SARAH: Duke drooled all over the floor.
SARAH: My dad asks why it's all wet.
SARAH: Deadpan, my mom says, "Spittles."
SARAH: Like that would be so obvious.
SARAH: Duke was like, drooling for the sake of it.
KATE: Don't hounds drool like a whole lot?
KATE: Isn't that one of their primary exports? Drool?
SARAH: Yeah, kinda. But it was coming out of both sides of his mouth and it was just…ew. Duke. Gross.
KATE: Your mom really comes out of left field sometimes.
SARAH: That’s when I like my mom.
SARAH: When she’s funny and yells at the cars in front of her that aren’t turning right on red and tells them to shit or get off the pot.
KATE: Spittles.
SARAH: Not to be confused with Skittles.
SARAH: Taste the rainbow.
SARAH: Of drool.
SARAH: On the floor.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
It's Not Just Sarah (Texts From Sarah)
My dad was just wandering around the kitchen singing "Toot toot! Uh-huh. Beep beep! Uh-huh"
And Many More...
SARAH: OMG Guess what my dad did for my mom's birthday.
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
The Queen of Hearts
SARAH: Well, he’s a lover and not a fighter.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.
Never Forget.
SARAH: So what’s Fancy Lady doing on her date tonight?
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.
SARAH: I want a full update tomorrow.
KATE: Fancy Lady is not feeling Fancy.
KATE: Fancy Lady feels and looks more like Death Warmed Over and Then Hit With a Stick.
SARAH: FANCY LADY. This boy has been thinking about you all week.
SARAH: So you get your hot Death-Warmed-Over ass in gear and go out there and WOW him with how awesome you can continue to be all the time.
SARAH: And KATE.
SARAH: KISSYFACES.
KATE: That is an Olympic-sized pep talk, that is.
SARAH: JESUS, KATE. REMEMBER THE GERMANS. AND PEARL HARBOR.
You Can Check Out Any Time You Like But You Can Never Leave
SARAH: And then we ventured into Chelsea and the meatpacking district.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.
SARAH: Which made me think of you.
ACHILLES: I can't believe you said meatpacking to me with a straight face.
SARAH: I didn’t.
The New Puppy, AKA The Doodie
SARAH: The doodie needs to get trained on the invisible fence.
SARAH: The doodie isn’t smart and makes terrible horrible noises when he gets shocked.
SARAH: I tell doodie that it’s okay when he’s in the middle of the yard.
SARAH: He just shouldn’t go near the sides.
SARAH: Like Operation.
KATE: And I'm sure if you explain it to him that way he'll understand completely.
SARAH: Well, we normally talk about all sorts of profound things over breakfast, except when he’s sleeping or chewing on his nuts. So.
SARAH: It wouldn’t be too far-fetched.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
SARAH: Happens.
SARAH: The doodie isn’t smart and makes terrible horrible noises when he gets shocked.
SARAH: I tell doodie that it’s okay when he’s in the middle of the yard.
SARAH: He just shouldn’t go near the sides.
SARAH: Like Operation.
KATE: And I'm sure if you explain it to him that way he'll understand completely.
SARAH: Well, we normally talk about all sorts of profound things over breakfast, except when he’s sleeping or chewing on his nuts. So.
SARAH: It wouldn’t be too far-fetched.
KATE: Sarah, I love you.
SARAH: Happens.
The Summer When Dreams Come True (A Letter from Sarah)
Dearest, Most Lovely Starshine,
I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.
And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.
WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.
It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.
Love,
Sarah
I hope you are sitting down, because I have the best news ever. As you may know, I'm going to a barbecue in a few weeks with New Manfriend.
And you remember Ugly Baby. Of course you do. That thing probably haunts your dreams.
WELL. The mother of Ugly Baby is friends with the guy who's holding the barbecue. Meaning that maybe, possibly...Ugly Baby may be at this party. And at the risk of breaking all the cameras in the universe, I am going to try to have my picture taken with said Ugly Baby, just so that I can say I did it.
It might be like staring into the sun, but sometimes you need to do things like this.
Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Sarah Has a Good Day
SARAH: I love you. I love everything right now.
KATE: Yes, I imagine you do.
KATE: I love you too, dear.
KATE: We're just like Walter and Perry.
KATE: Time has now stopped.
KATE: Come on, Wednesday. You were doing so well.
SARAH: Probably because we’ve weighed down the world with so much gay that it can no longer move.
KATE: Yes, I imagine you do.
KATE: I love you too, dear.
KATE: We're just like Walter and Perry.
KATE: Time has now stopped.
KATE: Come on, Wednesday. You were doing so well.
SARAH: Probably because we’ve weighed down the world with so much gay that it can no longer move.
A Little Extra Barf and Gay
SARAH: I still think of some of your poems as the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.
