Sarah is Moved By Words of Love

Waffles and tears are not appropriate for breakfast...

But it's lunchtime now.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part II

SARAH: Muffins can be purchased almost anywhere. But cupcakes?
KATE: Very special.
SARAH: You have to go to someplace special to get a good cupcake.
KATE: Damn straight.
SARAH: Jesus, we're impressive.
KATE: We really are.
KATE: What's up liberal arts!
SARAH: Or I am and you're just agreeing with me so I don't have a complete breakdown when you tell me this is just crazytalk.
SARAH: This can be the boy screening process. I can say...hey, which do you like more, cupcakes or muffins?
SARAH: And if they say muffins, they are out.
KATE: Devious.
SARAH: So out.
SARAH: Or if they said that they liked banana cupcakes
SARAH: Those fuckers won't know what hit them.
KATE: The door
KATE: on the ass.
SARAH: Home to the bed.
KATE: Put 'em in the clink.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part I

SARAH: A relationship that nobody's calling a relationship is like a cupcake without frosting. What the fuck is the point?
KATE: I know. It seems like it should work but it never will.
SARAH: He's a fucking muffin, apparently.
SARAH: I want to be a cupcake, he wants to be a muffin.
SARAH: This is a good analogy.
KATE: I like it!
SARAH: I should just shout at him "CUPCAKE OR MUFFIN, ACHILLES. CUPCAKE OR FUCKING MUFFIN."
KATE: Omg please do.
KATE: Out of nowhere.
SARAH: It's cupcake or muffin. You're with someone or you're not.
SARAH: You can be the dessert everyone craves...or a breakfast time thing possibly filled with bran
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Bran.
SARAH: That's why you don't want to be a muffin.
KATE: But the point is you should know what you want to make before you make it, no?
KATE: Like you don't start making cupcakes and decide halfway through, "oh, these are muffins."
SARAH: Yes, you have to know if you're making cupcakes or muffins before you start.
SARAH: because cupcakes and muffins are so different.
SARAH: You'[re going to piss people off if you tell them you're making cupcakes and give them muffins.
KATE: Dude, no kidding.
KATE: I'd be pissed.
SARAH: You can scrape off the frosting, but it's still there
KATE: All soggy.
SARAH: I don't know if this makes us brilliant or insane.
KATE: Definitely both.
SARAH: But it works.

Sarah, Happy Homemaker

I found a recipe for baked ziti. All these people commented on the recipe saying that they are going to layer the ziti with the cheese mixture and the sauce and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, IDIOT PEOPLE? LASAGNA. YOU HAVE MADE LASAGNA. To mix all of it together is baked ziti. Fucking IDIOTS.

Sarah Loves Going to the Hospital

SARAH: So...I might have sprained my ankle.
SARAH: Ask me how.
KATE: Sarahhhhhhh
KATE: How?
SARAH: My toes got tangled up in my ipod wire that connects the pod to my computer
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: and I tripped.
SARAH: I was running because my toast dinged and I wanted it.
KATE: Of course.
KATE: I will be home in a few hours. Try not to die before then.
SARAH: I can't make any promises.
SARAH: I have to go to the store yet,
SARAH: I could die there.
KATE: Please don't.

Sometimes Sarah Has Opinions About Things

SARAH: So I'm reading this cookbook now and it tells you how to make all that brand-name stuff.
SARAH: Like Shamrock Shakes.

time passes

SARAH: CREAM CHEESE??!?!?
SARAH: YOU BUY THAT SHIT, YOU DON'T MAKE IT!

time passes

SARAH: DUCK SAUCE.
SARAH: THERE IS A RECIPE FOR DUCK SAUCE.
KATE: I like that you just shouted "DUCK SAUCE" at me.
SARAH: NEWSFLASH - NOT FROM DUCKS.

time passes

SARAH: FRUIT MOTHERFUCKING ROLLUPS?!?!
SARAH: WHY?
KATE: I couldn't tell you.
KATE:  I am, however amused at how irate this has made you. 
SARAH: Gatorade?
SARAH: You buy that shit.
SARAH: Goo goo clusters?
SARAH:  What the frig are those I am disgusted
KATE:  I think it's candy? You're the one with the recipe in front of you.
SARAH: Jesus, Kate, this shit is blowing my mind.
KATE:  I can see that
SARAH: MAYO.
SARAH: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE MAYO?!?

Tyrannosaurus Sarah

SARAH: If I was still dating Achilles and he brought me a cupcake from the Magnolia Bakery,
SARAH: it would be a very very good night in his life
SARAH: but since i DON'T date him
SARAH: I'm just going to emotionally abuse him for a while.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
KATE: You are some kind of monster.
SARAH: a CUPCAKE-EATING, MAN-CRUSHING MONSTER
KATE: That's the one.

An Open Letter to Lettuce

Dear Lettuce,
Sometimes when I put on you my veggie burger that I have for lunch, I have extra. So I pick it up and eat it...You really need to work on tasting better. You're always so good when you have dressing on you, but without dressing, you're crap. Just wanted to let you know.

