The Summer When Dreams Come True (A Letter from Sarah)

Dearest, Most Lovely Starshine,

I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.

And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.

WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.

It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.


Love,
Sarah

Sarah Needs More Vodka If She's Going to Have to Deal With You (An Open Letter)

Dear boys,

Please read this. Please learn. You make me tired.
 
Love,
Sarah

Sarah Empathizes

Dear Flaky Cat Lady,

No one cares that you are too poor to have a dryer or that all your towels are now wet or that your shower tomorrow might not happen. That is a gross overshare. And no one cares. Especially me. I don’t care the most.

Kate Went on Vacation.

Dear Dublin -

If you do not return Kates to me promptly, I'm going to come over to Ireland and take her back. Do you know why? BECAUSE SHE IS MY SOUPSNAKE AND I WILL NOT SHARE HER. Unless you find someone else for me to have in my life constantly. You know how when a dog takes a toy it's not supposed to have and then you have to bribe it with something else to get the thing that you want back? That's what you're going to have to do.

Wow, worst analogy ever.

Love,
Sarah

Don't Be That Cat

This morning, Ollie was sitting on my lap and I was petting him and he was purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring and then he would bite me and then he would purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr some more and then he would bite me again. Ollie, there are reasons no one loves you. We've figured them out.

Dear Kate's Stomach:

Don't be an asshole like Ollie. I mean, it isn't possible for your stomach to ACTUALLY be an asshole, mostly because they are in different places.

XO
Sarah

Sarah Reads the Classifieds

WHY ARE YOU SELLING A SPECIAL OLYMPICS SHIRT AND HAT FROM THE 1995 GAMES?  WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?  WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO BUY THAT?  YOU KEEP THAT SHIT, WEIRDO

An Open Letter to Lettuce

Dear Lettuce,
Sometimes when I put on you my veggie burger that I have for lunch, I have extra. So I pick it up and eat it...You really need to work on tasting better. You're always so good when you have dressing on you, but without dressing, you're crap. Just wanted to let you know.

XO,
Sarah

Wednesday Was a Very Long Day

PEOPLE
  
PEOPLE ON THE PHONE. If someone doesn't answer their phone...LEAVE THEM A MESSAGE.

Dear Everyone:
Go f*** yourselves.
  
Love,
Me

Kate, kill this guy. And kill me.
  
No, kill me. Kill me twice.
  
PEOPLE
  
LEAVE VOICEMAILS
  
THAT IS THE POINT OF F***ING VOICEMAIL
  
YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE AND PEOPLE CALL YOU BACK AND WHY DOES MY DESK SMELL LIKE MAPLE SYRUP I AM GOING TO KILL EVERYONE