All Sarah, All the Time

SARAH: Okay, if I don't have a job by August, I'm going to apply to be on the Real World.
SARAH: That's the only choice.
KATE: Obviously.
SARAH: Dude, I would RULE on that show.
SARAH: Man, they all hate each other. And say nasty things about each other. And I am a PRO at that shit.
KATE: You sure are.
KATE: Though it would quickly become The Sarah Show.
SARAH: And then they would pay me lots of money.
KATE: And then there would be a spinoff.
KATE: I Love Sarah.
SARAH: And I wouldn't need a job because then being AWESOME would be my job.
KATE: This is all going to happen.
KATE: I can just feel it.
SARAH: YES and then they would bring men on that think that they love me and I will destroy them.
SARAH: And then there will be another spinoff called Sarah Destroys Lives.
KATE: They should all be called that.
KATE: You can just number them.
KATE: SDL 1
KATE: SDL 2
KATE: SDL: THE REVENGE OF SARAH
SARAH: I can go back and destroy again.
KATE: Brilliant.
KATE: You can start with that tick that gave you lyme.
KATE: Because he deserves to be destroyed twice.
SARAH: We will find his fucking family
SARAH: And end them
KATE: All 4,000,000,000 of them?
SARAH: YES
KATE: Longest death list ever.
SARAH: I think you have to be on the show. You have to remind me who I need to exact my revenge on.
KATE: You could just keep a notebook, that would probably do the same thing.
SARAH: Okay, MTV is looking to cast a show about people that are BFF with their moms
SARAH: I could be on one about people wanting to kill their mothers.
KATE: It's true.
KATE: That would be a show on Lifetime.
SARAH: It would be "Snapped."
SARAH: It's about women that snap and kill people.
KATE: Sounds good. And maybe on that show they will give you rocket boosters for your car and a flame thrower and bumpers.
KATE: And a fist on a stick like the mayor had.
SARAH: OH MAN
SARAH: No one would ignore my phone calls again.
KATE: All your dreams will come true.
SARAH: Yes, they would. And yours too.
SARAH: It wouldn't be United Breaks Guitars, it would be SARAH BREAKS YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU DESERVE IT, MOTHERFUCKER
KATE: That would be all the time, right?
SARAH: ...maybe
KATE: You might need your own channel, dude.
SARAH: I need to have an element of surprise.
KATE: This is a lot of hours of programming.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I need my own channel.
SARAH: All Sarah, all the time
SARAH: Your life is my channel.
KATE: It's true.
KATE: We're supposed to get snow on the 27th. We don't have a forecast for the 28th yet. If it is snowing when I am leaving for Ireland I will need you to collect your weapons and meet me at Mount Olympus so I can beat Zeus up.
SARAH: Dude, they are so guessing about the 27th.
SARAH: They can't even be a little bit right about what happens.
KATE: I really don't want to have to lay the smackdown.
SARAH: Remain positive. It's not going to snow.
SARAH: Bitch please. Zeus won't know what hit him.
SARAH: But I'll give you a hint - it's my fist.

That's Not My Name

KATE: Oh NO. Someone's ringtone is Owl City blops and bleeps.
KATE: FAILLLLLLLLLLLL.
KATE: Dammit now I have Owl City stuck in my head.
KATE: I will find you
KATE: Whoever you are.
SARAH: Bleep bloop
SARAH: blop blop
KATE: sigh.
SARAH: Beep beep beepity beep
SARAH: blop
KATE: Thanks.
SARAH: That's Owl City for you.
KATE: Bleep bloop bloopity bloop to you.
SARAH: There was something I was going to tell you.
KATE: I hope it was real words
KATE: And not bleeps.
SARAH: As if maybe I haven't seen you in years.
KATE: Right, right.
SARAH: No, it was going to be real words.
SARAH: But now you've given me the idea of bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: You're going to be like "Do we have any milk?" and I will say BEEPITY BEEP
SARAH: And you'll hit me.
KATE: I really, really will.
SARAH: Nice, Kate.
SARAH: Very nice.
KATE: Classy lady, coming through.
SARAH: Ting ting!
KATE: Ting ting!
KATE: Bitch trolley, merrily careening across town.
SARAH: Yes.
SARAH: And you have on a conductor's hat.
SARAH: And you're giving everyone the finger.
KATE: Yes.
KATE: Ting ting.
SARAH: Shut up and let her go

Sarah in: The Decisionator

SARAH: Do you know this stuff with this media company has been going on for almost a month now?
KATE: Nonsense. That is nonsense.
SARAH: I interviewed on Jan 8th.
SARAH: You don't have to tell me it's nonsense. I am aware.
SARAH: I want to find this company that is being a pain in the ass and go and punch them.
SARAH: And be like THIS IS A JOB I NEED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS I WILL HIT YOU.
KATE: That seems like it might speed up their decision process.
SARAH: I hate these people.
KATE: Then let's hope you don't have to work with them.
SARAH: I know decisions relating to businesses are not ones to be taken lightly
SARAH: BUT SERIOUSLY? A MONTH?!
SARAH: Maybe companies should hire me to go and help clients decide
SARAH: and I can just bust in the potential client's office, all jeans and steel-toed Clydesdale-kicking boots and demand answers
SARAH: and JUSTICE.
KATE: Yes PLEASE.
KATE: And you need a costume.
KATE: To go with those boots.
SARAH: And I can roll up blasting Miranda Lambert and be so fired up.
KATE: A costume. Preferably involving gloves.
KATE: And a cape.
SARAH And I'll just go and say MAKE A CHOICE, YOU IDIOTS
KATE: I love it.
KATE: You can be called The Decisionator
SARAH: YES I CAN
SARAH: And every hour that goes by that they don't make a choice, I break something.
KATE: I love you.
SARAH: One hour down - picture of your family gets crushed.
SARAH: 2 hours - I'm going to break the lamp.
SARAH: 3 hours (god help you) - it's going to be some little paperweight that you got in Aruba.
SARAH: I will not stop until you make a choice. Because a MONTH is unacceptable.
KATE: You could so totes rent yourself out
KATE: as The Decisionator.
KATE: Sarah does not sleep. She waits.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I wait.

Sarah May Need a New Hobby

SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.

Sarah's Huge in Japan

SARAH: I am glad you live with me now, because now you are mine and I don't have to share you.
SARAH: Please imagine me squeezing you and carrying you around like a rag doll, because that's how I see this all happening.
SARAH: Because you are small and I am Godzilla.
KATE: Like Mindy and Buttons
SARAH: Or King Kong
KATE: Or that.
SARAH: Or some other scary large being that destroys most everything.

Sarah Knows What's Good for You

If there was shaken adult syndrome, he would have it. Courtesy of me. And no one would stop me, because they all know he needs it.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah!

SARAH: I would say i'm done with the Iron Chef*, but my anger never ends.
SARAH: Kind of like...uhh...The Neverending Story?
SARAH: But not with those weird flying dog things.
KATE: If we could convert your rage to electricity we'd never need a power plant again.
SARAH: Don't they say all the yelling you will do in your entire life makes enough energy to heat up a pot of coffee or something?
SARAH: They do not know me.
KATE: No. That's like an Olympic-sized hot tub.
SARAH: And no one will be invited it in unless I like them.
KATE: I shouldn't go in hot tubs.
KATE: I get woozy.
SARAH: Then you can sit on the side
SARAH: And be the lifeguard.
KATE: Can do.
KATE: HEY NO RUNNING SARAH
SARAH: But running will make the hot tub warmer.



*New character. All you need to know: He's a chef, he has wronged Sarah, and he will never be forgiven.