Demon Cat's Keyboard Debut

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Daily/Colbert - Keyboard Cat
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Last night i showed my mom Keyboard Cat. She didn't understand why it was funny, but I showed it to her. Then, after she had thrown the slippers at Ollie, I picked him up and said "Keyboard Ollie!" and flung his paws around and hummed the song. She told me I had to stop because Ollie was going to get away again and he had to go to bed.

Sometimes I am truly convinced that I live in a sitcom. There's no way this is a real life we're living.

This is Turning Into The Best of Sarah Hating on BJ

KAREN: Soooo I am confused...I love reading your chats with "BJ" on "Best of Sarah"...but who is that!?!
SARAH: BJ is a friend of Kate’s that I’ve met once or twice. He’s pretty much like me…except pretentious. I just like to be mean to him because I can.
KAREN: Interesting. You are hilarious. =)
SARAH: I sometimes am, it’s true. Basically I’ve been taking my sore muscles and turning it into fresh hatred to spread around to everyone. Or just to BJ.

All Class, All the Time

SARAH: I have to pee. Again.
SARAH: This makes me so mad.
KATE: You can't control it, just accept it. We pee a lot.
SARAH: Doesn't it bother you? Like, why am I peeing so much? I had a small iced coffee this morning, and a diet coke.
KATE: Well, both coffee and soda are diuretics.
KATE: They make you pee.
SARAH: YOU MAKE ME PEE

I'll Take "Dysfunction" for $800, Alex.

SARAH: So there was a category on Jeopardy last night called "What's Wrong With Me?"
KATE: No way. That show is too good.
SARAH: Yes. And my mom was shouting at the TV.
KATE: That's what's wrong with her.
SARAH: Shouting?
KATE: I don't know, but if she was an answer that would be the question.
KATE: "This is what's wrong with Sarah's mom."
KATE: "What is shouting?"
SARAH: Maybe that can be our new game, coming up with Jeopardy answers and questions.
KATE: "This includes sleeping, sleeping, and having a pity party."
KATE: "What are Kate's plans for the day?"
KATE: That is correct!
SARAH: "This includes falling down, drinking too much and insulting people."
SARAH: "What is how we know that Sarah is Sarah?"

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

So I was downstairs walking/running/dying on the treadmill and it was wicked hot, so I opened the basement door to let some cool air in. Ollie ran in the house and I couldn't keep an eye on him because HELLO, he's a f***ing cat and because I was dying. Then my dad came in, and then B2, and my dad started listening to music at like, 40 decibels because it was that kind of day, I guess. And the door was still open, so Ollie must have run back outside because you know, sometimes he thinks.

Then my mom came home and OMG WHERE IS HER BABY OMG OMG OMG I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SH***Y KIDS ANYMORE.

The Wedding Pool, Part III

BJ: IF KATE DIDN'T INDULGE YOU, YOU'D COME BY HER HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT DRUNK AND THROWING SHOES AND VODKA BOTTLES
SARAH: I am awesome and freaking sweet and you are none of those things. YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE CUPCAKES.
BJ: Why bother? Other people make them for me!
SARAH: Yeah...not anymore.
BJ: Kate will still make me cupcakes, and I will tend fainting goats.
BJ: and you WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
BJ: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES AND NO GOATS FOR YOU SARAH

later.

SARAH: BJ, we both know that if we got into a fight, I would win. Because I eat meat.
SARAH: and that makes me stronger and better.
BJ: It makes you neither of those things. Plus, you're also a lush. And that makes me faster.
SARAH: I wasn't the one drunk on whiskey, okay?
BJ: And still I bested you.
SARAH: On what? What did you do?
BJ: Awesomeness. Yeah, I bested you real hard in the "Awesomeness" category.
BJ: Despite being drunk on whiskey.
SARAH: You know what? We need to assemble a panel of judges, and let them decide
SARAH: who is more awesomer.
BJ: They will name me.
BJ: Or we can just bug Kate about it. That'll be pretty good for a laugh.
BJ: But after lunch. I have to go eat now. Can't be this awesome without food.
SARAH: Yeah. Your weak little sad person food.
BJ: My awesome food. You shut up.

Aside: The Aftershocks of Sarah

BJ: KATE
KATE: Yes?
BJ: KAAAAAAAAAAATE. SARAH IS BEING MEAN TO ME ABOUT MY HAIR
KATE: This is between y'all. But that's not very nice. Did you insult her hair?
BJ: NO
KATE:Maybe you should.

minutes pass

BJ: Now she's saying you don't care about me. TELL HER YOU CARE, KATE. TELL HER!
KATE: I AM NOT INVOLVED. NOT. INVOLVED
KATE:But I will turn this Internet right around if you guys don't work it out.
BJ:This is going to be like Highlander.
KATE: I definitely believe that.
BJ: And Sarah is The Kurgan and will follow me through time wearing bad shoes and raping women.
BJ: until I kill her.
KATE: Probably.