I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Monsters, Inc.

SARAH: Anne Boleyn was so badass. Think about it – she got the man that she wanted (granted, she stole him from another woman, which I cannot approve of) but she got him to marry her because she refused to be a mistress.
SARAH: SHE REFUSED THE KING.
SARAH: She was smart and funny and very charming and everyone loved her.
SARAH: And then she got her head chopped off.
SARAH: Which is sort of a bummer.
KATE: Look at the bright side--before Henry got sick of her she managed to come up with Elizabeth, who is the awesomest lady ever.
SARAH: That’s right! She did create Elizabeth, who is a frosty ice princess and our fearless leader.
SARAH: Also, can I just say that NOT being a frosty ice princess is like the easiest thing ever.
SARAH: Like, not forcing someone to talk to me by not talking to them makes far more sense than shooting lasers at them with my eyeballs to make them talk to me.
SARAH: And I know you know what I’m talking about.
SARAH: We’re both Make Love to Me Monsters. We understand.
SARAH: I haven’t been the Make Love to Me Monster in so long.
SARAH: I have been the FUCKING FEED ME NOW Monster like every day since forever.
SARAH: Which is why I don’t fit into my pants.

On Second Thought, Stop Thinking.

SARAH: I love that we exist.
SARAH: Think of how sad the world would be if you and I weren’t big nerds and didn’t work at B&N and wear the same sweater one day. Think about it.
SARAH: Actually, don’t. It might make you throw yourself off a building because it’s such a sad thought.

We'll Get Together Then, Bun

KATE: Look at this.
SARAH: Why would you want to convince someone that you’ve given birth to rabbits?
SARAH: And why would a rabbit give you a miscarriage?
KATE: I bet if I got pregnant it would be with rabbits.
KATE: I was saying something the other night about how tired I was and Dublin said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" and I said, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"
KATE: But pregnant with rabbits. Now THAT would be a miracle.
SARAH: EW EW SHE PUT A CAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING EVER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
SARAH: It’s a Thanksgiving miracle – Kate has a bun in the oven!
SARAH: A rabbit bun. But still a bun.
KATE: Just decided. "A Bunny in the Oven" is the name of the Full-Out Criers' first album.
SARAH: Bunny in the oven. I love it. I’m so going to ask people if they have bunnies in the oven now.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: No, srsly. If at any point, I decide I should put a DEAD ANIMAL in any part of my body that is not my mouth, you need to stop me.
SARAH: I don’t even think I have to say this because it sounds like common sense, but it needs to be said to some people.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: GROSS. ICK AND GROSS.
SARAH: EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Classy ladies, you and I.
SARAH: No wonder I have a date tonight – I’m talking about putting cats in cooters.
SARAH: And the cat’s in the cooter at the silver spoon!
SARAH: Little boy blue and the man in the moon!

The Sound of One Hand Clapping You Upside the Head

SARAH: That website is like stealing Best of Sarah! Those bitches!
KATE: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody could ever steal BoS, because the key element of BoS is...Sarah. It's you.
KATE: Without you there would be no site. It would be Best of.
KATE: Best of What? Best of NOTHING.
KATE: So.
SARAH: Best of nothing is not something anyone would want to read.
SARAH: Because nothing is nothing.
SARAH: Take that, existentialism!

The Office Awkwardness Continues

SARAH: Looking for things to do.
SARAH: Talking about Coworker K with food. That’s all I’ve been able to do.
SARAH: Talking about food. Loving talking about food.
KATE: You're probably talking about food with Coworker K. Not the other way around.
KATE: But I could be wrong.
SARAH: Nope – talking with food about Coworker K.
SARAH: It’s getting weird because I know that Coworker K can hear me and the food doesn’t care.

The Meaning of Meaning

SARAH: We are the most thrilling girls that I know.
SARAH: Totally and absolutely.
SARAH: OMG ALMOST POPCORN TIME DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!?!?!
SARAH: Its almost popcorn time. That’s what it means.

Billy Idol is a Liar

There has been a serious lack of dance parties in my life since you’re not around. I should start them up again, but dancing with yourself really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I'd Say That's Awkward.

