It's Been A While, But She's Just As Sarah As Ever

KATE: Oh, good. Google would like to remind me that Preserved Fetal Pigs Are On Sale.
KATE: On this same website, you can order live snakes.
KATE: By mail.
KATE: BEST IDEA EVER.
SARAH: Ew ew ew live snakes by mail ew
SARAH: I will never get the mail again.
SARAH: Also, those are damn cheap fetal pigs.
KATE: I laughed very loudly when I read that.
KATE: Hey B2, I think you should go get the mail today.
KATE: And tomorrow. And every day after that. Forever.
KATE: In case, you know, live snakes.
SARAH: Dude, you don't know.
SARAH: Maybe they ship it in a brown box with no other words on it. Like it's porn.
SARAH: Except it's scary-ass snakes.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Also, I expect everything sent to me to be labeled "MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES."
SARAH: Otherwise I'm throwing it in the garbage.
SARAH: And if someone wrote MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES but there were snakes in there?
SARAH: Bitch be DEAD.

She's Back in the Game.

SARAH: Now I know why the website is okcupid and not okaycupid.
SARAH: Because adding the "ay" would be too many letters for some of these people to process.
SARAH: I am way too good for this website.
SARAH: And no, it's not lonely up here on my pedestal by myself.
SARAH: Sweet Jesus in heaven these people should not be allowed keyboards
SARAH: Or computers
SARAH: Or even a Speak and Spell.

Thank Goodness.

SARAH: French Fry Heaven is following me on Twitter.
SARAH: Happy days are here again!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back On the Internet

KATE: WHOA. My planets just collided. LiLu just reblogged BJ on Tumblr.
KATE: What is going on?
SARAH: WHAT. 
SARAH: WHAT. 
SARAH: BJ DOES NOT EXIST HE IS NOT REAL

She Tries.

SARAH: Did you see this?
SARAH: DON’T LET THE CHILDREN USE THE INTERNET.
SARAH: DON’T LET THEM USE THE CELLULAR PHONES.
SARAH: I try to find reasons to want to have kids, but every article that I read on the internet tells me that they are going to be evil, sexually active drugged out heathens.
SARAH: And that’s by the age of 2.
SARAH: So you know, internet, you’re making me think I don’t want kids.

FB, Are You Listening?

SARAH: Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are super gayyyyyyyyyyy for each other.
SARAH: It’s too bad there isn’t a relationship status on Facebook that is “Totes Gay for Each Other” because if there was, we would be that
KATE: I would rescind my policy of not having a relationship status on Facebook if that were an option.

Do Not Read This Post

SARAH: Don't read this article because it's gross.
SARAH: Just read the headline.
SARAH: Basically it tells you what to do when your arm flies out of your body.
SARAH: CNN felt like this is a topic that they should address because APPARENTLY people are losing their shit left and right

We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.

KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men. 
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle. 
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that?  Everyone wants that.  HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles.  Sexytimes.  I want such simple things. 
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it. 
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.

Sarah Rediscovers Ugly Baby

SARAH: It's just so...hideous.
SARAH: I am a bad, bad person.
KATE: Well, that is a seriously ugly baby. That's not your fault. 
KATE:...Looking for photos of it, on the other hand...well. That might be your fault.
KATE: But I appreciate it. And damn, that baby is ugly.
SARAH: I’m only half at fault.  Or a quarter at fault.
SARAH: Or some percentage.
SARAH: She shouldn’t put pictures of the ugly baby on the internet if she doesn’t want anyone to say, "DAMN THAT IS AN UGLY BABY"

Texts from Sarah

I almost just told the Comcast guy who came to the door that we don't believe in the internet.

The Domain Name Probably Isn't Taken.

SARAH: Why are all the websites for men funny, and none of the ones for women?
KATE: Well, duh, Sarah, women aren't funny.
KATE: We're just here for decoration.
SARAH: Rephrase - why are there no funny women websites?
SARAH: What the frig is that about?
SARAH: We should start one.
SARAH: (Other than Best of Sarah)
KATE: I was going to say,
KATE: we kind of have.
SARAH: We should start another one,
SARAH: called "We Can Be Funny Too, You Assholes"

Sarah's Helpful Hints

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WEBSITE?

YOU CANNOT TROUBLESHOOT YOURSELF

I'm going to troubleshoot these people in the face.

Oh my holy crap.

Demon Cat's Keyboard Debut

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Daily/Colbert - Keyboard Cat
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Last night i showed my mom Keyboard Cat. She didn't understand why it was funny, but I showed it to her. Then, after she had thrown the slippers at Ollie, I picked him up and said "Keyboard Ollie!" and flung his paws around and hummed the song. She told me I had to stop because Ollie was going to get away again and he had to go to bed.

Sometimes I am truly convinced that I live in a sitcom. There's no way this is a real life we're living.

Pooooooor BJ.

SARAH: NO, BJ. YOU IZ FAILMEATS.
KATE: HA. That is just wonderful.
SARAH: Damn it, he's not on google talk, otherwise I would call him that to his face.
KATE: Well, to his google.