Sarah and the Middle Of Nature's Magnificence

SARAH: There is a town in Canada called Flin Flon.

SARAH: You know what, Canada? If you want us to treat you like a real place, you need to act like a real place. 

SARAH: Right?

LILO: “Flin Flon is a thriving mining community and vacationer’s destination nestled in the middle of nature's magnificence.”

SARAH: Canada is not real. It can't be. Because no normal human would tolerate this.

Guess Who's Back, Part IV

SARAH: There are quizzes at the end of the segments.  

SARAH: This one is a word search.  

SARAH: They aren't giving you the words.

SARAH: You have to fill in the blank and then find the word. That is...what. No. 

SARAH: I don't want to play this stupid game anymore, grandma.

SARAH: I just want to find dirty words, like "dicklicker."  

SARAH: Not words like "trust" and "recognition​."

SARAH: I did find the word "queef." I'm done.

KATE: Congratulations. You are now a manager.

Guess Who's Back, Part III

SARAH: Now on to the module about motivation.  

SARAH: They are saying that you need to give your employee the map and tell them the rules but let them get there themselves.  

SARAH: This is the photo of the map included on the slide.  

SARAH: THERE IS A POND WITH A DEAD FISH.

Guess Who's Back, Part II

SARAH: Oh, good, I GET TO TAKE A QUIZ

KATE: You are Mr. Manager.

SARAH: I am.  I am Mr. Manager and I will manage you SO HARD.

SARAH: Talking point on this slide: "Introduce new hire to their accountabilities."

SARAH: Like that's a person.  that you shake hands with.  

SARAH: It's like having a puppy.

SARAH: SOCIALIZE your new hire.  help them ADAPT to the new environment.

SARAH: They are talking about the millennials now.  

SARAH: They can open multiple tabs in Internet Explorer!  

SARAH: They can search for things AND listen to music!  

SARAH: They are highly educated and well informed!  

SARAH: THEY PLAY ANGRY BIRDS.

SARAH: YOU may even be a millenial, they said.  

SARAH: YOU COULD BE ONE TOO. THEY ARE AMONG US

Guess Who's Back, Part I

Editor's note: Sarah's a manager now. 

SARAH: Oh my god, I have to take this stupid management training thing.
SARAH: I can't even explain what's going on here.
SARAH: There's a lot of feedback in the narration--yes, it is narrated--and then there is this weird whistling music in the background.
SARAH: Right now they are defining what a manager is.
SARAH: And there is still elevator music going on.
SARAH: The music is different on every slide and it's making me insane. PICK SOME MUSIC AND GO WITH IT.
SARAH: Last slide of the presentation?
SARAH: "What is a manager?"
SARAH: "YOU ARE A MANAGER."

It's Been A While, But She's Just As Sarah As Ever

KATE: Oh, good. Google would like to remind me that Preserved Fetal Pigs Are On Sale.
KATE: On this same website, you can order live snakes.
KATE: By mail.
KATE: BEST IDEA EVER.
SARAH: Ew ew ew live snakes by mail ew
SARAH: I will never get the mail again.
SARAH: Also, those are damn cheap fetal pigs.
KATE: I laughed very loudly when I read that.
KATE: Hey B2, I think you should go get the mail today.
KATE: And tomorrow. And every day after that. Forever.
KATE: In case, you know, live snakes.
SARAH: Dude, you don't know.
SARAH: Maybe they ship it in a brown box with no other words on it. Like it's porn.
SARAH: Except it's scary-ass snakes.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Also, I expect everything sent to me to be labeled "MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES."
SARAH: Otherwise I'm throwing it in the garbage.
SARAH: And if someone wrote MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES but there were snakes in there?
SARAH: Bitch be DEAD.

More Valid Questions

SARAH: Maybe I will show up on Tuesday just to wow your friend.
SARAH: And you know, give him the best wedding present ever - my existence.
NEW MANFRIEND: Will your ego fit into your dress on Saturday?

Valid Questions, All

NEW MANFRIEND: I never slept with a girl in a dirty frat-house bedroom.
SARAH: Did you sleep with boys in a dirty frat-house bedroom?
NEW MANFRIEND: No.
SARAH: What about ponies?

Man's Slippery Best Friend

SARAH: Duke drooled all over the floor.
SARAH: My dad asks why it's all wet.
SARAH: Deadpan, my mom says, "Spittles."
SARAH: Like that would be so obvious.
SARAH: Duke was like, drooling for the sake of it.
KATE: Don't hounds drool like a whole lot?
KATE: Isn't that one of their primary exports? Drool?
SARAH: Yeah, kinda. But it was coming out of both sides of his mouth and it was just…ew. Duke. Gross.
KATE: Your mom really comes out of left field sometimes.
SARAH: That’s when I like my mom.
SARAH: When she’s funny and yells at the cars in front of her that aren’t turning right on red and tells them to shit or get off the pot.
KATE: Spittles.
SARAH: Not to be confused with Skittles.
SARAH: Taste the rainbow.
SARAH: Of drool.
SARAH: On the floor.

It's Not Just Sarah (Texts From Sarah)

My dad was just wandering around the kitchen singing "Toot toot! Uh-huh. Beep beep! Uh-huh"

And Many More...

SARAH: OMG Guess what my dad did for my mom's birthday.
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The Queen of Hearts

SARAH: Well, he’s a lover and not a fighter.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.

We Don't Even Need Twitter Anymore (Texts From Sarah)

#killingit
#fancyladies
#withfancyfaces

Never Forget.

SARAH: So what’s Fancy Lady doing on her date tonight?
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like But You Can Never Leave

SARAH: And then we ventured into Chelsea and the meatpacking district.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.

The New Puppy, AKA The Doodie

SARAH: The doodie needs to get trained on the invisible fence.
SARAH: The doodie isn’t smart and makes terrible horrible noises when he gets shocked.
SARAH: I tell doodie that it’s okay when he’s in the middle of the yard.
SARAH: He just shouldn’t go near the sides.
SARAH: Like Operation.
KATE: And I'm sure if you explain it to him that way he'll understand completely.
SARAH: Well, we normally talk about all sorts of profound things over breakfast, except when he’s sleeping or chewing on his nuts. So.
SARAH: It wouldn’t be too far-fetched.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
SARAH: Happens.

The Summer When Dreams Come True (A Letter from Sarah)

Dearest, Most Lovely Starshine,

I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.

And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.

WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.

It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.


Love,
Sarah

Sarah Has a Good Day

SARAH: I love you. I love everything right now.
KATE: Yes, I imagine you do.
KATE: I love you too, dear.
KATE: We're just like Walter and Perry.
KATE: Time has now stopped.
KATE: Come on, Wednesday. You were doing so well.
SARAH: Probably because we’ve weighed down the world with so much gay that it can no longer move.

A Little Extra Barf and Gay

SARAH: I still think of some of your poems as the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.

Don't Keep Your Recipes Alphabetized and This Won't Happen

SARAH: We are having chicken in a pot tonight for dinner.
SARAH: Tell me something.
SARAH: How does my family exist? I still don’t understand.
SARAH: They are all completely mental.
KATE: Oh NO. Not chicken shit pot!
KATE: Can you do us all a favor? Make sure your mom actually cooks it this time?
KATE: And if not, make sure somebody throws it out?
KATE: ::shudder::
SARAH: No no – not chicken shit pot. Chicken IN a pot.
SARAH: I made it for you once. You liked it. You know, with the orzo?
SARAH: God, no one PLANS chicken shit pot