We've Started Naming Her Personalities.

SARAH: I like that a separate, even more evil part of me takes over at times.
SARAH: And that part of me cannot be TAMED, MILEY
KATE: Do you have a good side?
SARAH: I guess the good side of me volunteers for shit and loves a few people.
SARAH: She pops up every now and again.
SARAH: She’s like the Groundhog of Goodness--comes out, does some good and then it’s 6 more weeks of evil.

Rubble Rouser

SARAH: I have a feeling that I might destroy this new guy's life.
SARAH: He might be too nice.
SARAH: Don’t be that way, New Guy.
SARAH: I like how when a guy is nice, I lose control over myself and I just run around like Godzilla in people’s emotional cities.
SARAH: Godzilla Sarah comes into your brain, finds your feelings and smashes them.
SARAH: And then demands rewards for doing such things.
SARAH: I had a better explanation for that, but I have to pee again and I really don’t want to…so I forgot what I wanted to say.

Sarah Makes Friends Online

SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.

And She's Still Talking.

BJ's not going to like this. It's true, though. It's because of his stupid hair.

Sarah's Back.

He is really hot. I can see why someone would want to have lots and lots of his beautiful babies. You have a lot of ridiculously good-looking friends. BJ is not one of them.

Sarah Plans for the Future

SARAH: If I brought my resume down there and no one called me - I was going to set fire to that building.
KATE: That's fair.
SARAH: Oh, I know.
SARAH: Because that would be rude of them.  Not me, but them.
SARAH: And their punishment would be fire.
KATE: That's a good punishment.
KATE: I think it makes a pretty clear point.
SARAH: You wrong me and you suffer by fire.

a short while later

SARAH: I wish my car could shoot fire.  then I could set everything on fire that I needed to
SARAH: And just drive away.
KATE: That would be extremely handy
KATE: And would probably bring about the apocalypse.
SARAH: But I'd have to get really good at backing up
SARAH: Because I can't drive into the fire i'm shooting.
KATE: Now THAT is thinking ahead.
SARAH: OR maybe I could have it come out of my exhaust.  So I would just have to back up to the thing i wanted to set on fire
SARAH: And then drive away, setting it on fire as I go.
KATE: That's smart.
SARAH: Very smart.
SARAH: Man.
SARAH: I wonder how much that would cost
SARAH: To install flame throwers in my exhaust pipe.
SARAH: It would be best for everyone if I could just burn whoever pissed me off
SARAH: Then I would be done with it and not carry my anger around with me.
KATE: Nope. You'd just carry fire instead.
SARAH: Well, that's a better alternative.
KATE: I completely agree.
SARAH: Oh man, I could so show those fucking neighborhood kids who is in charge.
SARAH: (and it's motherfucking me. With my flamethrower car.)
KATE: No more MarioKart for you.
SARAH: OH MAN, do you know what would be even better?!?!
KATE: I do not.
SARAH: If I had a remote so I could operate the flame thrower from somewhere else. Like inside our house.
KATE: Isn't that what Dr. Horrible did?
SARAH: I don't know, I have't watched the whole thing.
SARAH: But I would totes do Dr. Horrible, even if he's kinda gay.
KATE: Whatever. If he's game, I'm game.
SARAH: And guess what? If he doesn't want to play along, he's getting set on fire.
KATE: I think that might be rape, honey.
SARAH: No, that would be me setting him on fire.
SARAH: If he doesn't want to have sex with me, fine. But then I torch him.
SARAH: And he'll really be flaming.
KATE: You're an evil, evil person.
SARAH: It's true.
SARAH: This is a very special moment we're having.

Sarah Loves Children

SARAH: OH MY GOD
SARAH: OH LORDY
KATE: What?
SARAH: I found another ugly baby.
SARAH: This one is like, covered in yogurt or something
SARAH: and it's...Kate...there are no words
KATE: I just spit on my desk.
KATE: Thank you.
SARAH: You need a spit guard.
KATE: I do.
SARAH: IT'S ALL CROSSEYED AND COVERED IN YOGURT
KATE: You are going to get me fired.
KATE: I sound like I'm possessed.
SARAH:Dear Everyone I Know -
SARAH:Don't have babies. I will just mock them if they are ugly.
SARAH: Love, Sarah.
SARAH: JESUS CHRIST BABY YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
KATE: They always do.
SARAH: Okay, I am going to go and shout in the shower
SARAH: and hopefully not drown.
SARAH: GODDAMN BABY

Sarah Gives an Archaeologist Her Phone Number. This is Her Story.

