The Queen of Hearts

SARAH: Well, he’s a lover and not a fighter.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.

Never Forget.

SARAH: So what’s Fancy Lady doing on her date tonight?
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.

A Little Extra Barf and Gay

SARAH: I still think of some of your poems as the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.

Silly New Manfriend.

SARAH: He thinks that every thing I do is reasonable which is BAD and DANGEROUS idea.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.

How Things Are

KATE: So he stood her up.
KATE: He called later and said he had forgotten or had the wrong date on his calendar or something.
SARAH: That is bullshit.
SARAH: If someone wants to go out with me, they better be waiting from the moment they ask me until the moment I show up
SARAH: to see my wonderful face and bask in my ever-awesome life.
SARAH: I don't have an ego problem.

Pretty Awesome.

SARAH: I think New Manfriend thinks the sun shines out of my butt, so there’s that.
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?

And God Help You If It Isn't Seedless.

SARAH: New Manfriend just told me he’s going to the store tomorrow to get things for his birthday.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.

Oh, the Crushing.

SARAH: Made the mistake of telling New Manfriend about my demand for nachos.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.

We Don't Just Coin Phrases. We Dollar Buck Them.

SARAH: The last email from New Guy told me that people in the room next to his are being very shouty and he wants to shank them.
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?

Sarah Has a Date Tonight

KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.

Rubble Rouser

SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.

Sarah Makes Friends Online

SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.

She's Back in the Game.

SARAH: Now I know why the website is okcupid and not okaycupid.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.

Achilles Has a New Girlfriend...Or So He Claims.

ACHILLES: Pretty much any girl who was nice to me and threw herself on me would have succeeded.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.

I Don't Think You're Ready for This

KATE: Just realized that the DMB song "Typical Situation" is no longer accurate.
KATE: There are not nine planets anymore.
KATE: Huh.
KATE: Fortunately, the classics are still valid.
KATE: "Single Ladies" will always be true.
SARAH: Men need to learn – if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
SARAH: That is the truth.
SARAH: Beyonce knows us better than we do.
SARAH: She also felt that people were not ready for her jelly. I can understand that feeling too.
SARAH: I’ve got a lot of jelly myself.

We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.

KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men. 
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle. 
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that?  Everyone wants that.  HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles.  Sexytimes.  I want such simple things. 
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it. 
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

How Frosty Is It?

SARAH:  I'm being a frosty ice princess right now.
SARAH: I'm so frosty I can ice my own knee.
SARAH: I'm so frosty, you'd need to wear a winter coat in my room.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that Jack fuckin' Frost looks like the sun.
SARAH: Frosty the goddamn Snowman aint got SHIT on me.
KATE: Sing it.
SARAH: Or snow, for that matter.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that winter needs to go to the southern hemisphere when I'm around.
SARAH: I'm SO frosty that I don't even have to make sense.
KATE: That IS frosty.
KATE: And does it frost your butt?
SARAH: Frosts my butt.
SARAH: And burns my biscuits.
SARAH: And also greases my chassis
SARAH: Which is a personal problem
SARAH: I overshared.

Somehow It Always Becomes About the Crushing.

My sunburn is okay. It’s a little burny. Headache is painy. Knees are okay – it’s actually my thigh muscles that hurt super bad. And they are getting better and I know they hurt like this because I’m working them out and then they will be all good and strong and WHOO WATCH OUT MEN, I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH MY LEGS.

Sarah May Need a New Hobby

SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.