Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It's Been A While, But She's Just As Sarah As Ever

KATE: Oh, good. Google would like to remind me that Preserved Fetal Pigs Are On Sale.
KATE: On this same website, you can order live snakes.
KATE: By mail.
KATE: BEST IDEA EVER.
SARAH: Ew ew ew live snakes by mail ew
SARAH: I will never get the mail again.
SARAH: Also, those are damn cheap fetal pigs.
KATE: I laughed very loudly when I read that.
KATE: Hey B2, I think you should go get the mail today.
KATE: And tomorrow. And every day after that. Forever.
KATE: In case, you know, live snakes.
SARAH: Dude, you don't know.
SARAH: Maybe they ship it in a brown box with no other words on it. Like it's porn.
SARAH: Except it's scary-ass snakes.
KATE: You are amazing.
SARAH: Also, I expect everything sent to me to be labeled "MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES."
SARAH: Otherwise I'm throwing it in the garbage.
SARAH: And if someone wrote MOST CERTAINLY NOT SNAKES but there were snakes in there?
SARAH: Bitch be DEAD.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

More Valid Questions

SARAH: Maybe I will show up on Tuesday just to wow your friend.
SARAH: And you know, give him the best wedding present ever - my existence.
NEW MANFRIEND: Will your ego fit into your dress on Saturday?

Valid Questions, All

NEW MANFRIEND: I never slept with a girl in a dirty frat-house bedroom.
SARAH: Did you sleep with boys in a dirty frat-house bedroom?
NEW MANFRIEND: No.
SARAH: What about ponies?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Man's Slippery Best Friend

SARAH: Duke drooled all over the floor.
SARAH: My dad asks why it's all wet.
SARAH: Deadpan, my mom says, "Spittles."
SARAH: Like that would be so obvious.
SARAH: Duke was like, drooling for the sake of it.
KATE: Don't hounds drool like a whole lot?
KATE: Isn't that one of their primary exports? Drool?
SARAH: Yeah, kinda. But it was coming out of both sides of his mouth and it was just…ew. Duke. Gross.
KATE: Your mom really comes out of left field sometimes.
SARAH: That’s when I like my mom.
SARAH: When she’s funny and yells at the cars in front of her that aren’t turning right on red and tells them to shit or get off the pot.
KATE: Spittles.
SARAH: Not to be confused with Skittles.
SARAH: Taste the rainbow.
SARAH: Of drool.
SARAH: On the floor.

It's Not Just Sarah (Texts From Sarah)

My dad was just wandering around the kitchen singing "Toot toot! Uh-huh. Beep beep! Uh-huh"

And Many More...

SARAH: OMG Guess what my dad did for my mom's birthday.
KATE: What did he do?
SARAH: He backed his truck into her car and smashed up the door.
SARAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The Queen of Hearts

SARAH: Well, he’s a lover and not a fighter.
SARAH: So I would win without even trying.
KATE: You're so romantic.