You Can Check Out Any Time You Like But You Can Never Leave

SARAH: And then we ventured into Chelsea and the meatpacking district.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.

Sarah Makes Friends Online

SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.

Achilles Has a New Girlfriend...Or So He Claims.

ACHILLES: Pretty much any girl who was nice to me and threw herself on me would have succeeded.
SARAH: Men can be so picky sometimes.

Achilles Has No Hair. Sarah Is Very Sympathetic.

SARAH: Achilles and I are arguing…about why I wear makeup to work.
SARAH: I bet he’s jealous. He wants to feel like a pretty pretty princess too. SARAH: He’s jealous of my long hair.
SARAH: I should brush it next time he’s around and shout MAN THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE HAVING HAIR

And I Am So Very Proud.

SARAH: Guess what?
ACHILLES: What?
SARAH: I got a bronze medal in the Special Olympics on Saturday!
ACHILLES: Um, I knew you were tarded, but is that legal?
SARAH: I don't know if it is
SARAH: but B1 and I were a team
SARAH: and we got bronze medals.
ACHILLES: What event?
SARAH: Fishing.
SARAH: I cast the line out myself and caught it.
ACHILLES: I am impressed.
SARAH: BE IMPRESSED I DID IT AND I TOUCHED A GROSS FISH AND PUT MY FINGER IN ITS MOUTH
ACHILLES: Ew.
ACHILLES: Did you then throw it at the judges and shout, "Suck it, bassholes!"
SARAH: No. I'm not you--
SARAH: I know how to act at the Special Olympics.

Sarah Lays Down the Law, Part I

SARAH: A relationship that nobody's calling a relationship is like a cupcake without frosting. What the fuck is the point?
KATE: I know. It seems like it should work but it never will.
SARAH: He's a fucking muffin, apparently.
SARAH: I want to be a cupcake, he wants to be a muffin.
SARAH: This is a good analogy.
KATE: I like it!
SARAH: I should just shout at him "CUPCAKE OR MUFFIN, ACHILLES. CUPCAKE OR FUCKING MUFFIN."
KATE: Omg please do.
KATE: Out of nowhere.
SARAH: It's cupcake or muffin. You're with someone or you're not.
SARAH: You can be the dessert everyone craves...or a breakfast time thing possibly filled with bran
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Bran.
SARAH: That's why you don't want to be a muffin.
KATE: But the point is you should know what you want to make before you make it, no?
KATE: Like you don't start making cupcakes and decide halfway through, "oh, these are muffins."
SARAH: Yes, you have to know if you're making cupcakes or muffins before you start.
SARAH: because cupcakes and muffins are so different.
SARAH: You'[re going to piss people off if you tell them you're making cupcakes and give them muffins.
KATE: Dude, no kidding.
KATE: I'd be pissed.
SARAH: You can scrape off the frosting, but it's still there
KATE: All soggy.
SARAH: I don't know if this makes us brilliant or insane.
KATE: Definitely both.
SARAH: But it works.

Tyrannosaurus Sarah

SARAH: If I was still dating Achilles and he brought me a cupcake from the Magnolia Bakery,
SARAH: it would be a very very good night in his life
SARAH: but since i DON'T date him
SARAH: I'm just going to emotionally abuse him for a while.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
KATE: You are some kind of monster.
SARAH: a CUPCAKE-EATING, MAN-CRUSHING MONSTER
KATE: That's the one.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Crotches, Coming Summer 2009

I just called Achilles a "crotchy old man." I feel like that's accurate.

It's like the computer knows, and is changing the words to make sense. If this was a bad movie starring Nicholas Cage or Bruce Willis, the letters that the computer omits would actually be getting stored someone else, and the computer is predicting the end of the universe, and the way it is telling us is by stealing letters from insulting IMs.
 
It's going to be a box office smash and make like, 90 trillion dollars opening weekend.

Kate. We need to pitch this to someone.

You Can't Win. Just Give Up.

ACHILLES: You're Little Miss Can't-be-wrong, you know that?
ACHILLES: The Spin Doctors were talking about you.
SARAH: They were not.
SARAH: Because they don't know me.
SARAH: And Achilles, it's not that I Can't-be-wrong.
ACHILLES: HA!
SARAH: It's that you're Mr. Never-makes-f***ing-sense.

Check and Mate.

ACHILLES: You just made up and are trying to be some sort of internet celebrity.
SARAH: Honey, I already am.
SARAH: (HELLO, Best of Sarah)

Sarah in Desperate (and Not So Desperate) Times

ACHILLES: So you're saying I'm evil?
SARAH: Are you saying you're not?
ACHILLES: I asked first.
SARAH: If you eat babies, then yes, you're evil.
SARAH: Babies are for shaking, not for eating.
ACHILLES: Well, you said I ate babies.
SARAH: Because you said that I eat babies and we both know that's not true!
SARAH: Because I bet babies are like veal and I don't like veal.

KATE: The two of you together are bad news. Babies will die.
SARAH: I wouldn't eat my own baby! Jesus!
SARAH: Kate, I'm not a barbarian.
KATE: ha!
SARAH: I would only eat other people's babies.
KATE: Well, good.
SARAH: And only if they were really annoying and we were stuck on a desert island and there was no hope of rescue.
KATE: You'd do it for fun. Don't lie.


BEST OF SARAH POLL

I believe that Sarah would eat a baby.
1. Only in desperate circumstances
2. If it looked at her funny
3. Never
4. I believe she already has

Sarah, The Nice Girl

SARAH: I have to be difficult with things? You only want complicated cupcakes?
ACHILLES: Yes. Sorry.
SARAH: I don't have to make you anything AT ALL.
SARAH: I CHOOSE to make you things because I'M A NICE GIRL.
SARAH: note to self: saying you are a nice girl in shouty tones does not make you a nice girl.
KATE: Oh, come on. If it's loud it must be true.

Right in the Love Hole

SARAH: Jesus Christ, Bossy is cruising for a bruising. She's getting a punch in her face hole, and I 'm going to mean it.
KATE: Face hole, eh?
SARAH: Kind of like a love hole, but your face.
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: And you don't get punched in the love hole...unless you're dating Achilles, he decided it would be a good idea to headbutt his girlfriend. In the love hole.
SARAH: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Why do you let me speak? WHY?
KATE: Do you really think I could stop you?

Sarah and the Sweet Nothings

SARAH: Achilles' nephew is 14 and probably having sex.
KATE: Ew.
SARAH: and since I'm well...me...I asked Achilles, "How do you feel that you're twice as old as him and he's getting more ass?"
KATE: You didn't.
SARAH: I did. Because I am Satan or something.
KATE: That's the only reason I can come up with.

Sarah and the Days of the Week

SARAH: Oh, woe is Achilles. He gets sick and he's so sad. But I want to tell him to grow a pair.
SARAH: But then we'll talk about balls.
KATE: Oh, man, you're right.
SARAH: And I'm not ready for ball talk.
KATE: No.
SARAH: It's not Talk Testicles Tuesday!
SARAH: It's For F***'s Sake Friday.