Pretty Awesome.

SARAH: I think New Manfriend thinks the sun shines out of my butt, so there’s that.
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?

PSA (Popcorn Service Announcement)

SARAH: Just dropped popcorn down my shirt.
SARAH: Just stuck my hand down my shirt to fish it out.
SARAH: At work.
SARAH: HEY EVERYONE I AM CLASSY

Web M(agical)D(octor)

SARAH: Kates, I would love to shank someone in order to go home and keep on reading Harry Potter.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.

That Is One Handsome Melon

SARAH: Eating this honeydew melon.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued Further

SARAH: PLEASE STOP BURNING ARMPITS
SARAH: JUST STOP SWEATING
SARAH: BURNING IS NOT THE OPPOSITE
SARAH: Dude, this burns like you would not believe.
SARAH: I would put cranberry juice in my armpits if i thought it would help.
SARAH: Because cranberry juice helps burning when you have a peeparts problem.
SARAH: Why not an armpits problem?
KATE: Do not add any other chemicals to your armpits, please.
KATE: They might explode.
SARAH: KA-BOOM.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The First Solution, Continued

SARAH: So I don’t think I’m as sweaty with this boy deodorant one, which is good.
SARAH: BUT I also smell like a boy so every time I catch a smell of it, I’m like WHERE IS THERE A GUY IN THIS DEPARTMENT?
SARAH: Oh no, it’s just me.
SARAH: With my gross sweaty mystery armpits.
SARAH: I’m sex on a stick over here.
SARAH: SMELLING LIKE FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM
SARAH: I enjoyed sharing that with you.
SARAH: Mostly because who else am I going to share that with?
SARAH: No one else cares about my gross armpits.
SARAH: ...But they should.
KATE: Well, they would care if we told them.
KATE: But I'm guessing you don't want the internet to know about your mystery pits.
SARAH: I just want them to know that I smell like freedom.

We'll Get Together Then, Bun

KATE: Look at this.
SARAH: Why would you want to convince someone that you’ve given birth to rabbits?
SARAH: And why would a rabbit give you a miscarriage?
KATE: I bet if I got pregnant it would be with rabbits.
KATE: I was saying something the other night about how tired I was and Dublin said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" and I said, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"
KATE: But pregnant with rabbits. Now THAT would be a miracle.
SARAH: EW EW SHE PUT A CAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING EVER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
SARAH: It’s a Thanksgiving miracle – Kate has a bun in the oven!
SARAH: A rabbit bun. But still a bun.
KATE: Just decided. "A Bunny in the Oven" is the name of the Full-Out Criers' first album.
SARAH: Bunny in the oven. I love it. I’m so going to ask people if they have bunnies in the oven now.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: No, srsly. If at any point, I decide I should put a DEAD ANIMAL in any part of my body that is not my mouth, you need to stop me.
SARAH: I don’t even think I have to say this because it sounds like common sense, but it needs to be said to some people.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: GROSS. ICK AND GROSS.
SARAH: EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Classy ladies, you and I.
SARAH: No wonder I have a date tonight – I’m talking about putting cats in cooters.
SARAH: And the cat’s in the cooter at the silver spoon!
SARAH: Little boy blue and the man in the moon!

Not Even Once.

SARAH: I’m seeing the lady pocket doctor on Thursday and we have a lot to discuss.
KATE: Hey! You can say, "OMG GUESS WHAT I HAD SEX LIKE FOUR JILLION TIMES."
KATE: And that'll be cool.
KATE: Right? Right.
SARAH: I don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I had sex 4 jillion times.
SARAH: Wait. Who am I kidding? Yes I am.
SARAH: I will proudly tell her that.
SARAH: Followed by “AND I DIDN’T GET KNOCKED UP ONCE. THERE’S NO BUN IN THIS OVEN!”
SARAH: I feel like I should have a pin that says that or something.

She Works Hard for It, Honey

SARAH: Actual words that I said to NewGuy on Sunday:
SARAH: “Please make sure your brother knows that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: I’m only here at night and he never sees me.
SARAH: I’m not a hooker. Tell him that.”
KATE: I think that's very smart of you. I hope he tells him that.
KATE: I mean, NewGuy seems like a cool guy.
KATE: I don't think he'd need a hooker, let alone one on a weekly schedule, but you never know.
SARAH: No, he doesn’t need a hooker.
SARAH: Also, I’m so not getting paid for this, so I’m going to have to start charging him.
SARAH: Also, I don’t want to be a hooker. I really don’t.
KATE: Don't be a hooker.
KATE: Can I put this on Best of Sarah?
SARAH: I almost want to brag to all the Best of Sarah readers that I am having the sexytimes.
SARAH: Because it’s that important.
SARAH: So sure. Tell the readers that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: Just in case they wondered.
SARAH: Sarah – So Totes Not a Hooker.
SARAH: Hookers don’t have families.
SARAH: We both know that I have a family.
SARAH: Therefore, I can never be a hooker.

Texts from Sarah: Airport Security Edition

SARAH: Guess who just got frisked!
SARAH: That's the most action I've gotten in months.
SARAH: I almost wanted to thank her

We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.

KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men. 
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle. 
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that?  Everyone wants that.  HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles.  Sexytimes.  I want such simple things. 
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it. 
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.

Is That Going to Stop Her? I Think You Know the Answer.

SARAH: Things I cannot do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt. 
SARAH: You want to see my boobs?  Now you can!

Texts from Sarah: Vacation Edition

I am telling you this because you are my soupsnake - my parents are arguing about what is the best way to wipe one's ass.

