Sarah's Family Has a New Dog

SARAH: My mom, to Duke this morning: “We’re going to chop your gonads off at 6 months. To the day. YES WE ARE”
SARAH: My mom was very excited to tell Duke he would not have balls anymore.

I Also Have a Doctorate in Buttcracks.

SARAH: Thanks, MSN.
SARAH: It's ball science.
KATE: I'm not sure what it says about me, but you are not the first one of my friends to send me this.
SARAH: Apparently we know you have a thing for ball science.
SARAH: Weirdo.
KATE: I do not have a thing for "ball science," thank you very much.
KATE: I have a thing for science in general.
KATE: It's not my fault you people fixate on balls.
SARAH: It’s totes ball science.
SARAH: My Friend Kate, Ball Scientist.
SARAH: That has a nice ring to it

Morning Has Broken

SARAH: At the Starbucks. There is a guy here wearing Ugg boots.
SARAH: I don't know why I'm surprised
SARAH: It's not even hip. It's just fucking weird.
SARAH: Wear real shoes, asshole.
SARAH: Find your shoes and wear boots like a man.
KATE: Maybe his balls went to Nashville too.
SARAH: Is that the ball capital of the United States?
KATE: It just might be.
SARAH: I don't want to go there anymore.

Terminal Fun, Part Deux

SARAH: The flight is supposed to leave in 10 minutes.
SARAH: We still haven't boarded.
SARAH: What is going on? My antsy pants are getting worse.
KATE: Bitch, be cool.
KATE: Just think: there is some guy in the airport with no testicles.
SARAH: He's in the air with no testicles now.
SARAH: He and his balls went to Nashville.

Sarah Goes to the Airport, or, Terminal Fun

SARAH: There's a girl here wearing fur-lined boots and a skirt.
SARAH:  She feels that equals pants.
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: And she's either going to Toronto or Nashville.
SARAH: Either way, she is dressed inappropriately.
SARAH: And she spent 15 minutes putting on makeup.
SARAH: Using her boyfriend's leg as a table.
SARAH: I hope he checked his balls with his luggage
SARAH:Because otherwise, he might need to buy a pair at the duty-free.
SARAH: Today is going to be one of those days.

Sarah Has Some Feelings

SARAH: That baby wants to punch the economy in the face.
SARAH: I want to punch 2009 in the balls.

Sometimes I Just Wish She'd Say What She Meant

SARAH: I try to wrap my brain around WoW and I can't.
KATE: Me neither, dude.
KATE: It looks super tedious.
KATE: What *is* the appeal?
SARAH: The time where you decide that you would rather play a video game than HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE is the time you need to have your balls chopped off
SARAH: because clearly you won't ever use them again.
KATE: Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Sarah.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you.

Sarah and the Days of the Week

SARAH: Oh, woe is Achilles. He gets sick and he's so sad. But I want to tell him to grow a pair.
SARAH: But then we'll talk about balls.
KATE: Oh, man, you're right.
SARAH: And I'm not ready for ball talk.
KATE: No.
SARAH: It's not Talk Testicles Tuesday!
SARAH: It's For F***'s Sake Friday.

Life Lessons

Okay, so last year at bocce, my aunt and I started what we called "life lessons."

Okay, well, the first life lesson is "be aware of the balls around you," which is a bocce lesson and a life lesson, really. I mean, balls: watch out.

The second life lesson was "if it tastes bad, spit it out."