Duke Finds a Home (in Hell)

SARAH: The vet told my dad that Duke will totally end up being more than 100 pounds
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?

I Almost Feel Bad for Demon Cat Sometimes

SARAH: My mom yelled at Ollie this morning because Ollie does not want to poop in the litter box.
SARAH: She kept on saying, “YOU POOP IN HERE,” and shaking him.
SARAH: He’s like a martini.
SARAH: A poop martini.

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

Could I Have Been Any Other Hamster Than Me?

Sometimes, I think it would be awesome to be a small animal, because then regular food would be HUGE and who doesn’t want to eat a HUGE PIECE OF POPCORN? Then I remember that I would be a small animal and someone would probably step on me. Or Ollie would eat me out of spite.

I'm Telling You, the Cat is Pure Evil

SARAH: Maybe I should get Ollie a squeaky toy. It would sound like him rolling over a mouse.
SARAH: Because he is Voldemort.
KATE: If I hadn't met Ollie, I wouldn't believe that a cat could do that. But I have, and yes, such a ridiculous thing is not only possible but likely. A-mazing. That has to be the best thing that cat has ever done.
SARAH: Once he had his claws out and smacked my neanderthal ex-boyfriend in the junk.  That was also amazing.
KATE: That's right! If only we had this all on video, we could do a highlights reel. Oh well. I really don't want to see neanderthal junk anyway. 
KATE: Ugh.
SARAH: And then, if we did a highlights reel, Ollie would wait until we were sleeping and slit our throats with his claws.  He would waddle to Cupcake Land and pick our lock with his claws and then he would open the door (because he’s just about figured out how to do that) and he would come and find us.
SARAH: And then eat Angela and Phyllis for good measure.
KATE: No way, man. If we did a highlights reel Ollie would get lawyers and sue us. And THEN he'd kill us and our pets in our sleep.
SARAH: I like to imagine fat Ollie smashing his paws on the phone trying to call some lawyers.

Texts from Sarah: Demon Cat Edition

Ollie is rolling in the grass and every time he rolls I hear a squeaking sound...I'm pretty sure he's crushing a field mouse to death with his fat ass.

Cat Pot Calling Cat Kettle Cat Black

SARAH: FLAKY CAT LADY I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND
SARAH: She’s all like “I thought I was crazy because I didn’t see that link on there”
SARAH: LISTEN. YOU ARE CRAZY. LINK OR NOT, YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU HAVE FACEBOOK FOR YOUR CAT
KATE: Doesn't Ollie have a facebook?
KATE: Just saying.
SARAH: Ollie has catbook.  Which is facebook for cats.  There is a difference.  Also, you will notice that I don’t write on my own wall, pretending to be Ollie.  Nor have I updated catbook since I was in college. 
SARAH: But Flaky Cat Lady’s cat? Her cat updates its status. The cat. Updates. Its status.

Look at Her Go

Man, look at us, improving our lives. Or at least you are improving your life and I’m sitting here on my busted broken fat ass saying “MAN, LOOK AT KATE GO” and then eating everything that can fit in my mouth. Kind of like Ollie. Oh god, I’m turning into Ollie. Soon my mom will love me and squeeze me and feed me nonstop.
 
Wait. Who am I kidding? That will never happen.

Introducing: Flaky Cat Lady (Sarah Hates All Her Coworkers)

Where the hell is Ollie’s time machine? I need it to make this day over SHUT UP FLAKY CAT LADY

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND FULL OF VODKA, FLAKY CAT LADY, PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH

Sarah on Medication, Continued

B2 often threatens to shove his size 13 boot up Ollie’s shitass, but he never does it.

That cat has more enemies than friends. Also, I had to fight him off with a cardboard box last night, because he was trying to bite me. I won’t have that shit.

The World Makes Sense When Sarah is On Medication

SARAH: Oh man, Ollie was such a little bastard last night. He ran up to my mom and bit her and my mom claimed he bit her because he was not getting enough socialization. She is in denial. Very, very, very deep denial.
KATE: I just figured out who Ollie reminds me of: Dudley Dursley. And your mom is Petunia and she thinks her fat bastard can do no wrong but really he is an awful awful creature and terrorizes everyone. Which would make you (and everyone else) Harry Potter. But mostly you, because your mom is mean to you.
SARAH: Oh  man.  But I’m not going to Hogwarts.  I bet it’s because that bastard Ollie ate the owl before it got to me to give me my letter. Even though Ollie wasn’t even born when I would have been of the appropriate age to go to Hogwarts.  Ollie’s mom wasn’t even born then.  So…maybe not.
SARAH: But Ollie is so evil, I bet he made a time machine and went back to the past and told them to eat my letter from the Hogwarts owl and then Nellie (who was before Ollie and just as mean) ate the Hogwarts owl and in the end, Ollie wins.
SARAH: I just spent some time coming up with that scenario.  I think I need help.  Anti-inflammatory drugs have gone to my brain.
KATE: Wow. Yes. You do need help. But don't get too much help because then you won't be funny.

This Cat Has No Fashion Sense, Either

4:01pm Ollie's big fat ass makes it look like he's wearing parachute pants.

This Cat Doesn't Even Speak Spanish!

3:40pm I just shouted COMPRENDE MUCHACHO at Ollie
3:40pm He did not comprende
3:43pm And now he's trying to cough up a hairball

Ollie and His Baby Have a Complicated Relationship.

