying it.
SARAH: Totes fucking mcgoats.
SARAH: I am Kate’s sense of AWESOME and I am TINGLING

Sarah Has a Bad Day

SARAH: Well, I went to the dermatologist this morning because I was like, WHY DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE ASS?
SARAH: And she said, I DON'T KNOW, PUT THIS CREAM ON IT
SARAH: And I don't feel well
SARAH: And also, rain

Sarah Loves Doctors (and Doctors LOVE Sarah)

SARAH: I'm at the dermatologist's!
SARAH: And I will say, "Why does my face look so terrible?"
SARAH: And she will say, "Well, Sarah, you've got a nasty case of the assface"

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution Fails

SARAH: Guess who’s back!?
SARAH: SARAH SWEATS-A-LOT
KATE: Why is she back? What about the Pits of Freedom?
SARAH: My pits of freedom are apparently…not free.
SARAH: They have been chained down by the pores of sweatness.
SARAH: So now I have to go and get drying out deodorant.
SARAH: Because I am that gross.
KATE: Gosh. Well, I hope it works!
KATE: Maybe you can get some that smells like Efficiency, because Freedom is obviously not working.
KATE: Who would have ever thought that freedom would be the problem and not the solution?
SARAH: Actually, Freedom does smell pretty good.
SARAH: I don’t mind it. If a guy was wearing it, I’d be cool with that.
SARAH: Instead I’m wearing it.
SARAH: And I’m also cool with that.
SARAH: BOY ARMPITS, I HAS THEM.

(Editor's Note) The Pits of Freedom Saga: Prologue

A few weeks ago, Sarah started sweating. Profusely. So much so that she was first embarrassed, then concerned. She asked her mother, who is a horrible person but also a nurse, what to do. Later that day, her mother sent her an e-mail that read, simply:

I have a prescription for your problem




This is the story of the Pits of Freedom.

Snake Oil is for Amateurs

KATE: I'm having an awful day.
KATE: And I'm covered in hives.
STARSHINE: Drink some water!
SARAH: Starshine knows what’s up. 
SARAH: And that is: drink all the water and then you can cure all your pains.
SARAH: We should sell bottled water as a miracle cure. 
SARAH: I bet it would work, too. We could be traveling medicine ladies and we could both tell everyone how water has fixed us. 
SARAH: Well, maybe you shouldn’t talk now because you have hives. 
SARAH: But I could say that water healed me.
KATE: Genius. It can be the Starshine-Sarah-Kate traveling medicine show.
KATE: With a soundtrack by the Full-Out Criers.
SARAH: We are going to make like, a million dollars.
SARAH: Can we travel around in a wagon with panels that come down when you pull on a rope? I feel that is only appropriate.
KATE: Absolutely. And we need top hats, and sticks, because you can't have a medicine show without gesturing and hitting things with your walking stick.
KATE: What'll we call it?
SARAH: I don’t know. We will figure it out. We need to make a website like, stat.
SARAH: And maybe if we’re REALLY good, we can have an infomercial where I can just say “BUY THIS MIRACLE WATER IT WILL CURE EVERYTHING INCLUDING PREGNANCY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK”
SARAH: Hmm…what should we call the magical miracle water?
KATE: Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: YES ABSOLUTELY YES
KATE: Unicorn Juice. Coming soon to a fairground and/or Target parking lot near you.

Heathen, Heal Thyself!

KATE: Feeling pukey.
KATE: Surprised? Nope.
KATE: Just pukey.
KATE: Totes just broke a nail by putting my hand on the desk. Gently.
KATE: Not gently enough, apparently.
SARAH: You’re a mess over there.
SARAH: Could you please settle down?
KATE: No, I cannot settle down.
KATE: I am just going to keep disintegrating until I fall apart completely.
KATE: So there.
SARAH: You need to learn to settle down before your arms fall off. Then what will you do?
SARAH: You’ll have to wear a helmet with a pencil attached just so you can type.
SARAH: You cannot be a copywriter without arms.
SARAH: I’m pretty sure that’s a rule or something.
KATE: You and your rules.
KATE: Damn the man. I don't need arms.
KATE: I may, however, need to eat something, since clearly I have lost my damn mind.
SARAH: They aren’t my rules. They are society’s rules.
SARAH: Maybe you should drink some water.

