Storm Season's A-Comin'.

SARAH: Apparently on Saturday I drunkenly (and correctly) told New Manfriend that his pretty perfect friend is one of those girls that I really don’t like.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.

We Don't Just Coin Phrases. We Dollar Buck Them.

SARAH: The last email from New Guy told me that people in the room next to his are being very shouty and he wants to shank them.
SARAH: #duhwinning
SARAH: #sarahandkatecontrolthelexicon
SARAH: #DUHWINNINGAGAIN
KATE: Wow. And have you introduced him yet to kissyfaces?
SARAH: I haven't told him about kissyfaces. I need to ease him into this shit. SARAH: Although he’s doing pretty well with all the nonsense.
SARAH: Probably because he understands that I’m just about the greatest person that has ever existed and for that reason, I can do no wrong.
SARAH: No, I don’t have a self esteem problem, why do you ask?

Sarah Has Some Opinions About Things

SARAH: If you want to be a vegan, you shouldn’t be able to exist. End of freakin’ story.
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS

The Second Rule of Best of Sarah

SARAH: You know, I write you dumb things.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.

She Blinded Me with {A Beaker Full of Acid}

SARAH: Maybe I should be a scientist.
KATE: It's not too late to change careers.
KATE: Just order a lab coat on eBay and BAM you're a scientist.
SARAH: I already have the glasses.
SARAH: And I’m really good at shouting SCIENCE!
SARAH: I bet that’s a test you have to take to be a scientist.
SARAH: Can you shout it?
SARAH: You’re in.

The Shouty Menagerie

KATE THEY FOUND A BOA CONSTRICTOR ON THE T IN BOSTON THERE IS NOTHING SAFE ANYMORE. NOT EVEN TRAINS.

SNAKES ON TRAINS! ELEPHANTS ON A BOX TRUCK!

I'd Say That's Awkward.

SARAH: Things that are awkward: listening to Boss Lady argue with her husband about how he should stop smoking.
SARAH: She keeps on whisper-shouting, “I HAD COMPASSION FOR YOU BEFORE”
SARAH: Awkward turtle.
SARAH: She just hung up on him.
SARAH: Man, I am not jealous to not live in that house.

Sarah Has a Short Fuse

My parents keep on saying that they are going to Vermont this weekend. And then they say that they aren’t. then they are. Then they aren’t. YOU GUYS. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MINDS I AM TRYING TO MAKE PLANS HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

Sarah is Good at Threats

FLAKY CAT LADY YOU SHOULD BE GLAD IT IS THE END OF THE DAY OR I WOULD END YOUR LIFE STOP FUCKING COUGHING JESUS MARY AND DUMBLEDORE

Introducing: Flaky Cat Lady (Sarah Hates All Her Coworkers)

Where the hell is Ollie’s time machine? I need it to make this day over SHUT UP FLAKY CAT LADY

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND FULL OF VODKA, FLAKY CAT LADY, PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH

Introducing: Flour Face.

Flour Face is all ilke, “MY DAD HAS A GARDEN. MY DAD HAS APPLE TREES. MY DAD GROWS FRUIT.”

Fine. See if I bring you fuckers any fruit. You’ve lost your fruit privileges. I’m going to eat all the blueberries without you. I’m going to bring in a dozen blueberry muffins and eat them all myself. Whorebags.

And I’m going to shout ‘OH MAN, THESE MUFFINS ARE AMAZING. I WISH I HAD SOME FRIENDS TO SHARE THESE MUFFINS WITH”

Then I’ll sing the Jack Johnson sharing song about how it’s always more fun to share with everyone except I’ll change the words to “I WON’T SHARE WITH EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BITCHES BUT THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE, THEY JUST CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY”

That might be too long though.

...Also, I just drooled all over my hand and I’m not sure how that happened. My mouth wasn’t even open, I don’t think.

