The International Economy is Not Prepared for Us

KATE: I'm going to buy you a present.
KATE: It's a pile of string.
KATE: Etsy is such a disaster sometimes.
SARAH: We should have an Etsy shop!
SARAH: We’d have to get some sort of video of us doing our singing and dancing and you know, jigging routine to prove that yes, the Unicorn Juice works wonders.
SARAH: And can help you sing and dance and jig.
SARAH: We should get B1 to pitch it. He would do a good job. 
SARAH: I mean, in case they don’t believe that it’s a miracle.
SARAH: Also, we’d have to hit the other people with sticks and when they hurt, we’d give them some Unicorn Juice. 
SARAH: That way, they would know that it’s real Unicorn Juice and not imitation Unicorn Juice.
KATE: Yes. Genius. Genius on all counts.

Snake Oil is for Amateurs

KATE: I'm having an awful day.
KATE: And I'm covered in hives.
STARSHINE: Drink some water!
SARAH: Starshine knows what’s up. 
SARAH: And that is: drink all the water and then you can cure all your pains.
SARAH: We should sell bottled water as a miracle cure. 
SARAH: I bet it would work, too. We could be traveling medicine ladies and we could both tell everyone how water has fixed us. 
SARAH: Well, maybe you shouldn’t talk now because you have hives. 
SARAH: But I could say that water healed me.
KATE: Genius. It can be the Starshine-Sarah-Kate traveling medicine show.
KATE: With a soundtrack by the Full-Out Criers.
SARAH: We are going to make like, a million dollars.
SARAH: Can we travel around in a wagon with panels that come down when you pull on a rope? I feel that is only appropriate.
KATE: Absolutely. And we need top hats, and sticks, because you can't have a medicine show without gesturing and hitting things with your walking stick.
KATE: What'll we call it?
SARAH: I don’t know. We will figure it out. We need to make a website like, stat.
SARAH: And maybe if we’re REALLY good, we can have an infomercial where I can just say “BUY THIS MIRACLE WATER IT WILL CURE EVERYTHING INCLUDING PREGNANCY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK”
SARAH: Hmm…what should we call the magical miracle water?
KATE: Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: YES ABSOLUTELY YES
KATE: Unicorn Juice. Coming soon to a fairground and/or Target parking lot near you.

Hope You Got a Gift Receipt, or, Kate Doesn't Like Whales

KATE: Proofing a stupid brochure about humpback whales.
KATE: Stupid whales.
SARAH: Does everyone get one?
SARAH: Because I think they all should.
KATE: EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE!
KATE: And I'm so returning mine.
SARAH: Dude, maybe you could ride it places.
SARAH: Like you could ride it to London.
SARAH: Or maybe just outside of London.
SARAH: All you have to do is train the whale.
KATE: No. You know what I can ride to London? An airplane.
KATE: I am exchanging my whale for an airplane, bcause whales are just awful.
KATE: And airplanes, well, they're not great, but they're not too bad.
KATE: Though it would be pretty bad-ass to show up in Europe on the back of a whale.
KATE: No. Can't do it. They suck.
SARAH: But it would be so much cheaper to take the whale.
SARAH: All you would need is a wetsuit. And some sort of whale saddle.
KATE: No. N.O. I'm not doing it. I don't care.
KATE: I will save up and get a plane ticket and leave my whale in the garage.
SARAH: I don’t think the whale will fit in your garage.
SARAH: Unless you have an ocean in there.
SARAH: And if you do, that’s kind of amazing and you should probably tell someone about that.
SARAH: Also, I didn’t even know you HAD a garage.
SARAH: Thirdly – Hagrid’s buttcrack.

I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Monsters, Inc.

SARAH: Anne Boleyn was so badass. Think about it – she got the man that she wanted (granted, she stole him from another woman, which I cannot approve of) but she got him to marry her because she refused to be a mistress.
SARAH: SHE REFUSED THE KING.
SARAH: She was smart and funny and very charming and everyone loved her.
SARAH: And then she got her head chopped off.
SARAH: Which is sort of a bummer.
KATE: Look at the bright side--before Henry got sick of her she managed to come up with Elizabeth, who is the awesomest lady ever.
SARAH: That’s right! She did create Elizabeth, who is a frosty ice princess and our fearless leader.
SARAH: Also, can I just say that NOT being a frosty ice princess is like the easiest thing ever.
SARAH: Like, not forcing someone to talk to me by not talking to them makes far more sense than shooting lasers at them with my eyeballs to make them talk to me.
SARAH: And I know you know what I’m talking about.
SARAH: We’re both Make Love to Me Monsters. We understand.
SARAH: I haven’t been the Make Love to Me Monster in so long.
SARAH: I have been the FUCKING FEED ME NOW Monster like every day since forever.
SARAH: Which is why I don’t fit into my pants.

On Second Thought, Stop Thinking.

SARAH: I love that we exist.
SARAH: Think of how sad the world would be if you and I weren’t big nerds and didn’t work at B&N and wear the same sweater one day. Think about it.
SARAH: Actually, don’t. It might make you throw yourself off a building because it’s such a sad thought.

We'll Get Together Then, Bun

KATE: Look at this.
SARAH: Why would you want to convince someone that you’ve given birth to rabbits?
SARAH: And why would a rabbit give you a miscarriage?
KATE: I bet if I got pregnant it would be with rabbits.
KATE: I was saying something the other night about how tired I was and Dublin said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" and I said, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"
KATE: But pregnant with rabbits. Now THAT would be a miracle.
SARAH: EW EW SHE PUT A CAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING EVER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
SARAH: It’s a Thanksgiving miracle – Kate has a bun in the oven!
SARAH: A rabbit bun. But still a bun.
KATE: Just decided. "A Bunny in the Oven" is the name of the Full-Out Criers' first album.
SARAH: Bunny in the oven. I love it. I’m so going to ask people if they have bunnies in the oven now.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: No, srsly. If at any point, I decide I should put a DEAD ANIMAL in any part of my body that is not my mouth, you need to stop me.
SARAH: I don’t even think I have to say this because it sounds like common sense, but it needs to be said to some people.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: GROSS. ICK AND GROSS.
SARAH: EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Classy ladies, you and I.
SARAH: No wonder I have a date tonight – I’m talking about putting cats in cooters.
SARAH: And the cat’s in the cooter at the silver spoon!
SARAH: Little boy blue and the man in the moon!