Could I Have Been Any Other Hamster Than Me?

Sometimes, I think it would be awesome to be a small animal, because then regular food would be HUGE and who doesn’t want to eat a HUGE PIECE OF POPCORN? Then I remember that I would be a small animal and someone would probably step on me. Or Ollie would eat me out of spite.

The Cute Guy Comes to Clean the Office Aquarium. Sarah Has a Plan.

Maybe you should tell the cute guy that you are part mermaid…and wouldn’t he like to see which part? And then you say WE HAS KISSY FACES and then whoo! Kate has kissy faces.

Sarah Howser, MD and Revisionist

SARAH: If your doctor says that he can’t do anything else, you say thank you, you get your records and you see another doctor and you get answers.
SARAH: Did we give up after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?  NO!
KATE: When exactly did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor? 
KATE: I am laughing so hard I'm crying and the interns are staring at me.
SARAH: They bombed Pearl Harbor in 1857, because they had secret plane technology that we didn’t know about. 
SARAH: This before we even knew Hawaii existed.
SARAH: TRICKY GERMANS

Sarah Takes A Practical Approach to Pets

SARAH:The adorable dog that I love from the shelter has an application in. I want it to not be that way – but I can’t possibly take her home. 
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds. 
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her. 
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate.  She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME.  She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine.  Also, chicken butt.

Oh. That Kind of Day.

Do you know what kind of day it has been?  The kind of day where I went to pull up my shirt because it was falling down and I punched myself in the face.
 
THAT KIND OF DAY.

The Return of Owl City

SARAH: I'm not saying it's your fault
SARAH: But now I have Owl City stuck in my head
KATE: Goddamn bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: I'm going to march to his shitty house in Minnesota or wherever the fuck he lives and beat him with his bleep blop machine

I'm Telling You, the Cat is Pure Evil

SARAH: Maybe I should get Ollie a squeaky toy. It would sound like him rolling over a mouse.
SARAH: Because he is Voldemort.
KATE: If I hadn't met Ollie, I wouldn't believe that a cat could do that. But I have, and yes, such a ridiculous thing is not only possible but likely. A-mazing. That has to be the best thing that cat has ever done.
SARAH: Once he had his claws out and smacked my neanderthal ex-boyfriend in the junk.  That was also amazing.
KATE: That's right! If only we had this all on video, we could do a highlights reel. Oh well. I really don't want to see neanderthal junk anyway. 
KATE: Ugh.
SARAH: And then, if we did a highlights reel, Ollie would wait until we were sleeping and slit our throats with his claws.  He would waddle to Cupcake Land and pick our lock with his claws and then he would open the door (because he’s just about figured out how to do that) and he would come and find us.
SARAH: And then eat Angela and Phyllis for good measure.
KATE: No way, man. If we did a highlights reel Ollie would get lawyers and sue us. And THEN he'd kill us and our pets in our sleep.
SARAH: I like to imagine fat Ollie smashing his paws on the phone trying to call some lawyers.