Web M(agical)D(octor)

SARAH: Kates, I would love to shank someone in order to go home and keep on reading Harry Potter.
SARAH: I meant to watch how the states got their shapes last night…and instead I read Harry Potter. I’ve got a problem.
SARAH: A Harry Potter problem.
SARAH: That actually does sound like something you would see a doctor about.
SARAH: Doctor, my potter is very harry. Please help
KATE: Just made a horrible choking noise while reading that.

Duke Finds a Home (in Hell)

SARAH: The vet told my dad that Duke will totally end up being more than 100 pounds
SARAH: and we really have to watch him when he plays with Jack (AS I’VE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME NOW) to make sure that Duke doesn’t turn into Satan because Jack is mean to him.
SARAH: The joke is on the vet. We already have He Who Must Not Be Named at our house.
SARAH: what more could Satan do?

Get On That, Neville

SARAH: I watched the Harry Potter trailer.
SARAH: Made me really happy and then really sad.
SARAH: Because it’s going to be over.
SARAH: And because there’s a giant snake in the damn movie.
SARAH: What am I going to do? I hate snakes.
SARAH: I hate giant ones even more.
SARAH: HOW WILL I WATCH THAT SHIT IN 3D?
SARAH: #firstworldproblems

Sarah Makes Friends Online

SARAH: I used the phrase “makes my skirt fly up” in an email to the new guy.
SARAH: He continued to talk to me.
SARAH: Low standard of girls or high standard of awesome? You decide.
KATE: Definitely the latter.
KATE: And now you've got him thinking about your skirt flying up.
KATE: And what did you tell the new guy makes your skirt fly up?
SARAH: I told him that I have been looking for a beer that makes my skirt fly up because they don’t sell Yuengling in this state and I love Yuengling.
SARAH: Then he told me that me saying that made his heart and his liver all aflutter.
KATE: Sarah! You were trying the Yuengling trick with a man you haven't even MET YET?
KATE: My god. Salazar Slytherin would be so proud of you.
SARAH: It’s the Yuengling skirt trick. Illegal in 17 states…including this one.
SARAH: BOOYAH
SARAH: This man will totes buy me Yuengling. He works in NY. He likes it too.
SARAH: I’ve got it made in the shade…with a skirt.
SARAH: I TOLD HIM about how Achilles bought me French fries in the middle of the night.
SARAH: I WARNED HIM. I DID. He continues to talk to me.
SARAH: I told him I’m calling him at 4 AM and demanding pizza.
SARAH: He thinks I’m kidding.

I SAID, Frosty Ice Princess Unicorn Fart Downhill Fasties!

SARAH: I just re-read an email that I sent you like 5 minutes ago about being a frosty ice princess.
SARAH: Sometimes when I talk to you, I talk like I’m drunk because we talk in such nonsense phrases.
SARAH: Dumbledore bless you for understanding what I’m saying.
SARAH: We both know you’re the only one that does.
KATE: Just laughed in a way that made it sound like I was a sick elephant blowing my nose.
KATE: Trunk.
KATE: Whatever.
KATE: But yes. We do generally sound drunk.
KATE: Even when I'm not.
KATE: You usually are.

Another Wild Night in Cupcake Land

KATE: (stepping out of the shower, calling down the stairs): Hey, I thought of something.
SARAH: What?
KATE: It's the dorkiest hypothetical question in human history. I mean it.
SARAH: What is it?
KATE: If I cast Lumos solem, would I break out in hives?

SARAH stands at the foot of the stairs, speechless.

KATE: Is it real sunlight? Like would the UV rays affect my immune system?
SARAH: You are not allowed to take showers anymore.

I'm Telling You, the Cat is Pure Evil

SARAH: Maybe I should get Ollie a squeaky toy. It would sound like him rolling over a mouse.
SARAH: Because he is Voldemort.
KATE: If I hadn't met Ollie, I wouldn't believe that a cat could do that. But I have, and yes, such a ridiculous thing is not only possible but likely. A-mazing. That has to be the best thing that cat has ever done.
SARAH: Once he had his claws out and smacked my neanderthal ex-boyfriend in the junk.  That was also amazing.
KATE: That's right! If only we had this all on video, we could do a highlights reel. Oh well. I really don't want to see neanderthal junk anyway. 
KATE: Ugh.
SARAH: And then, if we did a highlights reel, Ollie would wait until we were sleeping and slit our throats with his claws.  He would waddle to Cupcake Land and pick our lock with his claws and then he would open the door (because he’s just about figured out how to do that) and he would come and find us.
SARAH: And then eat Angela and Phyllis for good measure.
KATE: No way, man. If we did a highlights reel Ollie would get lawyers and sue us. And THEN he'd kill us and our pets in our sleep.
SARAH: I like to imagine fat Ollie smashing his paws on the phone trying to call some lawyers.

