Silly New Manfriend.

SARAH: He thinks that every thing I do is reasonable which is BAD and DANGEROUS idea.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.

Storm Season's A-Comin'.

SARAH: Apparently on Saturday I drunkenly (and correctly) told New Manfriend that his pretty perfect friend is one of those girls that I really don’t like.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.

Sarah Was a Wee Bit Tipsy on Saturday

SARAH: One of New Manfriend’s friends just sent me a friend request on Facebook
SARAH: I asked New Manfriend who she was and he told me I talked to her for a while on Saturday night.
SARAH: YEAH, NO MEMORY OF THAT.
SARAH: But apparently she liked me. As she should.
SARAH: But I have no memory of talking to her.
SARAH: Therefore? We’re not going to be friends on Facebook.
KATE: SARAH HAS SPOKEN.
SARAH: YES I HAVE, YOU BITCHES.

The Lexicon Continues to Expand

SARAH: Do you know what a road soder is?
STARSHINE: I do not.
SARAH: A road soder (soda) is a beer.
SARAH: It's a joke in my family.
STARSHINE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SARAH: Going on a long drive? TAKE A ROAD SODER!
SARAH: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE.
STARSHINE: Road soders are good when you're on the train!
SARAH: Oh, Starshine.
SARAH: Those are train soders.

Texts From Last Night That Will Probably Recur Tonight

(quoted)(925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
KATE: Awww. Like you would ever waste good vodka on a balloon.
KATE: Though if it actually did float it would be a very handy way to carry your drink.
SARAH: Oh man, then I would bring balloons to work every day.
SARAH: Don’t mind me, coworkers. I just wanted an extra bit of cheer in my cube.
SARAH: Y’all can suck it.

She Is Going to Haunt the F*** Out of Us.

SARAH: Fact – going to serve popcorn and vodka at my funeral.
SARAH: Get excited.

Sarah Makes Friends Online

SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.

I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Editor's Note: Corporate Underwriting

I'm beginning to think we could get Absolut to sponsor this blog.

Blame Canada, Part II

SARAH: I will tell you what my issue is.
SARAH: We have 3 programs (let’s call them programs A, B and C) that have been cancelled.
SARAH: So we sent out an email and it says, ‘Hey you damn Canadians, programs A, B, and C have been cancelled. Get rid of the materials. We aren’t doing that shiz.”
SARAH: So Canadian Archnemesis emails me and is all like, “What about program K? What about program R?”
SARAH: And I want to say WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SARAH: YOU TELL ME IF YOU THINK THAT THEY ARE CANCELLED EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T MENTION THOSE.
KATE: It's ok. It's Friday, it's 3pm, and your week is almost over, and then you will haz Mexican foods and kissyfaces.
KATE: And vodka!
SARAH: I don’t haz Mexican or kissy faces until tomorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooow.
KATE: Sarah, I don't haz Mexican or kissyfaces EVER. So shut up.
KATE: You can wait 24 hours.
SARAH: 24 hours is a long-ass time and you know it.
SARAH: Especially when you’re going to explode from HATRED.

Blame Canada, Part I

SARAH: Canadians gon’ get shanked.
SARAH: Kill me. Just kill me.
KATE: Don't let the Canadians get you down.
KATE: You're the Vodka Queen!
SARAH: The Canadians are getting me down. They send me snotty emails.
SARAH: And by they, I mean only one dude.
SARAH: He is my archnemesis for a reason.
SARAH: You better believe I’m going to drink my face off tonight.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

SARAH: Borat knows about Best of Sarah but I haven’t sent him the link.  It’s a little...much.
SARAH: Also, all I talk about is drinking, steak and sexy times. 
SARAH: I don’t think that really is all I’m about. 
SARAH: I also like cupcakes. 
SARAH: And glitter. 
SARAH: And goddamn unicorns.
SARAH: And did I mention you?  I LOVE YOU TOTES GAY OVER HERE

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

Sarah Anticipates Her Family Vacation

A week from now, I’ll be drinking vodka and reading on a beach. A WEEK. I can do this. I can work through this week to get to the vodka on the other side.

I’m like the chicken that crossed the road, except I’m Sarah, and I exploded all the shit in my way to get to the end of the week. And the vodka.

The History of Anything, I Say

KATE: Google says: "Vet Scopes Affordable Yes - 8mm 150cm Endoscopes New Veterinary Endoscopy Systems"
KATE: Google thinks maybe you and I are going to be doing some mobile veterinary medicine. 
KATE: That's sweet of you to think, Google, but it's going to be more like "mobile margarita medicine."
SARAH: I like the idea of mobile margarita medicine. We have the best ideas. And Stephanie is going to make us dinner!
KATE: Actually, dinner's pretty much made (hello crockpot). So we should have a lovely evening.
SARAH: Whatever. The fact that it’s basically made means there is more time for drinking. And that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard EVER in the history of ANYTHING

Sarah Has a Drinking Problem, Part II

I have been amazing today.

Also, I have drank so much water today that I can switch to vodka when I get home. I like my justification of things. I don’t need anyone to try to convince me otherwise. Drinking water all day allows you to drink vodka all night. Or at least until you pass out. One or the other. Something like that.

OMG TIME PLZ TO MOVE FORWARD.

Sarah May Need a New Hobby

SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.

Sarah Runs with a Klassy Krowd

SARAH: I have no idea what to wear to this party tonight,
SARAH: Which is unsurprising.
SARAH: Last year I wore that black sweater and apparently my boobs were hanging out.
KATE: whooooops
SARAH: Because my aunts were sticking things down my shirt.
SARAH: You know, like you do.
SARAH: I mean, don't your aunts stick things down your shirt?
KATE: Not generally. There's not a lot of tomfoolery.
KATE: ...At least none that ends with me fishing butter packets out of my bra.
SARAH: You haven't really lived, then.
KATE: Hey, at least I get out.
SARAH: You may be out, but you are not alive.
KATE: All right, all right.
SARAH: I hope someone sticks butter in your bra tonight.
KATE: Merry Christmas to you too.

And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt

A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.

SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
  
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane

Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
 
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?


*To clarify: They never went out.

See Also: Duck Farts.

SARAH: I just thought of this one:
SARAH: Unicorns fart glitter, right?
SARAH: So if you were going to have to have a shot called a Unicorn Fart,
SARAH: you have to have vanilla vodka, glitter
SARAH: and a tad bit of cranberry juice
SARAH: because I would imagine unicorn farts are pink and glittery.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Hardly.
SARAH: But I have been giggling to myself
SARAH: about animal flatulence.
KATE: That's really what's important.