All Sarah, All the Time

SARAH: Okay, if I don't have a job by August, I'm going to apply to be on the Real World.
SARAH: That's the only choice.
KATE: Obviously.
SARAH: Dude, I would RULE on that show.
SARAH: Man, they all hate each other. And say nasty things about each other. And I am a PRO at that shit.
KATE: You sure are.
KATE: Though it would quickly become The Sarah Show.
SARAH: And then they would pay me lots of money.
KATE: And then there would be a spinoff.
KATE: I Love Sarah.
SARAH: And I wouldn't need a job because then being AWESOME would be my job.
KATE: This is all going to happen.
KATE: I can just feel it.
SARAH: YES and then they would bring men on that think that they love me and I will destroy them.
SARAH: And then there will be another spinoff called Sarah Destroys Lives.
KATE: They should all be called that.
KATE: You can just number them.
KATE: SDL 1
KATE: SDL 2
KATE: SDL: THE REVENGE OF SARAH
SARAH: I can go back and destroy again.
KATE: Brilliant.
KATE: You can start with that tick that gave you lyme.
KATE: Because he deserves to be destroyed twice.
SARAH: We will find his fucking family
SARAH: And end them
KATE: All 4,000,000,000 of them?
SARAH: YES
KATE: Longest death list ever.
SARAH: I think you have to be on the show. You have to remind me who I need to exact my revenge on.
KATE: You could just keep a notebook, that would probably do the same thing.
SARAH: Okay, MTV is looking to cast a show about people that are BFF with their moms
SARAH: I could be on one about people wanting to kill their mothers.
KATE: It's true.
KATE: That would be a show on Lifetime.
SARAH: It would be "Snapped."
SARAH: It's about women that snap and kill people.
KATE: Sounds good. And maybe on that show they will give you rocket boosters for your car and a flame thrower and bumpers.
KATE: And a fist on a stick like the mayor had.
SARAH: OH MAN
SARAH: No one would ignore my phone calls again.
KATE: All your dreams will come true.
SARAH: Yes, they would. And yours too.
SARAH: It wouldn't be United Breaks Guitars, it would be SARAH BREAKS YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU DESERVE IT, MOTHERFUCKER
KATE: That would be all the time, right?
SARAH: ...maybe
KATE: You might need your own channel, dude.
SARAH: I need to have an element of surprise.
KATE: This is a lot of hours of programming.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I need my own channel.
SARAH: All Sarah, all the time
SARAH: Your life is my channel.
KATE: It's true.
KATE: We're supposed to get snow on the 27th. We don't have a forecast for the 28th yet. If it is snowing when I am leaving for Ireland I will need you to collect your weapons and meet me at Mount Olympus so I can beat Zeus up.
SARAH: Dude, they are so guessing about the 27th.
SARAH: They can't even be a little bit right about what happens.
KATE: I really don't want to have to lay the smackdown.
SARAH: Remain positive. It's not going to snow.
SARAH: Bitch please. Zeus won't know what hit him.
SARAH: But I'll give you a hint - it's my fist.

That's Not My Name

KATE: Oh NO. Someone's ringtone is Owl City blops and bleeps.
KATE: FAILLLLLLLLLLLL.
KATE: Dammit now I have Owl City stuck in my head.
KATE: I will find you
KATE: Whoever you are.
SARAH: Bleep bloop
SARAH: blop blop
KATE: sigh.
SARAH: Beep beep beepity beep
SARAH: blop
KATE: Thanks.
SARAH: That's Owl City for you.
KATE: Bleep bloop bloopity bloop to you.
SARAH: There was something I was going to tell you.
KATE: I hope it was real words
KATE: And not bleeps.
SARAH: As if maybe I haven't seen you in years.
KATE: Right, right.
SARAH: No, it was going to be real words.
SARAH: But now you've given me the idea of bleeps and bloops.
SARAH: You're going to be like "Do we have any milk?" and I will say BEEPITY BEEP
SARAH: And you'll hit me.
KATE: I really, really will.
SARAH: Nice, Kate.
SARAH: Very nice.
KATE: Classy lady, coming through.
SARAH: Ting ting!
KATE: Ting ting!
KATE: Bitch trolley, merrily careening across town.
SARAH: Yes.
SARAH: And you have on a conductor's hat.
SARAH: And you're giving everyone the finger.
KATE: Yes.
KATE: Ting ting.
SARAH: Shut up and let her go

Sarah in: The Decisionator

SARAH: Do you know this stuff with this media company has been going on for almost a month now?
KATE: Nonsense. That is nonsense.
SARAH: I interviewed on Jan 8th.
SARAH: You don't have to tell me it's nonsense. I am aware.
SARAH: I want to find this company that is being a pain in the ass and go and punch them.
SARAH: And be like THIS IS A JOB I NEED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MINDS I WILL HIT YOU.
KATE: That seems like it might speed up their decision process.
SARAH: I hate these people.
KATE: Then let's hope you don't have to work with them.
SARAH: I know decisions relating to businesses are not ones to be taken lightly
SARAH: BUT SERIOUSLY? A MONTH?!
SARAH: Maybe companies should hire me to go and help clients decide
SARAH: and I can just bust in the potential client's office, all jeans and steel-toed Clydesdale-kicking boots and demand answers
SARAH: and JUSTICE.
KATE: Yes PLEASE.
KATE: And you need a costume.
KATE: To go with those boots.
SARAH: And I can roll up blasting Miranda Lambert and be so fired up.
KATE: A costume. Preferably involving gloves.
KATE: And a cape.
SARAH And I'll just go and say MAKE A CHOICE, YOU IDIOTS
KATE: I love it.
KATE: You can be called The Decisionator
SARAH: YES I CAN
SARAH: And every hour that goes by that they don't make a choice, I break something.
KATE: I love you.
SARAH: One hour down - picture of your family gets crushed.
SARAH: 2 hours - I'm going to break the lamp.
SARAH: 3 hours (god help you) - it's going to be some little paperweight that you got in Aruba.
SARAH: I will not stop until you make a choice. Because a MONTH is unacceptable.
KATE: You could so totes rent yourself out
KATE: as The Decisionator.
KATE: Sarah does not sleep. She waits.
SARAH: Fuck yeah I wait.