Sarah's Laws of Matter

SARAH: We are all kinds of broken.
KATE: We are.
SARAH: Maybe next Halloween we should go as healthy people.
KATE: We'd never pass.
SARAH: It's only for one day. We might be able to pull it off.
SARAH: Fact- I am bouncing around my room singing Ingrid Michaelson.
KATE: Fact: I was bouncing at my desk doing that when you said that.
SARAH: Fact - GAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
KATE: gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
SARAH: I love us.
KATE: I do too.
SARAH: We are the best thing to ever happen to the universe
SARAH: Ever.
SARAH: Fuck the Big Bang, there was jack shit nothing before Sarah and Kate.
SARAH: I'm dancing around with Halloween socks and my Monarch sweatshirt on.
SARAH: Maybe I can get creative and make new words to "I'm On a Boat."
SARAH: That includes the phrase
SARAH: FUCK THE UNIVERSE, IT'S KATE AND SARAH, MOTHERFUCKER
SARAH: FUCK THE MILKY WAY, IT'S CUPCAKE LAND, MOTHERFUCKER˙

Sarah's Adventures in Shopping

SARAH: Costco just called to tell me my contact lenses are in.
SARAH: Those bitches.
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE
SARAH: I WAS JUST THERE, YOU FUCKERS
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME A WEEK WHEN IT'S A DAY AND A HALF
SARAH: They probably had them and were hiding them on purpose just to burn my biscuits
KATE: snerk
KATE: And does that really frost your butt?
SARAH: IT FROSTS MY BUTT
SARAH: AND GRINDS MY GEARS
SARAH: AND RAINS ON MY PARADE
SARAH: AND THERE'S A BEE IN MY BONNET AND A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
SARAH: OTHER OLD TIMEY PHRASES
KATE: You are too much.
SARAH: Don't act surprised.

Texts from Sarah

I almost just told the Comcast guy who came to the door that we don't believe in the internet.

Don't Fix It if It Ain't Broken, Folks

SARAH: Excuse me
KATE: Yes?
SARAH: but what the fuck is THIS shit?
KATE: Sacrilege. That's what that is.
SARAH: UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE
SARAH: I just made up a word to tell you how horrible it is.
SARAH: I mean, people say that all the time
SARAH: but not all smashed together.
SARAH: MY ANGER SMASHES THINGS
KATE: It's bon mot, too. Exactly the right word.
KATE: Maybe you should put on the tiny shirt
KATE: So you can go hulk.
SARAH: Oh, I am so peeved right now.
SARAH: And then everyone is going to prance into B&N and act like this is the first Winnie the Pooh book ever
KATE: ugh
SARAH:"You know, the one with the otter?"
KATE: No, they'll call it a beaver
SARAH: and I would say "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THE OTTER TOO"
KATE: Or like an elephant
SARAH: Or a badger
KATE: Honestly.
SARAH: They will call it a fucking badger
KATE: They don't know what badgers are.
SARAH: ARGH "Eeyore would have a more proactive role than in the originals...and Christopher Robin would return."
SARAH: NO
KATE: WHAT?
KATE: NO.
KATE: EEYORE IS PASSIVE.
SARAH: The reason eeyore is awesome is because he's such an asshole
SARAH: and hates EVERYTHING
SARAH: ARG
SARAH: SARAH SMASH ENGLAND
KATE: omg please do.
KATE: You will be Europe's Godzilla.
SARAH: YES
SARAH: I hope so.
SARAH: Fucking commies in England
SARAH: bastardizing Winnie the Pooh
KATE: Otter commies.
SARAH: I'm coming for you fuckers.
SARAH: Badger nazis!
KATE: That's what they are.

On a Completely Unrelated Note

KATE: We just had to ban some guy from the forum because he was trying to sell trampolines.
SARAH: What?!?
SARAH: Not to be rude, but when did diabetics become the target market for trampoline salesmen? Shouldn't they go after clowns?
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Hardly.
SARAH: Also, trampolines seem like something you should test out before you buy.

The Lovers: An Aside

SARAH: BJ is talking to me.
KATE: Aw.
KATE: He misses youuuuuu.
KATE: I think one time you should be really nice to him
KATE: Just to freak him out.

BJ: (quoted) So, until Thursday, Best of Sarah hadn't been updated in over a month. I thought maybe you had stopped being interesting. Or that the search & rescue team from whatever netherworld you call home had finally found you. Did you become interesting again, or have you escaped from your hellish and fetid prison?
KATE: Oh boy.
KATE: SEE? The people demand Sarah.
SARAH: (quoted) Any world that involves you is still a hellish and fetid prison so no, I have not escaped it.
SARAH: He does not know.
SARAH: He does not know the hell I can release upon him.
KATE: He must have some idea.

Some time later.

SARAH: BJ's facebook status is that I have swine flu and now I'm dead.
KATE: That YOU do?
SARAH: Yes.
KATE: Nice.
KATE: I hear wedding bells.
SARAH: Or death bells.
SARAH: Does death have bells?
KATE: Yes, because there is a death knell
SARAH: Excellent.
SARAH: BJ has shut up now that he thinks I'm dead from swine flu.
KATE: Did you tell him it was true?
SARAH: I didn't.
SARAH: But not talking to him probably makes him believe I'm dead.
KATE: You should tell him you're dead and in a few minutes you'll be undead.
SARAH: And even if I was a zombie, i wouldn't touch him.
SARAH: Because then he would bother me as an undead person too.
KATE: Brains?
SARAH: He would not eat my brains
SARAH: and I would never touch him...because he doesn't have brains.
KATE: It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.
SARAH: Sigh.

The Lovers, Reunited After Two Birthdays

BJ: So, you're one year closer to death now.
BJ: I had no idea that your birthday was so close to the High Holy Day that is my birthday.
SARAH: Well, my birthday is first because I am better.
BJ: ...
BJ: Your birthday is a week after mine.
SARAH: Mine is better.
BJ: By your own logic, I am better.
BJ: I have won this already.
SARAH: You can bite me, BJ.
BJ: I am the victor.
SARAH: You can just bite me.
BJ: I AM THE VICTOR.
SARAH: And no more fucking cupcakes for you.
BJ: =(
SARAH: HA
BJ: Kate will bake me cupcakes! You're not the boss of her!
SARAH: I'm not the boss of her, but I'm her housewife.
SARAH: and therefore...no.
SARAH: I win.
BJ: I am still the victor.
BJ: Never forget that.
SARAH: You are not.
SARAH: and I already have.
BJ: NEVER FORGET.
BJ: Then you hate America.
SARAH: Good, I do.
BJ: You hate Amer'ca.
SARAH: If you're america, that's terrible and yes, I totally hate it.
BJ: Terrorist.
SARAH: I don't think that i'm a terrorist. I'm just someone that dislikes you. A lot.
BJ: Terrorists never think that they're terrorists.