Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back On the Internet

KATE: WHOA. My planets just collided. LiLu just reblogged BJ on Tumblr.
KATE: What is going on?
SARAH: WHAT. 
SARAH: WHAT. 
SARAH: BJ DOES NOT EXIST HE IS NOT REAL

Sartre Had Similar Issues

SARAH: I want chili. I most certainly do not want my rice and veggies for lunch. But I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it and be pissed with every bite. 
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up. 
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis? 
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde. 
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde. 
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it. 
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years. 
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want.  And you know, make unreasonable demands. 
SARAH: It is my blonde existence! 
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!

A few minutes later

SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff.  Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not. 
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde. 
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.

A few minutes later

SARAH: Or maybe I do.

A few minutes later

SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.

The Romance, Rekindled

SARAH: I’m not totally heartless when it comes to BJ. 
SARAH: I just hate his existence.
SARAH: And he has stupid hair.

And She's Still Talking.

BJ's not going to like this. It's true, though. It's because of his stupid hair.

Sarah's Back.

He is really hot. I can see why someone would want to have lots and lots of his beautiful babies. You have a lot of ridiculously good-looking friends. BJ is not one of them.

The Lovers: An Aside

SARAH: BJ is talking to me.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.

BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.

Some time later.

SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.

The Lovers, Reunited After Two Birthdays

BJ: So, you're one year closer to death now.
BJ: I had no idea that your birthday was so close to the High Holy Day that is my birthday.
SARAH: Well, my birthday is first because I am better.
BJ: ...
BJ: Your birthday is a week after mine.
SARAH: Mine is better.
BJ: By your own logic, I am better.
BJ: I have won this already.
SARAH: You can bite me, BJ.
BJ: I am the victor.
SARAH: You can just bite me.
BJ: I AM THE VICTOR.
SARAH: And no more fucking cupcakes for you.
BJ: =(
SARAH: HA
BJ: Kate will bake me cupcakes! You're not the boss of her!
SARAH: I'm not the boss of her, but I'm her housewife.
SARAH: and therefore...no.
SARAH: I win.
BJ: I am still the victor.
BJ: Never forget that.
SARAH: You are not.
SARAH: and I already have.
BJ: NEVER FORGET.
BJ: Then you hate America.
SARAH: Good, I do.
BJ: You hate Amer'ca.
SARAH: If you're america, that's terrible and yes, I totally hate it.
BJ: Terrorist.
SARAH: I don't think that i'm a terrorist. I'm just someone that dislikes you. A lot.
BJ: Terrorists never think that they're terrorists.

Sarah Plays Hipster Bingo

KATE: Nope, I only get the free square and the chuck ts.
KATE: Maybe it is accurate, Sarah.
KATE: Maybe you are a hipster.
SARAH: NO. I don't wanna be.
KATE: Maybe you and BJ are truly meant to be.
SARAH: NO. I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE BJ.
SARAH: Show him the hipster bingo.
SARAH: I'm surprised his head isn't on there somewhere.
SARAH: OH MAN, and I have a puffy down vest...
SARAH: KATE, I'm a hipster.
KATE: Yeah. You are.
SARAH: I'm no better than BJ.
KATE: Nope.
SARAH: I might have to go home and kill myself.
SARAH: Find someone else to feed the rats.

WoW, She's Brutal

SARAH: Kate, loving sick people is just like laughing that your ex-boyfriend is still kinda fat and was in a wedding for people who met on WoW. Yeah. That's right. And someone posted pictures from the wedding using the people's WoW names instead of their real people names. The real people names you use when you are real people.
SARAH: If I ever start playing WoW (no, I don't know why either) and I meet some boy on there, do not let me meet him. Unless he's really good-looking and smart and not awkward and makes me laugh. Although good-looking people do not play WoW. Look at my ex-boyfriend.  or BJ.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
KATE: Hey, it's better that they're marrying each other.
KATE: At least they're not in the dating pool.
SARAH: I suppose.
SARAH: No, they're not in the dating pool. They are in the WoW puddle.

This is Turning Into The Best of Sarah Hating on BJ

KAREN: Soooo I am confused...I love reading your chats with "BJ" on "Best of Sarah"...but who is that!?!
SARAH: BJ is a friend of Kate’s that I’ve met once or twice. He’s pretty much like me…except pretentious. I just like to be mean to him because I can.
KAREN: Interesting. You are hilarious. =)
SARAH: I sometimes am, it’s true. Basically I’ve been taking my sore muscles and turning it into fresh hatred to spread around to everyone. Or just to BJ.

