Saturday, July 3, 2010
Texts from Sarah: Demon Cat Edition
Ollie is rolling in the grass and every time he rolls I hear a squeaking sound...I'm pretty sure he's crushing a field mouse to death with his fat ass.
Cat Pot Calling Cat Kettle Cat Black
SARAH: FLAKY CAT LADY I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND
SARAH: She’s all like “I thought I was crazy because I didn’t see that link on there”
SARAH: LISTEN. YOU ARE CRAZY. LINK OR NOT, YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU HAVE FACEBOOK FOR YOUR CAT
KATE: Doesn't Ollie have a facebook?
KATE: Just saying.
SARAH: Ollie has catbook. Which is facebook for cats. There is a difference. Also, you will notice that I don’t write on my own wall, pretending to be Ollie. Nor have I updated catbook since I was in college.
SARAH: But Flaky Cat Lady’s cat? Her cat updates its status. The cat. Updates. Its status.
SARAH: She’s all like “I thought I was crazy because I didn’t see that link on there”
SARAH: LISTEN. YOU ARE CRAZY. LINK OR NOT, YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU HAVE FACEBOOK FOR YOUR CAT
KATE: Doesn't Ollie have a facebook?
KATE: Just saying.
SARAH: Ollie has catbook. Which is facebook for cats. There is a difference. Also, you will notice that I don’t write on my own wall, pretending to be Ollie. Nor have I updated catbook since I was in college.
SARAH: But Flaky Cat Lady’s cat? Her cat updates its status. The cat. Updates. Its status.
Sarah Abides
It's 2: 24. 2:24!! Know what makes me sad? Numbers have no capitals. Saying TWO TWENTY-FOUR is not the same. Numbers need capitals. Sarah has spoken.
The History of Anything, I Say
KATE: Google says: "Vet Scopes Affordable Yes - 8mm 150cm Endoscopes New Veterinary Endoscopy Systems"
KATE: Google thinks maybe you and I are going to be doing some mobile veterinary medicine.
KATE: That's sweet of you to think, Google, but it's going to be more like "mobile margarita medicine."
SARAH: I like the idea of mobile margarita medicine. We have the best ideas. And Stephanie is going to make us dinner!
KATE: Actually, dinner's pretty much made (hello crockpot). So we should have a lovely evening.
SARAH: Whatever. The fact that it’s basically made means there is more time for drinking. And that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard EVER in the history of ANYTHING
KATE: Google thinks maybe you and I are going to be doing some mobile veterinary medicine.
KATE: That's sweet of you to think, Google, but it's going to be more like "mobile margarita medicine."
SARAH: I like the idea of mobile margarita medicine. We have the best ideas. And Stephanie is going to make us dinner!
KATE: Actually, dinner's pretty much made (hello crockpot). So we should have a lovely evening.
SARAH: Whatever. The fact that it’s basically made means there is more time for drinking. And that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard EVER in the history of ANYTHING
Taxonomy 101 With Kate and Sarah
SARAH: I just ate about 4 pounds of melon, so I should be good for a while.
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.
SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening.
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot.
SARAH: Peepot. YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.
SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening.
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot.
SARAH: Peepot. YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.
Sometimes Kate Hates Things Too
SARAH: (looking at a friend's wedding photos) I really love that dress. That’s the sort of dress that I think I want. Except I would look like a cow and not as delicate as she does.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.
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