SARAH: Starshine just called someone a shittrumpet.
SARAH: I cannot handle my life
Showing posts with label easily amused. Show all posts
Showing posts with label easily amused. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Second Rule of Best of Sarah
SARAH: You know, I write you dumb things.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.
SARAH: And I have the ability to delete them, and sound like I’m sort of not an idiot.
SARAH: But I don't – I apparently like sounding like an idiot.
KATE: It's true. You share your thoughts.
KATE: Which is just one more reason to believe you're a shouty, drunken figment of my imagination.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Last Year We Had a Pet Fish Named Chuck Norris. Sarah Killed Him.
SARAH: Just told 21 about Chuck Norris the betta fish.
SARAH: I haven't told him how he died yet.
SARAH: How did Chuck Norris die?
SARAH: OH, I JUST LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN AND HE FROZE TO DEATH AND GOT ALL BLOATED AND I MADE KATE FLUSH HIM
KATE: Poor Chuck Norris. We should have known he would be no match for you.
SARAH: That’s right. I have bested Chuck Norris.
SARAH: Some might argue that the weather did, but we know that I feed Pudge the Fish.
SARAH: And he controls the weather.
SARAH: So I, in fact, used the weather CONTROLLED BY A FISH, to kill Chuck Norris, WHO IS A PERSON AND A FISH.
SARAH: BOOM. ROASTED
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The International Economy is Not Prepared for Us
KATE: I'm going to buy you a present.
KATE: It's a pile of string.
KATE: Etsy is such a disaster sometimes.
SARAH: We should have an Etsy shop!
SARAH: We’d have to get some sort of video of us doing our singing and dancing and you know, jigging routine to prove that yes, the Unicorn Juice works wonders.
SARAH: And can help you sing and dance and jig.
SARAH: We should get B1 to pitch it. He would do a good job.
SARAH: I mean, in case they don’t believe that it’s a miracle.
SARAH: Also, we’d have to hit the other people with sticks and when they hurt, we’d give them some Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: That way, they would know that it’s real Unicorn Juice and not imitation Unicorn Juice.
KATE: Yes. Genius. Genius on all counts.
KATE: It's a pile of string.
KATE: Etsy is such a disaster sometimes.
SARAH: We should have an Etsy shop!
SARAH: We’d have to get some sort of video of us doing our singing and dancing and you know, jigging routine to prove that yes, the Unicorn Juice works wonders.
SARAH: And can help you sing and dance and jig.
SARAH: We should get B1 to pitch it. He would do a good job.
SARAH: I mean, in case they don’t believe that it’s a miracle.
SARAH: Also, we’d have to hit the other people with sticks and when they hurt, we’d give them some Unicorn Juice.
SARAH: That way, they would know that it’s real Unicorn Juice and not imitation Unicorn Juice.
KATE: Yes. Genius. Genius on all counts.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Hope You Got a Gift Receipt, or, Kate Doesn't Like Whales
KATE: Proofing a stupid brochure about humpback whales.
KATE: Stupid whales.
SARAH: Does everyone get one?
SARAH: Because I think they all should.
KATE: EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE!
KATE: And I'm so returning mine.
SARAH: Dude, maybe you could ride it places.
SARAH: Like you could ride it to London.
SARAH: Or maybe just outside of London.
SARAH: All you have to do is train the whale.
KATE: No. You know what I can ride to London? An airplane.
KATE: I am exchanging my whale for an airplane, bcause whales are just awful.
KATE: And airplanes, well, they're not great, but they're not too bad.
KATE: Though it would be pretty bad-ass to show up in Europe on the back of a whale.
KATE: No. Can't do it. They suck.
SARAH: But it would be so much cheaper to take the whale.
SARAH: All you would need is a wetsuit. And some sort of whale saddle.
KATE: No. N.O. I'm not doing it. I don't care.
KATE: I will save up and get a plane ticket and leave my whale in the garage.
SARAH: I don’t think the whale will fit in your garage.
SARAH: Unless you have an ocean in there.
SARAH: And if you do, that’s kind of amazing and you should probably tell someone about that.
SARAH: Also, I didn’t even know you HAD a garage.
SARAH: Thirdly – Hagrid’s buttcrack.