The Wedding Pool, Part III

BJ: IF KATE DIDN'T INDULGE YOU, YOU'D COME BY HER HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT DRUNK AND THROWING SHOES AND VODKA BOTTLES
SARAH: I am awesome and freaking sweet and you are none of those things. YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE CUPCAKES.
BJ: Why bother? Other people make them for me!
SARAH: Yeah...not anymore.
BJ: Kate will still make me cupcakes, and I will tend fainting goats.
BJ: and you WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
BJ: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES AND NO GOATS FOR YOU SARAH

later.

SARAH: BJ, we both know that if we got into a fight, I would win. Because I eat meat.
SARAH: and that makes me stronger and better.
BJ: It makes you neither of those things. Plus, you're also a lush. And that makes me faster.
SARAH: I wasn't the one drunk on whiskey, okay?
BJ: And still I bested you.
SARAH: On what? What did you do?
BJ: Awesomeness. Yeah, I bested you real hard in the "Awesomeness" category.
BJ: Despite being drunk on whiskey.
SARAH: You know what? We need to assemble a panel of judges, and let them decide
SARAH: who is more awesomer.
BJ: They will name me.
BJ: Or we can just bug Kate about it. That'll be pretty good for a laugh.
BJ: But after lunch. I have to go eat now. Can't be this awesome without food.
SARAH: Yeah. Your weak little sad person food.
BJ: My awesome food. You shut up.

Aside: The Aftershocks of Sarah

BJ: KATE
KATE: Yes?
BJ: KAAAAAAAAAAATE. SARAH IS BEING MEAN TO ME ABOUT MY HAIR
KATE: This is between y'all. But that's not very nice. Did you insult her hair?
BJ: NO
KATE:Maybe you should.

minutes pass

BJ: Now she's saying you don't care about me. TELL HER YOU CARE, KATE. TELL HER!
KATE: I AM NOT INVOLVED. NOT. INVOLVED
KATE:But I will turn this Internet right around if you guys don't work it out.
BJ:This is going to be like Highlander.
KATE: I definitely believe that.
BJ: And Sarah is The Kurgan and will follow me through time wearing bad shoes and raping women.
BJ: until I kill her.
KATE: Probably.

The Wedding Pool, Part II (We Start to Notice a Trend)

BJ: Ain't nothing wrong with my haircut.
SARAH: Suuuuuuuuuuuure.
BJ: I HAVE TO GO WORK FOR A MINUTE BUT KATE SAYS YOU ARE MEAN AND THAT YOUR HAIR IS UGLY
SARAH: Well, I know that she didn't. Because she and I are hetero lifemates and you're just a stupidface. With stupid hair.
BJ: SUCK IT, NERD
SARAH: I think we both know I'm not a nerd. I don't play WoW.
SARAH: and I don't work on computers
SARAH: and most importantly, I'M NOT YOU.
BJ: WHICH IS WHY YOU AREN'T AWESOME
SARAH: Is there a Best of BJ blog? Well, there probably is, but it's about blowjobs.
BJ: haha
SARAH: but NO, you don't have a best of BJ blog because YOU ARE NOT AWESOME.
BJ: NO, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T SHARE ALL OF MY INANE RAGE WITH KATE.
BJ: I AM BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, AND I'M SURE KATE HAS THINGS SHE'D RATHER DO
SARAH: Because Kate doesn't care about you and your silly hipster rage.

Now Taking Wagers for the Wedding Pool, Part I

BJ: Everything you do on the internet fills me with dread. Also, I am not FAILMEATS. 'Cause I don't know what the hell that is.
BJ: Unless that means "Awesome." In that case, I am.
SARAH: Yu are the meats of fail. *you
BJ: Hahahaha! Something about shoddy spelling turns your TERRIBLE AND EVIL SLANDER into comedy gold!
SARAH: Kind of like your face every day. And your haircut.
BJ: HOLD ON I'M WORKING GOD
SARAH: NO I WILL NOT HOLD ON. YOU ARE FAIL, BJ.
SARAH: ABSOLUTE FAIL ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY.

He's Not Even Here to Defend Himself.

Kate, you are not full of fail because last night you made AMAZING strawberry shortcake and had drunk pasta and had fun with your friends.

But the most important reason that you are not full of fail is because you are NOT BJ. He doesn't even get invited to meetings at his own office! You get invited to meetings and they tell you they love your mad cupcake skillz.

What sort of skills does BJ have? Aside from sucking skills.

(He is full of fail. About life.)

Pooooooor BJ.

SARAH: NO, BJ. YOU IZ FAILMEATS.
KATE: HA. That is just wonderful.
SARAH: Damn it, he's not on google talk, otherwise I would call him that to his face.
KATE: Well, to his google.