Today's Disaster.

KATE: Oh, Sarah. We have each other.
KATE: and underpants
KATE: and Cupcake Land
KATE: and Ben and Jerry
KATE: and that might be it for us.
SARAH: And if we ever were to sit on the couch in our underpants, watching Reno 911 and eating Ben and Jerry's...that would really be it for us.
KATE: With cats.
KATE: Suicide pact.
KATE: That's the end.
SARAH: I can see the end - I feel like it's not far off.
KATE: Oh my god, don't say that.
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: Also, I have a coupon for free Ben and Jerry's.
KATE: Stop it.
SARAH: So really..this is the end.
KATE: But Sarah,
KATE: we're too cute to die!
SARAH: Kate, I'm just throwing this out there--
SARAH: If I'm not seriously dating someone by the time I'm 30, I'm killing everyone.
KATE: Sounds good.
SARAH: Not you.
KATE: No, me too, please.
SARAH: NO, if I'm going to be miserable, I'm taking you down with me.
SARAH: Additionally, killing everyone isn't going to lead to me finding someone...
SARAH: But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt

A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.

SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
  
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane

Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
 
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?


*To clarify: They never went out.

Cupcake Land? Or Mordhaus?

Kate, this is a house of evil we're building.

Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part III

He hasn't called yet. But if he does call, I'm going to pretend like I can't hear him. I'm going to say, "What? Sorry? Is someone there? This phone only works THREE DAYS AGO, when you were supposed to CALL ME."

Sarah Admits She Has a Problem

GODDAMN IT BLACK EYED PEAS I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU

Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part II

SARAH: TEXT ME GODDAMN IT
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.

Sarah Gives an Archaeologist Her Phone Number. This is Her Story.

SARAH: MAYBE HE ONLY WANTED TO GET DRINKS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.