She's Got the Snacktime Train Blues

SARAH: I’m thinking it’s snack time. 
SARAH: But considering I almost choked to death yesterday on my snack, it’s a little scary. 
SARAH: But maybe today I have my shit together and I can eat things without dying.
SARAH: Mashed Potato Johnson, play me off!

I'm Pretty Sure He Doesn't Mind

SARAH: Just started tweaking. What the hell is my problem? 
SARAH: SELF. GET A GRIP. DON’T BE A WEIRDO.
SARAH: That didn’t seem to work. 
SARAH: I apologize to the baby jesus for my inability to be a normal human. 
SARAH: Or a unicorn. 
SARAH: Or a cupcake, for that matter.

Just Around the Corner from Crazypants

SARAH: We are all sadpants sometimes.
KATE: It's true.
SARAH: Everyone gets a little sad in their pants sometimes.
SARAH: But you change pants
SARAH: And can put happy ones on.
KATE: Sometimes you surpass even Tracy Jordan in your wisdom.
SARAH: Why, thank you!
KATE: I think I am currently wearing happy pants. Or at least well-adjusted pants.
SARAH: Good
SARAH: You can always adjust your pants.
SARAH: But not in public.

How Frosty Is It?

SARAH:  I'm being a frosty ice princess right now.
SARAH: I'm so frosty I can ice my own knee.
SARAH: I'm so frosty, you'd need to wear a winter coat in my room.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that Jack fuckin' Frost looks like the sun.
SARAH: Frosty the goddamn Snowman aint got SHIT on me.
KATE: Sing it.
SARAH: Or snow, for that matter.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that winter needs to go to the southern hemisphere when I'm around.
SARAH: I'm SO frosty that I don't even have to make sense.
KATE: That IS frosty.
KATE: And does it frost your butt?
SARAH: Frosts my butt.
SARAH: And burns my biscuits.
SARAH: And also greases my chassis
SARAH: Which is a personal problem
SARAH: I overshared.

Another Wild Night in Cupcake Land

KATE: (stepping out of the shower, calling down the stairs): Hey, I thought of something.
SARAH: What?
KATE: It's the dorkiest hypothetical question in human history. I mean it.
SARAH: What is it?
KATE: If I cast Lumos solem, would I break out in hives?

SARAH stands at the foot of the stairs, speechless.

KATE: Is it real sunlight? Like would the UV rays affect my immune system?
SARAH: You are not allowed to take showers anymore.

Sarah Slammed Her Finger in a Door. It Got Gross.

SARAH: Grosssssssssssssss finger. It’s fascinating. 
SARAH:I can’t look away.  Honestly, I can’t.
KATE: You are so funny with Gross Finger. I mean, obviously I'm sorry that it hurts and is gross, but your fascination with it is fascinating to me. 
SARAH: I can’t help it.  it’s so interesting and totally gross.  Like…who expects that? 
SARAH: It’s kind of like when my dad joins the HSA.*  It’s gross, but I cannot look away. 
SARAH: I come from a weird family.
SARAH: I say that like maybe MAYBE you haven’t realized that yet and think that everything that goes down in my family is normal.




*The HSA, or Home Surgery Association, is what it's called when Sarah's father takes a drill to a swollen finger, or a screwdriver to a busted tooth...usually his own, but not exclusively.

Suck It, Evolution

Kate, it really is amazing that you are still alive.  Even more amazing than the fact that I am still alive. Survival of the fittest ain’t got shit on us. Or something. 

Sarah Howser, MD and Revisionist

SARAH: If your doctor says that he can’t do anything else, you say thank you, you get your records and you see another doctor and you get answers.
SARAH: Did we give up after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?  NO!
KATE: When exactly did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor? 
KATE: I am laughing so hard I'm crying and the interns are staring at me.
SARAH: They bombed Pearl Harbor in 1857, because they had secret plane technology that we didn’t know about. 
SARAH: This before we even knew Hawaii existed.
SARAH: TRICKY GERMANS