SARAH: There’s a little extra barf and gay for your life.
KATE: I'm laughing so hard right now i may actually barf.
KATE: That's like bonus barf.
KATE: and thank you.
SARAH: Why do boys date us?
SARAH: We’re clearly so much more into each other.
SARAH: I mean, except each other's parts.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Don't Keep Your Recipes Alphabetized and This Won't Happen
SARAH: We are having chicken in a pot tonight for dinner.
SARAH: Tell me something.
SARAH: How does my family exist? I still don’t understand.
SARAH: They are all completely mental.
KATE: Oh NO. Not chicken shit pot!
KATE: Can you do us all a favor? Make sure your mom actually cooks it this time?
KATE: And if not, make sure somebody throws it out?
KATE: ::shudder::
SARAH: No no – not chicken shit pot. Chicken IN a pot.
SARAH: I made it for you once. You liked it. You know, with the orzo?
SARAH: God, no one PLANS chicken shit pot
SARAH: Tell me something.
SARAH: How does my family exist? I still don’t understand.
SARAH: They are all completely mental.
KATE: Oh NO. Not chicken shit pot!
KATE: Can you do us all a favor? Make sure your mom actually cooks it this time?
KATE: And if not, make sure somebody throws it out?
KATE: ::shudder::
SARAH: No no – not chicken shit pot. Chicken IN a pot.
SARAH: I made it for you once. You liked it. You know, with the orzo?
SARAH: God, no one PLANS chicken shit pot
Jiminy Kate Is At It Again
SARAH: You ruin everything.
SARAH: You’re the goddamn Scott Baio to my life.
SARAH: #scottbaioruinseverything
KATE: I'm going to go cry Scott Baio tears now.
KATE: Sob Loblaw lobs sob bomb.
SARAH: You’re the goddamn Scott Baio to my life.
SARAH: #scottbaioruinseverything
KATE: I'm going to go cry Scott Baio tears now.
KATE: Sob Loblaw lobs sob bomb.
Silly New Manfriend.
SARAH: He thinks that every thing I do is reasonable which is BAD and DANGEROUS idea.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.
SARAH: Because everything I do isn’t normal.
SARAH: It’s pretty far from normal, actually.
KATE: He's running with the big dogs now.
SARAH: For realsies.
SARAH: Big dogs that drink vodka
SARAH: And fall down.
Storm Season's A-Comin'.
SARAH: Apparently on Saturday I drunkenly (and correctly) told New Manfriend that his pretty perfect friend is one of those girls that I really don’t like.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.
SARAH: DRUNKEN SARAH. BROKEN FILTER.
KATE: The Accurate Wind had returned as a tornado.
SARAH: A shouty booze tornado.
Sarah Was a Wee Bit Tipsy on Saturday
SARAH: One of New Manfriend’s friends just sent me a friend request on Facebook
SARAH: I asked New Manfriend who she was and he told me I talked to her for a while on Saturday night.
SARAH: YEAH, NO MEMORY OF THAT.
SARAH: But apparently she liked me. As she should.
SARAH: But I have no memory of talking to her.
SARAH: Therefore? We’re not going to be friends on Facebook.
KATE: SARAH HAS SPOKEN.
SARAH: YES I HAVE, YOU BITCHES.
SARAH: I asked New Manfriend who she was and he told me I talked to her for a while on Saturday night.
SARAH: YEAH, NO MEMORY OF THAT.
SARAH: But apparently she liked me. As she should.
SARAH: But I have no memory of talking to her.
SARAH: Therefore? We’re not going to be friends on Facebook.
KATE: SARAH HAS SPOKEN.
SARAH: YES I HAVE, YOU BITCHES.
Checks and Balances at Work
SARAH: (mumbling under her breath) And I’m going to punch you right in your girlface.
SARAH'S COWORKER: You need to take a deep breath and closed your damn eyes…and work for the rest of the day.
SARAH'S COWORKER: Right now.
SARAH'S COWORKER: You need to take a deep breath and closed your damn eyes…and work for the rest of the day.
SARAH'S COWORKER: Right now.
How Things Are
KATE: So he stood her up.
KATE: He called later and said he had forgotten or had the wrong date on his calendar or something.
SARAH: That is bullshit.
SARAH: If someone wants to go out with me, they better be waiting from the moment they ask me until the moment I show up
SARAH: to see my wonderful face and bask in my ever-awesome life.
SARAH: I don't have an ego problem.
KATE: He called later and said he had forgotten or had the wrong date on his calendar or something.
SARAH: That is bullshit.
SARAH: If someone wants to go out with me, they better be waiting from the moment they ask me until the moment I show up
SARAH: to see my wonderful face and bask in my ever-awesome life.
SARAH: I don't have an ego problem.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Pretty Awesome.
SARAH: I think New Manfriend thinks the sun shines out of my butt, so there’s that.