XO,
Sarah

Sarah and the Hamburgers of Hatred

SARAH: So I'm thinking of all the things that we might be having for dinner tonight, and $5 says it's hot dogs and hamburgers, because that's the default food in my house. When my mom doesn't know what to make, that's what she makes. Not pasta. Not something logical. F***ing hotdogs and hamburgers.
SARAH: and it makes me SO MAD
SARAH: and for that reason, cookouts make me annoyed.
KATE: Why does it make you mad?
SARAH: Well, to make hot dogs and hamburgers, you have to go to the store and get rolls.
SARAH: like...if you're going GET SOMETHING TO EAT...
SARAH: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
KATE: I would just like you to know
KATE: That in my head what you're typing is being read by Lewis Black.
SARAH: YESSSSSSSSS
KATE: Lots of fist-waving.
SARAH: I don't think it's good for anyone to eat that much processed meat.
SARAH: But it doesn't bother anyone,
SARAH: except me.
SARAH: And I'm like F***ING GODDAMN HOTDOGS
SARAH: I DON'T WANT TO EAT THESE
SARAH: but...if I go out, I'll have a hamburger.
SARAH: I just don't want it to come from my house.
KATE: Those are the hamburgers of hatred.
SARAH: Okay, time to go home!
SARAH: Where there will hopefully not be hot dogs and hamburgers
SARAH: because otherwise, sh** is getting broken.

Sarah, The Nice Girl

SARAH: I have to be difficult with things? You only want complicated cupcakes?
ACHILLES: Yes. Sorry.
SARAH: I don't have to make you anything AT ALL.
SARAH: I CHOOSE to make you things because I'M A NICE GIRL.
SARAH: note to self: saying you are a nice girl in shouty tones does not make you a nice girl.
KATE: Oh, come on. If it's loud it must be true.

The Wedding Pool, Part III

BJ: IF KATE DIDN'T INDULGE YOU, YOU'D COME BY HER HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT DRUNK AND THROWING SHOES AND VODKA BOTTLES
SARAH: I am awesome and freaking sweet and you are none of those things. YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE CUPCAKES.
BJ: Why bother? Other people make them for me!
SARAH: Yeah...not anymore.
BJ: Kate will still make me cupcakes, and I will tend fainting goats.
BJ: and you WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
BJ: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES AND NO GOATS FOR YOU SARAH

later.

SARAH: BJ, we both know that if we got into a fight, I would win. Because I eat meat.
SARAH: and that makes me stronger and better.
BJ: It makes you neither of those things. Plus, you're also a lush. And that makes me faster.
SARAH: I wasn't the one drunk on whiskey, okay?
BJ: And still I bested you.
SARAH: On what? What did you do?
BJ: Awesomeness. Yeah, I bested you real hard in the "Awesomeness" category.
BJ: Despite being drunk on whiskey.
SARAH: You know what? We need to assemble a panel of judges, and let them decide
SARAH: who is more awesomer.
BJ: They will name me.
BJ: Or we can just bug Kate about it. That'll be pretty good for a laugh.
BJ: But after lunch. I have to go eat now. Can't be this awesome without food.
SARAH: Yeah. Your weak little sad person food.
BJ: My awesome food. You shut up.

He's Not Even Here to Defend Himself.

Kate, you are not full of fail because last night you made AMAZING strawberry shortcake and had drunk pasta and had fun with your friends.

But the most important reason that you are not full of fail is because you are NOT BJ. He doesn't even get invited to meetings at his own office! You get invited to meetings and they tell you they love your mad cupcake skillz.

What sort of skills does BJ have? Aside from sucking skills.

(He is full of fail. About life.)

Sarah Just Does Not Learn

Previously, on Best of Sarah, we learned that Sarah will blindly take anything anyone hands her.

Today:
SARAH: My coworker gave me almonds to eat before my training session. She is so helpful.
KATE: That was nice.
SARAH: She said "HERE, EAT THESE," and so I did.
KATE: And you didn't even ask what they were.
SARAH: No, because i KNEW they were almonds.
SARAH: And even if I didn't...I would have eaten them anyway.
KATE: Now we get to the truth.

How Many Tacos?

SARAH: OMG. THERE IS A COOKBOOK ALL ABOUT TACOS.
KATE: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? That's a buttload of tacos!
SARAH: AND? Do you know what it's called?
KATE: Buttload of Tacos?
SARAH: TACOS. It is called Tacos. Which is very to the point. You don't have to wonder what the cookbook is about. The title tells you.
SARAH: "TACOS!" it screams from the shelves.
SARAH: Or maybe you're in a library. and then it would just whisper, "tacos!"
KATE: You are really punchy.
SARAH: It's only 2:15 and I am not even close to being done with my nonsense.

Nom Nom...Ugh.

KATE: I was thinking, I should make Vacation Cupcakes next.
SARAH: Vacation cupcakes?
KATE: Yeah, I call them that because it's like a vacation in your mouth.
SARAH: uhh...what does a vacation taste like? sunburn and pina coladas?
SARAH: Ew and peeling skin is the aftertaste.
KATE: oh GROSS. Thanks.
SARAH: Like you would expect any less from me.