Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sarah Plans 2010

SARAH: I get super super self-conscious when new boys go to kiss me.
KATE: What do you think is going to happen?
SARAH: When new boys go to kiss me?
KATE: Are you going to like lose a tooth in his mouth or something?
KATE: It's kissing. It's automatically wonderful.
SARAH: No, he's going to kiss me and realize that he didn't want to do that in the first place.
KATE: Wow.
KATE: You are fucked up.
SARAH: And then he'll run screaming into the night
SARAH: And then get hit by a car and die.
KATE: I hope so
KATE: If that's how he treats you.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sarah Has Some Feelings



SARAH: That baby wants to punch the economy in the face.
SARAH: I want to punch 2009 in the balls.

Sarah Detects.

SARAH: Fact - the whole upstairs smells like a Christmas tree.
SARAH: I think it's because of the sun hitting the wreath in the door.
SARAH: Take that, Encyclopedia Brown!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sarah Plans for the Future

SARAH: If I brought my resume down there and no one called me - I was going to set fire to that building.
KATE: That's fair.
SARAH: Oh, I know.
SARAH: Because that would be rude of them.  Not me, but them.
SARAH: And their punishment would be fire.
KATE: That's a good punishment.
KATE: I think it makes a pretty clear point.
SARAH: You wrong me and you suffer by fire.

a short while later

SARAH: I wish my car could shoot fire.  then I could set everything on fire that I needed to
SARAH: And just drive away.
KATE: That would be extremely handy
KATE: And would probably bring about the apocalypse.
SARAH: But I'd have to get really good at backing up
SARAH: Because I can't drive into the fire i'm shooting.
KATE: Now THAT is thinking ahead.
SARAH: OR maybe I could have it come out of my exhaust.  So I would just have to back up to the thing i wanted to set on fire
SARAH: And then drive away, setting it on fire as I go.
KATE: That's smart.
SARAH: Very smart.
SARAH: Man.
SARAH: I wonder how much that would cost
SARAH: To install flame throwers in my exhaust pipe.
SARAH: It would be best for everyone if I could just burn whoever pissed me off
SARAH: Then I would be done with it and not carry my anger around with me.
KATE: Nope. You'd just carry fire instead.
SARAH: Well, that's a better alternative.
KATE: I completely agree.
SARAH: Oh man, I could so show those fucking neighborhood kids who is in charge.
SARAH: (and it's motherfucking me. With my flamethrower car.)
KATE: No more MarioKart for you.
SARAH: OH MAN, do you know what would be even better?!?!
KATE: I do not.
SARAH: If I had a remote so I could operate the flame thrower from somewhere else. Like inside our house.
KATE: Isn't that what Dr. Horrible did?
SARAH: I don't know, I have't watched the whole thing.
SARAH: But I would totes do Dr. Horrible, even if he's kinda gay.
KATE: Whatever. If he's game, I'm game.
SARAH: And guess what? If he doesn't want to play along, he's getting set on fire.
KATE: I think that might be rape, honey.
SARAH: No, that would be me setting him on fire.
SARAH: If he doesn't want to have sex with me, fine. But then I torch him.
SARAH: And he'll really be flaming.
KATE: You're an evil, evil person.
SARAH: It's true.
SARAH: This is a very special moment we're having.

Sarah Runs with a Klassy Krowd

SARAH: I have no idea what to wear to this party tonight,
SARAH: Which is unsurprising.
SARAH: Last year I wore that black sweater and apparently my boobs were hanging out.
KATE: whooooops
SARAH: Because my aunts were sticking things down my shirt.
SARAH: You know, like you do.
SARAH: I mean, don't your aunts stick things down your shirt?
KATE: Not generally. There's not a lot of tomfoolery.
KATE: ...At least none that ends with me fishing butter packets out of my bra.
SARAH: You haven't really lived, then.
KATE: Hey, at least I get out.
SARAH: You may be out, but you are not alive.
KATE: All right, all right.
SARAH: I hope someone sticks butter in your bra tonight.
KATE: Merry Christmas to you too.

Sarah Follows the News

SARAH: People.com says that Tiger Woods' mistress didn't know that he had a wife.
SARAH: He is Tiger Woods. Everyone knows he has a wife.
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: Next she is going to say that she didn't know he played golf.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Sarah is Everyone's Favorite Neighbor

SARAH: There's now lots of children shouting and running outside.
SARAH: Not sure why that's going on.
SARAH: WHY ARE THERE CHILDREN?
SARAH: They sound so joyful.
KATE: GO TO SCHOOL, CHILDREN.
SARAH: SRSLY. GO, AND STOP RUNNING.
SARAH: I WILL COME OUT THERE AND BEAT YOU WITH GARBAGE.
KATE: Please please do.
SARAH: Stand still, child. I would like to beat you. With our garbage.

Call Up the Team

SARAH: You know how there's that urban myth that cows can't go down stairs?
KATE: Yes.
SARAH: I am about to prove that cows can in fact go down stairs.
SARAH: Bring Mythbusters in.
KATE: Hahaha you are not a cow.
SARAH: Call Mythbusters! I've done it again!
KATE: You're ridiculous.
SARAH: Happens.

Sarah Loves Everybody

SARAH: My status message this morning was "getting a BA in housewivery"
SARAH: And stupid ex-boyfriend IMs me and he's like "Where do you get that from?"
KATE: WOWWWWWW.
SARAH: I hate you.
SARAH I hate you, ex boyfriends.
SARAH: ALL OF YOU, I HATE YOU ALL.
SARAH: And now you have a Best of Sarah update.
SARAH: You're welcome.

Sometimes I Just Wish She'd Say What She Meant

SARAH: I try to wrap my brain around WoW and I can't.
KATE: Me neither, dude.
KATE: It looks super tedious.
KATE: What *is* the appeal?
SARAH: The time where you decide that you would rather play a video game than HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE is the time you need to have your balls chopped off
SARAH: because clearly you won't ever use them again.
KATE: Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Sarah.
SARAH: Thank you, thank you.