The Lovers: An Aside

SARAH: BJ is talking to me.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.

BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.

Some time later.

SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.

The Lovers, Reunited After Two Birthdays

BJ: So, you're one year closer to death now.
BJ: I had no idea that your birthday was so close to the High Holy Day that is my birthday.
SARAH: Well, my birthday is first because I am better.
BJ: ...
BJ: Your birthday is a week after mine.
SARAH: Mine is better.
BJ: By your own logic, I am better.
BJ: I have won this already.
SARAH: You can bite me, BJ.
BJ: I am the victor.
SARAH: You can just bite me.
BJ: I AM THE VICTOR.
SARAH: And no more fucking cupcakes for you.
BJ: =(
SARAH: HA
BJ: Kate will bake me cupcakes! You're not the boss of her!
SARAH: I'm not the boss of her, but I'm her housewife.
SARAH: and therefore...no.
SARAH: I win.
BJ: I am still the victor.
BJ: Never forget that.
SARAH: You are not.
SARAH: and I already have.
BJ: NEVER FORGET.
BJ: Then you hate America.
SARAH: Good, I do.
BJ: You hate Amer'ca.
SARAH: If you're america, that's terrible and yes, I totally hate it.
BJ: Terrorist.
SARAH: I don't think that i'm a terrorist. I'm just someone that dislikes you. A lot.
BJ: Terrorists never think that they're terrorists.

Sarah, Happy Homemaker

I found a recipe for baked ziti. All these people commented on the recipe saying that they are going to layer the ziti with the cheese mixture and the sauce and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, IDIOT PEOPLE? LASAGNA. YOU HAVE MADE LASAGNA. To mix all of it together is baked ziti. Fucking IDIOTS.

Sarah Loves Going to the Hospital

SARAH: So...I might have sprained my ankle.
SARAH: Ask me how.
KATE: Sarahhhhhhh
KATE: How?
SARAH: My toes got tangled up in my ipod wire that connects the pod to my computer
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: and I tripped.
SARAH: I was running because my toast dinged and I wanted it.
KATE: Of course.
KATE: I will be home in a few hours. Try not to die before then.
SARAH: I can't make any promises.
SARAH: I have to go to the store yet,
SARAH: I could die there.
KATE: Please don't.

Sarah Loves Children

SARAH: OH MY GOD
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY

Sarah Loves Our Neighborhood

SARAH: HOLY HELL, GET YOUR KID OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU IDIOT.
SARAH: Srsly, you know what time your kid gets home...be there. otherwise the bus goes careening around the neighborhood and the fucking bus driver just leans on the horn for 5 minutes...
SARAH: I AM TRYING TO BE FUNEMPLOYED IN PEACE OVER HERE, ASSHATS
SARAH: I would say I'm done, but we both know I'm not.
KATE: No, of course not.

We're Not Dead! But We Might Be Soon!, or, Sarah Has Lyme Disease

SARAH: THANKS FUCKING DEER TICKS I WILL KILL YOU ALL
KATE: That would be good if you could do that
SARAH: I wish I knew how.
KATE: I wish we had saved that tick
KATE: So I could light it on fire again
SARAH: But you already lit it on fire once
KATE: I know, but now that you definitely have Lyme I want to do it again.
SARAH: FUCKING LYME