Sarah Goes Out for Lunch

Just got back from lunch at my grandma’s house. We sat on the deck and then I had a popsicle. There is no way to eat a popsicle that doesn’t look like a bj. Just saying.

Editor's Note: Turfucken.

We made up a new word. A disgruntled e-mail arrived and included the phrase "fucken politics." We decided that "fucken" was a combination of "fuck" and "chicken." We then decided that it was like a turducken, which is a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey. And then we invented "turfucken." And then we realized we needed to be able to use "turfucken" in a sentence, so here it is:

"Oh, I would, but I'm not up turfucken tonight."

The Trials and Tribulations of Knowing You Have Corn Dogs in the Freezer at Home

Suddenly, even though I've eaten lunch, I have a NEED for a corn dog. A MIGHTY NEED FOR A CORN DOG. Man, sometimes we are so white trash I can't barely stand us.

Workman's Comp Hasn't Yet Kicked In, or, Sarah Starts Her New Job

SARAH: Oh my god I'm going to be stapling until I DIE
SARAH: Stapling stapling stapling
SARAH: You know how people get tennis elbow? I’m going to get stapling hand.
KATE: Don't get stapling hand. That's the least glamorous work-related injury I've ever heard of.
SARAH: No, some sort of STD would be the least glamorous work-related injury. Tootin’ ain’t easy.
KATE: Ohhhhhhhhh dear.
SARAH: Last week I took two birth control pills by mistake and nearly gave myself an accidental abortion.
KATE: You're not having sex.
SARAH: I know, but still.

That's Not My Name

KATE: Oh NO. Someone's ringtone is Owl City blops and bleeps.
KATE: FAILLLLLLLLLLLL.
KATE: Dammit now I have Owl City stuck in my head.
KATE: I will find you
KATE: Whoever you are.
SARAH: Bleep bloop
SARAH: blop blop
KATE: sigh.
SARAH: Beep beep beepity beep
SARAH: blop
KATE: Thanks.
SARAH: That's Owl City for you.
KATE: Bleep bloop bloopity bloop to you.
SARAH: There was something I was going to tell you.
KATE: I hope it was real words
KATE: And not bleeps.
SARAH: As if maybe I haven't seen you in years.
KATE: Right, right.
SARAH: No, it was going to be real words.
SARAH: But now you've given me the idea of bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: You're going to be like "Do we have any milk?" and I will say BEEPITY BEEP
SARAH: And you'll hit me.
KATE: I really, really will.
SARAH: Nice, Kate.
SARAH: Very nice.
KATE: Classy lady, coming through.
SARAH: Ting ting!
KATE: Ting ting!
KATE: Bitch trolley, merrily careening across town.
SARAH: Yes.
SARAH: And you have on a conductor's hat.
SARAH: And you're giving everyone the finger.
KATE: Yes.
KATE: Ting ting.
SARAH: Shut up and let her go

Sarah in: The Decisionator

SARAH: Do you know this stuff with this media company has been going on for almost a month now?
KATE: Nonsense. That is nonsense.
SARAH: I interviewed on Jan 8th.
SARAH: You don't have to tell me it's nonsense. I am aware.
SARAH: I want to find this company that is being a pain in the ass and go and punch them.
SARAH: And be like THIS IS A JOB I NEED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS I WILL HIT YOU.
KATE: That seems like it might speed up their decision process.
SARAH: I hate these people.
KATE: Then let's hope you don't have to work with them.
SARAH: I know decisions relating to businesses are not ones to be taken lightly
SARAH: BUT SERIOUSLY? A MONTH?!
SARAH: Maybe companies should hire me to go and help clients decide
SARAH: and I can just bust in the potential client's office, all jeans and steel-toed Clydesdale-kicking boots and demand answers
SARAH: and JUSTICE.
KATE: Yes PLEASE.
KATE: And you need a costume.
KATE: To go with those boots.
SARAH: And I can roll up blasting Miranda Lambert and be so fired up.
KATE: A costume. Preferably involving gloves.
KATE: And a cape.
SARAH And I'll just go and say MAKE A CHOICE, YOU IDIOTS
KATE: I love it.
KATE: You can be called The Decisionator
SARAH: YES I CAN
SARAH: And every hour that goes by that they don't make a choice, I break something.
KATE: I love you.
SARAH: One hour down - picture of your family gets crushed.
SARAH: 2 hours - I'm going to break the lamp.
SARAH: 3 hours (god help you) - it's going to be some little paperweight that you got in Aruba.
SARAH: I will not stop until you make a choice. Because a MONTH is unacceptable.
KATE: You could so totes rent yourself out
KATE: as The Decisionator.
KATE: Sarah does not sleep. She waits.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I wait.

Sarah Runs with a Klassy Krowd

SARAH: I have no idea what to wear to this party tonight,
SARAH: Which is unsurprising.
SARAH: Last year I wore that black sweater and apparently my boobs were hanging out.
KATE: whooooops
SARAH: Because my aunts were sticking things down my shirt.
SARAH: You know, like you do.
SARAH: I mean, don't your aunts stick things down your shirt?
KATE: Not generally. There's not a lot of tomfoolery.
KATE: ...At least none that ends with me fishing butter packets out of my bra.
SARAH: You haven't really lived, then.
KATE: Hey, at least I get out.
SARAH: You may be out, but you are not alive.
KATE: All right, all right.
SARAH: I hope someone sticks butter in your bra tonight.
KATE: Merry Christmas to you too.