SARAH: Eating this honeydew melon.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sarah Has Some Opinions About Things
SARAH: If you want to be a vegan, you shouldn’t be able to exist. End of freakin’ story.
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS
You Tell 'Em.
SARAH: It smells like pizza around here.
SARAH: I'm eating a piece of chocolate.
SARAH: Suck on that, Thursday.
SARAH: I'm eating a piece of chocolate.
SARAH: Suck on that, Thursday.
Duke Finds a Home (in Hell)
SARAH: The vet told my dad that Duke will totally end up being more than 100 pounds
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?
Get On That, Neville
SARAH: I watched the Harry Potter trailer.
SARAH: Made me really happy and then really sad.
SARAH: Because it’s going to be over.
SARAH: And because there’s a giant snake in the damn movie.
SARAH: What am I going to do? I hate snakes.
SARAH: I hate giant ones even more.
SARAH: HOW WILL I WATCH THAT SHIT IN 3D?
SARAH: #firstworldproblems
SARAH: Made me really happy and then really sad.
SARAH: Because it’s going to be over.
SARAH: And because there’s a giant snake in the damn movie.
SARAH: What am I going to do? I hate snakes.
SARAH: I hate giant ones even more.
SARAH: HOW WILL I WATCH THAT SHIT IN 3D?
SARAH: #firstworldproblems
I Believe The Technical Term is Shittrombone
SARAH: Starshine just called someone a shittrumpet.
SARAH: I cannot handle my life
SARAH: I cannot handle my life
Sarah's Family Has a New Dog
SARAH: My mom, to Duke this morning: “We’re going to chop your gonads off at 6 months. To the day. YES WE ARE”
SARAH: My mom was very excited to tell Duke he would not have balls anymore.
SARAH: My mom was very excited to tell Duke he would not have balls anymore.
Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring (Banana Face!)
SARAH: Just told one of my coworkers I was going to punch her in the banana face.
KATE: What does that even mean?
SARAH: She was eating a banana. Thus...banana face.
SARAH: Going to get punched there. And it's going to hurt. Or at least I think it will.
SARAH: That’s what happens when you have a banana face.
KATE: What does that even mean?
SARAH: She was eating a banana. Thus...banana face.
SARAH: Going to get punched there. And it's going to hurt. Or at least I think it will.
SARAH: That’s what happens when you have a banana face.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Second Rule of Best of Sarah
SARAH: You know, I write you dumb things.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.
The First Rule of Best of Sarah is You Don't Talk About Best of Sarah Except Actually You Do.
SARAH: The Frenemy is so wonderful.
SARAH: I wish I could be as awesome as she is.
KATE: You're a real person, so you're already awesomer.
KATE: I mean, you're mostly a real person.
KATE: I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder if you are my Tyler Durden.
SARAH: Yes. I am.
SARAH: All those bruises you have? That’s Sarah Tyler Durden, from the fight clubs I have at night.
SARAH: You’re really talking to yourself right now, not another person.
KATE: I KNEW IT.
KATE: Well, we may as well keep it up. I'm rather enjoying it.
SARAH: Totes fucking mcgoats.
SARAH: I am Kate’s sense of AWESOME and I am TINGLING
SARAH: I wish I could be as awesome as she is.
KATE: You're a real person, so you're already awesomer.
KATE: I mean, you're mostly a real person.
KATE: I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder if you are my Tyler Durden.
SARAH: Yes. I am.
SARAH: All those bruises you have? That’s Sarah Tyler Durden, from the fight clubs I have at night.
SARAH: You’re really talking to yourself right now, not another person.
KATE: I KNEW IT.
KATE: Well, we may as well keep it up. I'm rather enjoying it.
SARAH: Totes fucking mcgoats.
SARAH: I am Kate’s sense of AWESOME and I am TINGLING
Sarah Makes Friends Online
SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sarah Loves Cadbury
Just ate a Cadbury caramel egg and there might have been foil stuck on it and I might have eaten it anyway…but you can’t prove it
Sarah Has a Bad Day
SARAH: Well, I went to the dermatologist this morning because I was like, WHY DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE ASS?
SARAH: And she said, I DON'T KNOW, PUT THIS CREAM ON IT
SARAH: And I don't feel well
SARAH: And also, rain
SARAH: And she said, I DON'T KNOW, PUT THIS CREAM ON IT
SARAH: And I don't feel well
SARAH: And also, rain
Sarah Loves Doctors (and Doctors LOVE Sarah)
SARAH: I'm at the dermatologist's!
SARAH: And I will say, "Why does my face look so terrible?"
SARAH: And she will say, "Well, Sarah, you've got a nasty case of the assface"
SARAH: And I will say, "Why does my face look so terrible?"
SARAH: And she will say, "Well, Sarah, you've got a nasty case of the assface"
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
She's Back in the Game.
SARAH: Now I know why the website is okcupid and not okaycupid.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.
Achilles Has a New Girlfriend...Or So He Claims.
ACHILLES: Pretty much any girl who was nice to me and threw herself on me would have succeeded.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.
Achilles Has No Hair. Sarah Is Very Sympathetic.
SARAH: Achilles and I are arguing…about why I wear makeup to work.
SARAH: I bet he’s jealous. He wants to feel like a pretty pretty princess too. SARAH: He’s jealous of my long hair.
SARAH: I should brush it next time he’s around and shout MAN THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE HAVING HAIR
SARAH: I bet he’s jealous. He wants to feel like a pretty pretty princess too. SARAH: He’s jealous of my long hair.
SARAH: I should brush it next time he’s around and shout MAN THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE HAVING HAIR
How About A Tea Party in Your Trousers?
SARAH: ANTS IN MY PANTS, GET OUT.
SARAH: THIS IS NO PLACE FOR AN ANT FARM.
KATE: Sarah is the #1 exporter of snot rockets from the nation of Kate.
KATE: I just did it again. Or rather, you just made me do it again.
KATE: You're right, though. Get out of there, ants.
SARAH: Seriously, I don’t even know how the ants got in there.
SARAH: I am not having a picnic in my pants.
SARAH: THIS IS NO PLACE FOR AN ANT FARM.
KATE: Sarah is the #1 exporter of snot rockets from the nation of Kate.
KATE: I just did it again. Or rather, you just made me do it again.
KATE: You're right, though. Get out of there, ants.
SARAH: Seriously, I don’t even know how the ants got in there.
SARAH: I am not having a picnic in my pants.
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