SARAH: New Manfriend just told me he’s going to the store tomorrow to get things for his birthday.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.
Showing posts with label unreasonable demands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unreasonable demands. Show all posts
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Oh, the Crushing.
SARAH: Made the mistake of telling New Manfriend about my demand for nachos.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sarah Has a Date Tonight
KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.
Rubble Rouser
SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sarah Makes Friends Online
SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sartre Had Similar Issues
SARAH: I want chili. I most certainly do not want my rice and veggies for lunch. But I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it and be pissed with every bite.
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up.
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis?
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde.
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde.
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it.
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years.
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want. And you know, make unreasonable demands.
SARAH: It is my blonde existence!
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!
A few minutes later
SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff. Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not.
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde.
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Or maybe I do.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up.
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis?
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde.
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde.
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it.
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years.
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want. And you know, make unreasonable demands.
SARAH: It is my blonde existence!
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!
A few minutes later
SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff. Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not.
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde.
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Or maybe I do.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
If You Liked It Then You Should Have Asked to See a Dessert Menu
SARAH: When I was in the bathroom washing my hands, I got a hardcore craving for a NY strip steak. HEY BOYS. BUY ME STEAK.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical? We may have thought that I have grown, but no. I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak.
SARAH: And I want a salad too.
SARAH: And some vodka drinks.
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical? We may have thought that I have grown, but no. I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak.
SARAH: And I want a salad too.
SARAH: And some vodka drinks.
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sarah May Need a New Hobby
SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.
Monday, July 27, 2009
And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt
A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tyrannosaurus Sarah
SARAH: If I was still dating Achilles and he brought me a cupcake from the Magnolia Bakery,
SARAH: it would be a very very good night in his life
SARAH: but since i DON'T date him
SARAH: I'm just going to emotionally abuse him for a while.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
KATE: You are some kind of monster.
SARAH: a CUPCAKE-EATING, MAN-CRUSHING MONSTER
KATE: That's the one.
SARAH: it would be a very very good night in his life
SARAH: but since i DON'T date him
SARAH: I'm just going to emotionally abuse him for a while.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
KATE: You are some kind of monster.
SARAH: a CUPCAKE-EATING, MAN-CRUSHING MONSTER
KATE: That's the one.
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