SARAH: MAYBE HE ONLY WANTED TO GET DRINKS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.

Like the World is Not Scary Enough Already

SARAH: I hardly ever do things for evil.
KATE: Oh, hardly EVER.
SARAH: It's not like I've taught Ollie to use a gun...yet.
KATE: That cat does NOT need any more weapons.
SARAH: He would totally use it on me.
SARAH: Like a fucker.

Sarah and the Massachusetts Dog Company

SARAH: Okay, there is some place called the "Massachusetts Dog Company."
SARAH: What sort of a place does that sound like to you?
KATE: A sewer?
SARAH: Right. Or a place where you would buy used dogs.
KATE: Ew.
KATE: Jack is a used dog. Used and ruined.
SARAH: RUINED. He is ruined for sure.
SARAH: But no, they are a place that has people that come to your house when you're out of town to walk your dog or whatever.
KATE: Wow. That's a terrible name for that company.
SARAH: I know, right?

SARAH: Continuing the weirdness:
SARAH: There's some community out in Long Island for old people
SARAH: and it's a "secure memory impairment neighborhood."
SARAH: And what the f*** is that about?
KATE: Well, that makes sense.
KATE: They built it so old gramps can't wander out into the world.
KATE: It's like a big cage for old people.
SARAH: In the ad is an old lady looking at a photo album
SARAH: and I thought, "She probably doesn't even know that's her grandkid."

WoW, She's Brutal

SARAH: Kate, loving sick people is just like laughing that your ex-boyfriend is still kinda fat and was in a wedding for people who met on WoW. Yeah. That's right. And someone posted pictures from the wedding using the people's WoW names instead of their real people names. The real people names you use when you are real people.
SARAH: If I ever start playing WoW (no, I don't know why either) and I meet some boy on there, do not let me meet him. Unless he's really good-looking and smart and not awkward and makes me laugh. Although good-looking people do not play WoW. Look at my ex-boyfriend.  or BJ.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
KATE: Hey, it's better that they're marrying each other.
KATE: At least they're not in the dating pool.
SARAH: I suppose.
SARAH: No, they're not in the dating pool. They are in the WoW puddle.

Sarah in Desperate (and Not So Desperate) Times

ACHILLES: So you're saying I'm evil?
SARAH: Are you saying you're not?
ACHILLES: I asked first.
SARAH: If you eat babies, then yes, you're evil.
SARAH: Babies are for shaking, not for eating.
ACHILLES: Well, you said I ate babies.
SARAH: Because you said that I eat babies and we both know that's not true!
SARAH: Because I bet babies are like veal and I don't like veal.

KATE: The two of you together are bad news. Babies will die.
SARAH: I wouldn't eat my own baby! Jesus!
SARAH: Kate, I'm not a barbarian.
KATE: ha!
SARAH: I would only eat other people's babies.
KATE: Well, good.
SARAH: And only if they were really annoying and we were stuck on a desert island and there was no hope of rescue.
KATE: You'd do it for fun. Don't lie.


BEST OF SARAH POLL

I believe that Sarah would eat a baby.
1. Only in desperate circumstances
2. If it looked at her funny
3. Never
4. I believe she already has

He's Not Even Here to Defend Himself.

Kate, you are not full of fail because last night you made AMAZING strawberry shortcake and had drunk pasta and had fun with your friends.

But the most important reason that you are not full of fail is because you are NOT BJ. He doesn't even get invited to meetings at his own office! You get invited to meetings and they tell you they love your mad cupcake skillz.

What sort of skills does BJ have? Aside from sucking skills.

(He is full of fail. About life.)

Sarah and the Disclaimer

SARAH: I should tattoo a disclaimer on my forehead: "WARNING: I AM GOING TO OFFEND YOU. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. SOMETIMES I'M KIND OF HEARTLESS. YOU BETTER LEARN TO LIKE IT OR JUST WALK AWAY, ASSHOLE."
SARAH: I should punch them when they are done reading, for good measure.
KATE: Agreed. You can't be too careful.
SARAH: Hey, when people interact with me, those are the chances they take. You might hit them with a shovel, but I will break down their self esteem, and then say "HAHAHAH, I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S WHY I'M MEAN TO YOU! Now get in this bag so I can get rid of you."