SARAH: Things that are awkward: listening to Boss Lady argue with her husband about how he should stop smoking.
SARAH: She keeps on whisper-shouting, “I HAD COMPASSION FOR YOU BEFORE”
SARAH: Awkward turtle.
SARAH: She just hung up on him.
SARAH: Man, I am not jealous to not live in that house.

Sarah Solves Office Supply Problems

KATE: I'm using a red fine-point sharpie to edit...and it's all slimy.
KATE: Like my Crayola markers were all slimy this summer.
KATE: WTF MARKERS ARE YOU SNAILS?
SARAH: Pour salt on them and see what happens.

Not Even Once.

SARAH: I’m seeing the lady pocket doctor on Thursday and we have a lot to discuss.
KATE: Hey! You can say, "OMG GUESS WHAT I HAD SEX LIKE FOUR JILLION TIMES."
KATE: And that'll be cool.
KATE: Right? Right.
SARAH: I don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I had sex 4 jillion times.
SARAH: Wait. Who am I kidding? Yes I am.
SARAH: I will proudly tell her that.
SARAH: Followed by “AND I DIDN’T GET KNOCKED UP ONCE. THERE’S NO BUN IN THIS OVEN!”
SARAH: I feel like I should have a pin that says that or something.

I Also Have a Doctorate in Buttcracks.

SARAH: Thanks, MSN.
SARAH: It's ball science.
KATE: I'm not sure what it says about me, but you are not the first one of my friends to send me this.
SARAH: Apparently we know you have a thing for ball science.
SARAH: Weirdo.
KATE: I do not have a thing for "ball science," thank you very much.
KATE: I have a thing for science in general.
KATE: It's not my fault you people fixate on balls.
SARAH: It’s totes ball science.
SARAH: My Friend Kate, Ball Scientist.
SARAH: That has a nice ring to it

Heathen, Heal Thyself!

KATE: Feeling pukey.
KATE: Surprised? Nope.
KATE: Just pukey.
KATE: Totes just broke a nail by putting my hand on the desk. Gently.
KATE: Not gently enough, apparently.
SARAH: You’re a mess over there.
SARAH: Could you please settle down?
KATE: No, I cannot settle down.
KATE: I am just going to keep disintegrating until I fall apart completely.
KATE: So there.
SARAH: You need to learn to settle down before your arms fall off. Then what will you do?
SARAH: You’ll have to wear a helmet with a pencil attached just so you can type.
SARAH: You cannot be a copywriter without arms.
SARAH: I’m pretty sure that’s a rule or something.
KATE: You and your rules.
KATE: Damn the man. I don't need arms.
KATE: I may, however, need to eat something, since clearly I have lost my damn mind.
SARAH: They aren’t my rules. They are society’s rules.
SARAH: Maybe you should drink some water.

She Tries.

SARAH: Did you see this?
SARAH: DON’T LET THE CHILDREN USE THE INTERNET.
SARAH: DON’T LET THEM USE THE CELLULAR PHONES.
SARAH: I try to find reasons to want to have kids, but every article that I read on the internet tells me that they are going to be evil, sexually active drugged out heathens.
SARAH: And that’s by the age of 2.
SARAH: So you know, internet, you’re making me think I don’t want kids.

She Works Hard for It, Honey

SARAH: Actual words that I said to NewGuy on Sunday:
SARAH: “Please make sure your brother knows that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: I’m only here at night and he never sees me.
SARAH: I’m not a hooker. Tell him that.”
KATE: I think that's very smart of you. I hope he tells him that.
KATE: I mean, NewGuy seems like a cool guy.
KATE: I don't think he'd need a hooker, let alone one on a weekly schedule, but you never know.
SARAH: No, he doesn’t need a hooker.
SARAH: Also, I’m so not getting paid for this, so I’m going to have to start charging him.
SARAH: Also, I don’t want to be a hooker. I really don’t.
KATE: Don't be a hooker.
KATE: Can I put this on Best of Sarah?
SARAH: I almost want to brag to all the Best of Sarah readers that I am having the sexytimes.
SARAH: Because it’s that important.
SARAH: So sure. Tell the readers that I’m not a hooker.
SARAH: Just in case they wondered.
SARAH: Sarah – So Totes Not a Hooker.
SARAH: Hookers don’t have families.
SARAH: We both know that I have a family.
SARAH: Therefore, I can never be a hooker.