KATE: Stupid whales.
SARAH: Does everyone get one?
SARAH: Because I think they all should.
KATE: EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE!
KATE: And I'm so returning mine.
SARAH: Dude, maybe you could ride it places.
SARAH: Like you could ride it to London.
SARAH: Or maybe just outside of London.
SARAH: All you have to do is train the whale.
KATE: No. You know what I can ride to London? An airplane.
KATE: I am exchanging my whale for an airplane, bcause whales are just awful.
KATE: And airplanes, well, they're not great, but they're not too bad.
KATE: Though it would be pretty bad-ass to show up in Europe on the back of a whale.
KATE: No. Can't do it. They suck.
SARAH: But it would be so much cheaper to take the whale.
SARAH: All you would need is a wetsuit. And some sort of whale saddle.
KATE: No. N.O. I'm not doing it. I don't care.
KATE: I will save up and get a plane ticket and leave my whale in the garage.
SARAH: I don’t think the whale will fit in your garage.
SARAH: Unless you have an ocean in there.
SARAH: And if you do, that’s kind of amazing and you should probably tell someone about that.
SARAH: Also, I didn’t even know you HAD a garage.
SARAH: Thirdly – Hagrid’s buttcrack.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Meaning of Meaning
SARAH: We are the most thrilling girls that I know.
SARAH: Totally and absolutely.
SARAH: OMG ALMOST POPCORN TIME DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!?!?!
SARAH: Its almost popcorn time. That’s what it means.
SARAH: Totally and absolutely.
SARAH: OMG ALMOST POPCORN TIME DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!?!?!
SARAH: Its almost popcorn time. That’s what it means.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sarah Takes A Practical Approach to Pets
SARAH:The adorable dog that I love from the shelter has an application in. I want it to not be that way – but I can’t possibly take her home.
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds.
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her.
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate. She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME. She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine. Also, chicken butt.
SARAH: Also, it costs $200 to take a dog home. That dog weighs 12 pounds.
SARAH: I’d be paying $16/pound to adopt her.
SARAH: I don’t even pay that much for meat like…ever.
KATE: Sarah, you are kind of my reason for living.
SARAH: Kate, this dog is 12 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.
KATE: No, it's 12 pounds of awesome (or more, of course) in a 12-pound bag.
SARAH: No, Kate. She is JAMMED FULL OF AWESOME. She has twice as much awesome as your daily requirement per pound.
SARAH: This awesome is NOT free.
KATE: Ok. Then she's 24 pounds of awesome. But it's still a 12-pound bag. Right?
KATE: The dog weighs 12 pounds. Hence the bag is 12 pounds. You can't make that smaller.
KATE: I will believe she contains 100 pounds of awesome but she is still a 12 pound dogbag.
KATE: We are really having this conversation.
SARAH: Best of Sarah – the Monday edition when neither of us has had enough caffeine. Also, chicken butt.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Taxonomy 101 With Kate and Sarah
SARAH: I just ate about 4 pounds of melon, so I should be good for a while.
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.
SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening.
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot.
SARAH: Peepot. YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.
SARAH:Until I turn into a melon. Then I will be sad.
KATE: What, like this? No offense, but if you turned into a melon that would give me great joy. At least for the first few minutes. And then I would be very, very, very sad.
SARAH: If I turned into a melon, I wouldn’t fit into my pants at all.
SARAH: Imagine a life when you are a pee-filled teapot and I’m a melon that can’t wear pants. IMAGINE THAT LIFE.
KATE: I can imagine that. You know why? Because it's already happening.
KATE: Seriously, I am so filled with water right now that I am expanding beyond my pants.
SARAH:Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you drink so much water that you have a giant water bubble in your stomach and someone needs to give you like, some sort of Heimlich maneuver to get that shit out.
KATE: I guess that's possible. But I can't be filled with water all the time. Part of that is just teapot.
SARAH: Peepot. YOU ARE A PEEPOT.
SARAH: I am the funniest person I have ever known in my entire life ever in the history of the world.
Sometimes Kate Hates Things Too
SARAH: (looking at a friend's wedding photos) I really love that dress. That’s the sort of dress that I think I want. Except I would look like a cow and not as delicate as she does.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.