SARAH: Ollie was in a mood last night.
KATE: Isn't he always? 
SARAH: I caught him humping his baby.
KATE: Oh boy. Man. Ollie.
SARAH: and I said "HEY. KEEP IT CLEAN"
SARAH: and he glared.
SARAH: and then I picked him up when he got up the stairs
SARAH: and he wouldn't stop wiggling
KATE: Haha. Wiggle cat.
SARAH: kind of like pigs do, you know?
KATE: Yes.
KATE:  I know exactly what you mean.
SARAH: When you pick them up and they are all oinking and shit
SARAH: and I said "IF YOU FIGHT IT, IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE WORSE"
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: I was just holding him.
SARAH: He didn't have to struggle.
KATE:  That's what she said.
SARAH: I was all loving like, petting him and telling him he was a nice baby
SARAH: and he's thrashing around like an asshole.

Lessons in Terror

SARAH: Maybe i'll be like Ollie
SARAH: and hide in the bushes
SARAH: and scare children.
KATE: Please do.
SARAH: RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR VOLDEMORT I will yell when I jump out.
SARAH: And they'll fucking hit me with sticks
SARAH: Little assholes.

Like the World is Not Scary Enough Already

SARAH: I hardly ever do things for evil.
KATE: Oh, hardly EVER.
SARAH: It's not like I've taught Ollie to use a gun...yet.
KATE: That cat does NOT need any more weapons.
SARAH: He would totally use it on me.
SARAH: Like a fucker.

Don't Be That Cat

This morning, Ollie was sitting on my lap and I was petting him and he was purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring and then he would bite me and then he would purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr some more and then he would bite me again. Ollie, there are reasons no one loves you. We've figured them out.

Dear Kate's Stomach:

Don't be an asshole like Ollie. I mean, it isn't possible for your stomach to ACTUALLY be an asshole, mostly because they are in different places.

XO
Sarah

The Legend of Sarah and the Nasty-Ass Smell

Are you ready for the story of....Sarah and B2 and the Case of the Nasty-Ass Smell in My House OMG Where is it Coming From? (Kind of imagine this is like Are You Afraid of the Dark, and i threw that dust into the fire that makes it get all smoky and dramatic-like.)

Okay, so I came home last night and the house smelled TERRIBLE. It smelled like something had vomited and died. Yes, it was that bad. And my dad had no idea where the smell was coming from, and B2 had no idea. So my dad told B2 to wash out the garbage can, thinking maybe the smell was coming from there.

It wasn't.

So B2 asks my dad again where the smell is coming from. My dad tells us that he knows but we have to guess. So we start shouting out things - ONIONS! POTATOES! STRAWBERRIES! THAT WEIRD FIRE HYDRANT THING WE PUT COMPOST IN! THE FRUIT IN THE BASKET! OLLIE!

Nope, none of those things.

So...We had chicken on sunday night, like a whole roast chicken. We put it on a beer can and you put it on the grill and nom nom nom it is so good. So in the chicken come gizzards or whatever that s*** is? Well, my mom takes the gizzards out and does god knows what with them. We were going to have the chicken on Saturday night, but we ended up going out to dinner and we didn't have the chicken until Sunday. So the chicken gizzards sat on a pot on the stove from Saturday morning until last night... which explains the smell.

We are dying.

My dad says that we have to take the gizzards down to the compost or something and I said that I would do it as long as B2 had the assist (there were other things that needed to go as well). So I grab the gross chicken pot without looking at it and I go outside and I'm like "B2, OPEN THE GATE TO THE DECK SO I CAN GET RID OF THIS" and he's refusing because the smell is so bad and I'm begging him to do so and so I turned around with the chicken s*** pot and he's like "STOP TWIRLING LIKE A BALLERINA YOU ARE MAKING THIS WORSE"

He finally opens the gate and I start going down in the backyard and Jack starts following me and (I'm getting a little queasy thinking about this) I go to dump the chicken s*** out and it's stuck in the pot and THE CHICKEN S*** JUICE GETS ON MY HAND so I scream and drop it and run and now the chicken s*** smells is everywhere and WE ARE OUTSIDE and we're gagging and I tried to run away from the smell and it was following me and then Jack was eating the chicken s*** and I had to go and get the pot but it was in the bushes and GOD IT SMELLED SO BAD and I would start dry heaving whenever I got near the pot and then I finally got it.

So we went back up to the house and I left the pot on the deck to punish it for being nasty-ass. But my dad said we had to wash it. So i brought it in and covered it with soap and my dad washed it AND THE HOUSE STILL SMELLED LIKE CHICKEN S*** FROM A POT and then my mom came home because OF COURSE she was out at dinner. And we shouted at her about the chicken s*** in the pot.

Ollie May Be a Demon But I Almost Feel Sorry for Him

Ollie didn't come home until 1 AM and so my mom gave him a talking to this morning and told him that he was not allowed to be out that late. I think she thinks this works. I tell her to talk to the cat for my own personal amusement.

When she talks to Ollie, she picks him up and sort of shakes him around and he is too busy looking for food. Because he's a fatass. Also, he ate his way into a bag of dog food last night.

Demon Cat's Keyboard Debut

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Daily/Colbert - Keyboard Cat
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Last night i showed my mom Keyboard Cat. She didn't understand why it was funny, but I showed it to her. Then, after she had thrown the slippers at Ollie, I picked him up and said "Keyboard Ollie!" and flung his paws around and hummed the song. She told me I had to stop because Ollie was going to get away again and he had to go to bed.

Sometimes I am truly convinced that I live in a sitcom. There's no way this is a real life we're living.