It's Been A While, But She's Just As Sarah As Ever

KATE: Oh, good. Google would like to remind me that Preserved Fetal Pigs Are On Sale.
KATE: On this same website, you can order live snakes.
KATE: By mail.
KATE: BEST IDEA EVER.
SARAH: Ew ew ew live snakes by mail ew
SARAH: I will never get the mail again.
SARAH: Also, those are damn cheap fetal pigs.
KATE: I laughed very loudly when I read that.
KATE: Hey B2, I think you should go get the mail today.
KATE: And tomorrow. And every day after that. Forever.
KATE: In case, you know, live snakes.
SARAH: Dude, you don't know.
SARAH: Maybe they ship it in a brown box with no other words on it. Like it's porn.
SARAH: Except it's scary-ass snakes.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Also, I expect everything sent to me to be labeled "MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES."
SARAH: Otherwise I'm throwing it in the garbage.
SARAH: And if someone wrote MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES but there were snakes in there?
SARAH: Bitch be DEAD.

Every Receptacle Is Exactly the Same

SARAH: I do not have plans on Sunday, other than to wallow in a puddle of tears.
SARAH: I KID. It won’t be a puddle.
SARAH: It will be a bathtub.
KATE: There's a Dethklok song called "Briefcase Full of Guts."
KATE: That's kind of like a bathtub full of tears.
KATE: And you can't forget "Suitcase Full of Vomit."
SARAH: That’s right. Suitcase full of vomit. Briefcase full of guts.
SARAH: Hatbox full of underarm sweat.
SARAH: It’s all the same.

We'll Get Together Then, Bun

KATE: Look at this.
SARAH: Why would you want to convince someone that you’ve given birth to rabbits?
SARAH: And why would a rabbit give you a miscarriage?
KATE: I bet if I got pregnant it would be with rabbits.
KATE: I was saying something the other night about how tired I was and Dublin said, "Maybe you're pregnant!" and I said, "IT'S A MIRACLE!"
KATE: But pregnant with rabbits. Now THAT would be a miracle.
SARAH: EW EW SHE PUT A CAT IN THERE ON PURPOSE THAT IS THE GROSSEST THING EVER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
SARAH: It’s a Thanksgiving miracle – Kate has a bun in the oven!
SARAH: A rabbit bun. But still a bun.
KATE: Just decided. "A Bunny in the Oven" is the name of the Full-Out Criers' first album.
SARAH: Bunny in the oven. I love it. I’m so going to ask people if they have bunnies in the oven now.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: No, srsly. If at any point, I decide I should put a DEAD ANIMAL in any part of my body that is not my mouth, you need to stop me.
SARAH: I don’t even think I have to say this because it sounds like common sense, but it needs to be said to some people.

Sarah continues reading the article.

SARAH: GROSS. ICK AND GROSS.
SARAH: EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Classy ladies, you and I.
SARAH: No wonder I have a date tonight – I’m talking about putting cats in cooters.
SARAH: And the cat’s in the cooter at the silver spoon!
SARAH: Little boy blue and the man in the moon!

Do Not Read This Post

SARAH: Don't read this article because it's gross.
SARAH: Just read the headline.
SARAH: Basically it tells you what to do when your arm flies out of your body.
SARAH: CNN felt like this is a topic that they should address because APPARENTLY people are losing their shit left and right

Sarah Slammed Her Finger in a Door. It Got Gross.

SARAH: Grosssssssssssssss finger. It’s fascinating. 
SARAH:I can’t look away.  Honestly, I can’t.
KATE: You are so funny with Gross Finger. I mean, obviously I'm sorry that it hurts and is gross, but your fascination with it is fascinating to me. 
SARAH: I can’t help it.  it’s so interesting and totally gross.  Like…who expects that? 
SARAH: It’s kind of like when my dad joins the HSA.*  It’s gross, but I cannot look away. 
SARAH: I come from a weird family.
SARAH: I say that like maybe MAYBE you haven’t realized that yet and think that everything that goes down in my family is normal.




*The HSA, or Home Surgery Association, is what it's called when Sarah's father takes a drill to a swollen finger, or a screwdriver to a busted tooth...usually his own, but not exclusively.

Like Debutantes, We Are. Or Longshoremen.

SARAH: Apparently there is a drink called a duck fart.
SARAH: I don't know what that would be, but the idea of ducks farting is funny.
KATE: What the hell? Pondweeds and fish?
SARAH: Cause maybe their feathers would get all disturbed
KATE: And there would be bubbles.
SARAH:And they don't have butts - so would it make a sound?
KATE: Ah. This is a question philosophers have pondered for centuries.
SARAH: I want to google "duck fart"
SARAH: but I don't

Careful.

KATE: Oh dear god.  
KATE: I just snotted on my desk.
KATE: You are too much.
KATE: My cubicle neighbors must think I'm epileptic.
SARAH: Ew. Snot.
SARAH: I suppose the calories would come out in the snots too.
KATE: I was paralyzed for a moment
KATE: With trying not to laugh too loud.
SARAH: It could come out as a fart if you're not careful.
SARAH: Happens to my brother sometimes.