KATE: You really have to be toothpick-thin to pull off a dress like that. I'd look like a cow in that dress, and while I may be puffing up I am not a cow in any way. So. Some dresses are just off limits to human women.
SARAH: Well, I am a cow. Even a precise one. Mooooooooooooo I say. Moooooooooooooooooooo.
KATE: You are not a cow. Stop mooing. The day is flying by. Be grateful. And stop mooing. And don't even think about replacing those moos with bleeps and bloops. I heard Owl City Saturday while I was driving around in a horrible mood yesterday and when he said "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes" I nearly disconnected the radio and threw it through the windshield. Listen, you dumb shit. Nobody likes goodbyes. You're not special. You're just an asshole who likes to kill harmless insects. Get a job.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Like Your Mother Didn't Know.
I should go to the post office tomorrow during lunch. We need to remember to make out checks for April rent. I will do that tonight when I get back to the house. Look at me, doing stuff. Doing stuff...in the future.
In the future, no one wears pants.
In the future, no one wears pants.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
We've Been Good, But We Can't Last
SARAH: You know, I'm starting to think that Dave from the Chipmunks has a rage problem.
KATE: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my day is over.
SARAH: Check this out.
KATE: Sarah, if you ever do this please drive away before the cops arrive.
SARAH: Is it bad that I can see why this would be a logical response to there not being chicken nuggets?
SARAH: Because I can.
KATE: I knew you would.
SARAH: Dude, when you want nuggets, you want fucking nuggets.
SARAH: You better have some goddamn nuggets, bitches.
KATE: Oh dear.
KATE: I mean, okay, when you need nuggets you need nuggets.
KATE: But I can hardly reach the pickup window as it is.
KATE: So I couldn't really do that anyway.
SARAH: Well, I can.
KATE: Sometimes I have to open my door and get out.
SARAH: Adorable.
SARAH: But back to Dave and his problems.
KATE: Oh, yes. You were saying?
SARAH: I bet he smacks those chipmunks around. Which is silly because he could just lock them out of the house and then they would die because I am SURE they have no idea how to fend for themselves.
SARAH: And how did he end up with talking chipmunks anyway?
SARAH: And WHY do they wear shirts?
KATE: I just squeaked.
KATE: i'm helpless.
KATE: I'm crying.
SARAH: That's just what Dave wants when he shouts.
SARAH: Fucking Dave.
SARAH: He's a real asshole.
SARAH: Chipmunk Protective Services should be called in to do...whatever it is they do.
KATE: He seems like he'd fit in with your family.
SARAH: I bet you dave is taking a HUGE cut from the chipmunk piggy bank
SARAH: Because they are chipmunks and don't understand money.
SARAH: They understand nuts. And let me tell you, nuts are cheap.
KATE: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my day is over.
SARAH: Check this out.
KATE: Sarah, if you ever do this please drive away before the cops arrive.
SARAH: Is it bad that I can see why this would be a logical response to there not being chicken nuggets?
SARAH: Because I can.
KATE: I knew you would.
SARAH: Dude, when you want nuggets, you want fucking nuggets.
SARAH: You better have some goddamn nuggets, bitches.
KATE: Oh dear.
KATE: I mean, okay, when you need nuggets you need nuggets.
KATE: But I can hardly reach the pickup window as it is.
KATE: So I couldn't really do that anyway.
SARAH: Well, I can.
KATE: Sometimes I have to open my door and get out.
SARAH: Adorable.
SARAH: But back to Dave and his problems.
KATE: Oh, yes. You were saying?
SARAH: I bet he smacks those chipmunks around. Which is silly because he could just lock them out of the house and then they would die because I am SURE they have no idea how to fend for themselves.
SARAH: And how did he end up with talking chipmunks anyway?
SARAH: And WHY do they wear shirts?
KATE: I just squeaked.
KATE: i'm helpless.
KATE: I'm crying.
SARAH: That's just what Dave wants when he shouts.
SARAH: Fucking Dave.
SARAH: He's a real asshole.
SARAH: Chipmunk Protective Services should be called in to do...whatever it is they do.