Sarah May Need a New Hobby

SARAH: I'm reading Best of Sarah and laughing my face off.
KATE: That's what it's for.
KATE: Well, for other people too.
SARAH: I'm reading about Dave paying the Chipmunks in nuts and how nuts were cheap.
SARAH: I cannot even take my own life.
KATE: You were so sure about it, too.
SARAH: Well, if we're talking walnuts, totes.
SARAH: it's not like we're talking something expensive.
KATE: WE'RE TALKING WALNUTS?
KATE: I always wanted to be one of those.
SARAH: A talking walnut? Or an expensive nut?
KATE: A talking walnut.
SARAH: Because I'd say you ARE quite an expensive nut.
KATE: Is today over?
SARAH: Yes?
SARAH: AND THERE WILL BE VODKA WHEN YOU GET HERE
KATE: OH GOOD
SARAH: I KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO
KATE: Now we're shouting walnuts.
SARAH: Everyone shouts sometimes.
SARAH: I wish I could show the whole world Best of Sarah.
KATE: Well, it's on the internet.
KATE: You pretty much can.
SARAH: OOOK YOU ALL LOVE ME NOW LONG TIME
SARAH: I think showing some people Best of Sarah would prevent me from you know, gettng a job or a loving relationship or getting a loan or basically having a life with other people that aren't you or Pam or Karen.
KATE: This is true.
SARAH: BUY ME STEAK. LOVE ME.
SARAH: That's what Best of Sarah says.
SARAH: It also says I THINK YOU ALL ARE FUCKERS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SET YOU ON FIRE BUY ME VODKA
KATE: It says all of those things. You have a lot to say.
SARAH: And you retransmit it to the rest of the universe.
KATE: It's nice to share.
SARAH: Not herpes though.
SARAH: Thank you folks, i'll be here FOREVER.

We've Been Good, But We Can't Last

SARAH: You know, I'm starting to think that Dave from the Chipmunks has a rage problem.
KATE: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my day is over.
SARAH: Check this out.
KATE: Sarah, if you ever do this please drive away before the cops arrive.
SARAH: Is it bad that I can see why this would be a logical response to there not being chicken nuggets?
SARAH: Because I can.
KATE: I knew you would.
SARAH: Dude, when you want nuggets, you want fucking nuggets.
SARAH: You better have some goddamn nuggets, bitches.
KATE: Oh dear.
KATE: I mean, okay, when you need nuggets you need nuggets.
KATE: But I can hardly reach the pickup window as it is.
KATE: So I couldn't really do that anyway.
SARAH: Well, I can.
KATE: Sometimes I have to open my door and get out.
SARAH: Adorable.
SARAH: But back to Dave and his problems.
KATE: Oh, yes. You were saying?
SARAH: I bet he smacks those chipmunks around. Which is silly because he could just lock them out of the house and then they would die because I am SURE they have no idea how to fend for themselves.
SARAH: And how did he end up with talking chipmunks anyway?
SARAH: And WHY do they wear shirts?
KATE: I just squeaked.
KATE: i'm helpless.
KATE: I'm crying.
SARAH: That's just what Dave wants when he shouts.
SARAH: Fucking Dave.
SARAH: He's a real asshole.
SARAH: Chipmunk Protective Services should be called in to do...whatever it is they do.
KATE: He seems like he'd fit in with your family.
SARAH: I bet you dave is taking a HUGE cut from the chipmunk piggy bank
SARAH: Because they are chipmunks and don't understand money.
SARAH: They understand nuts. And let me tell you, nuts are cheap.

Sarah is Everyone's Favorite Neighbor

SARAH: There's now lots of children shouting and running outside.
SARAH: Not sure why that's going on.
SARAH: WHY ARE THERE CHILDREN?
SARAH: They sound so joyful.
KATE: GO TO SCHOOL, CHILDREN.
SARAH: SRSLY. GO, AND STOP RUNNING.
SARAH: I WILL COME OUT THERE AND BEAT YOU WITH GARBAGE.
KATE: Please please do.
SARAH: Stand still, child. I would like to beat you. With our garbage.