Sarah is Good at Threats

FLAKY CAT LADY YOU SHOULD BE GLAD IT IS THE END OF THE DAY OR I WOULD END YOUR LIFE STOP FUCKING COUGHING JESUS MARY AND DUMBLEDORE

The World Makes Sense When Sarah is On Medication

SARAH: Oh man, Ollie was such a little bastard last night. He ran up to my mom and bit her and my mom claimed he bit her because he was not getting enough socialization. She is in denial. Very, very, very deep denial.
KATE: I just figured out who Ollie reminds me of: Dudley Dursley. And your mom is Petunia and she thinks her fat bastard can do no wrong but really he is an awful awful creature and terrorizes everyone. Which would make you (and everyone else) Harry Potter. But mostly you, because your mom is mean to you.
SARAH: Oh  man.  But I’m not going to Hogwarts.  I bet it’s because that bastard Ollie ate the owl before it got to me to give me my letter. Even though Ollie wasn’t even born when I would have been of the appropriate age to go to Hogwarts.  Ollie’s mom wasn’t even born then.  So…maybe not.
SARAH: But Ollie is so evil, I bet he made a time machine and went back to the past and told them to eat my letter from the Hogwarts owl and then Nellie (who was before Ollie and just as mean) ate the Hogwarts owl and in the end, Ollie wins.
SARAH: I just spent some time coming up with that scenario.  I think I need help.  Anti-inflammatory drugs have gone to my brain.
KATE: Wow. Yes. You do need help. But don't get too much help because then you won't be funny.

Introducing Chatty Cathy

KATE: It's not even 9am. Chatty Cathy is on her third gossip call.
KATE: To quote the great Albus Dumbledore: KILL. MEEEEEEEEEEEE.
KATE: Also
KATE: Good morning.
SARAH: Good morning.
KATE: I seriously wish I could drink poison.
KATE: Not that horcrux juice, but real poison.
SARAH: This is a Best of Sarah conversation and I didn't even do anything.
KATE: Merry Christmas.
SARAH Fucking for serious.
KATE: So I have been waking up every few hours for the last few nights.
KATE: It's bull
KATE: And does not make me predisposed to NOT poison myself.
SARAH: I love you.
SARAH: Just when I think I can't love you any more - I love you more.

Sarah Gives an Archaeologist Her Phone Number. This is Her Story.

SARAH: MAYBE HE ONLY WANTED TO GET DRINKS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.

No, the Harry Potter Jokes Are Not Even Close to Finished

KATE: So.
KATE: Want to hear something stupid?
SARAH: Of course.
SARAH: Is it "Hagrid's Buttcrack"?
KATE: OMG STOP IT
SARAH: Your grandmother is a blast ended skrewt
KATE: STOP IT YOU ARE A BLAST ENDED JERK
KATE: You don't understand.
KATE: Every time you say things like that I spray spit everywhere.  
SARAH: You should stop drinking before you read my text messages.
KATE: I think I should probably start drinking before I read your text messages.

  

Witness the Power of this Fully Armed and Operational Short Girl

KATE: Oh NO NO NO. This intern has moved into the cubicle next to me and is playing his shitty rap music very loudly.
SARAH: Oh no.
SARAH: OH NO TERN.
KATE: TERN NO.
KATE: NO TERN.
SARAH: TERN.
SARAH: LISTEN UP.
KATE: He can't hear you.
KATE: His shitty music is too loud.
SARAH: KATE IS A VERY POWERFUL WIZARD
SARAH: AND SHE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
KATE: That's wonderful.
SARAH: You totes would.
SARAH: You're scrappy!
KATE: Scrappy.
SARAH: You will cut bitches.
SARAH: You tell him that.

You Want Me to Stay Up How Late?

KATE: zzzzzzzz
SARAH: I'm all hyped up over here.
KATE: Good, you can prop me up.
SARAH: KATE THIS IS HARRY POTTER YOU BETTER WAKE THE FUCK UP, WOMAN