KATE: He seems like he'd fit in with your family.
SARAH: I bet you dave is taking a HUGE cut from the chipmunk piggy bank
SARAH: Because they are chipmunks and don't understand money.
SARAH: They understand nuts. And let me tell you, nuts are cheap.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Sarah Follows the News
SARAH: People.com says that Tiger Woods' mistress didn't know that he had a wife.
SARAH: He is Tiger Woods. Everyone knows he has a wife.
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: Next she is going to say that she didn't know he played golf.
SARAH: He is Tiger Woods. Everyone knows he has a wife.
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: Next she is going to say that she didn't know he played golf.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Call Up the Team
SARAH: You know how there's that urban myth that cows can't go down stairs?
KATE: Yes.
SARAH: I am about to prove that cows can in fact go down stairs.
SARAH: Bring Mythbusters in.
KATE: Hahaha you are not a cow.
SARAH: Call Mythbusters! I've done it again!
KATE: You're ridiculous.
SARAH: Happens.
KATE: Yes.
SARAH: I am about to prove that cows can in fact go down stairs.
SARAH: Bring Mythbusters in.
KATE: Hahaha you are not a cow.
SARAH: Call Mythbusters! I've done it again!
KATE: You're ridiculous.
SARAH: Happens.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sarah's Laws of Matter
SARAH: We are all kinds of broken.
KATE: We are.
SARAH: Maybe next Halloween we should go as healthy people.
KATE: We'd never pass.
SARAH: It's only for one day. We might be able to pull it off.
SARAH: Fact- I am bouncing around my room singing Ingrid Michaelson.
KATE: Fact: I was bouncing at my desk doing that when you said that.
SARAH: Fact - GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
KATE: gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
SARAH: I love us.
KATE: I do too.
SARAH: We are the best thing to ever happen to the universe
SARAH: Ever.
SARAH: Fuck the Big Bang, there was jack shit nothing before Sarah and Kate.
SARAH: I'm dancing around with Halloween socks and my Monarch sweatshirt on.
SARAH: Maybe I can get creative and make new words to "I'm On a Boat."
SARAH: That includes the phrase
SARAH: FUCK THE UNIVERSE, IT'S KATE AND SARAH, MOTHERFUCKER
SARAH: FUCK THE MILKY WAY, IT'S CUPCAKE LAND, MOTHERFUCKER˙
KATE: We are.
SARAH: Maybe next Halloween we should go as healthy people.
KATE: We'd never pass.
SARAH: It's only for one day. We might be able to pull it off.
SARAH: Fact- I am bouncing around my room singing Ingrid Michaelson.
KATE: Fact: I was bouncing at my desk doing that when you said that.
SARAH: Fact - GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
KATE: gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
SARAH: I love us.
KATE: I do too.
SARAH: We are the best thing to ever happen to the universe
SARAH: Ever.
SARAH: Fuck the Big Bang, there was jack shit nothing before Sarah and Kate.
SARAH: I'm dancing around with Halloween socks and my Monarch sweatshirt on.
SARAH: Maybe I can get creative and make new words to "I'm On a Boat."
SARAH: That includes the phrase
SARAH: FUCK THE UNIVERSE, IT'S KATE AND SARAH, MOTHERFUCKER
SARAH: FUCK THE MILKY WAY, IT'S CUPCAKE LAND, MOTHERFUCKER˙
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Texts from Sarah
I almost just told the Comcast guy who came to the door that we don't believe in the internet.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sarah Loves Children
SARAH: OH MY GOD
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY
Monday, July 27, 2009
And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt
A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part II
SARAH: TEXT ME GODDAMN IT
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Nobody Has Ever Been This Sick Before, Ever.
SARAH: He's a bigger wuss than you or I.
SARAH: cough cough I am so sick!
SARAH: I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie here I am so sick
KATE: black lung
KATE: koff koff
SARAH: Goooooooooodbye cruel world!
SARAH: I was but a young man until a papercut stole my life!
SARAH: cough cough I am so sick!
SARAH: I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie here I am so sick
KATE: black lung
KATE: koff koff
SARAH: Goooooooooodbye cruel world!
SARAH: I was but a young man until a papercut stole my life!
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