Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Guess Who's Back, Part IV

SARAH: There are quizzes at the end of the segments.  
SARAH: This one is a word search.  
SARAH: They aren't giving you the words.
SARAH: You have to fill in the blank and then find the word. That is...what. No. 
SARAH: I don't want to play this stupid game anymore, grandma.
SARAH: I just want to find dirty words, like "dicklicker."  
SARAH: Not words like "trust" and "recognition​."
SARAH: I did find the word "queef." I'm done.
KATE: Congratulations. You are now a manager.


Guess Who's Back, Part III


SARAH: Now on to the module about motivation.  
SARAH: They are saying that you need to give your employee the map and tell them the rules but let them get there themselves.  
SARAH: This is the photo of the map included on the slide.  


SARAH: THERE IS A POND WITH A DEAD FISH.

Guess Who's Back, Part II

SARAH: Oh, good, I GET TO TAKE A QUIZ
KATE: You are Mr. Manager.
SARAH: I am.  I am Mr. Manager and I will manage you SO HARD.
SARAH: Talking point on this slide: "Introduce new hire to their accountabilities."
SARAH: Like that's a person.  that you shake hands with.  
SARAH: It's like having a puppy.
SARAH: SOCIALIZE your new hire.  help them ADAPT to the new environment.
SARAH: They are talking about the millennials now.  
SARAH: They can open multiple tabs in Internet Explorer!  
SARAH: They can search for things AND listen to music!  
SARAH: They are highly educated and well informed!  
SARAH: THEY PLAY ANGRY BIRDS.
SARAH: YOU may even be a millenial, they said.  
SARAH: YOU COULD BE ONE TOO. THEY ARE AMONG US

Guess Who's Back, Part I

Editor's note: Sarah's a manager now. 

SARAH: Oh my god, I have to take this stupid management training thing.
SARAH: I can't even explain what's going on here.
SARAH: There's a lot of feedback in the narration--yes, it is narrated--and then there is this weird whistling music in the background.
SARAH: Right now they are defining what a manager is.
SARAH: And there is still elevator music going on.
SARAH: The music is different on every slide and it's making me insane. PICK SOME MUSIC AND GO WITH IT.
SARAH: Last slide of the presentation?
SARAH: "What is a manager?"
SARAH: "YOU ARE A MANAGER."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It's Been A While, But She's Just As Sarah As Ever

KATE: Oh, good. Google would like to remind me that Preserved Fetal Pigs Are On Sale.
KATE: On this same website, you can order live snakes.
KATE: By mail.
KATE: BEST IDEA EVER.
SARAH: Ew ew ew live snakes by mail ew
SARAH: I will never get the mail again.
SARAH: Also, those are damn cheap fetal pigs.
KATE: I laughed very loudly when I read that.
KATE: Hey B2, I think you should go get the mail today.
KATE: And tomorrow. And every day after that. Forever.
KATE: In case, you know, live snakes.
SARAH: Dude, you don't know.
SARAH: Maybe they ship it in a brown box with no other words on it. Like it's porn.
SARAH: Except it's scary-ass snakes.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Also, I expect everything sent to me to be labeled "MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES."
SARAH: Otherwise I'm throwing it in the garbage.
SARAH: And if someone wrote MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES but there were snakes in there?
SARAH: Bitch be DEAD.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

More Valid Questions

SARAH: Maybe I will show up on Tuesday just to wow your friend.
SARAH: And you know, give him the best wedding present ever - my existence.
NEW MANFRIEND: Will your ego fit into your dress on Saturday?

Valid Questions, All

NEW MANFRIEND: I never slept with a girl in a dirty frat-house bedroom.
SARAH: Did you sleep with boys in a dirty frat-house bedroom?
NEW MANFRIEND: No.
SARAH: What about ponies?