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?
SARAH: Also? I wish rainbows came out of my butt because HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?
That's What Friends Are For
KATE: You need to get here soon.
KATE: I've been looking at pictures of toddlers and now I want to adopt a child.
KATE: Save me from myself.
SARAH: SHOVEL, KATE. SHOVEL.
KATE: This is why I need you in my life. Thank you.
SARAH: Meanwhile, over here, Sarah is getting mad about yarn.
KATE: I've been looking at pictures of toddlers and now I want to adopt a child.
KATE: Save me from myself.
SARAH: SHOVEL, KATE. SHOVEL.
KATE: This is why I need you in my life. Thank you.
SARAH: Meanwhile, over here, Sarah is getting mad about yarn.
And God Help You If It Isn't Seedless.
SARAH: New Manfriend just told me he’s going to the store tomorrow to get things for his birthday.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.
SARAH: He wanted to know what else I wanted – other than the pancakes he's going to make me.
SARAH: On his birthday.
SARAH: Oh you, New Manfriend. Don’t ask me questions like that.
SARAH: I’ll demand an entire watermelon.
NSF: Bankrolling Beatings Since 2010
KATE: Look at this.
KATE: Look at the picture on the left.
KATE: Then scroll to the bottom of the page and look at the title of the ACADEMIC PAPER.
SARAH: What is going on here?
SARAH: Does the world only exist inside our heads?
KATE: Look at the picture on the left.
KATE: Then scroll to the bottom of the page and look at the title of the ACADEMIC PAPER.
SARAH: What is going on here?
SARAH: Does the world only exist inside our heads?
The Lexicon Continues to Expand
SARAH: Do you know what a road soder is?
STARSHINE: I do not.
SARAH: A road soder (soda) is a beer.
SARAH: It's a joke in my family.
STARSHINE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SARAH: Going on a long drive? TAKE A ROAD SODER!
SARAH: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE.
STARSHINE: Road soders are good when you're on the train!
SARAH: Oh, Starshine.
SARAH: Those are train soders.
STARSHINE: I do not.
SARAH: A road soder (soda) is a beer.
SARAH: It's a joke in my family.
STARSHINE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SARAH: Going on a long drive? TAKE A ROAD SODER!
SARAH: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DRIVE.
STARSHINE: Road soders are good when you're on the train!
SARAH: Oh, Starshine.
SARAH: Those are train soders.
Pop Music, AKA Traumatic Brain Injury
SARAH: I've had Ke$ha stuck in my head ALL DAY over here.
SARAH: It’s much more fun in your head than mine, I think.
SARAH: BLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Duke ran into the wall yesterday.
SARAH: I know how he feels.
SARAH: It’s much more fun in your head than mine, I think.
SARAH: BLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SARAH: Duke ran into the wall yesterday.
SARAH: I know how he feels.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
She Has a Point (Texts to/from Sarah)
KATE: I'm walking directly behind the human version of Bender Bending Rodriguez.
KATE: Bald head, heavy boots, weirdly dressed, weirdly muscular, smoking a cigar.
SARAH: Was his butt moving without him?
SARAH: Wait a minute.
SARAH: How do you know it wasn't Flexo?
KATE: Bald head, heavy boots, weirdly dressed, weirdly muscular, smoking a cigar.
SARAH: Was his butt moving without him?
SARAH: Wait a minute.
SARAH: How do you know it wasn't Flexo?
As Crime Coiffure Goes, I Guess That's Pretty Efficient.
KATE: Check this out.
KATE: They're calling this guy the Mullet Bandit.
SARAH: It’s workday in the front, bank robbin’ in the back!
KATE: They're calling this guy the Mullet Bandit.
SARAH: It’s workday in the front, bank robbin’ in the back!
Oh, the Crushing.
SARAH: Made the mistake of telling New Manfriend about my demand for nachos.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.
SARAH: He says that he’s now ready for that and that won’t scare him off.
SARAH: Damn it.
SARAH: Now I’m going to have to whip out the big guns.
SARAH: I wonder what’s the weirdest thing that I could say to make him leave the table.
SARAH: I don’t really want him to. I just want to see where the line is.
KATE: If you frighten him away and/or crush him like a walnut on purpose you don't get to complain that nobody likes you.
KATE: Just putting that out there.
KATE: Somebody is making cat noises in the hall.
KATE: It had better be a person. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.
SARAH: He’s too big to be a walnut.
SARAH: Just saying.
SARAH: Sometimes I don’t do things on purpose.
SARAH: Sometimes. SOMETIMES.
SARAH: CAT IN THE HALLWAY. CAT IN THE HALLWAY
SARAH: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's punchy o'clock.
SARAH: How do I know? I just checked my watch.
SARAH: And by watch, I mean e-mail.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)