Sarah Experiences Late Afternoon Malaise

SARAH: How is it not go-home time?
SARAH: How is this possible?
SARAH: Time is doing that standing-still bullshit and I have THINGS TO DO THAT ARE NOT HERE.
SARAH: Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t have anything to do.
SARAH: I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Editor's Note: Corporate Underwriting

I'm beginning to think we could get Absolut to sponsor this blog.

Blame Canada, Part III

KATE: I think you need to listen to some Dethklok tonight.
KATE: After all, there is a murder train a'comin'.
KATE: To Canada.
SARAH: The murder train is a’comin on the end of my fist.
SARAH: That’s right. I have murdertrains at the ends of my arms.
KATE: That's impressive but sounds a bit cumbersome.
KATE: Are they retractable?
SARAH: Only when I’m pleased.
SARAH: Which means it’s all murder trains, all the time.

Blame Canada, Part II

SARAH: I will tell you what my issue is.
SARAH: We have 3 programs (let’s call them programs A, B and C) that have been cancelled.
SARAH: So we sent out an email and it says, ‘Hey you damn Canadians, programs A, B, and C have been cancelled. Get rid of the materials. We aren’t doing that shiz.”
SARAH: So Canadian Archnemesis emails me and is all like, “What about program K? What about program R?”
SARAH: And I want to say WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SARAH: YOU TELL ME IF YOU THINK THAT THEY ARE CANCELLED EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T MENTION THOSE.
KATE: It's ok. It's Friday, it's 3pm, and your week is almost over, and then you will haz Mexican foods and kissyfaces.
KATE: And vodka!
SARAH: I don’t haz Mexican or kissy faces until tomorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooow.
KATE: Sarah, I don't haz Mexican or kissyfaces EVER. So shut up.
KATE: You can wait 24 hours.
SARAH: 24 hours is a long-ass time and you know it.
SARAH: Especially when you’re going to explode from HATRED.

Blame Canada, Part I

SARAH: Canadians gon’ get shanked.
SARAH: Kill me. Just kill me.
KATE: Don't let the Canadians get you down.
KATE: You're the Vodka Queen!
SARAH: The Canadians are getting me down. They send me snotty emails.
SARAH: And by they, I mean only one dude.
SARAH: He is my archnemesis for a reason.
SARAH: You better believe I’m going to drink my face off tonight.

Morning Has Broken

SARAH: At the Starbucks. There is a guy here wearing Ugg boots.
SARAH: I don't know why I'm surprised
SARAH: It's not even hip. It's just fucking weird.
SARAH: Wear real shoes, asshole.
SARAH: Find your shoes and wear boots like a man.
KATE: Maybe his balls went to Nashville too.
SARAH: Is that the ball capital of the United States?
KATE: It just might be.
SARAH: I don't want to go there anymore.

I Don't Think You're Ready for This

KATE: Just realized that the DMB song "Typical Situation" is no longer accurate.
KATE: There are not nine planets anymore.
KATE: Huh.
KATE: Fortunately, the classics are still valid.
KATE: "Single Ladies" will always be true.
SARAH: Men need to learn – if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
SARAH: That is the truth.
SARAH: Beyonce knows us better than we do.
SARAH: She also felt that people were not ready for her jelly. I can understand that feeling too.
SARAH: I’ve got a lot of jelly myself.

Sarah Has a Short Fuse

My parents keep on saying that they are going to Vermont this weekend. And then they say that they aren’t. then they are. Then they aren’t. YOU GUYS. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS I AM TRYING TO MAKE PLANS HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

Sarah Respects Her Elders

KATE: Nelly turns 36 today.
KATE: How does that make you feel?
SARAH: Stop it.
SARAH: That's not what's going on. There's no way he's that old.
SARAH: How is he not dead yet?