Everybody Wants a Piece of the Unicorn Action.

SARAH: THAT IS COPYRIGHT INFRINGMENT.
SARAH: THOSE BITCHES.
SARAH: BITCH PIGEONS, ALL OF THEM.

The Pits of Freedom Saga: The Second Solution, Continued

SARAH: SWEET DUMBLEDORE ARMPITS, WHY?
SARAH: WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? STOP BURNING
SARAH: If this wasn't burny, it would be fucking hysterical.
SARAH: I don't know what sort of naplam shit I put in my armpits, but it had better be doing sometihng magical in there.
SARAH: Fucking Unicorn Juice or something.
KATE: Unicorn Juice would NEVER do this to you.
SARAH: It's even better than Unicorn Juice
SARAH: It's unicorn tears
SARAH: Angry, hateful tears
SARAH: Which is why they burn.
KATE: I see. That makes sense.

A few minutes pass.

SARAH: Oh...I just smacked myself in the armpit.
SARAH: That kind of felt good.
KATE: Do not start hitting yourself.
KATE: That is not medicine.
KATE: Do you hear me?
SARAH: But it makes it better.
SARAH: It makes the burny stop.
SARAH: It's not hard.
SARAH: Just a light slap in the armpit.
SARAH: God, what is wrong with me?
SARAH: What has happened?!
KATE: The prescription for your problem has happened.
SARAH: FUCKING GLANDS
SARAH: TURNED ME INTO A SAVAGE
KATE: I feel a Dethklok song coming on.
KATE: DethGlands
KATE: Or Pit of Fury.

The International Economy is Not Prepared for Us

KATE: I'm going to buy you a present.
KATE: It's a pile of string.
KATE: Etsy is such a disaster sometimes.
SARAH: We should have an Etsy shop!
SARAH: We’d have to get some sort of video of us doing our singing and dancing and you know, jigging routine to prove that yes, the Unicorn Juice works wonders.
SARAH: And can help you sing and dance and jig.
SARAH: We should get B1 to pitch it. He would do a good job. 
SARAH: I mean, in case they don’t believe that it’s a miracle.
SARAH: Also, we’d have to hit the other people with sticks and when they hurt, we’d give them some Unicorn Juice. 
SARAH: That way, they would know that it’s real Unicorn Juice and not imitation Unicorn Juice.
KATE: Yes. Genius. Genius on all counts.

Snake Oil is for Amateurs

KATE: I'm having an awful day.
KATE: And I'm covered in hives.
STARSHINE: Drink some water!
SARAH: Starshine knows what’s up. 
SARAH: And that is: drink all the water and then you can cure all your pains.
SARAH: We should sell bottled water as a miracle cure. 
SARAH: I bet it would work, too. We could be traveling medicine ladies and we could both tell everyone how water has fixed us. 
SARAH: Well, maybe you shouldn’t talk now because you have hives. 
SARAH: But I could say that water healed me.
KATE: Genius. It can be the Starshine-Sarah-Kate traveling medicine show.
KATE: With a soundtrack by the Full-Out Criers.
SARAH: We are going to make like, a million dollars.
SARAH: Can we travel around in a wagon with panels that come down when you pull on a rope? I feel that is only appropriate.
KATE: Absolutely. And we need top hats, and sticks, because you can't have a medicine show without gesturing and hitting things with your walking stick.
KATE: What'll we call it?
SARAH: I don’t know. We will figure it out. We need to make a website like, stat.
SARAH: And maybe if we’re REALLY good, we can have an infomercial where I can just say “BUY THIS MIRACLE WATER IT WILL CURE EVERYTHING INCLUDING PREGNANCY I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK”
SARAH: Hmm…what should we call the magical miracle water?
KATE: Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: YES ABSOLUTELY YES
KATE: Unicorn Juice. Coming soon to a fairground and/or Target parking lot near you.

I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

SARAH: Borat knows about Best of Sarah but I haven’t sent him the link.  It’s a little...much.
SARAH: Also, all I talk about is drinking, steak and sexy times. 
SARAH: I don’t think that really is all I’m about. 
SARAH: I also like cupcakes. 
SARAH: And glitter. 
SARAH: And goddamn unicorns.
SARAH: And did I mention you?  I LOVE YOU TOTES GAY OVER HERE

I'm Pretty Sure He Doesn't Mind

SARAH: Just started tweaking. What the hell is my problem? 
SARAH: SELF. GET A GRIP. DON’T BE A WEIRDO.
SARAH: That didn’t seem to work. 
SARAH: I apologize to the baby jesus for my inability to be a normal human. 
SARAH: Or a unicorn. 
SARAH: Or a cupcake, for that matter.

Because Unicorns...Well. They Make Cupcakes. With Their Butts.

SARAH: Kate, we are so gay that I am very surprised that rainbows don’t follow in our wake.
KATE: Me too. But we aren't unicorns.
KATE: At least I'm not. 
SARAH: You don’t shit cupcakes? 
SARAH: Cause if you did shit cupcakes and you didn’t tell me, our soupsnakery would be over.
SARAH: D-U-N.
KATE: I don't, I don't.
SARAH: Welcome to Shit Sarah Says on Fridays – Birthday Edition.
SARAH: OMG IT IS MY BIRTHDAY

Introducing: Borat

Borat sent me a text message last night telling me that he hoped I dreamed of unicorns. Man. I wish I dreamed of unicorns. That would be friggin’ awesome.

See Also: Duck Farts.

SARAH: I just thought of this one:
SARAH: Unicorns fart glitter, right?
SARAH: So if you were going to have to have a shot called a Unicorn Fart,
SARAH: you have to have vanilla vodka, glitter
SARAH: and a tad bit of cranberry juice
SARAH: because I would imagine unicorn farts are pink and glittery.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Hardly.
SARAH: But I have been giggling to myself
SARAH: about animal flatulence.
KATE: That's really what's important.