Sarah's Company Had a "Tailgate" "Party"

SARAH: I am going to slaughter the HR lady.
SARAH: I emailed her to tell her about who was on our flip cup team. 
SARAH: And I said, “Here’s the team roster:”
SARAH: Which she took to mean our team name. Our team name is Team Roster. 
SARAH: GO TEAM ROSTER.
KATE: That's...wow. Wow wow wow.
SARAH: That’s what I’m saying.  Apparently you don’t need to know words to work in HR.

Sarah Decides to Make Soft Pretzels

SARAH: Oh man, I cannot stand the idea of not having them. 
SARAH: EVERYONE. LOVE ME. I GET POSSESSED BY THE FLOUR DEVIL
SARAH: Hello, I cookin’ you tomorrow?
SARAH: We have some problems.
SARAH: KATE. SOFT PRETZELS. 
SARAH: IT’S 17 FORMS OF WIN

We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.

KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men. 
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle. 
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that?  Everyone wants that.  HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles.  Sexytimes.  I want such simple things. 
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it. 
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

I Think She's Paraphrasing

I just got an email from Spanx. And it said, “Guess what, fatty! Soon you’ll be able to fit into your dress! MAYBE YOU SHOULD EAT LESS”

Is That Going to Stop Her? I Think You Know the Answer.

SARAH: Things I cannot do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt. 
SARAH: You want to see my boobs?  Now you can!

I'm Inclined to Agree

Pam wants me to come over tonight, but I wanted to go to the mall so maybe we ALL COULD GO TO THE MALL in the biggest gayest fallout anywhere and do you know what they have at the mall THEY HAVE PRETZELS AND I WANT ONE.
 
I think I’ve had too much sugar today. What are YOUR thoughts?