Sarah's Adventures in Shopping

SARAH: Costco just called to tell me my contact lenses are in.
SARAH: Those bitches.
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE, YOU FUCKERS
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME A WEEK WHEN IT'S A DAY AND A HALF
SARAH: They probably had them and were hiding them on purpose just to burn my biscuits
KATE: snerk
KATE: And does that really frost your butt?
SARAH: IT FROSTS MY BUTT
SARAH: AND GRINDS MY GEARS
SARAH: AND RAINS ON MY PARADE
SARAH: AND THERE'S A BEE IN MY BONNET AND A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
SARAH: OTHER OLD TIMEY PHRASES
KATE: You are too much.
SARAH: Don't act surprised.

Don't Fix It if It Ain't Broken, Folks

SARAH: Excuse me
KATE: Yes?
SARAH: but what the fuck is THIS shit?
KATE: Sacrilege. That's what that is.
SARAH: UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE
SARAH: I just made up a word to tell you how horrible it is.
SARAH: I mean, people say that all the time
SARAH: but not all smashed together.
SARAH: MY ANGER SMASHES THINGS
KATE: It's bon mot, too. Exactly the right word.
KATE: Maybe you should put on the tiny shirt
KATE: So you can go hulk.
SARAH: Oh, I am so peeved right now.
SARAH: And then everyone is going to prance into B&N and act like this is the first Winnie the Pooh book ever
KATE: ugh
SARAH:"You know, the one with the otter?"
KATE: No, they'll call it a beaver
SARAH: and I would say "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THE OTTER TOO"
KATE: Or like an elephant
SARAH: Or a badger
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: They will call it a fucking badger
KATE: They don't know what badgers are.
SARAH: ARGH "Eeyore would have a more proactive role than in the originals...and Christopher Robin would return."
SARAH: NO
KATE: WHAT?
KATE: NO.
KATE: EEYORE IS PASSIVE.
SARAH: The reason eeyore is awesome is because he's such an asshole
SARAH: and hates EVERYTHING
SARAH: ARG
SARAH: SARAH SMASH ENGLAND
KATE: omg please do.
KATE: You will be Europe's Godzilla.
SARAH: YES
SARAH: I hope so.
SARAH: Fucking commies in England
SARAH: bastardizing Winnie the Pooh
KATE: Otter commies.
SARAH: I'm coming for you fuckers.
SARAH: Badger nazis!
KATE: That's what they are.

Sarah, Happy Homemaker

I found a recipe for baked ziti. All these people commented on the recipe saying that they are going to layer the ziti with the cheese mixture and the sauce and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, IDIOT PEOPLE? LASAGNA. YOU HAVE MADE LASAGNA. To mix all of it together is baked ziti. Fucking IDIOTS.

Sarah Loves Children

SARAH: OH MY GOD
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY

Sarah Loves Our Neighborhood

SARAH: HOLY HELL, GET YOUR KID OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU IDIOT.
SARAH: Srsly, you know what time your kid gets home...be there. otherwise the bus goes careening around the neighborhood and the fucking bus driver just leans on the horn for 5 minutes...
SARAH: I AM TRYING TO BE FUNEMPLOYED IN PEACE OVER HERE, ASSHATS
SARAH: I would say I'm done, but we both know I'm not.
KATE: No, of course not.

We're Not Dead! But We Might Be Soon!, or, Sarah Has Lyme Disease

SARAH: THANKS FUCKING DEER TICKS I WILL KILL YOU ALL
KATE: That would be good if you could do that
SARAH: I wish I knew how.
KATE: I wish we had saved that tick
KATE: So I could light it on fire again
SARAH: But you already lit it on fire once
KATE: I know, but now that you definitely have Lyme I want to do it again.
SARAH: FUCKING LYME